ROLL CALL - WHO'S A SINGLE SURVIVOR?

Spoonchek

Bump---nobody has checked in for a while.....

I'm single, not dating (actually rarely think of it due to dx), going through this cancerr experience living alone, no family, no children but actually  have caring friends. There is a certain type of loneliness and isolation that cancer brings that is difficult to deal with. I've got a support group once a week but truthfully I still feel very much alone.

How is everyone else doing?

Fearless_One

I'm with spooncheck - single and not dating, very lonely, actually.   BLMX scheduled for the Spring (prophylactic, no recurrance) and am wondering how this will impact my already non existent love life - men being the "visual" creatures that they are.   

Would love to hear from more women who met their bf's AFTER their surgery?

hrf

I'm the same as spooncheck too. Lonliness but I have given up on trying any more. I only need one time to be left by a man because of mx. Not going to give anyone a chance to hurt me again. It's just too painful 

hydeskate

Single with Stage IV, lucky to have a great sister and lots of family/friends for support.

agada

I just turned 50, diagnosed last year with stage 0 DCIS pn0(i+).  Always been singel, been engaged once. Phew, I did not marry him.  No children. I have a dog instead.  I take care of my father who has had two strokes and is diabetic to boot.  Have not dated since cancer diagnosis, too afraid to be rejected.  I work in a Molecular Diagnostics laboratory at Florida Hospital in Orlando, you guessed it, Florida.  A GREAT place to work!  I also perform some of the HER2 testing that you hear about on this site.

Agada

Fearless_One

HRf, I don't think you should "give up" because of that one guy....I can't imagine the blow that was - I am very sensitive and I know that would really upset me, too - but he is only one man....

mary840

I'm 42 and have never been married.  I made it through chemo, surgery and rads.  I have my last herceptin infusion in January.  I haven't had recon yet, very tired of treatment and not looking forward to another "procedure"

I went on my first date since diagnosis a week ago, now I'm scared to go out with him again...  He's a nice guy though and I want to get past this, so I will go out with him again if he's willing 

Fearless_One

Mary, why are you afraid?  Are you afraid his reaction to your medical history?   It sounds like it went well, definitely go out with him again   :-)

nancyinaustin

Spoonchek et al---yes i also am single, alone, one beloved "nuclear" kitty, Josie, no children (2 adopted sons adopted by LDS, never heard from again, hope they are ok, older would be 37 & younger would be 27), no family......I'm 65 yr old.  Celibate since 1998.

I think I found a current thread where I sorta belong.  Loneliness does happen, but not often, thank God.  I was raised in an isolated existence for 20 years, easy to be alone & feel alone, ESPECIALLY in a crowd, or any social occasion, I am extremely awkward.  Having grown up in a House of Women, I seem to gravitate to (platonic) male companionship rather than female (until I got breast cancer) ,(I've been abused by females & later by males).  Best, in these circumstances I have come to believe, is to be alone.  I have good job (so far),with the state (21 years), just celebrated 23 years clean & sober, I try hard to be a functioning adult, although sometmes I like to act silly & laugh about nothing.....shucks, I guess that does sound crazy!?  I do the best I can.

So far I've had noone to talk to who HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS & COME OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE----the few I have talked to have NOT done chemo & rads.  2 platonic male friends, one is a registered nurse, warned me if I don't have mastectomy, I will die.

My stats, as best as I can figure out, are:  Stage 2B, 3.5 centimeter, right breast,ductal invasive positive, extremely aggressive, no pain till treatments!  Aggressive treatment due to aggressive nature of tumor (marble-sized in 2009, to clementine-orange-sized in Jan 2010).  Mammo,1/14/10,needle biopsy,1/25/10,diagnosis 2/8/10,Chemo 2/11 to 3/27/10 (TAC), surgery 6/25/10, INTRODUCTION TO POST-OP DRAIN (boy, taht was a kicker!),6/26 to 7/23/10---rads late July 2010 thru 9/15/2010 (my insurance, BCBS, denied every penny of rads, I owe $970.72, all for getting burnt!!)  (BCBS also refused to pay for wig, but obtained 1 free wig & 1 free head wrap from the American Cancer Society, also a bra for free, most comfortable bra I've ever had----till I had rads!)

I perused several threads today---noone mentioned how LEGS, not breasts, start furiously itching during rad----no lotion or cream would help, nipple in agonized pain, had  to take off work one  week.

As of November 1, 2010, I am taking Arimidex, 1 pill daily for FIVE YEARS!?  I asked the onc, when does it ever stop.  Other than intermittently itchy legs, I'm OK I guess, do get tired easily, back to work.  follow-up mammo yesterday, CLEAR SCREENING (& no co-pay!!)

So thats where I am----about my "nuclear" kitty, did you know that if you do a PEM scan, you are supposed to avoid humans for 4-5 hours???  But that animals are unaffected!!!  As soon as I got home, I gave my cat a big hug!  Pets are truly a blessing when you don't have a human in your life.

Nancy

 

Fearless_One

Nancy, you bring up a lot of good points, for one thing the financial burden.   I don't care what people say - couples have an easier time financially than most singles.   They can help each other, share the burden - 2 people can live easier than one.   And for many couples, if one gets sick, often the sick person can stay home without fear of losing the roof over their head.  I'm not saying every couple - especially during these times - but for the most part, I think singles - unless they have great jobs - struggle more financially.   A couple making a combined income of say $ 50K for example, can live a lot easier than 1 person trying to make it on 25K. 

And the loneliness can certainly take its toll.   But I would rather be alone than with someone who was cheating on me or didn't love me.

By the way, yeah, PEMs have a tremendous amount of rad.

konakat

Hi,

I'm single, never married due to incredibly bad taste in men, no kids, but have had furbabies.  When I lived in Boston (back in Ottawa for a year now) I had a BF, I very occasionally see him so I don't think he counts as a BF.  I do have great friends, Mom, a cat I'm taking care of for a while, but it is really lonesome. I have fun out with a friend then come home to an empty house.  I live downtown and look out my window at all the people going about their business, having a life.  I'd love someone to curl up with, be comforted by.  Now I cuddle a cat.  Not quite the same.  Depressing as hell actually.

When my last kitty died about 1.5 months ago it was a real blow.  I always said I only wanted to outlive my cats.  Now I have.  Now what???  I have nothing. It's hard to get motivated...

Elizabeth

Fearless_One

Elizabeth, I have fur babies, too.   I have lost them before, but always found room in my heart to rescue more.   I know you will, too.    That is good you have a good relationship with your mom.   I always prayed to be able to have that, but it never happened.   

hrf

It is very difficult to be alone. I am very lucky to have kids and grandkids. But when I come home it is to an empty house and my lonely thoughts.

Cat123

I'm single right now, no kids, lots of great friends but really no other family.  It is very difficult to be alone going through this.  I put my life on hold the last several years as my mum had cancer and I was her support.  She passed away two years ago.  I would like to date again but that seems very daunting.

beergirl

Just wanted to say hello to all of you. My DH died 8 weeks before my diagnosis. It's been 3 years and although I try to stay busy, I get very lonely at times...angry at DH too.

hrf

Beergirl, so sorry you got hit all at once (((Beergirl))).

I split from my husband many many years ago and never regretted that decision. Since then, lots of bad picks. I thought the last one was a keeper but when I got bc, he split even though he promised me there was zero chance of that happening. He just disappeared and didn't even tell me. Regardless, this disease is bad enough but to have someone skip out on you because of it only makes the losses that much harder.

konakat

Even a simple thing like someone going out to get milk.  I'm going to be stuck in my apt the next 3 days -- the only elevator will be on service.  I can get down the stair but not up them.  Arrgh. 

Oh HRF -- what a miserable b*stard. 

changes

Hi all,

Glad to know I'm not the only. I'm single and 48. Never married. I have 3 dogs and a cat. My family has been completely nonsupportive during this, so it's been friends, coworkers, and the wonderful women here who have gotten me through. Haven't dated since before diagnosis. Right now, I just don't much feel like socializing. I'd love to have a relationship, but don't even know where to start looking.

Karen

dah0123

Debra and Lisa,

Guess I missed your posts to me back in June!  Better late than never! 

Lisa, thank you SO much for cheering my long time survival!  Just good luck I guess. Just finished DIEP surgery this year and now actually feel like I have a whole body again (previously had implants and overall bad reconstruction result) so I feel like I'm ready to reclaim my life after all of this time.  Maybe I won't be single for much longer now!

Debra,  I do not have any family per se.  No parents, siblings, spouse or children.  A few good friends that have helped me to get through this.  I know how tough it is to be alone, especially when you are going through something as tough as cancer.  I work from home which is isolating so I hope to get another job soon that will put me back in contact with PEOPLE on a day to day basis.  Right now, the only people that I see most weeks are the people at the grocery store!  But my little dog and parrot are always here for me!

Hope all is well with both of you!

Debbie

nancyinaustin

konakat,

Do you ave anybody to call to go get groceries for you?  The American Cancer Society has referrals to peole who volunteer to help out by transportation back & forth to doctor apointments, getting groceries, picking up prescriptions, clean house once a month (not sure about Canada).  Not that I, with my pride & life-long sense of selfsufficiency, used it, but co-workers stepped forward to help without my asking, I'me forever grateful.

Now that I'm getting better, AND have my car back (for now, after $1150 spent for repairs), I'm back to my usual self-sufficiency;  wish I could call the society for help with house cleaning---being my own "caretaker," I have to don mask & gloves just to clean the litter box! 

Hate the thought of ingesting all that dust from vacuuming (no, I'm really lazy& don't really wanna do the work).  I sorta straighten every now & then (joke, my place is starting to look like one of those "hoarders" on TV).

I wipe counters down in kitchen, sometimes, & try desparately to keep the clutter down to a dull roar there (it is mounting up in living room & bedroom, never competely unpacked from move-in in '09 & still have some boxes stacked around of clothes I was gonna donate to Safe Place....

To do a little of much-needed "feng shui," I try to create a neat space amidst all the clutter.....I do take out the trash on a regular basis.  My bathroom, though messy, cluttered with puzzle books & magazines & books (I spend a lot of time in there).

Truth is, I'm a total slob, one of many reasons I really am glad noone has to put up with me any more.  But yeah I've always loved the opposite sex, & am still attracted sometimes (I think Olivier Martinez is one of the hottest guys I've ever seen on the screen---has anyone seen "Unfaithful"?  Smokin'!!!)

So I've got a teenage heart in a 65-year-old body, maybe with a 40-year-old mind!

Nancy 

konakat

Hi Nancy,

When I've been really sick my sister has helped me out.  There is help like you described available but I'm too stubborn (so I'm told!) to ask.  Luckily my bank and pharmacy are only a block away.

I have a tiny place, it's just a matter of keeping the clutter under control.  Now, I'd have Oliver Martinez in any time to clean!!  I'm a bit whiney lately -- just tired.  And the crappy weather and horrid holidays.  Ba-humbug!!

But thanks Nancy for suggesting these ideas!  Hugs,

ELizabeth

Fearless_One

Like so many of you ladies, I would like to start dating again, but not sure how or where to start.  

nancyinaustin

is there a singles group for people with cancer??  As if.....!!!

LG300

Hi all,

I'm single and 46.  My family and friends have been great during this whole experience, but it would be nice to have a husband to go through this with.  I think I'd also feel less self-conscious over my post-exchange self if I was with someone I had been with for awhile.  It would also be nice to have a puppy.

I saw some comments about cluttered apartments.  My apartment's a mess, and I have no energy or motivation to clean it.  I actually have a maid come bi-weekly and I try to straighten up the day before she comes so that she can actually clean.  Then a few days later it's messy and cluttered again.

Warm wishes for the holidays everyone!

Fearless_One

I agree, I think it is easier to go through this with a partner, no doubt.   UNLESS that partner is unsupportive or unfaithful, then it would be hell, I would think.

Cat123

yes, I am 47 and single and would still like to be out there and dating once the chemo is over....I start next week.  It would be nice to have someone....although that can be hit and miss...I have heard of very supportive and loving husbands and boyfriends and I've heard the horrible stories about relationships falling apart over this which would be devastating.  It's hard enough to meet someone and then I think...gee....I have a tissue expander...one day will be hopefully a decent looking boob...I will be bald in a month.....what is it going to be like to get back in the dating pool?  I'm very lucky to have great, supportive friends but it is hard to live alone and go through this.....and then wonder how one can get back to normalcy after this is over.

Fearless_One

Cat, it will go by really fast!   You will be ready to date again when it's over.   But for now, just get through your treatment, I would not be trying to date until your treatment is over.   Your hair will grow back, I promise!   It takes a few weeks from the time you finish your last treatment until you start to see the hair, but then it starts growing like  a weed.

kathleenm

I'm 49, single mom with two young adult children. I am a social worker. I go out with friends and work hard at trying to stay in shape (gym, hiking, etc). I was diagnosed at 45, stage II, left mastectomy, chemo and radiation. I was married twice. I've always made bad decisions about men so I actually was glad to be single during treatment other than worrying about rides to surgery and treatment. After treatment I had realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Last summer I joined some online dating websites. I'm really glad I did. I've met a few jerks, a few people I was incompatible with and some nice guys. It's been everything from insulting to disappointing to laughable to fun! The hardest part has been telling someone about the breast cancer and reconstruction. I'm learning to deal with it better. After all what guy in his 50's hasn't had issues of his own.