Angry rant-I apologize up front

Britt

How refreshing!  I am incredibly angry myself - and I haven't even started treatment yet!  Next week I undergo a battery of tests - breast MRI, chest x-ray, EKG, bloodwork, "pre-op" physical, etc. etc. etc.  I was just diagnosed on 11/24 and I have been in this totally disconnected zone.  I have been unemployed for at least a year - was laid off  and I could not afford my COBRA anymore - so I had to apply for Medicaid, which to me was a humiliating experience.  I know, I know, a lot of you are going to comment that thank goodness they have such programs but I NEVER in MY LIFE had to apply for public assistance.  Thank God my mom lives with me so I am not alone.  BUT - who is going to hire me when I am going through this!  That is my rant for the day . . .thanks for listening.

Britt

I totally agree with you - and it is an insult to pink, which is one of my favorite colors!  I agree - nothing dainty and feminine about this at all!

Britt

Like you, my surgery has not been definitely scheduled yet - my surgeon "technically" scheduled it for 12/16, but they called yesterday and informed me that "we may have to chabge the date if we find something weird [yes, that's the word that was used] in your breast MRI and other tests next week."  TO WHEN, I asked.  "We don't know" they responded.  I just wish I could be zapped out during the entire treatment time and just wake up when it is over.  Thanks again for listening to yet another rant!  This waiting is driving me absolutely bonkers!

pip57

Throwing raw eggs at trees is a good release.  Hearing and watching them smash is very theraputic. The wildlife will enjoy the protein in the eggs and the shells will nourish the soil!  

Britt

Hi, prettyinpink - loved your ecologically sound venting suggestion!!!!!  I think I'll venture out today and buy a couple of dozen eggs . . .

roxy42

Hi I hate it too.I'm 15 month out I did the kemo three surgerys,I'm doing good but i will never be the same.I hate the Pink thing too.It was real hard to go into stores in october.The one thing that upsets me the most is when people tell you to get over it.My family thinks all will be fine.Hospitals bring back the nightmares.Everyone needs to vent some times.I have my days,but it does get better.......godbless roxy

kerry_lamb

Hey girls! I hate the whole fecking lot as well. And I hate it that a May 08 sister has more worries..bloody hell! Hasn't she had enough worries? But do know what I hate more than all of that? I hate that earlier this week two of my most loved students were in a car accident and now one of them is in a spinal/specialist hospital in Melbourne fighting for his life/ability to walk. They are both 18 years old. XX

vivre

Kerry, so sad about your students. I was a teacher too, and I know how much they become like our own kids. It is heartbreaking when they have to suffer so young.

Roxy, I feel the same way you do. I still drive the long way to the store because I do not want to pass the hospital. I took some healthy snacks over to the rads department one day last month for the women who are now doing what I did a year ago. My knees shook just walking in there. But whenever I am not there, I am doing great, and do not even think about it. I just had a thermograph yesterday and everything looks good, so I am moving on.

To those of you just getting started in all this: Just take it one day at a time. Even though time seems to be standing still right now, and you are walking around in a totally disconnected way, it will be over before you know it. Now it seems light years ago for me, and it was only a year. It is tough dealing with it during the holidays, but try to enjoy them as best you can, and think about how it is really going to be great next year!

And keep on ranting! The anger I felt was so deep. I had very little sadness, or depression, but I wanted to rage! I finally got it all out and feel so at peace with it all now. Start taking melatonin. It is a great antioxidant, helps with sleep, and carries over to a calmer day. Prayers to you all.

Robyn66

Well ladies,

I decided to go get my hair cut short on Friday. After thinking about it for the last few days, the idea of my hair falling out as it is (which is now past my shoulders) will be far more horrifying than if it is short.



I know the girl who will be cutting it really well and she knows I will be crying all through it and that I will hate it no matter how awesome a job she does. The kind of funny thing is that my wig is close to my hair length now, so when my hair falls out I get my long hair back! How about that for irony!



I am still far from at peace with the whole baldness thing. I told my husband not to expect me to leave the house ever. I don't think either of us think I will NEVER leave the house but right now that is how I feel and I am not pushing it. And like so many have said, I am not thinking past how I feel today and I am trying to take things one step at a time.



Robyn

OG56

Well now that I have read this thread I think I can cancel my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow! I am so mad, I live in a different state than my friends and family and so I have to pay someone to go and rant, and cry and bitch! I hate having had BC, I am angry when I look at the scars, when I take my Arimidex and I am scared shi.....to have my first post op mamo in 2 weeks, I don't think that any of us are lucky because if we were lucky we wouldn't even know this discussion board existed. But I am glad that it does (smile). I am almost 6 months down the pink road and still pissed maybe one day I will have more moments of happiness. I sincerly hope we all do. Until then keep on ranting and raving girls!

TorchSong

Well, here's my two cents...

I've never liked pink. And now I really actively dislike it!

And did I really have to be diagnosed mid-September, just in time for all the f-ing post-its and pens and wite-out and paper and candles and other cr*p? Just what I needed, when I was trying to come to terms with it--a reminder of how "tragic" it is.

And yeah, the positive thing... Really an issue with my partner for a bit. She didn't want me in "that negative place," but I needed to vent and be angry and scared and p*ssed....she finally heard me, but it took a while.

I think--and I don't mean to offend anyone--the difference is chemo. My partner had a lumpectomy and rads, so going in I thought she would understand. ANd she does, parts of it (she refuses to wear a pink baseball cap too!), but others she doesn't. Chemo is just so hard. I feel like one of those punching clowns---you know, you punch them and they fall over and then bounce right back up to get punched again. That's how chemo is feeling. Just when I'm feeling back to my usual self, boom, time to go back to the chemo room... I've started feeling ill just thinking about it and I have two weeks to go before my next (I had the last just last week).

Just tired of being cheery and appreciative and upbeat and all that.

DO NOT WANT!

----

Wow, that does feel better. I love this thread!

lolliejean

Hi. Lori here. I'm 50, had stage 1 IDC in both breasts, clear sentinel nodes. Bilateral skin sparing mastectomy/immediate reconstruction 11/13/08 with chemo and 2 more surgeries on the horizon. My mom had it, 10 years clear post mastectomy and then bone cancer. She lived three more years with me as her primary caregiver for the last one. (We're both RNs)

Right now I'm dealing with unrelenting burning pain in my chest and underarms which nothing seems to help.

 Anyway. 

I just joined up here and wanted to say how snarkily happy it made me to read the rant. ha! It helps to know I'm not alone. I wrote one of my own here: http://lolliejean.livejournal.com/754208.html

Britt

        This is my Xena doll, my personal avatar, an expression of strength and yes rage at times! Just wanted to share it with all of you . . .

LizM

Rant away.  No one understands more than we do.  I was so mad and then so sad and then so scared.  I am over 3 years out with a similar diagnosis of stage II with one positive node and I can fnally say that I am starting to feel like my old self again.  It took me 3 years to finally let down my guard enough to think I might just possibly have a future.  My family thought I should have been my old self after one year when I was all finished with treatment but it took two more years.  Please be patient with yourself.  Go with your feelings, be mad, be sad, be scared, it's OK because the only thing that will change things for you is time.

Hang in there.  It WILL get better. 

EWB

Oh my goodness- I have not heard snarky in forever!  One of my sister's favorite words for a while!

Lori- know that you are very much not alone.  It is so amazing to have a place to go and rant, cry, whatever and every one gets it---the need to get it out.

Hope today is a good day for all. 

crhlouis

Robyn, thank you for saying what many of us are feeling. That was very brave of you. No, it was never our cancer, it is the cancer.  A battle that each of us who have encountered this illness must fight.  You sound like a great warrior who is ready to battle.  You can and will get through this.

Lisa1964

Can I add a pet peeve to the rant?  People that think it is OK to take off your hat and show your bald head to the world????  WTH!  If I wanted you to see my bald head, I wouldn't have put on the damned hat!  Don't touch my hat!

Thanks

Lisa

Robyn66

If ANYONE did that to me they would get an ass kicking they would not soon forget from me and then my HUSBAND!

I am glad that I started a place for people to rant I think we do need to be angry and scream about this nasty thing!

I want to get a tattoo on my new boob along the line of the scar that is like a warrior tribal thing. I am not exactly sure yet but I want it to be unique and not huge because I am not a tattoo person but I feel like I have earned some war paint as a badge of honor!  As long as my plastic surgeon says it won't pop the new one!!!!!

Lisa1964

Get ready Robyn!  I have only been bald for 3 weeks and you would be amazed....

sbmolee

Yeah - as LizM reminded me...I HATE when family thinks 'I should be over it" and not talk about it or bring it up.  They have not idea how i should or how long I should have cancer on the brain! 

EWB

I am amazed that people do that!  When did it become ok for someone to take of anothers hat?!   When did this become public property?!!

Robyn66

Lisa, I can't even imagine someone doing that to me.  I am so sorry anyone would be so disrespectful and rude to do it to you.  I think that how we deal with out hair loss is sacred and NO ONE has a right to invade that space.  If YOU want to be funny and shock someone with it fine but NO ONE EVER has a RIGHT to DO ANYTHING to you EVER!  Especially like that.

Like if one of my brothers did that to me if they were at my house I would run up to my room and cry and not come back down.  And my husband who is the least violent person on this planet would kick his a** and out of our home forever.  There is nothing funny about this.  This is our most vulnerable issue for many of us.  And my weakest spot.  I am afraid of a hat or wig comming off accidently in public never mind if some idiot wants to be funny.  I don't think I could ever forgive someone for doing that.

You are also right sbmolee we need to do what we need to do, rant,  cry, swear, mope and no one has a right to tell us what to do.  I said to my brother on the phone the other day when he was trying to give me a pep talk " I understand it is important to you that I keep a positive attitude for you going all the time.  But that is just not possible and its ok that I have bad days and down days and angry or sad days."  The people who love us are in a tough spot because they want to make this go away and they can't and it makes it harder for them when we are showing the emotional pain we are going through.  I try to "fake it till I make it" as much as I can but there are times I have to let go and not let the poisonous emotions take over and my family and friends have to deal.  They are much happier when I am in full fight mode like right now.  But who knows how long this will last!  Good days and bad and one day at a time.  One battle at a time and we will win!

Love to all

Robyn

Lisa1964

I am fast and I can be a biatch, so no-one has ever been successful!  But I have had to lift my arm and tell one person NO as she was reaching (in a store full of people) and others have moved forward in fun with a gleam in thier eye and I have backed off with fire in my eye and they backed down.  In defense of these morons, they just don't understand.  They are totally clueless about how embarassing and demoralizing this is.  We have had (or will have) our boobs whacked off, we are sick, the chemo is putting YEARS on us, we are loosing gross amounts of muscle mass, our tummy starts to stick out like we are pregnant AND we are bald! Until you have lived it, most just don't get it.

Lisa

Izzy

Thank you all for sharing your rants! I feel so much of the same. I don't like being branded with PINK, like it is my new trade mark. I know people mean well, but some of my comment issues are when people say "you are going to be fine, I just have that feeling", and always asking how your are. Do they really want to know? I don't even know how I am at this time. Still in a blurr, just had lumpectomy and sentinal node, I don't know what the results are yet or what all my treatment will be. Then there are those who don't know what to say and back away. My husband likes telling people for support and I feel I need to let him for his support. I want to crawl into bed and stay there til this is over, like it never happened. Also, my husband's mother passed away many years ago from complications from bc, his step mother has had both breast removed and his sister inlaw had a mastectomy. So, he has been through this. My aunt and good friend have also had bc all are doing great. I know I will be fine and get through this and that the next few months are going to be sucky. It seems wierd, but this is happening to me, and it is a big deal to me. I feel like I have to show that I am strong and people all say, you sound so good. Well how am I suppose to sound, like I have a cold?

My husband thinks I should start a blog so all our friends and family can read what I am going through. But I don't want everyone to know all my personal feelings. I have a select few and now here. He just thinks it would be easier to have a spot for people to read all about me. Too me that makes me way to vulernable and I feel vulernable now enough as it is.

I like reading what people are going through right now where I am in my process. Thank you all for being so open and honest about your feelings.  (hope this makes sense, it felt good putting it down in writing)

Lisa1964

izzy, your husbnad has an excellent suggestion about the blog.  I already had a small private bulletin boartd and I have utilized for my bc.  I absolutely DID NOT want to have to keep repeating myslef about every doc visit, every test, every new result, etc.  The phone calls can become endless and annoying.  I made everyone who really cared join my little BB and put all my udates there.  If they did not care enough to check the BB, then they really didn't want to know and I did not have to constanly re-tell and re-live everything all day long.  This has worked great!!!!!

Lisa

TorchSong

I second Lisa about a website or bulletin board. I have a lot of...well, somewhere between friends and acquaintences, let's say, people I know in the community who I sometimes socialise with but aren't really buddies...anyway, I was getting tons of emails and calls, so I set up a site at caringbridge.org. It's free, you send the link to the people you want to have know about it, and you jsut put what you want them to know. You don't have to put every thing that happens, just an update every couple of days, as much or as little as you want.

I love it because people can find out what's happening without bugging me or my partner or anyone else...and I control what's up there.

And the notes in the guesbook have sometimes really lifted me when I was down, too...

Just a thought.

Martha

Lisa1964

Yes Torch Song!  I forgot to add that I control what gets posted.  Even my closets friends are not interest in the more basic or gross details.  It is a wonderful, simple way to tell everyone just what you want them to know in one shot!

My BB was orginally for horse enthusiasts in my area.  I simply added a cancer section.  My non-horse friends can go to the section that interests them and skip the rest.  Funny, some of my non-horse freinds are really net-working with a larger group now and I have expanded the  board into community and social events and a section on political discussions as well.  It has been fun and it really keeps me occupied during chemo!

Lisa

Robyn66

I have been doing a blog on myspace and my friends are keeping up that way too. 

Britt

Rant time - I am seriously considering - nay, I have decided! - to get breast reconstruction should it be decided I need a mastectomy. I want to wait at least four months for everything to heal and of course don't know if I am going to be radiated or chemoed at this point - anyway - I mentioned it to my surgeon's nurse who so kindly responded, "Well, if I were you I wouldn't bother, because they never look the same anyway - they never look real."  My consult with my surgeon is this Thursday - my surgery is next Tuesday - already had breast MRI, EKG, and tomorrow pre-op physical - if my decision is dismissed before enough facts are determined and if my questions are not answered to my satisfaction, and if I am rushed in and out - then I am seriously considering canceling my surgery and getting a second opinion.  There!  Thanks - I feel a lot better!

Anonymous

Britt, check out the "Stupid People, Stupid Comments" topic in the Surgery-before, during and after section, and you'll see that your surgeon's nurse isn't the only one who has a foot in her mouth.  I don't know if it's epidemic among nurses, or if it's just that there are so interactions between breast cancer patients and nurses that provide oh so many opportunities for them to say things that make you go "Huh?"

Ask your surgeon for a referral to a plastic surgeon.  In addition to putting you in touch with someone familiar with breast reconstruction, that will put your surgeon on notice that you have concerns about the eventual cosmetic outcome.  You may have problems squeezing a consult in before Tuesday, but if you can, it may help you feel more comfortable about the whole surgery experience.  You need to be confident in your doctors at every point in this journey, so trust your gut about getting a second opinion if you feel that you want that.