American Idol

Posted at 7:02 AM ET, 04/24/2008

"American Idol": Survival of the Weakest

Andrew Lloyd Webber Week Results Night on "American Idol" is a shocker from start to finish.

Show host Ryan Seacrest kicks things off by kissing judge Simon Cowell, after which he assures Simon, "Relax -- it didn't mean anything."

Even though it was only a kiss on the head, Simon is so stunned he reflexively moves his chair closer to judge Paula Abdul and puts his arm around her.

Paula is observing Andrew Lloyd Webber Week by dressing up as the Merry Widow, under the mistaken belief Lloyd Weber wrote that one, too.

Seacrest announces 38 million votes have been cast. TMZ is reporting "Idol" message boards are abuzz with news Jason Castro is this week's bootee and that it was somehow leaked by Seacrest himself and an e-mail was involved. This sounds extremely dubious, even though Castro mauled "Memory" from the play "Cats" the night before because he did not realize it was about, um, cats. Jason's performance was one of the evening's two worst -- the other being that of Nanny Brooke, who forgot the lyrics to her Lloyd Webber tune about four words in. I'm guessing the eviction of Jason would not be a shocker to anyone except millions of prepubescent girls who are in love with him.

Tonight's "American Idol" mashup is "All I Ask of You" from -- gak -- "The Phantom of the Opera." Lloyd Webber is accompanying the Idolettes on the piano, trying not to look pained.

This is just a little blurb from the column I am now addicted to....if you google her you can read other ones. 

I just find her incredibly funny.   Often times, very true, too.  

Paula was definitely out of it tonight--I felt bad for her, it had to be embarrassing to be that confused!!!! I really hope Brooke or Jason go home this week.  Wow--Syesha looked absolutely beautiful and sang so well tonight! I think she 'll come in 3rd behind the 2 Davids with Cook winning it all.

For the record, there are other charts besides Pop and Rock. Just because you don't see the former AI's on either of them doesn't mean they are washed up.

Rubin Studdard had a few hits on R&B charts before doing a gospel release. His newest release is R&B, so unless you listen to it/follow R&B chart toppers, you wouldn't have heard it - just like I had no idea Kellie Pickler was doing well because I don't listen to/follow country.

Fantasia has had two R&B releases go platinum. She also starred as Celie in the Broadway production of "The Color Purple" - so trust me, she's doing alright for herself. 

Oh Man, was that funny!!!!!  I just watched Paula, and had to rewind it and see it a second time!  ha ha ha!!!!!!! 

Oh, the show was drab, indeed.  Neil Diamond was like a slab of wood.  He had nothing constructive to say!!!! 

David Cook did really well on the second song, David A. was adorable as always, Syesha did GREAT!  Why would Simon predict that she was in trouble?!?!  Jason-he is so cute, but those songs were so out of his "zone" to use the judges word of the night.  Brooke looks silly when she sings fast songs. 

Oh dear, who is the next mentor going to be?!?!?! 

They should have an idol alumni mentor the kids, and let them just pick a SONG, any song!!!! 

Posted at 6:37 AM ET, 04/30/2008

"American Idol": Holly Holy! It's Neil Diamond Night!

"American Idol" comes unhinged on Neil Diamond Night.

For starters, each of the remaining five Idolettes gets to sing not one but two Diamond tunes. Then, to save time, the show's judges -- Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell, won't get to critique the Idolettes until each has performed both tunes.

"Bring those perky contestants in," Diamond says in a taped bit, giving us hope this week might be as good as last week's Andrew Lloyd Webber night, if only Diamond's being sarcastic.
Sadly, he's not, which becomes apparent as he prattles on about his songs being written to be joyful.

ROUND 1

Jason Castro rehearses "Forever in Blue Jeans" with Diamond, only he's brought along the lyrics to his second tune, "September Morn." Even so, Diamond thinks Jason will "do great."
Diamond is overly optimistic, as befits a guy whose songs are written to be joyful. Jason does well enough, though he sounds and looks like he's been eating those flowers he used to put in his dreadlocks. The Mosh Pit Sorority Sisters are so unable to pick up the beat they don't even try to do The Wave.

Show host Ryan Seacrest asks David Cook how he has prepared to sing "I'm Alive." David C. says he was going to ask Seacrest the same thing. Oh snap! But Seacrest, presumptive winner of the Very First Primetime Emmy Award for Best Reality Series Host, misses nary a beat and says he uses his hairbrush for a mike and sings in front of the mirror, teaching David C. that he messes with The Seacrest at his own peril. Diamond is seen predicting in a taped bit that David C. will "do great."

Once again -- too joyful in his prediction, though David C. is pretty good.

When Nanny Brooke meets Diamond in the taped bit, she asks whether he's a hugger or a handshaker. He thinks it's a trick question and doesn't want to commit, saying he's both. Nanny Brooke will first sing "I'm a Believer" like a Junior Leaguer at a hootenanny, followed by a more introspective "I Am ... I Said" at the piano with some of the more difficult lyrics -- something about palm trees grow and the rents are low -- written on the palm of her hand lest she forget the words to a song for the third time this season. Diamond suggests that for the second song, she change the reference to being New York born and raised to Arizona, since that's where she's from, which will make it more "genuine" -- which is an interesting word to use in connection with a song that includes such lyrics as "and no one heard at all, not even the chair."

David "Baby Elmo" Archuleta has picked "Sweet Caroline" for his first tune. Diamond says he's "kind of a prodigy" and with a little guidance "I think he will do great."

We're sensing a trend. Or some senility setting in. Anyway, Baby Elmo's performance is the same as ever because he can't seem to do otherwise, whether he's singing a goofy tune like this one or the heavy-message song he favors. Oh, and David A. already has forgotten Andrew Lloyd Webber's advice about not shutting his eyes.

Syesha Mercado picks "Hello Again," on which, Diamond says, she did a "wonderful job" during rehearsals. He predicts she will -- wait for it -- "do great" on "Idol" night. If she could just add skating, she would make an excellent star of Idols on Ice. Instead, she performs barefooted for reasons that are never explained, which is kinda like introducing a knife in Act 1 without having used it by the final curtain. The audience feels cheated.

First round over, all the Idolettes are brought back onstage so the judges can do some speed-critiquing. Randy calls Jason "okay," David C. good, Brooke "better than last week" but still "karaoke" and David A. "the bomb," while Syesha was "in the zone."

What happens next is the Very Best Paula Moment. Ever. She has hallucinated an entire second song performance by Jason before he's given it. She says she loves hearing his lower register in his first song, but feels he did not do enough with his second song or something. Everyone looks confused -- including Paula, who says, "Oh, I thought you sang twice."

"You're seeing the future, baby -- come back!" Seacrest says.

Simon jumps in while Paula tries to swat the bats out of her brain. Jason was "forgettable," David C. "just above average," Nanny Brooke "a nightmare," David A. "amateurish" and Syesha "old fashioned," he says, telling the Idolettes they'd better pull off the "performances of a lifetime" the next go-round.

He's apparently forgotten they're stuck with Neil Diamond tunes.

ROUND 2

Jason faces the biggest challenge any "American Idol" contestant has ever faced. He has to deliver a performance that's already been panned by one of the judges before he even sings a note. Cleverly, he picks "September Morn," which he sings in a register that can be heard only by prepubescent girls, who are voting for him by the millions, but not by any of the judges. Understandably, neither Randaula nor Simon is impressed. Frustrated, Simon even predicts Jason will look back at his performance tonight and "not know who this person is." Which is undoubtedly true, but for a different reason than Simon thinks and having mostly to do with those flowers we think he's been pulling out of his hair and eating.

David C., who sadly no longer bears any resemblance to the Coroner Munchkin -- a pox upon those "Idol" makeover artists! -- does "All I Really Need Is You." Randaula and Simon seem convinced they are looking at the next American Idol. David C. simpers.

Nanny Brooke's "I Am ... I Said" makes no sense when she changes "New York" to "Arizona" -- at the suggestion of Diamond -- because then she can't be "lost between two shores" living in Los Angeles. Sadly, this geographic blooper is lost on the judges who seem mostly relieved she remembers all the lyrics -- even the one about the deaf chair.

News Flash: Carly Simon has told the Associated Press Nanny Brooke should win "Idol" this year because a few weeks back when she sang Simon's "You're So Vain" she sang the song "so much better than I ever did or ever could." Then again, Carly Simon also says she doubts Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Joni Mitchell or her ex, James Taylor, would have gone far on "Idol" because they had untrained voices. She's clearly senile.

Baby Elmo plays the Kristy Lee Cook Patriot Card, singing "Coming to America" while a U.S. flag waves in the background. He sounds like a performer at Disneyland. We resist the urge to imagine Disney cash cow Hannah Montana deflowering him in a Scary-Stage-Parent-arranged sex scandal. Randaula calls the patriot card his "zone" and Simon calls it "a smart choice of songs ... it ticked all the boxes."

Syesha's back to sing "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime" and once again she's barefoot, causing Randaula to begin blathering about her wonderful Broadway/theatrical place.

"This is officially the strangest show we've ever done," Simon says. Getting back to Syesha, he says she's demonstrated she's a very good "actress-singer" but predicts she's getting the hook this week. Safe bet given her frequent visits to the Stools of the Bottom 2 or 3. 

I had to include this again-I think she is hilarious, and found her "round one" synopsis pretty darned funny.   Sorry if I'm taking up too much space....hope you guys enjoy! 

I was a Brooke fan, too.  However, I am losing respect for her after her claim that it was "her first time" losing a lyric.  We will never know if "Every Breath You Take" was a flub of lyric or a flub of technique, but either way, YOU DON'T STOP and start over!!!!! 

I do like her in front of a piano. She's the kind of musician I'd like to have playing while I clean the house....singable.....