I can't get my act together and I don't know why

PoohRN1962

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I took NO joy in the holidays (although I did have fun with my sister on a cruise.) I couldn't stand hearing Christmas music. It sounded "out of place" somehow. I had no desire to decorate and didn't put up a tree. I didn't want to buy--nor receive--Christmas presents. I made out Christmas cards while waiting in my oncologist's office December 18th and they're still sitting on my kitchen table. I haven't opened any of the Christmas cards I received.

Everybody around me thinks I'm doing great.

Anyone else go through this after finishing treatment?

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OH! I could have written your post, gsg! I know my depression resulted from the crappy results of my exchange (12/6.)

Christmas was torture. I didn't open cards, made my husband do it. Didn't SEND cards. Never listened to my Christmas CD's (I have PILES of them, and usually start playing them on Thanksgiving.) We did get a tree, but only a week before Christmas. It was our first Christmas in our new house, and I wanted to be festive and happy, but I spent the whole month trying to "fake it till I made it."

So, I guess my answer is, yes, someone else DID go through this!

{{{GSG}}}

(and, let me take a moment to thank you for all the laughs you gave me, way back when, on the "constipation" thread!
)

gsg

Wow. I can't believe how much better I feel reading ALL of these responses from the rest of you pigs. I'm not kidding. It's a huge relief. (okay..I AM kidding about the "rest of you pigs" comment, but it made me laugh, so I included it.) I was feeling kind of crazy because, as I said, in the outside world, I'm pretty much okay. At home, I'm an emotional wreck and it's reflected in my house. I can't even keep my purse neat any more.

I ended up taking 4 pair of underwear with me on a 7-day cruise because I couldn't find more than that when I was packing. My underwear drawer is a tangled mess of underwear that no longer fits, pantyhose, old bras and I think some get well cards. lol. My laundry room looks like a clothing grenade went off in it. It's all jumbled up.

If I get the nerve, I might take and post some pics of what I've got going on here....but only once I actually start cleaning it up. Then I'll need to do some befores AND afters. Considering one of my son's friends once told him "your mom must be a clean freak," there IS a humorous side to this pig sty. It might be easier to clean up Iraq.

p.s. wouldn't it be awesome if i found my left fallopian tube in one of the piles on my dining room table!

gsg

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(and, let me take a moment to thank you for all the laughs you gave me, way back when, on the "constipation" thread!
)

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hmmm. i wonder if
my molasses and
warm water remedy
would help get
me going around
here.

gsg

the only part of this thread i don't like is the part where Doc said her house is clean. this is an outrage. how DARE she!


p.s. to Doc. My name is Patrice.

RoundTwoinCA

Glad you're feeling a little better Patrice - that's my sister's name too - don't see it too often!

oh - and what self-respecting bc patient would have a CLEAN house? how are we supposed to get sympathy if we can clean? LOL

newvickie

I just bumped the "I'm Done With Treatment...Now what" thread for us all to read again.
I was going to post last night but just reading how you all feel had me bawling my eyes out with relief. I have been sooo stressed, tired, not me for so long. Finished rads in September, went on vacation for a week to visit my daughter and SIL at Cocoa Beach and felt soooo very happy. Came home and crashed. Spent so many months lying on the couch going through chemo all alone during the day watching out the window for the bus to bring Nathaniel home. A week at home after my mast...again on the couch...not able to do much or even drive. I'm ok now but just being in the house stresses me out. I cannot stand to even sit on the couch...it all comes rushing back and I feel like I should feel sick...I feel like I'm still "there". Started lexapro and I can really see a difference in how I am managing things. Housework...phew...I am doing "commercial" cleaning...every time a commercial comes on I clean up a small area and it's working. A counter at a time, a corner at a time, a drawer at a time. I am seeing the results slowly but surely. Thinking of painting and rearranging my entire living room so it doesn't look like it did during treatments...don't know if it will help but it's worth a shot (as soon as I get enough ambition to actually do it LOL).
Hugs and hope the link helps...it helps me a bit to know that it isn't just me.
Vickie

newvickie

oops...heres the actual link
http://community.breastcancer.org/ubbthr...true#Post477781

RoundTwoinCA

Commercial cleaning - what a great idea!!! I'm going to try that....

DragonladyTina

Dearest Patrice,

If only you realized just how normal you truly are. I am out of treatment since April of 05 and I still get those feelings of sadness and impending doom. I felt the same way about Christmas this year and didn't want any presents and was also way behind in my purchasing of gifts this year, just couldn't be bothered to do it. I didn't care if I got anything either, in face I took my gift back to the jewellery store because I just didn't want anything strange for me as I am a jewellery whore

I must confess though, my house is clean I also get inappropriate crying jags, yesterday for example I was crying for no reason other than I looked at a picture of me with my parents and 2 sisters and realized they are all gone now except for 1 sister and it really hit me hard, not that I didn't realize it but it just hit me and I cried so much.
Maybe an antidepressant is a good idea, I may try that route myself.
I hope you start to feel better soon Patrice, It is shit to feel so bad after what we have all been through.

love and best wishes to feel a whole lot better real soon.

Tina (AKA jewellery whore)

susanmcm

Newvickie--ROFL

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I am doing "commercial" cleaning...every time a commercial comes on I clean up a small area

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Doc

Well, my house is only clean because I have a cleaning lady once a week. Ok, I admitted it.

Now for something COMPLETELY off topic which will be good for a laugh or two:
I will tell you about trying to solve the problem of varmints in my attic, the dang things were romping around every night thumping on the ceiling aboove my head, so I threw a bunch of D-con packets up there. They worked really well except the critter(s) died up there and boy did they stink! I didn't want to invite anyone to my house over the holidays! Even my maid walked in the house and kind of wrinkled her nose and searching in closets for the smell. Ugh.

Now that I know better after calling an exterminator, I will pass on my lessons: Put baits outside your house to draw the critters OUT and AWAY. It is a myth that after eating the rat bait they will go outside seeking water to drink. They might not make it that far! I bought some odor-absorbing bag of stuff and hung it in the attic, it has helped a lot. Except for one wall in my son's bathroom. Ugh. Need another bag of stuff to hang in the bathroom!

juliem

I thought it was just me!

I was dx Oct. 04, finished chemo 3/05, then moved and started a new job 8/05. I STILL have not finished unpacking the junk in my back room! Took me at least 6 months to put stuff on the walls.

Finally quit taking AIs 2 months ago because I was in a fog, stiff, and felt horrible. Felt great for a month, and now I'm feeling yucky again, but I think it's the weather and allergies. Or maybe it's just the same as everyone else.... PTSD or whatever you want to call it!

Julie

ravdeb

Doc..thanks for the advice! We finally caught a mouse alive, put it outside for the cats and they just watched the mouse run away!

gsg.. I have a lack of energy as well. I had decided that after my treatments and a wonderful family trip to the States this past summer, I'd be raring to go and ready to get my new business underway. I had good intentions and I AM working on it, but the process is slow. There are days when I couldn't care less!

I'm not depressed. Just anxious in some ways. I am slowly getting back into a routine, returned to some volunteer work I had done in the past.

I think you need to allow yourself time. This whole thing is a shocker! You are still new at it. Allow yourself to get used to the new you and your new norm. We each have a new norm these days..

newvickie

Ok...one more link to the Flylady site. A friend at work gave me this link and it's actually kind of fun if you stick with it. It basically helps you get things in order a little step at a time. First of all when you get up in the morning you shower, get dressed and put on your shoes then clean your sink...sounds weird but it's kind of how I started...it's a fun site so check it out.
http://www.flylady.net/

newvickie

Click on her "Beginner Baby Steps"

yellowfarmhouse

HI! I SO felt like that a year out! I just couldn't get going. I started prozac as I thought maybe I was depressed. Looking back, I was depressed... but it was situational and I pulled out of it. Another year later, it has eased and most of the time I feel like myself. I enjoyed Christmas this year as I didn't really last year. I too felt guilty as I knew I should be thankful to be alive. I lost my good friend a year ago yesterday -- a gal I met here at BC.org-- we walked through the entire treatment journey together and that really hit me hard too. Today I'm going to honor her memory ( Trisha ) and say special prayers for all me dear sisters here.

blessings,
Wendy

Anonymous

Okay, Vickie, I have marked the flylady site. Don't know if it'll work for me.

And Doc...EEEWWWWW. Those poor little mousies. However, thanks for the heads up. LOL AND you have a cleaning lady! I fired my cleaninig lady (me) and you sure can tell it.
Shirley

gsg

Doc: i do feel better knowing your house, while clean, smells like dead rodents. thank you for the story. lol.

newvicky: LOVE that flylady site. i had never heard of it. i'll try to get started on it...........next weekend.

ravdeb: for me it's not so much a lack of energy as a complete lack of will. that's what is throwing me off. i look around and while i hate what i'm seeing, i'm not motivated or moved to do anything about it. maybe the flylady babysteps will get me out of this funk because i LOVE a clean, sparkling home.

wendy: i'm so sorry about your your friend, Trish. i have a close girlfriend who was diagnosed 2.5 years ago and has been putting up a valient fight. Her life expectancy was to 9/06 and she's still punching away. I pray she wins this battle. i'll be devastated if she doesn't.

to everybody else who has posted in here: THANK YOU! I keep re-reading this thread. It really is giving me comfort..plus, it's given me an excuse to stay at my computer and put off decluttering for a little while longer.

Anonymous

I completed my treatments in August 05 and am still in a funk. I do not feel like the same person and can totally relate to the posts here ... I'm just not excited and motiviated like I was before ... I can relate so well to the posts here.

gsg: my house was a total mess too.... I've been remodeling though that that forced me to pack things up ... pretty soo n I'll be unpacking those boxes - and and will be starting with a clean slate (at least downstairs...) I am seriously considering hiring someone to clean my house ... and thinking about anti-depressants ...
Thanks for this post ...
Doreen

myrnaincabc

Renee I know this may sound like "wow you have a great attitude" but please believe me thats not what I mean when I say you must be one hell of a strong lady to be facing it a second time and taking time to come here and helping others calm down about things! You say your OK but in a daze, gessssssssss if you ever need anyone to talk to PM me anytime, we all need each other.
Heck Im finished with chemo, almost done with radiation was stage 1, grade 3, triple neg ( the triple neg bought me the chemo), no node ,clear margins, pretty good odds but I just cant get my head right? Although whats right in all of this is pretty much how you feel because there is no right or wrong here. Man I feel like such a weenie, I used to think I was a tough little cookie but for real sometime I just want to drive off a darn cliff or something.
We are all amazing, we keep on with our lives whether its for us, or families, dispite our fears, we really are a tough bunch!!!!!!!!! Warmest thoughts and feeling to all.
myrna

gsg

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Commercial cleaning - what a great idea!!! I'm going to try that....

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i lie in bed and watch tv and during the commercials i've thought about decluttering my dresser, but so far i'm still thinking about it. whenever i do get "it" back, i'm pretty sure my dresser is where i'll start since i'm having a real problem getting ready to go anywhere...most of my clothes are missing. (i even shoved some in trash bags to get rid of them before my son moved back home in november and now i can't remember where i put the bags.) omg is this place trashed. it looks like a frat house.

gsg

i will say that admitting to everyone i've been living in a hovel has been kind of freeing. it was kind of hard for me to admit it. maybe it's a first step.

djd

The frat house analogy cracked me up!

My dresser always gets piled up with junk, too.

Shirlann

Uh huuh, so, all we gals have the squirrels too, you know, the ones that run around and around the bedroom when you can't sleep at night! AAAAAARRRGGGGGG

I really am sorry that the medical professionals don't do a better job of treating the whole person. I guess they just don't have time. BUt when I hear my sisters in so much pain for so long after this beastly thing, I know someone is dropping the ball. There are great books, but when you are in this FOG who goes looking for books?

Its so: I am sad, no reason, they say I'll be fine. But can't guarantee it, but I feel okay, I think, oh what about that nagging back ache? I am a total worthless shit, look what I have; sweet kids, nice pets, a nice home, a good boss, good family and friends, I am worthless to feel sorry for myself, I should be ashamed, I am ashamed, I am so deep in this hole I will never get out, nothing will ever be fun again, no matter what, I can't ever imagine enjoying sex, and it was so much fun, hard on my husband, he has been so good, bad, terrible, fill in the blanks...........and on and on and on.

Oh yeah, I know this spot real well.

Hugs you sweet ones, even all our pigs, don't look under my couch!

Shirlann

susanmcm

ok vicki, i'm gonna go shine my sink.....sometime.

Isabella4

OK

Toronto

Hmmm, I finished treatment in Nov. My house is a mess, I'm never a great housekeeper, but this is beyond messy. My sister says call in a cleaner but I'd be too embarrassed. The one and only thing I have tidied up is my sock drawer. We also have mice - I know there is one that hangs out under the dishwasher. I might set a mouse trap if I could find one.

I sort of paid taxes last year, just sent them a cheque in time with a letter that said "I'm in the hospital - this ought to cover it", but never filed a return. Now another year looms and just looking at those piles of paper gives me the shakes. I can't deal with any paperwork, any official type stuff. I'm eligible for a pension and I haven't even applied.

I just can't kick start myself for work. I'm self employed and while we aren't hurting yet, the cushion is just about gone. Unless we want to change our lifestyle I have to get with it and start to work.

Where I differ from others is Christmas. I didn't go overboard but did have a normal one. If anything I was more generous than usual. I think I considered this might be my last healthy Christmas and I wanted it to be a good one for my kids and husband. Whatever the kids said they wanted they got but their desires were not excessive.

I sure hope I don't spent another year like this.

gsg

LMAO @ Isabella's "but my standards haven't just slipped, I just don't have any standards anymore now."

god forgive me, but i'm really enjoying this.


i'm also getting dangerously close to starting a "my mess is worse than your mess" thread full of pics......once i find my camera, of course.

gsg

i'm also scared about doing my taxes this year, mke, because i don't know if i can stay focused enough to put them together this year. we're eligible for medical deductions, etc, and my receipts are a mess. i tried to stay organized in the beginning, but they're now all mixed in with my bills and dirty laundry.

BJAlexandria

OMG, Patrice - had I known! I don't come to the boards often any more, and I'm so sorry I didn't know you were "wiggin' out" for a while. We absolutely must get together, okay??? PM me and let me know what's up with your schedule. With the Senate back, are you working all week?

I was so where you have been after my surgery last year. I felt like - who cares if my house is cleaned or not? (I still feel that way, I must be honest!)

In the grand scheme of things - houses matter not. But how you feel about it does! Don't fret!