2005 ROCK-TOBER CHEMO GIRLS

ravdeb

Marymelodi...sorry about your slow healing wound. Hope that clears up without too much discomfort. Sounds pretty awful!
I did my 10th rad today. So far all is well....

I'm feeling good, just a bit tired from all the trips back and forth everyday for rads, and not sleeping due to hot flashes all night long (was truly tossing and turning last night!..and what is mangosteen? Never heard of that.)but cancer is on my mind continually.

Today a very close friend of mine told me that when I'm done with rads and return from my summer overseas, she thinks I should stop writing on the boards and put my cancer "behind" me as she put it. I just glared at her and said that my cancer will never be behind me but rather will always be with me. I thought she understood this. I'm sure she would like it to just disappear, but this stuff is ME now. She told me I need to go back to "normal" and I told her that my normal is different now.

All of this really urked me as I thought she understood and I thought she realized my feelings.

I'm sure that I won't be quite as obsessed with the whole thing as I am now while I'm still in treatment. At least I hope that I won't be as obsessed. But... if she can't accept the new me...hmmmmmmm...not sure what to think about it all....

ravdeb

Anonymous

Marymelodi -
I hope the wound heals quickly. As if you haven't had enough to deal with! Hang in there.

Chumfry -
There is so much to "shake". Probably not uncommon at this point to still have your "moments". I certainly do and I am still riding the roller coaster of fear. Some days I'm fine, other days I'm a mess! I recently heard this saying and it makes sense to me: You can live as a diseased person - or you can live as a person with a disease.

ravdeb,
I am convinced NO ONE, other than those diag. can truly understand what we have been through. This is why I am so thankful for our group here. As time goes by I am talking less about it to my friends. My dh and my Mum though, will never mind listening or stop understanding.
Laura

maryannecb

Laura, Effexor in small doses is helpful for some with hot flashes.

Going back to work is helping me think less about all this. Also less time on the boards. I am so glad I had you all when I was alone and thinking of all this. I was happy to get advice and even happier to help others along the way. Now that I am working again I have all my old resources and outlets again.

Good appointment with onc today, he doesn't want to see me for two months. Yahoo. 8 rads to go, yes the count down is on!

I really have come to the conclusion that in the magic five years I will be 100% here or 100% dead. I am trying not to waste any time thinking about it until something happens. If I am well I have enjoyed the full five years, if I am not then at least I was content until it all struck again. I am not saying to put it all behind you. Just don't let the whole fear and unknown thing consume your life. Do all you can to stay healthy and live each day if you can.

Fists up!

Paula15089

ooooh, the dreaded stats... i dont want to think about it. Ever. Whats the point? I think we should just enjoy life as much as we can, try to be healthy, diet, excercise, etc, do whatever preventative measures we have to do, and hope for the best.
Thankfully, my doctors have never given me any stats, neither have i asked for it. Call it denial, but its where i want to be.

Amy, you brave chick! I can't bear to part with even 1mm of my hair... But i would love to see a pic of yours!
Go to this website:
http://www.imageshack.us/

its pretty simple, just host you pic and then let us know where its is located.

Paula15089

another thing...
i am not getting hot flashes as such (only a matter of time i suppose since i am on Zoladex+tamoxifen), but i am getting extremely hot and red EARS!! anyone else?? Just imagine what is looks like with short hair..

chumfry

Maryanne: You're 100% right. <grin> I will focus on thinking that way. Most of the time, I have been fine but for some reason it just jumped on my head and I couldn't shake it. But it didn't last long and I'm much better now. <g>

My exchange surgery was scheduled for May 22, but the PS's secretary called me today and said the surgeon couldn't do it that day. I was bummed because it meant more time with the baseball boob. Then she said: "How about Wednesday?" Ack! So my surgery is the day after tomorrow! I can't decide whether to be excited or scared. Guess I'm both.

sherryhaire

Cindy, I hope you are excited, one more thing to put behind you how exciting!! Wish I was at that point. Good luck

Anonymous

Hockey puck? Baseball boob? How funny! And how true!

Right now, my is hurting again from the expansion. Chumfry, you should be sooooo excited!!!

marymelodi

Hi!
Just a small question. When you gals mention "exchange" surgery, do you mean exchanging the expander for an implant? I only had a lumpectomy so I am unfamiliar with the lingo.

My radiation wound looks better today. I spent all of last night topless, in my room, letting it dry out some, with only a thin layer of moisturizer to keep it from cracking open. When I showered this morning I think I could see definite improvement.

I think that for me it will be better to live as fully and healthily as possible, letting the statistics just be there in the background. I do not want to be fearful of the future and so I will just concentrate on making each day the best it can be. That is how it seems best for me. Still, I will never be able to forget what the last 9 months have meant to me, how I have changed, what I have learned, and the people I have come to know . . . you all chief among them!

Graycie

I also had a lumpectomy so I am also curious about "exchange" surgery. It must be us New Yorker's...HA

Marymelodi, I agree live for today......Did you try aquaphor? That along with neosporin did the trick for me with my radiation sore.

Graycie

ravdeb

Yes, I am in agreement that I want to live for today and not be totally consumed by this cancer. I am quite sure I'll calm down and get involved with other kinds of things once I'm done with treatments and am off visiting friends and family overseas this summer. I also have begun to think about what I'll be doing in the Fall when I return and getting more involved with my artwork, a new business perhaps, and some other activities.

But...I know that this cancer and the treatments had a huge impact on my life and has made me change direction in my life's journey. I don't want to just "put it all behind me" because it is a part of me now no matter what. I want to learn to live happily with it as I have no doubt in my mind that I'll be living with it for many many more years to come. I do not imagine recurrence, nor do I fear it. But I do know that this cancer journey will be with me for the rest of my life.

ravdeb

chumfry

Yes, an "exchange" surgery is when they take out the expander (which in my case is as hard as a baseball and as large as a grapefruit) and put a nice soft implant in its place. I'm also having a reduction and lift on my "good" breast, so they will be more of a matched pair. <grin> I have/had DDD breasts (which require industrial strength bras to avoid back/neck aches) and we're aiming for C cups, which will be a nice change.

Through this whole process, I've been really good (I think) at being upbeat and forward thinking. That's why I was so surprised to get engulfed by this sense of hopelessness and despair. I do think, though, that it was prompted by my friends and relatives acting like BC was all a bad dream that I should just try to forget. Like it or not, the spectre of recurrence will be with us for the rest of our lives. It's a reminder of our mortality, but that can be a good thing if it reminds us to live now and live well.

RoseMarie

Again, catching up...if it's not one thing...Mary - hope you get some relief soon!!!
I was a 36A (AA really) so I'm looking forward to having some boobs for a change!! My size was the main reason I opted for a mastectomy - the doctors told me there would be no breast left to conserve!! My kids didn't starve from malnutrition with those small boobies but...cleavage will be nice! I don't have a date yet for my exchange but it will probably be in June...

Maryanne- I can now officially say I have eyelashes!! (as of 2 days ago) Yippee!! My eybrows are slowly coming in but last week I could pull out what I had - now they seem to be coming in for good.

Warm thoughts being sent out to all of you!! You all mean so much to me!!!!!!

maryannecb

Cindy, good luck with exchange surgery, I'm sure it will go well. Hope you come back and are as pleased as tda. I still smile thinking how happy she was that day.

Ravdeb I think this trip will put you in a forward thinking mood. Not that any of us can ever forget this past year but the sooner we live in today and look forward to our future the better we will feel. My most despairing times were when I gave up on my future. The first few months I had this awful feeling that every time I did something it was the last time. Now I rarely feel that. Ok sometimes I do but not often. And that is good as it is really sad to think about that...

Rosemarie, I am jealous, big time. We finished treatment the same day.Oh well soon I guess. I am getting pretty good at drawing lashes and brows though.

I am too wimpy for reconstruction so am trying to bond to my scar. I am 34A so prosthesis looks fine in clothing. It is tempting to finally have breasts though so who knows what I will do in the future.

Fists up!

Anonymous

I am so happy for those of you that are getting new boobs, having the old ones spruced up, throwing in a little lipo-job, etc...

I actually had an expander put in at the time of my Mast. The pain I had from it was horrible. I could feel it move and it felt like it was burning inside of me. I could only walk hunched over because I couldn't handle the pain of having my skin stretched. And during the Mast. my Sent Node came back positive. So, 2 weeks later I had an Axil. Node Dis. I BEGGED the PS to "stop by" during the surgery and remove the expander. Much to his dismay, he did. (I'm probably the only whimp that has ever had that done!) Afterward he said the expander was rubbing against one of my ribs (even the smallest expander was a little too big for my chest cavity). The scar tissue that has built up as a result may prevent me from ever being able to have reconstruction, but that's okay. You girls are so much tougher than me. I definately could not handle any more pain or an exchange surgery. But then again, you never know.

Again, I am so happy for all of you! Cheers - enjoy!
Laura

ake

rosemarie...congrats on the eyelashes...they'll get really thick now

i'm hanging in there...i work out with an ex-marine trainer 2x a week at my gym and she's making me run like crazy. i'm up to almost a mile and a half now at a pretty fast pace. it's honestly my new treatment. i go to the gym every day. on 3 days out of the 7, i run. it's when i feel the most powerful. it's been a huge thing for me...to like my body again and to feel strong and to be proud of what it's doing.

i honestly don't think about cancer a lot anymore. i think by nature...my day doesn't let me. i'm a therapist, so i'm constantly putting my stuff to the side for my patients. it's always in the back of my mind, but not too much. once in a while i'll get in a funk about something and i'll feel down, but then it goes away. i mostly get upset about cancer when i'm out with friends and i feel different...because i can't be carefree and drink an unlimited amount of martinis, because i went bowling and had to stop because my right arm started to get sore, because i still get tired more than people my own age. i got upset and said to my husband, "i hate being different!" he said, "you are different. it doesn't mean it's a bad thing." so, i'm hanging in there. what a crazy year...i can't believe it's not even been a year since diagnosis yet!!!!

-amy

TracyNY

I am going on my first official vacation next week. I'm going to Barbados for 5 days. I plan to lay out in the sun and get as brown as I possibly can. Unfortunately I have to still wear my darned lipo girdle but I can hide it under my tankini!

I'll find a secluded corner of the beach and see if I can tan these mastectomy scars away!!

Anonymous

Amy --- think of yourself as unique, not different.

tda --- Barbados is so much fun! I went there years ago and really enjoyed the sand and sun. Oh and the rum punch! Don't miss the caverns, they are beautiful. Downtown was great as well with Trafalgar Square. I went jet skiing in that lovely blue warm water and had lots of 'flying fish' for dinner!

Laura - too bad about the expanders, maybe it will work out for you later.

Rosemarie - I've got eyelashes coming in now to the point that I can even put mascara on them. I know you still cannot see them but at least it keeps the eyeliner from streaking off my eyes!

marymelodi

Wow! It looks to me like not one of us posted a message here yeterday. The last one I see is from 5/9/06. I believe that we are all busy with life and everything it brings us.

Good luck and best wishes to those having surgeries soon. I hope you get nice results and feel good about it. I had alot of breast tissue to start with (dh said, "You can afford to lose some. . .") and so my lumpectomy did not result in too much difference. I can see it when I'm alone naked in front of a mirror, but with a bra on, in clothes, there is no discernable difference. I am the tiniest bit envious of you having smaller, nicer breasts when all is said and done, but after this last 9 months, it would take alot for me to go in for another surgery. You are brave and I wish you all the best!

Graycie: thanks for the hint about the radiation wound. I was given silver sulfadiaziene at the Cancer Center and it has really helped. I also got an antiseptic/anesthetic wash made by Band-Aid brands and it has helped me to keep the wound clean. It is healing, just slower than I expected. Also, going topless and letting it get drier after a day in my clothes seems to be the things to do.

tda - have a great vacation!!

Amy - did you take the boards exam yet? Just wondering how you are doing with that?

Have a good day to everyone!!!

RoseMarie

Maryanne - I was hoping to encourage you!! Your eyelashes will be in soon...
Barbados sounds great, tda! You will have fun!
I'm hoping to make it to an Amish festival this weekend - I'm loving living in Indiana...but it IS May, right?? I am sooo cold!!!!!!! My internal Florida clock thinks it's supposed to be warm from the middle of March until the middle of November!!! Oh well...

maryannecb

Rosemarie I am jealous in the nicest possible way. In fact just maybe I see baby lashes.

Yes I think that was our first postless day. Hurray! We are moving on.

Mary hope your skin heals up soon. I have 20/25 rads done. My skin is red, especially two spots. It is very itchy and I have to talk myself out of using a wire brush on it. JK. HC cream is helping.This time next week I will be done rads. I feel like I am sliding into homeplate.

I have finally lost 5 pounds, 15 more to go. I have been exercising now for a month, and passing on most high fat , high cal foods. I feel better about myself, I hate seeing extra weight.

Amy, your hair is coming along nicely.

Fists up

ake

still hanging in there...my boards are next wed...eek! but, i'll keep saying this one thing...it's really really nice to stress about something other than cancer

Anonymous

tda -
Wow! Have fun on your trip!

Amy -
Best wishes to you next Wednesday!

Everyone -
Hi there!

Laura

TracyNY

Is it me or do any of you feel in dire need of a nap when you get home from work? I'm not sure if its the weather changing, old age, or leftover chemo fatigue that I read about.

On the one hand I want to leave cancer behind me, but on the other hand, my body has taken quite a bashing for the past year and has every right to feel exhausted.

Side bar: I bought two hot camisoles for my trip. As much as I love the new "girls", it was weird buying tops that ordinarily I could not have because of the DD's. I felt like a stranger for a second. Don't worry, the feeling passed quick!!

Graycie

tda,
I feel exactly like you. Maybe it is the weather since we both live in the Northeast and the weather changes so much. I don't work but I am fine all day and as soon as 4:00 PM comes around I am ready for a nap. I could hardly stay awake last night so I went up to bed around 9:00PM and was up most of the night. I made my self stay in bed and I did go back to sleep but now I got up feeling tired. I am starting to wonder if allergies have something to do with it. My eye's feel real tired and scratchy.

On another note, I bet you look great in your new camisoles. Getting away is probably the best thing for you. Have a great time on your trip.

Graycie

Anonymous

Hi everyone, Glad to see we are all hanging in there. Where is ravdeb?

Even though my hair is covering my head, it's so weird looking! It has light and dark spots all over it. I am still wearing wigs to work but baseball caps around town when I am off work. I even got a new wig and I love it!! It's just like my old hair before I cut it all off. It looks just like the old me when I put it on. I wore it to work and everyone was amazed how it seemed it was the old me. I can even put it up in clips or in a clippie.

ravdeb

Hey Terynsmom..
I'm here...Thanks for thinking of me. And glad you got a wig that makes you feel like YOU!!

Not much to add these days...

Toes still numb, I noticed. I mean... I try not to think of these things but today I went for a nice long walk and yep..toes are making my uphill climbs more difficult.

Back and legs hurt me...arms ache... I did 12 radiation treatments...whole breast...could this be why? I feel really tired.

And just trying to feel more normal so I baked a cake and burned it... the baking part is normal...the burning part is very ABNORMAL for me. Was so upset! I find I am no longer multi-task equipped...I was on the phone with my dh and then forgot that the cake had only like 2 or 3 minutes to finish baking, and I started doing something else!
DARN!!!!

We ate it...but....

Hope all is well...I do think we are beginning to move on...once we are out of chemo, things change, huh?

Also noticed how good it was to have so many days off of rads. I have this past Thurs until Monday and this break of not going to the cancer center is a true gift.

Now..if my hair did not remind me of it....


ravdeb

TracyNY

I can relate to that Ravdeb. One morning I was making pancakes and turned my attention to something else, it took me about 20 minutes to get the smoke out of my apartment!! I damn near burned my place down!!

We are winding down aren't we?! Its a good thing, its been pretty intense. Its nice to get upset about other things like burning cakes instead of some test result or side effect.

I hope your feet improve. Mine feel like I only have four toes on each foot, one is numb! My shoe game is way off! I am a four inch heel girl and I've been relegated to flats and sneakers until the taxol leaves me alone. It needs to hurry up, I got places to go!!

Anonymous

TAMOXIFEN - ARE YOU TAKING IT?
Girls, you may know this but just in case...
My Gyn ordered an US of my Uterus to establish a baseline of the thickness of the lining/wall, due to the slight chance of getting cancer of the Uterus from taking Tamoxifen. I had it done on Thursday. The thickness of mine was normal, so I will be getting another one in either 6 mos. or a year (forgot to ask).
But anyway, just thought I'd mention this additional precaution (as if we don't have enough of them already!).
Hope you are all having a good weekend.
Laura

RoseMarie

Good info Laura...I'm going to ask about Evista next time I'm in. If it truly is as good as Tamoxifen without the side effects I'd rather be on that...
Ok you school teachers, you may have seen this study on the "high risk" thread but if not, here's the link. I thought it was interesting: http://envirocancer.cornell.edu/Newsletter/articles/v11Teachers.cfm
Have a happy mother's day, ladies!!!