I can't get my act together and I don't know why

Anonymous

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there's been two kernels of caramel corn stuck to the floor in the middle of massive dust bunnies under my desk for months now. i wonder how long i'm gonna leave them there. they're not that far back. i can poke one of them with my toe.

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ROTFLMAO!!!!!! Please take a picture for us!
Shirley
Why am I laughing!? My dd and SIL are coming in this weekend and this place is a mess!! I've GOTTA start now or I'll NEVER get it done.

gsg

if i knew where my camera was, shirley, i would.

my dad is coming to visit next weekend. i'm on the fence as to whether i'm gonna clean up or just apologize.

gsg

i came up with the best solution ever. he's staying at my sister's and i'm going OVER THERE to see him.

Anonymous

LOL, Patrice.

Okay, I did a LITTLE cleaning. I was going to take some paper towels, wet them and just take my foot and wipe over the spills that are in the kitchen. But I broke down and mopped the foyer, and kitchen (which is quite a large space cuz it includes the mud room and half bath). Talk myself into it know that this was a good excuse to get it done.

I like your idea better...find them another place to stay.
My other daughter who lives in Charlotte is coming down the weekend we're going up there for my granddaughter's dance recital and grandson's b'day. I was so happy to find out that she's going to stay with a friend. That way I don't have to clean. Oh, SH*T! Just remembered. My DD, SIL (that were just here) and grandbabies will be coming back in about three weeks. Geez, I'LL HAVE to clean again!!

Patrice, I'm packing my crew up to your house! Then YOU'LL have to clean.

I just noticed you're from Maryland. How did that escape me? My DD and SIL who's in Africa probably didn't live too far from you. My daughter worked for the Marriott Corp. and SIL for US Airways. They commuted from Va., right on the border of D.C.
Shirley

Valerie_R

I'm really glad I found this discussion. I'm really at odds today and overwhelmed. I was diagnosed in May 2006 and since then have had 4 months dose dense chemo, 2 lumpectomies, mastectomy, DIEP and rads, which I finished 3 weeks ago. I was severely burned during radiation and the open wounds have finally closed. Tried Arimidex and all my hair and eyelashes fell out again. Oh, my father died during chemo.

On the surface, everything looks fine. My house is neat, my closets are organized, I see a therapist, I take Effexor, I go to a support group, I exercise like a maniac, and I'm going back to work part time in April. In reality, I feel so lost and lonely all of the time. I think I miss my dad more instead of less - he died at the end of August 2006. I had been taking care of him for a couple of years and we had such a close and loving relationship - I would give anything for one more cup of tea, one more conversation.

I tried to go out today - I live in San Francisco and it is gorgeous - and did drive around for awhile but couldn't think of anything that I wanted to do. Everything seems like it takes so much effort right now.

I've been feeling very alone and again, I'm glad I found this discussion because I really thought I was nuts. I think it is just too much to process in such a short time. I thought I'd feel overjoyed at the end of treatment but I just feel exhausted, flat, and angry when I have the energy.

The women in my support group tell me that this will improve in time - I hope they are right.

Thanks for listening.

Valerie R

ravdeb

You've got a lot to deal with. It's important to have patience. I keep telling myself that! Sometimes I have tons of energy and other times I can't figure out where it went to and I can't get anything done.

But..how do you keep your closets organized? I need a professional organizer, I decided. My house isn't all that bad, but there are places that need serious, and I mean SERIOUS work!

Sphynx

I just spent 10 minutes with a reply that popped off the screen! I'll write again later when I don't feel like pounding my computer into little bits and making a real mess around here.

I really did write something thoughtful for you Valerie. I'll try again later.

Sphynx

Valerie,
You are ahead of the game if your house is neat and your closets organized. If that is the cause of your fatigue - well, stop it. Save your energy for the important things. You have been through the mill and probably think that when you hit the one year mark, bamm - everything is back to normal. I know my expectations were unreasonable at that time-frame. It takes a very long time to get your energy back and head in the right place. Just take baby steps and when good things happen, you will be pleasantly surprised.

I took the advice given in private messages and email and put pine cones and things in my big plants so my cat would quit peeing in them. It sorta worked. Yesterday, my little Sphynx sauntered into the living room, sniffed around and peed on the carpet next to the plant!! All I could do was scream at the top of my lungs - NOOOOOO. I did tap her little rear but I can't do more than that. She is the cutest cat in the world. Her litter box is clean. I'm sure she is just lazy! I have cleaned that carpet so many times, used every product including "Urine Gone". I got sucked into that infomercial and that didn't work! I'm open for suggestions. But I know what I have to do. Tear out the carpet!

gsg

I'm really sorry about the death of your father, valerie...and losing him while going through breast cancer treatments must have been...i can't even come up with a word for it. it's no wonder you're having a hard time finding yourself. you're still grieving. it's still so fresh.

I can't improve on the advice that sphynx and ravdeb gave you. i would like to know how you're managing to keep your closets and the rest of your house organized. if you have an extra room, i'd like to occupy it. just be warned in advance, i don't pick up after myself.

Sphynx

Valerie and Patrice,
I hope you don't feel I trivialized your suffering and loss. When I re-read my post I realized that I'm obsessing about cat pee when you both are going though so much.

xxxooo
Nancy

gsg

I didn't take it that way at all, Nancy, and I enjoyed your post!

Sphynx

My demon dog opened a new bag of cat litter in the mud room and shook it all over the room. At least someone is getting some use out of the stuff.

Patrice and Valerie - how are you doing today? I've been thinking about both of you.

xxxooo
Nancy

gsg

the question is did you clean it up. lol.

thanks for your thoughts, nancy. i'm doing okay today, all things considered. we're working late tonight and i just went out for a 30-minute walk to clear my head. today is the first nice day we've had in ages....yay for spring. maybe it'll motivate me to do some spring cleaning, but probably not.

OtraVez

Just re-read all of your posts. I've been having a heck of a time the last couple of weeks, since the I finished chemo (a little more suddenly than expected, to mitigate the increasing neuropathy in my feet). I can't tell if it's spring, or th end of chemo, or just the general beginning of what I'm calling "the return to normalcy" that's catching up with me. In hindsight, I realize I've been in this haze for a couple of months, since I came back to work in January. . . but it's really kicked in since the last visit to by onc. . .where we sang each others' praises (along with my sister and a couple of nurses) for how far we've come. It may also be my anniversary dates coming up - it's about this time last year that I started on the testing process that led to a biopsy in April. . .

On the other hand, I played the Fly-lady game last night and picked up 27 things to toss for trash day. That's 27 more things that I got done at all in the last week, at work or at home .

gsg

Man. I'm envious you were able to get it together to pick up 27 things. I've been doing a terrible backslide. I don't think I've ever felt so depressed....ever. Have no interest in anything. Haven't even been swimming lately, which is something I love. The only place I feel happy any more is when I'm at work and we're now off for a week. I actually can't wait for April 10th to get here when we go back.

Sphynx

Quote:

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the question is did you clean it up. lol.

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Ummmmm, yeah, sure - eventually!

I have a mountain of laundry to do this weekend. You can see how much I will get done since I'm online.

What is the Fly Lady thing? Sounds exhausting.

Nothing is a backslide, Patrice. Only baby steps forward. Go outside and get some fresh air. Better yet, go for that swim! I love the water also. Try to envision swimming underwater or just floating effortlessly. You know you it will be good exercise and clear your head. You have to enjoy your vacation somehow otherwise it wouldn't be a vacation!
xxxooo
Nancy

gsg

thanks for the encouragement, nancy. i can barely motivate myself to get in the shower to go over to my mom's...let alone go swimming. can't believe what a low point i've hit. i feel like if i had a recurrence right now, i'd just let it go. don't misread that. it's not like i want to do anything to myself. it's just that i have no interest in or energy for anything and know that i definitely would not have any fight in me if my bc came back right now. i feel ambivalent about everything. if i were told i had mets tomorrow, i'd probably shrug. of course, that's easy for me to say as at this point i haven't been told that...just saying how i'm feeling. i don't want to downplay what the women here with mets are going through...not at all. i've completely bottomed out and this is the only place i feel safe expressing what's going on inside me.

gsg

how ironic that i mostly post in the moving beyond cancer forum because that seems like an impossible task for me. i'm in postcancer purgatory.

sjoc

I saw in your bio that you were diagnosed 3/06. Do you think maybe that anniversary isoine of the things that has you so down. My 1 year is coming up in May and I am having a multitude of different emotions. Like you still have days that I don't even feel like getting out of bed. I have found that some days I give in and feel sorry for myself and hibernate. I try very hard though to accomplish something everyday - doesn't have to be big, just something. I visit with friends I want to see and avoid people that don't make me feel good. Like you, my job is a very stabilizing factor in my life. Had this past Thursday and Friday off, had many plans, didn't accomplish them all but spent Friday afternoon with an old friend I haven't seen in years who is also battling cancer (melanoma). I also find that staying home seems to bring me down, so I go out a lot. Down to the bike path to walk 3-4 nights a week, the movies, wander around the museum for hours. Try to get yourself up and out, I know it's really hard, but it does help. Force yourself to go swimming - you will feel better once you get there. It's the getting there that's so hard. Isolating yourself isn't the answer, wish I did have the answer. I hope you start to feel better very soon. - Sandy

gsg

thanks for the helpful words. once i'm out of the house, i always feel better. i have many stressful things going on in my life right now: stepfather has stage IV kidney cancer and extremely ill, my only child is backpacking around the world for the next year or so and today or tomorrow he will start a 3-week trip taking a small wooden boat down the Amazon River for 2,300 miles..just him and his traveling partner. this part of his journey really frightens me. there's stuff going on here at home with my husband. i feel so emotionally exhausted, i don't think i can face all of this. i wish i could just fade away.

Anonymous

Oh, Patrice, your posts breaks my heart. You are dealing with so much. I'm sorry to hear that your stepdad is extemely ill. I was hoping for something that would help.

Oh, and that son of yours. You know I know a "little" about what you are feeling. I know if I focused on my two that are in Africa when I had not heard from them in a while I would imagine all kinds of "images." I had to say STOP! or I would have gone into a panic mode. Right now they are in a "safer" place. But, Patrice, I think they will be "abroad" for another two years. Just hoping that at some point they can come home for a visit. I told my DD I would kidnap them if they came home.

As far as cleaning...well, as you know, that's a whole 'nother story. I have no energy. Can't focus. Don't work outside the home and that's a good thing or I'd get fired! I'm thinking about going into my bedroom, opening one of my drawers filled with undies and such, taking out MORE THAN 27 items and tossing them. The drawer is so stuffed I can hardly open it. And, I'm sure I still have my underwire bras in there that I can no longer wear. That would definitely be an accomplishment. But, ya know what. I probably won't do it.

I hope you get to feeling better. You are just too sweet to be going through this BS.
Hugs
Shirley

BJAlexandria

CRAPOLA - I can't find your phone number!!! I'm in the process of packing, little by little, and -- you want to talk to someone who's house is a total disaster??? Anyway, I don't know in which box the sticky note with you phone number lives. ARGHHH!!&*@%#

Sent you a PM

((((hugs))))

OtraVez

How ironic, GSG. My week has been going well since you congressional types are all off work (my office is a few blocks away). . . if we could only keep the Cherry Blossom folks off the roads, too, I might think about going back to the gym . . .I realized that I've been delaying because the changes in traffic patterns have really made it difficult to get around after work. . .

27 things are easy - I often count old reports or pieces of paper or junk mail. . . I like Shirley's idea about cleaning your drawers (as it were!), though I might do it with socks. . . face it, I'm never going to figure out where the mates are!

I love the FlyLady, Nancy. The webiste is at http://flylady.net, and she also has a book that's available in most of the big bookstores. She provides an organized way of getting organized, but stresses that it didn't happen overnight, so you can't fix it overnight. My biggest problem is that it's really geared towards married stay-at-home moms, so us working single chicks have to modify in some places. . . then again, she was recommended to me by a bunch of working single chicks, so what the heck!

Adrienne

RobinTN

Adrienne:I figured out a long time ago that there is a sock monster in my drain line.And thats where the missing socks go especially if it is a favorite of ours.

JoanofArdmore

Patrice, and Sisters,
I've been staying out of this thread.Because my act is so far from together it isnt funny.But I know why:Femara.It has made a mental and physical cripple out of me.I have accepted it.I'm just NOT MYSELF, and wont be capable of being me for another 2 years.
I tried everything to make things better, but all failed.I tried quitting the drug-had a 2 month holiday which ended just as the EE news broke.OK.
I'm scared to be without Femara.
So I've resigned myself to sleep through as much of these next 2 years as I can.
I foodshop, I cook, I clean a litle, I read a little, I can go online.Sometimes a dinner out with friends or family.Some phone talk.VERY very far from my REAL life, but it's the best I can do now.
And if I find I've turned the back burner on high, on my electric stove and my pot is on the front burner (or vice versa), then I'm grateful to have discovered it before big trouble.
My second car-key is lost.And I cant remember to replace it.I know this is trouble.
But--I cant get my act together.
So I need a keeper.
Guess you can say I'm spending 5 years being my own keeper.(And not a very good one.)

Hugs to all, j

juli0212

Joan-You have every right to vent here, that's what the forums are for, right?! After all we go thru with breast cancer treatments, ALL of us are certainly entitled to 'not getting our act together', it's just too hard sometimes...we won't be 'normal' for a looooooooooonnnnnng
time. I don't feel normal either, I've changed and sometimes NOT for the better, I know that....but I've accepted what's happened to me, I just have that thought in the back of my mind (this CAN recur at any time)...I also still sleep quite alot (but I also am permanently disabled due to daily migraines too I've had for now 30 years-not a day w/o pain, disabled in 2002 finally after raising 2 kids and getting a divorce and now with a very supportive sig.other.)...do YOU have supportive people around you??? They still may have NOOOO clue what you are going thru, but WE do here....keep venting, it's fine!
~juli

Anonymous

Oh, geez! It's time for me to clean "a bit." My DD, SIL and two grandbabies are coming in next Thursday. I want to see them so badly, but by the time I clean I'm EXHAUSTED! Yep, I know. I need to start TODAY which IS my plan.
May I say I really, really dislike (NO HATE!) clean, cooking, doing dishes, doing laundry, doing my hair and makeup. My DH can't help right now because his back is so bad that he can barely walk. He used to change the sheets for me, vacuum some upstairs (didn't do a good job ACCORDING to me, but hey, I wasn't complaining ) and other odds and ends. The Azalea Festival is next weekend and we're going to the circus and whatever else if I can drag my butt around. I'm sure those babies WILL inspire me!

Oh, I've got to tell you what grandbaby boy who's almost two said. His four year old sister heard my DD talking about going to the circus. She explained to Hannah (the four year old) that we'd be going to Mimi's and PawPaw's NEXT weekend and go to the circus. Little Grant (the two year old) got so excited and said, PAW PAW, PAW PAW, EAT, EAT! So, that's what he thinks of coming to Wilmington. Seeing Paw Paw and eating. I just love those little monsters.

Anonymous

Oh, and I haven't cleaned out my drawer yet and thrown the 27 things away.

Anonymous

Patrice, I hope you are okay. I know you have so much going on right now. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Shirley

newvickie

Patrice...I am sending you this link and will bump it up again in the hopes that it will help at least a little. No place better in the world to express how you feel than right here. We all know and we all understand. I too have days like yours, days when I would rather sleep through the day and ignore it all.
http://community.breastcancer.org/ubbthr...ge=7#Post477781
Sending you hugs
Vickie