I can't get my act together and I don't know why

gsg

Hanna: I know why you feel like you've been assaulted...it's because you HAVE been assaulted.  If breast cancer and its treatment isn't an assault on our bodies and mind, then nothing is.   I firmly believe the trauma of the assault will always be with us, but that at some point down the road, we learn how to live with the trauma but not dwell on it....at least not every day.  I haven't reached that point yet.

Lag:  Thanks...my first post was actually from a year ago January.  I, like you, am still struggling to fight my way out of this gray, depressing veil that was dropped over me in 2006.  I had a small burst of energy today and took advantage of it--I think because I had been worried about having lung mets and found out this morning, my lungs are normal.  I'm still dancing with NED.

The rest of my house needs mucho work and I can absolutely identify with you walking around looking at stuff and saying you'll get to it later.

Thanks for the remark about the table.  I was all happy to actually *find* a table cloth.

gsg

Snowyday and crazydazy:  I had typed out that response about 30 minutes ago, but not posted it cuz i'm at work.  after i hit submit just now, i saw you both had posted as well.  So glad you're both joining the discussion.

i remember when i used to be a clean freak, Pearl....house always looked nice...that seems like so long ago...and i know i'll never ever go back to that.  for one thing, my priorities have changed; for another thing, it's too much work.  LOL.  I agree...we just need to be proud of what we've gone through and are going through and be okay with that.  But honestly, my house was becoming such a downer, it was hard to do that.

snowyday

hulatalula I just read your post good that your getting meds for depression I think that will be my next step as well.  I'm wondering if you haven't a touch of PTSD. That what usually happens to me when my son was really sick I handled everything really well and later when he was fine that when I broke down.  Having cancer is a terrifying experience and your dealing with MS on top of it, that's alot.  I really hope you start feeling better I hope we all start feeling better.  GSG I love your table it looks great and you have a nice view of some bushes as well, lovely.  Maybe I will also try up my vitamins maybe that will give me more energy, I really dislike having all this internal energy and when I go to do anything I get completely exhausted. Summer is here I really hope it changes I really hope enjoy this summer last summer was spent in bed. Okay that's enough from me everyone have a good day.

bluesky

i just came across this thread and can so relate. i completed chemo, rads last july and right now i am unemployed which is making me so depressed about everything, weight gain, jobless, recurence the possiblity of moving back to toronto with my parents YIKES. it's just too much. i really can't take anymore.

i cannot motivate myself to do anything, my apartment is a mess, so dusty and i have no energy to clean. today is a beautiful sunny day and i have no desire to go outside. i used to be out all the time and now just want to stay home all the time. i used to love doing yoga always made me feel so good, i still do it, 3 times a week but don't get the same joy. i feel so numb. thanks for listening.

lag

Welcome..!!!!!!!!!!  Congrats on getting through your mastectomy..!!!!   Im not sure my head has caught up and its been four years this month since dx. I will have to say for the longest time I have felt just out of it. gsg was right holidays have not felt like holidays (ever since dx), I really didn't give a hoot if I put up a tree-only reason I did was the kids.-  I really dont thnk I'll ever get over the "why did this happen to me" stage, I do rememer telling myself in the beginning over and over "If Ive made it through everything else in my life that I had to go through then cancer was NOT going to get me I'm to much of a bitch"-it sounds kinda dumb I know but it worked!!

gsg

welcome to the lazy, depressed, messy-housed cancer-girls' thread, bluesky.  doesn't it feel good to know you're not alone...you are not crazy...you are a completely normal "cancer" person. 

You have legitimate reasons to be depressed.  In fact, it would be crazy if you weren't.  I hope you are able to find a job soon.  We went through that with my husband last year.  I know how stressful it is.  If you are able to put that together, it will probably go a long way toward helping you find your way out of the rest of the "cancer" doldrums.

I understand about the weight gain.  I'm still battling it...in some ways, the weight gain has depressed me more than the actual cancer, if that makes any sense.  Cancer changes who you are on many levels...not seeing yourself when you look in the mirror can be unnerving.  I'm right there with you.

bluesky

gsg-you took the words out of my mind, yes the weight gain for me has been even tougher than dealing with the cancer, with the cancer, i just wanted it out of my body and i wanted the treatments to end, i just wanted to kick its ugly ass! with the weight gain and my now thyroid problem it has been so hard to control my body, when i look in the mirror i see a stranger and i mourn and miss the old me, i feel i will never look the way i used to. i saw that you take synthroid, did you lose any weight once you started taking it?

lag

gsg  Congrats on your food news today!!!!!!!!!  I havent done much today other than take my daughter in for a sports physical and then right back home to my laptop and thats about it, except for ER tonight--w00h00 the highlight of my day!!!

I know I have been "out of it" because last week i had a check up with my Onc and you know how we cant wait for them to say "things are okay-no problems"-he did say that but I didnt even get excited like I usually do and It didn't hit me that he said I was good till later that night.

The weather is NOT helping me either, I am so sick and tired of snow, but hopefully it is FINALLY done.

althea

patrice, I'm so encouraged to see you clearing your table!  I just knew you'd start feeling more energized after they removed that polyp during your colonoscopy. 

I'm feeling better at long last also.  It seems to have some staying power.  I've had brief ups and long downs since treatments began, but the last crash and burn lasted ALL winter.  I was on the verge of taking hostages in january when my internist didn't reach for the prescription pad for my hypothyroidism.  Now I'm sort of glad he didn't.  I'm finding relief through natural healing.  I've been taking 'superfood' daily for six weeks now, and it makes a huge difference in how I feel. 

It's also causing a big dilemma.  I just added a signature to my profile today.  My idea of a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.  LOL  It flies in the face of the advice I'm supposed to follow with the natural healing foodplan.  I'm just halfway on board with it, and still I feel a world of difference.  Today is the final day of my very first detox.  I'd like to say I'm whirling around like a tasmanian devil, but I'm not.  Too lofty a notion perhaps.  On the other hand, I'm starting to actually DO things that need to be done, instead of just taking note of what needs to be done.  One small example from yesterday, I have a filing cabinet next to my desk that needed dusting.  It has needed dusting for months. 

Yesterday I looked at it and thought one more time, that cabinet needs dusting.  This time, I actually got a swiffer and dusted it!   And the last time I mowed the lawn, I remember when the thought entered my mind that day, and I actually was looking forward to it.  Ever since my ex moved out years ago, I've taken extraordinary pleasure in mowing the lawn.  Like bluesky and her yoga, my lawnmowing has been lackluster.  I would have to ration out my energy to accommodate mowing the lawn and then having time to crash and burn afterwards.  Now, when I feel tired, it's from actually DOING something, and I can get over it quickly.  I'm ready to ramp up my activity even more.  Hallelujah PTL!  Patrice, hope you stay on a roll also.  We've served our roles as experts on fatigue.  Now it's time for whatever's next, and dangit, it'd better be spectacular.  

Hanna60978

You're right g, breast cancer was an assault. I read your post and I really thought about it. I have had other things more immediately life-threatening, C-sections and other surgeries, broken bones, and car accidents and terrible pain from things that weren't cancer.  But I never felt assaulted by those things like I have with breast cancer.  Those things never made me so tired in the mind to where my body just can't do what it could. Breast cancer for me, was going from feeling just fine to being thrown into a fire of fear.  

So I thought about what you said and how my other surgeries or problems didn't do this to me. 

I thought maybe it's because since I was a young girl, I was both shy and happy about growing breasts. I was so thrilled when I finally got one of those young teen "training bras".  I'd secretly go and look at them in their boxes in the store. Then, getting older I wanted my breasts to be bigger so I stuffed my bras and made my own bikinis with extra stuffing in the top.  Eventually they grew enough to where I saw the boys noticing them and me more.  I was happy getting the boys attention and breasts opened a door to a new part of my life. Breasts were "second base".  Well, skipping over the x-rated parts....I get to where my breasts fed my babies.  All in all, till breast cancer,  breasts have always been a pleasure to have, a secret to share with someone I loved, a beautiful way to bond with and feed my babies. 

Breasts aren't like a bum knee or tonsils or an appendix.  Breasts were a part of my body that took and gave pleasure and sustenance. They belonged to me and I shared them with my closest loves. Even in hugs!  

Then breast cancer came and all kinds of people started looking at them. They were smashed in mammo plates, wires stuck in them, cut into, biopsied in many different ways so many times I lost count. Excised, radiated, burned, stitched, stabbed, ultrasounded and core biopsied and numbed and needled and finally removed.  By submission.

Everything changed.  This part of my body that was my mystery, my bonding with my husband and babies, became scrutinized by too many medical people, photographed in an ugly way, viewed on demand, poked, prodded, STOLEN from me!!!  Why do they always want so many pictures?!?  What was once mine alone to share was put on public display - a disease zone for all eyes and I couldn't stop it. I had to relinquish my modesty. They are now medical pictures in medical files. Breast cancer took my privacy and the dignity from my breasts.  It robbed me of the right to reveal my breasts when and where I chose to.   Breast cancer took parts of me before it actually took them away.  I know now that they can kill.  My breasts led such a full life.  Now I'm afraid because of them. Breasts were good to have. Now my chest is a wreck - it has to be because breast cancer can kill wonderful women. Just since I've been a part of this organization, breast cancer has killed wonderful women.  I am afraid because this disease hurts us on so many levels.

It is assaulting good innocent women.

Maybe this is the heart of my problem.  Why I'm tired and don't care about cleaning.  I want to be optimistic and am most of the time, but I'm grieving too.  Hopefully, tomorrow I'll clean my table.

gsg

Bluesky:  No, I have not lost any weight since starting synthroid.  I had lost 20 pounds by swimming every day through rads and continued on swimming daily and watching what I was eating for several months.  Then had some real emotional upheavals...loss of my stepdad and I cared for him until he died, lost a close girlfriend to breast cancer and am currently in the process of losing my very best friend in the world to pancreatic cancer.  I stopped exercising and started eating like crazy and I put that 20 back on.  I had gained 30 to 40 pounds during chemo...wild fluctuations.  So I'm back to square one and starting over.

althea:  I'm so happy you're feeling better as well and I wish you much success with your new regimen you're on!  The balanced cookie diet made me LOL in real life.

Hanna:  Your post left me speechless...in fact, it kind of took my breath away.  Right now I have chills.  Boy, you expressed what so many feel and you did it beautifully.  Thank you.

Bren-2007

Hannah,

I just couldn't explain it before.  I'm not even sure what thread I'm on ... just happened to see "gsg's" initials scrolling down.

Now, with tears running down my cheeks .. I truly know that someone understands. 

May I copy and print your post?

love,

Bren

gsg

thanks, lag, for your posts...hope your ER visit tonight goes well without a long wait!

I agree,Bren...what hanna wrote is absolutely awesome!  Also, thanks for checking this thread out after seeing my initials. 

swimangel72

God bless and keep all you wonderful women - I'm so fortunate to have found this web site. I only found this thread now, and haven't had time to read everyone's comments, but feel like sending everyone a cyber hug for all your sufferings, patience, and especially for sharing your experiences.

Gsg -I used to swim every day too - I actually swam the day before my surgery then put my membership at the Sports Club on "hold" until July. Now I wonder if I'll ever get back into the pool. I also feel like locking the door to my house, and never coming back, but I know it's only because I want to run away from the breast cancer. My house represents so many unfinished projects I started while I was still an innocent and untouched by BC. We're only here 3 years - we just finished renovating the exterior and painting the interior before Christmas, then came February and I was started on this roller-coaster ride which is consuming all my energy - both in  mind and body. My daughters will be coming home from college in May, and I try to motivate myself for THEM - try to look at catalogs to finally get some window treatments, but I feel absolutely no inspiration. I have papers piled high on every surface (including the piano bench, which is where I have kept all my mammo and MRI films).

Before reading this thread, I just called a cleaning service to FORCE myself to get into gear because I can't stand the dust and mess any more, especially on a beautiful Spring day like today. I'm trying hard not to feel sorry for myself - I really am very blessed in life - and I feel guilty even comparing my sorrows with anyone else on this web site since I feel pretty good other than some stomach pain - but the summer looms ahead with nothing but thoughts about the chemo that's waiting for me every two weeks for an entire year and I think to myself, "Is THIS what my life is all about now?" But I know it's not - I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that I should be grateful for the availability of modern medicine that can cure me of this disease - that this roller-coaster ride will end - and I promise myself to remain confident, at least as a good role model for my kids - to learn as much as I can about BC - and I ask God to let me be HIS instrument, for whatever purpose He has in mind - as he has used me in the past - even though I don't understand why - I do have faith that the ultimate light at the end of the tunnel will be a heavenly one. I know not everyone shares my faith, but that's ok, because we share our humanity and for now, that is EXACTLY what I need, so thank you again sweet laides!

lag

gsg I'm not going to the ER, I'm going to watch a show called "ER". That was cute though-I chuckled. I am however going to see my PS tomorrow for a fill, so today I cleaned up my bedroom as that is where I imagine I will be spending the rest of the day when I get home tomorrow.

Hanna-that was awesome-it gave me chills.!!!   Love it!!!

gsg

oops. LOL.  i'm so out of it.

swimangel:  Another beautiful post!  I'm at work and can't post more right now, but wanted you to know how much I appreciated what you wrote.

bluesky

gsg- sorry to hear about all that you have been thru and yes that's understandable how it would affect the weight. i sure do hope things get better real soon. we could all use some joy, after this ugly battle!

i just keep telling myself things will improve.......

Bren-2007

Gsg,

I can't get my s##t together and I'm nine months out of rads.  Geez ... I missed my surgeon appt on Tues.  It was clearly marked 4/15, Tues.  I got cleaned up and scooted off to the appt on Wednesday!!

Speaking of weight, I've gained 20 pounds since July.  Why do the 3 to 5 docs we regularly have to see keep telling us we have to lose weight?  Don't they think we've noticed none of our clothes fit, that we're depressed about it, that our poor fat belly's are sucking up any estrogen they kind find left in our body!!  I had to buy a pair of jeans at Layne Bryant the other day to accommodate my belly.  WTF!!  Just shoot me.  I'd use my ab machine, but I can't get my arms up over my head to pull the thing. 

My joy is my yard.  I planted tons of morning glory seeds today along the fence line of one of my fields, then came in and popped a Vicodin.  Whatever it takes to let me work in my yard.  I need my JOY!!

I'm going to read back and meet all you gals.

love,

Bren

Anonymous

Patrice, I am soooo happy that some of the gray is starting to lift.  Your table looked wonder.  AND YOUR WINDOWS LOOKED CLEAN...I could see out of them.  The table looked marvelous.  I just got mine cleaned off because of the kids coming home.  You've been through a lot with also losing your darling stepdad and then friends.

I clean when the kids come home for a visit.  By the time they leave I'm so tired all I want to do is sleep!  And I get so stiff I walk like I'm 90!

HannaB, your post brought tears to my eyes.  You should have that published in a magazine about breast cancer.  People need to know the WHOLE story.  It's not over when treatment's over.

I just looked down at my ring and saw all this dried up flour on it. LOL  Now, that'd be embarrassing if I went out with my ring all gunked up!  I guess I better go clean it before I forget!

Shirley

Anonymous

Hanna....those words hit to the heart. I am speechless, you've said it all.

 This may sound stupid, but I feel guilty for being here. Guilty because I don't have it so bad. Guilty because I am finished what I had to do. Guilty because I don't feel I deserve compassion for what I went through when others have so much worse. Guilty because I was so worried and it wasn't so bad. Guilty because I was "lucky" this time when so many I have met were'nt so fortunate. It makes me feel ashamed to even whisper a complaint. I still have fears and my body will always remind me of this.

LisaSDCA

"I still have fears and my body will always remind me of this."

So, just you hesh-up yo'sef with this guilty shit! You belong here!

Lisa

drcrisc

Hi Ladies,

Still getting to know my way around this "community" and this diesease. 

But I had to comment on Hannah's post - an awesome flow of pure insight and emotion.  I have joked with my dh and colleagues about the number of people that have needed to touch, prod, poke or just look at my breasts since this started.  "Anyone else - let's bring in the people from the hallway."  But sometimes it's not so funny. 

I was the victim of childhood sexual abuse just at the time my breasts were starting to grow.  In fact, they were the stated reason for it and a focus of unwanted attention.  Now I feel at that same place again.  I have never been able to get a massage from a stranger because I don't like to be touched by strangers.  And now with every new step, I have to let another stranger touch me.  This is bringing up bs I dealt with years ago (yes, I had over 3 years of therapy!) or at least thought I had until now.   THIS SUCKS.  But I will not be a victim this time.  I am not a child and I do have some control over this. 

 The other piece that really touches it for me is I have 2 daughters.  One is almost 9, the other is 4.  Even before my dx, my 9 y.o. was starting to ask questions about "boobies" - is she getting hers, are her friends getting theirs, etc.  She hasn't had a big response yet, but a few days ago after her bath, she stated "If I ever get a lump I'm going to cut it off - do we have a chainsaw?"  Although we initially laughed, I said quietly, "You don't want a lump like me" and she said "No."  And I am terrified for them to potentially have to experience this. 

Thanks for listening, ladies.  Clearly I needed to vent.

wishiwere

Hanna...............so to the point of feelings we all have.  Thank you for putting them down to read.  It helps.  Very well written.

Gsg.......... Glad to see you found your table.  Like you, I couldn't have posted a pic of my desk for fear of the health dept coming in and putting me in a straight jacket for the mess!  Let's not even talk about my sewing/hobby room that has become the bearer of all things not put away.  Every time someone was coming over to 'visit' since this dx, the 'things' were placed there for later deployment to their assigned duties! HA! They were still there till 2 days ago.  Yesterday the curtains were taken down to be washed.  Wonder how long I'll be without my curtains?  Only time will tell.  The desk is fairly straighten and cleaned now.  As far as I can reach anyway.  My arm is still a mess. Frozen shoulder, loverly.

Has anyone else had problems with going for other appt (not BC) related and not wanted 'others' in the room with them?  I've become obsessed with my pcp nurse, not wanting her in the room.  Just one more to see my bald head, my missing breast or the scars, or listening to my complaints.  I never used to say NO! to those 'learning' the ropes in the medical field, but now I do. THey can learn on someone else! I don't care anymore!

Meds.......I have a dd saying no to meds, b/c she thinks we can work through this. She's my main supporter, so I listen   THe rest of my family thinks I need something to help with the depression and anxiety.  I find it hard to go anywhere alone with the exception of dr appts.  I keep thinking it's fear of losing my hat, but I think it's more than that!  I just can't pin-point it and am in fear of becoming a recluse.

Then there's the idea of looking for a job.  I still can't stand to wear a bra (never did much before  except to work).  But it hurts my rib were the drain was.  So I'm lopsided, and have 1/2 inch of hair and an arm that can't extend to pull or push things.  Geesh, I couldn't even work McD's without that arm working for cripes sakes!

OH!  Here's the last one!  I refuse to wear a wig that someone else owned and possible died after wearing (to me it's like wearing someones' undies). I have to renew my license by the 24th or risk a fine.  WTF!?????  SO, I can 'purchase' a wig (which I can't afford) as the lady at the dmv says, and look NOTHING like myself, but I can't wear a small cap?  WHat ever!  FINE ME!  I don't care!  I'll stay home! I don't care!

Can you see where this is all going? 

NO WHERE!

I'll stay home!

gsg

Love all your posts...thank you!

Shirley, LOL@the flour stuck to your ring.

Sorry about your dd & sil wanting to continue on with their travels.  I have a feeling that is going to happen with my son.  I really can't imagine him being satisfied at this point with a regular life.  I have a feeling he's going to be in a cycle of working...saving money...traveling until the $$$ runs out and then repeating.  I have to say I'm not upset about it....I envy him.  I miss him horribly and worry about him preparing for his older years, but wow...what memories and it's building character and compassion for humanity in ways I can't even imagine.  Of course, I say that now...he's just been gone 13 months...talk to me next year, and I may be singing a different tune.

honeygirl

Ladies , thank you , thank you , thank you! I really thought it was just me. Dx Feb. 07 , and I still can't "get it together". Cleaning and organizing is like the last thing I want to do. I wake up saying "OK , I will do this and that and I end up doing nothing! I am really trying today. I will get something done. Its a beautiful spring day here. I can do this. I need a shot of motivation!

Hanna , wow. You so beautifully spoke of what all our hearts are feeling. Honestly. Thank you. You put the words to my feelings dead on.

gsg

Hi, Honeygirl..I'm hoping to get something accomplished today as well.  I haven't made any progress past my kitchen table.  I might try to go work outside...but we'll see. ho-hum.

oh, Shirley, one more thing...my windows looking clean is an optical "delusion." (I prefer that to illusion.)   if i used a better camera, you'd see that they are a smeared, dusty, dirty mess...when the sun gets to that side of the house, it looks like it's foggy outside.  atrocious. 

Harley44

I also can't seem to get my act together... see, today, I am supposed to be cleaning the house, since my MIL is coming over tonight, and we are going out to dinner for my birthday, which is Monday... but I can't seem to get off this site... 

Well, I'll try to catch up on this thread later...gotta go finish vacuuming and dusting, oh, and clean the bathrooms!! 

honeygirl

***FLASH NEWS ALERT*** Just in , honeygirl mopped her floor minutes ago , and is now going to wax it! Stay tuned for further updates!******

Have a happy birthday Harley!

bluesky

glad to hear that everyone else is getting something done today.

i could not fall asleep last night, i think i fell asleep at 4am, up at

10:30, uuughh! i have not been able to get off this site. i need to go

clean the bathroom, change the sheets on the bed and do my pilates and then go to yoga take a class and teach my class. oh yeah it has been gorgeous here for 2 days, and i did not go outside at all, i stayed in and did nothing. i have been eating very little, trying to lose weight and made myself so weak, i finally ate a bigger dinner last night, before bc, i was never home, outside and doing something all the time. i can barely get off my couch and internet now. so depressing!

Hanna60978

Oh my I'm getting embarassed about all this you all  .  I was just taking a trip back in time and working my way up to the present.  If this didn't feel so much like the right thread to free think and write on, I would never have put it into words.  I know you all can do the same thing and write it down.  Maybe here because this thread feels like a group circle where we are talking the true behind the scenes stuff.  

You know what though....after I wrote out in words how this whole stuff has felt, I fell asleep for an hour and woke up feeling better in general.  And, I actually started making some headway on the kitchen!   I wouldn't exactly be posting any pictures cause it hasn't come as far as g's table, but I started.  The table's still a mess but the center counter island is all clear.  For me I look back on this year and see how I made it through but there is literal fallout all around me.  Not that you all are as whacked out as me, but I am reading things that are ME here.  Like the window treatments stuff and not being able to get going on that, and the boxes sitting there waiting to be put away or sorted through, and dishes that just pile up because I think the Alloderm in my boob must have been skin donated from a man since I have lost interest in both cooking, grocery shopping AND dish doing ever since it has become part of my body!  Do any of you think this could be possible??  I think there was even a movie similar to this thought.  Now I buy paper plates and cups and get carryout most of the time and this is just not me!

I'm just waiting to see if I get a sudden interest in sports or burping loud. That will be the proof right there.  Thanks you girls and g for this thread.