ROLL CALL - WHO'S A SINGLE SURVIVOR?

mzmiller99

I finally decided to try eharmony.  What a bunch of crap to go through just to get started and then, I still don't know how much they charge, because I quit before I got that far. Why I thought looking on line would be easy, I'll never know!

Years ago, I tried Match.com, but when I saw a couple of abusive losers from my hometown on there, I never went back.  So, i don't know how to hook up with a normal man, I guess.  Just keep dreaming about Dave Matthews!!

sschmidt

Hello ladies...I am also single.  I haven't ahd a physical relationship for ten years.  Very weird.  I was a man magnet in my younger years.  Never without a guy or a husband.  Pathetic in a way.  Now I am very happy but am hoping...going to.. date within a year.  I put on wieght about 12 years ago and never lost it...perhaps a little cushion against a broken heart.  Well, as you know BC is not good with extra pounds so i am going to get back on the horse after I am back in a normal weight range.

I just got the new Il Divo album today and am playing it on my humongous speakers and am thinking...hmmm..... men...hmmmm, it's coming up for me again.

Count me in.  Shirley

sushanna1

kllong--Did you really look like like Barbie at one time?  Just curious.  I always figured that there must be a few women out there who look like Barbie, but I have never met one.

LorenaB

Susan, I met my boyfriend on match.com.  Well, he isn't much of a bf nowadays, but he is a good guy.  I went on a few dates before I met him and they were all nice guys, or at least they didn't seem like axe murderers, LOL.

I did the whole profile thing on eharmony one day, only to be told at the end that I wasn't eligible because I was separated but not yet divorced.  Whatever.  The description of me that their computer spit back at me was not very accurate anyway.  And whenever my friend shows me the questions she is supposed to answer to find out if some guy is a good match for her, I always wish that "none of the above" were an option.  I think eharmony is a little too mainstream for me (plus they don't provide their service to same-sex couples which says something about their values that I don't like).

Good luck to those of you who are thinking of getting back out there.  I'm also trying to lose some weight and get back in shape, and I'm looking forward to recon surgery in the spring.  If things with dbf are still lukewarm by then, that will be the time for me to start looking again.  And I need more hair before I feel comfortable on a first date!

Lauren

DiamondJAL

Hi ladies, can I join?   I am 46, a 4 year survivor and been divorced for 6 years, although my marriage was pretty much over after 2 years, got married in 1991....somehow thought I could save it, silly me.  The years with him were a living nightmare.  Match.com does work, I met some nice guys through there.  Met one that lived in Biloxi MS and actually moved 1000 miles to be with me.  We were together 4 years but then that one fell apart too.  Ran into a guy I went to school with about 6 months ago and we've been together ever since.......so far, so good, Mmmmmm Mmmmm Gooood !!!     I didn't like e-harmony either but I did find one....and don't laugh, called sugardaddy.com    All the sites have their idiots but this one seems to be a little more refined (if you can believe them) and it's not massively expensive and despite the name, not everyone is there looking for a sugar daddy relationship.  I know I wasn't because that's not my style, was just trying to find someone that wasn't a loser!

I love horses too, was raised with horses.  My dad was a blacksmith and he made me ride one of the thoroughbreads once to exercise her.  Well, he didn't put a bit in her mouth, just a haltar with a shank on it.....something spooked her and she was gone like a rocket.  I just held on for dear life.....she finally stopped herself when she started sliding down hill.  I got off and walked her back home....said you want her to have exercise, you ride her!   I'll ride any normal horse you give me but thoroughbreads are just too high strung. 

I miss riding, haven't been on one in years.  Oh, I did go on a cruise with the guy I met on match, this was pre-cancer, we rode horses on the beach in Jamaica, wasn't quite like what you see in the movies but it was so cool. 

Anonymous

As you will find in quite a few of the threads here, many of us have tried online dating. I actually met P. on chemistry.com which I joined after finding out about eHarmony's refusal to match those with same-sex preferences. I paid for chemistry.com, but earlier had had some good success with a free site called www.plentyoffish.com. It has all of the features of the others, but is absolutely free. I encourage anyone interested to try it!

And welcome to our newest chicas, kllong, LiveLoveBelieve, Shirley and Judy!

~Marin

DiamondJAL

Oh ya, I was on plentyofffish at one time and what's that other one?  Singleparent.com i think it's called.  Seems to be geared more toward the single parent....duhhh, i guess that's where the name came from huh?  I still blame these mind issues on chemo brain.  haha

I liked it because as soon as alot of guys find out you have a kid, whammm they are gone.  Had a real wacko on that site though, I actually reported him and told him I was calling the cops.  Somehow this guy knew of me or knew me but I never figured out how cause I didn't know him.  You're gonna love this, he said to me....I know someone that knows you and you are an evil woman.  Are you're teeth real?  Did that cut off your cancerous boob?  I hope you die a long suffering death.......die die die!!   Really freaked me out because i never talked to this guy online and I therefore could never have told him that I had breast cancer. 

After I reported him to the site as a threat, I never heard from him again and never heard back from the site as to the action they took against him. 

curlieqs

Hey guys!

I am 35 yrs old single. Never been married. I worked 2-3 jobs since age 18 the entire time until Jan 08 where I dropped a job and kept 2. I am a RN and worked so much to pay off school debt, then went back to school.....pay off debt again..........then bought a house in May 08. I was going to start enjoying life and do tons of things. I was dx with breast cancer then in July 08' and am now stage IV. I dated a bit, and even had a couple long relationships, but because of the multiple jobs it never sustained. I never made it priority, my career always came first. Boy, if I could turn back time....... NOW, I  kind of give up. I feel like the opportunity has been lost, and perhaps have bigger fish to fry. I am now out of work and on short-term disability and hope to be back at work in Jan 09. Still going through chemo and all that jazz. See, time does NOT wait for us.....................Who knows what the future will bring! Nice to have a single gals forum, this looks like fun!

Thanks for letting me in I will live vicariously through you guys, LOL! As far as make-up tips and home repairs etc, I will surly chime in!

DiamondJAL

curlieqs.....I am so sorry for what's happening to you.  NO, time does not wait for any of us and I too wish I could turn back time and recapture all the years I wasted being miserable when my x-husband almost destroyed me.  I had no desire for anything, let alone to exist.  My only salvation was my beautiful baby boy, he gave me strength and purpose when I thought there wasn't any.  He was the best thing that came from my marriage and for that reason, I would do it over again if that was the only way to have him.  I"ve had my share of relationships but nothing seems to last....not sure if it's me or them.  I'll blame it on them!  lolol

mzmiller99

Girls, I hope my picture comes through!  This was the love of my life - a Pilgrim goose, who showed up on the river behind my house last winter.  What an absolute love!!  Gentle, thoughtful, happy to see me.  Loved conversing (in goose), and was always ready to cuddle.  I had to name him Paulie (Paul Newman) - he has the most amazing blue eyes!

Anonymous

Susan, I did e-harmony .. you aren't missing anything!!!  It was expensive and the guys live far away and ask you to answer these questions all before sending email or phone contact, it was a waste of time and money.  Marin turned me on to a good website and I like that one!

Regarding horses, I thought you might like this one:

mzmiller99

Rocktober - I love the picture!  Is that your young 'un?

I'm glad to know about e-harmony.  I won't waste anymore time.  What was the website Marin told you about?  I was thinking about a horse one, but I didn't get too far.

That's why my goosie boy started looking pretty good!  Unfortunately, I had to find him a safer home, since I live in the middle of a village and his days were numbered due to the cars on either side of the river, and his propensity for waddling naively into the road and just standing there.  No one said he was too bright, just cute!!

my3girls

Judy...any chance that crazy stalker was your ex?? He may have used someone else's picture..you never know.  I went on match.com...paid for 1 month, and that was all I wanted to pay for. I had a few dates, then I saw my guys profile, I took the initiative to send him and email, he responded right away, we talked on the phone, went on our first date in July and have been going strong ever since.  I was very leary of the whole online dating things.  But boy am I glad I did.  I would have never met him otherwise. He lives an hour away, which isn't the most convenient, but we make it work.

I signed up for plentyoffish.com...but never followed through with that one.

Lisa

enjoylife

 I am single and I cannot get back into the swing of dating I am happy to be alone without a man in my life but I have a ex boyfriend who is persuing me and I cannot respond at all I feel very uncomfortable to even going to dinner never mind a kiss I hope this is a normal thing and will pass my hair is just starting to come in fuzzy and all and I have been done with chemo 13 weeks and rads 3 weeks so maybe this is common ... I guess I just want to be me whom ever that is for a while and I for sure dont know what kind of feelings I have for this man because I am not ready bad timing I guess any suggestions or anything to compare it to PLEASE tell me its normal..Oh yes on top of all this my sister who is 8 years older than I am was diagonized in Nov...

Maura and Bella (my new puppy)

Anonymous

Maura....OKAY...TOTALLY NORMAL! I say again that so many of us feel sorta pressured to get through our treatments for this monster-of-a-disease and then just pick up our lives where we left off. AS IF it's the same life after BC, right? So, girrrrl, there is absolutely nothing wrong with just not feeling like doing the whole dating deal, especially for the first year or so after treatment. You've been through a majorly traumatic experience and it takes quite a bit of time to adjust to your new world and your new you. And the new world may, or may not, include a man.

But thank goodness it includes a new puppy! ENJOY!!! (and WELCOME to the Singles board!)!!!

~Marin

mzmiller99

Maura -

Maybe he was your "ex" for a reason!  If you're not that into him anymore, then it isn't you.  However, life without men is probably not the worst thing.  Temporarily, at least.  As Marin said, we've been through a life-altering experience.  Sometimes we just need to retreat for awhile and regroup. 

Prayers for your sister.

firstmate

Well, here's my story.   Diagnosed with breast cancer in Jan, bil mastectomy in March with expanders.  Expander replaced with silicone implants Sept.  Another surgery for a revision last week.  However, I am still lopsided and unhappy with results.  I have had a bf for 10 yrs, but he is less than supportive.  We were planning a 6 month sail to the Caribbean when I was diagnosed.  Did he cancel the trip until my reconstruction was complete?  No.  He said he was going anyway.  I was able to sail for 3 weeks, but had to return home for checkups and more surgery.  I am so torn with completing the reconstruction process vs. bagging it all and returning to the boat.  I can't stop crying this week, feeling so sorry for myself.  Then, I feel guilty about being so vain.  I am a mess!

Anonymous

Aw, sweetie, you are absolutely not vain and certainly entitled to the very natural & understandable feelings you're having. I won't say that your BF is a cold jerk, but I will offer that he seems to be trying to carry on as if nothing is affecting his world. Sometimes people (esp. men, I think) act as though nothing is happening or they don't care because, actually, their feelings are very intense and they are terrified. Having been around this board for a pretty long time, I've heard all sorts of extreme reactions from spouses, SOs and other family members and many of these are very hurtful to the one with bc. So although your BF's behavior might be explainable and understandable if, in fact, he is in his own freakout mode, it's absolutely unhelpful to you and, right now, it IS all about you....and should be! So what should you do? I'd suggest that you hang in there and continue to follow through with all of your treatment plans, including everything necessary to achieve a reconstruction that makes you feel whole, attractive and sexy again. If you were to forego plans and shortchaange yourself in favor of getting back to the man in the boat, I think you'd end up really resenting him and feeling badly towards yourself for both your feelings as well as for not having pursued a good recon plan.

Hang in there, girl. This really & truly will not last forever and it won't be long before you can put bc behind you. Really. In the meantime, see if you can connect with some women, either girlfriends you already have or new friends you can feel some comraderie with (a bc or related support group?). And please keep hanging here with us. We're pretty cool, terribly funny (if I do say so myself!) and, most important....we get it.

~Marin

firstmate

Thanks for all the support.  I met with my ps and we had a good, long talk about the whole process.  The ps wants to wait a few months before continuing the reconstruction to allow the implants to settle and see if any other revisions are necessary before he works on the nipples.  So, I decided to return to the boat for a couple of months.  The ps felt that it was the best decision for my reconstruction and mental health.  My bf was very happy with the decision, so we'll see how it goes.  I can always fly home if things don't feel right.  Thanks again for all the support.

enjoylife

Thanks for this site I have been single after 32 year marriage have been divorced for 5 years and I got a call last evening from someone and I knew I was not ready to date so I told him I was taking a break from dating. I did not tell him about my bc or anything I told him I would call if I ever got ready. Do any of you ladies feel the same way. My hair is not full at all very skimpy under the wig after being out of chemo 15 weeks but I am waiting I just dont have the energy to date and dont want to with the wig that might be vain but I guess its just me not being ready... how about you girls any fed back that I am norm or not is appreciated...

bald and cold...

victorious

I have not checked in to the boards for awhile because of reconstruction surgery and a bunch of other basically boring life stuff.  When I did I went to the Mojo site and saw Marin's post about this one.  So ---ta dah!  here I am! 

 So, guess what happened to me this past weekend???????   I turned the big "60".  Yee gads.  I am grateful to be here because I never believed this child of the 60's would make it that long! 

 Nancy - throw out the futon and get out your drafting table.  Period.  Doing art will be so great for your soul and your kitty would probably just pee on a new one anyway.  Your friends will find places to sit and if you get more than 7 at one time - well, that is pretty awesome!

 Marin- HEY GIRLFRIEND!  Guess what dance class I am going to b e taking?????  You have to guess!

 Sex - I finally crossed the line with Mr. Nice Guy and it was well, uh, painful and I really was not "there".  So, the next night I got out Mr. Hitachi and we had a nice time.

 I am having trouble with my reconstruction.  Just not all that thrilled with it so far.  Have that dent that I have heard people talking about. I'm doing research and getting a 2nd opinion.

  That's all for now. 

 I'll talk about my ex on another day.

Victoria

my3girls

enjoylife...I think it's pretty normal to NOT feel like dating.  I know when I still was wearing my wig, or even after, it was the last thing I was interested in.  Then after my reconstruction..and my hair was longer...I started to feel better, emotionally, physically and thought..why not...so I did.

I don't think you are being vain at all.  You will know when YOU feel ready.  Everybody is different. Get your energy back, and concentrate on you right now.

Good luck to you!'

Lisa

Anonymous

I've been on these boards a while, but haven't posted to this thread yet.

I'm 48, never married, no kids. I can't even remember when I last had a boyfriend. Done lots of online dating, but never got past 1-2 dates. Lived in Cambridge, MA, for 20+ years and moved to DC for a job last year. Eight months after I moved I was diagnosed with BC. Had surgery in DC. I then moved back to Cambridge for chemo and radiation.

As someone wrote earlier on this forum, the hardest part about being single is not having someone there all the time. I had friends who took me to chemo and who I went to the movies with, but no one to cook a meal or help with cleaning or errands when I didn't feel well. And certainly no one to cuddle up with at night.

It just seems like everyone is so busy. I just completed radiation on Wednesday and none of my friends noticed.

I am headed back to DC on Dec. 23 and feel very adrift. I still hadn't made any close friends there when I left (I was dating someone in DC for a couple months -- who dropped me like a hot potato when I was diagnosed). I invited a friend, a man I sort of dated for a couple years (he didn't want anything more than sorta dating), to spend Christmas in DC with me. He said he might, but just called me and told me that he is going to Europe in a couple days to visit friends for 3 weeks. So, I'll be alone over the holidays. 

Until I can go wigless, I don't even want to think about dating! I just don't feel like "me," with such short hair.

Sorry to be such a downer. Here I've just finished treatment and I should be happy! Thanks for letting me vent.

curlieqs

It is ok Joia....... I do not think you are a downer, it is how you feel and it is OK. Congrats on being done with radiation, that is awesome! You will date when you are ready. I am bald too currently and do not feel like myself AT ALL, and I am with ya, when I am done with chemo in the spring and my red curls grow back, I will be more interested too. For now, just enjoy the fact that you completed another part of your long journey, and do something nice for yourself as a reward! You are strong to go through all you have!  After every cycle completed with chemo, I go and buy something small for myself as a reminder that I must be good to myself for now on. I wish you were not so far from me, I would celebrate the holidays with ya!! Keep your head high girl, and know that WE are ALL here for ya, bc survivors sister!!!!

enjoylife

I have had a man come back into my life after we split up after about 2 years of dating a year before I was dx and I dont want him or anyone so I thought I would go see the counceler to see if this was normal after all I have been through since Feb. She said I was very norm and I would know if I wanted to date again I am still going every 3 weeks for hercepten and take Armidex for 5 years after I have gone through tests and surgery, and chemo and rad so now I just want to be with me and content with it for now. I dont have my ps completed but that isnt it my hair still isnt back now that has alot to do with it but working and taking care of appt. are about all I can do so we are norm if we feel like this we need time to work through all of it and I was glad to hear that. Now in the spring when I get a new TA TA and the hair is in full bloom maybe things will be different, and the new I cant go out Sat night is I am taking a break from dating ha...

Have a good weekend a peaceful one is what I want

Maura and Bella (puppy) oh yes she is my other energy ...

Anonymous

Thanks for the encouragement, Curlieqs. Sometimes I forget that I can celebrate victories myself and they are still victories. Also, I forget that I have plenty of company with the ups and downs of this whole bc stuff. Whatever I am going through, lots of others have been through the same. I love your little monkey face avatar!

KAK

Joia, don't sweat it.  I'm such a bore these days, relative to my former dating self, but I'm okay.  I'm still having to work on just moving on with life as a BC patient, so I absolutely do not have the emotional wherewithall to deal with dating or a relationship, the effort to meet someone, the investment of time & so forth to get to know someone, the negotiating to get along.  Blehk!  Makes me tired just thinking about it.

I did get out last weekend to this big Christmas bash my employer throws every year.  Had a great time, got to wear a slinky purple dress & these kickin' purple heels I bought recently.

Sue, I meant to post a story about my experience with eharmony from a few years ago.  Bottom line is that they would NOT let me specify an age range that included men who were younger than me, but of course the men on the site got to specify women younger than them.  Also, despite what I said about my height (5'10") & preferring men at least as tall or taller, plus the age thing, the only matches I got were for men who were a good 12 to 15 years older than me & all of them were shorter than me!!!   I fired off a few blistering emails to them, got my money back & asked them never to darken my inbox again!  What a double standard, a rip-off & a pile of dog doo-doo!

shan1171

Hey all!  I just started on the boards not too long ago, didn't scroll down far enough to get to the single section.  This is like coming upon a goldmine!

I'm a 37 year old single mother.  The guy I was seeing when I got pregnant completely bailed, wanted me to have an abortion.......he was in his 20's, more eye candy than anything else, so I think it was for the best!  I have a beautiful 6 1/2 month old son to thank him for.

I found the lump in my breast after finally giving up on breast feeding when Camden was 3 months old.  So, here I am just getting the feel of this single-mother deal, back to work, getting ready to move into my house I bought (by my damn self), feeling pretty good and BAM.  I was diagnosed, the ball started rolling, bil. mast Oct 13th with expanders, chemo started Dec. 2 (TAC 6 X every three weeks), then I have to do rads.  One node was affected, and my age is against me......they wanted to be aggressive, I wanted to be around for the long-haul with my son.

So, here I am, stubbly head, my skin going haywire from the chemo, two fills on expanders..so niblets basically,  living with my mom (God bless her helping me through this, but she drives me nuts sometimes!)

Dating seems like a surreal experience I might have had once upon a time.........and sex, HA...what IS that?  I've been abstinate since the ass left, too busy being pregnant, now too busy being generally unattractive and sick.  At this point in my life I feel rather discouraged about ever getting back into it.  My taste in men is atrocious, I don't trust myself not to just pick another ass once I'm ready, and now I have a son to think about! 

Oh, the trials and tribulations.  I better head on to bed, my mom forced a Lunesta on me, because I can't sleep.  She's doing baby duty tonight, we take turns depending on how I feel, and how sleep deprived I get.  This chemo does crazy things to your sleep patterns!

I'll definitely be back, because it is a completely different experience going throug this single, with no one just to rub your back or pile up and watch bad movies with.  Also, wondering if anyone will ever want you again?

Night all, those pills are taking me down! 

KAK

Oh, Shan.........good golly, welcome, welcome to the forum.  I just hate hearing someone as young as you ending up in this wretched club.  I'm glad your mom is there for you.  You sound like you've got the right attitude.  And I'll tell ya, my girlfriends were definitely & completely awesome to me during my own adventure & continue to be so.

How is everybody?  I don't know if I told you all on this thread that I did my part for the financial crisis, as well as the auto industry & bought a new American car.  I had a ten-year-old Saturn which has served me well, but it finally croaked, so I bought a new one, a 2009 Aura, seafoam blue (which matches my eyes  - blink, blink).  Tonight I gave myself a flat tire by hitting a curb by CVS because the new car has a wider turning circle than my old car & I'm an idiot.  But I got to test out the free OnStar & talk to the nice young man there & play the damsel in distress & get someone else change my tire.  And while the tow guy was changing my tire, another guy I know came out of CVS & stood gabbing with me as I waited.  And the busted tire is under warranty, so it won't cost me anything to replace it.  If I'd had a hubby or boyfriend, I'd probably have called him & missed all the fun I had being the center of attention for all these men!

Being single has its advantages.

mzmiller99

Kathi - I love your posts!!  Who else would make a party out of a flat tire?!  Congrats on your new car!  I'd love to smell that new car smell again...mine is an '04, with $5,000 to go.   I will never do a 72 month payment plan again!!

shan1171 - Your mom must be sooo happy to have you and the baby with her!!  What a blessing for you all.  And to hell with the *sshole who walked away. I'm told there are good men out there - but, right now, you need to let your family help you heal.  There will be lots of time to go on the prowl when you feel like you again. 

Somewhere on one of the threads here we have been talking about those of us who cannot seem to make good choices in men, or when we do, we sabotage the relationship.  You could join us, if you'd like!