can't seem to 'move on'

Hi Wink and everyone,

I know the fear you feel.  I'm still under treatment and I worry about it not working and I wonder every little twinge I have.  Like the last week I have had pain under my arm, doctor assures me its from nerves from the surgery but still.....

I read about some of the women who had A/C and it didn't work.  So I second guess my treatment and want a little of it all.  That sounds nuts doesn't it. 

I guess what I'm saying is when you feel total lost or alone just remember your not.

Teresa

Hi Everyone: Thanks for your joke Cindy....I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. Reading everyones comments has made me feel normal. I finished treatment in October and everyone keeps asking me when I am going back to work. I am also told that I look great.  I tell everyone that I will go back to work when I feel strong again both emotionally and physically. I also tell them that despite looking great (I think they are being too kind) I am still very tired. My oncologist said that most people at my stage of post treatment are back to work part-time. I say kudos to them...I'm not ready.

Thanks for making me feel normal everyone!!!!

Jacqueline 

Hi Everyone,

When I finished treatment I thought about cancer every day. It seemed like cancer stories were everywhere I went. There were advertisements on TV, entertainers high lighted on talk shows and news programs, posters around town and more. It seemed I couldn't get away from it. It was very intense, but time has taken the teeth out of it. It's hard to know at the end of treatment that you won't always have cancer be so up front in your life.

For me every time a test and scan came back clear, I relaxed more. The clear tests allowed me to believe I my treatment worked. I thought it sort of felt like when a mother lets her child drive for the first time. The first time they take the car you worry the whole time they are gone. You are on guard and vigilant. Over time mom can relax a little and maybe she only worries if her child doesn't come home on time. She still wants to know they end the night safe and sound, but the intensity of worry goes down.

I think it is like this for many of us after we finish treatment. We are vigilant because we have to be. We have a serious illness and we are alert to symptoms. At some point and I think it might have been around my two year anniversary, I got to where I didn't worry so much. I felt like we were watching so closely, that I could take a break in between scans.

I went to my regular doctor this week because I had a funny raised bump on the back of my knee. My thoughts went to skin cancer so I wanted to check it out. I felt funny going in for such a little thing, but I would have been devastated if I had ignored it and it had been something serious. I shared my self consciousness about the appointment with my doctor. She was wonderful about it. She said it is human nature to be alert after a serious illness. She shared her own experience with a serious illness.

I guess I just want to say, be gentle with your spirit and with the words you say to yourself. Sometimes we can add to our discomfort by beating ourselves up with the way we judge ourselves.

Warmly,

Sadie

Holly my dear sister,

I am a 2 1/2 year survivor and can tell you that some days this cancer business is really hard to deal with.  For me the emotional post cancer part of this journey is harder than it was going through treatment...

Some days I get angry that I even have to worry about this blasted disease when all of my 40 something friends are so carefree about their health.  

I am always quick to remind those that say that you have had cancer and its done and over with that our reality is--- there is no cure for breast cancer.  It really is my opportunity to raise awareness amongst all the women at work and others that are so ignorant of this disease!

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this that we are all in the same boat.  

I try my hardest to not let the fear overtake my life but am honest with myself that some days that fear is overwhelming and I lean on my sisters here to get me through those days as they are truly the only ones that understand.

<> 

<>Your bc sister

<>Michele 

You know what? I couldn't agree with you any more!!!! My last chemo was Jan 25th and somehow I thought I would return to normal life. I am exhausted, depressed, anxious and you name it!!!

Well, ahem, even though it was off a cruise ship (cheap) I have been to Bora Bora, and I really hate to tell you all, it is better than you can imagine.  The water is SO WARM and the people are super friendly.  We only had one day but I just loved it.  Seems like maybe it is the way Hawaii was 40 years ago.

I would love to stay in one of the huts over the water.  I think they are so wonderful (of course, with prices to match).

Anyway, couldn't resist putting in my two cents.

Hugs, Shirlann 

My onc asked me if I wanted an anti-depressant and I said not yet. Maybe I will later, but first I feel like I have to try to see what's happening with me and see if I can make any sense of it. Is that odd? I go from angry to excited that I'm "okay" to depressed, then angry again - a series of emotions that last a few weeks at a time.  The only thing I can tell so far is that however I'm feeling right now will probably change. When I said I didn't want medication yet, the onc told me to call the social worker, who told me to read a book called "Dancing in Limbo - making sense of life after cancer."  Just one of *many* books I've read to help me understand how we change after the diagnosis - and how our relationships with others change.  I've always been pretty satisfied to go to work and go home - I don't like to socialize and I don't have many "close" friends. Now I have days at a time when I can barely tolerate being around other people.  Now I understand that if I'm patient and don't berate myself, that passes, too.

Here's a quote from a review about Dancing in Limbo:

"I immediately wanted to recommAnd this book to my patients. [It] will serve as a roadmap to help cancer patients to anticipate feelings and stages of the coping process. It will help demystify the complex and often baffling set of experiences on the uncertain path of cancer survivorship."

I made copious notes in the margins, a process that seems to help me define my own experience.

I'm glad this message board is here. I turn to all of you often when I need to hear from my sisters on this common journey. Love to all of ya!

lol I got mine last week....I love it too.

Teresa

Hey - Traci and Teresa, I'm so glad you got your shirts! I wore mine when I went in for surgery last week.  Of course, I had to put on the stupid gown, but at least I marched into the hospital and into admitting wearing it!

Oh, and Shirlann - next time you hear of a cheap cruise to the South Pacific, you'll be sure and let a sistah know, right?

Lisa

Hi!

I just ordered this book on Amazon.com.

The author is Glenna Halvorson-Boyd.

Ann 

Thank you ladies I needed the laugh, I am ordering that shirt it is one I don't have.  I was given many shirts from Save the Ta Ta's, cancer sucks, to my fave I have chemo brain what's your excuse.  Humor is a great medicine, to all having adjustment issues, you have never been more normal, I tried going to yoga class that had meditation emphasis, and as the instructor was getting us to to "let go" she said hand over your troubles, I had mental thought OK here lady you hold this damn breast cancer and I will be back for it in say oh 50 years and of course this sent me into a fit of uncontrollable giggles, I had to leave and I could not understand why they were giving me such crazy looks over the giggles till I got in car and caught glimpse of myself, scarf askew with pointy shape at top and pooching out on right side, 2inch hair sticking straight up and peeking out the left side.  Well I was still giggling from before now I was full out laughing, I wet my brand new $40.00 yoga pants.  Damn felt good the laughing and the wet pants.  Keep persevering don't let the %$#@ win.

  Leslie

Mel, don't ever feel guilty for expressing those feelings here. Chemo is certainly 'the gift that keeps on giving' and we're finding that out the hard way. Exhaustion makes it extra tough to feel 'up' and positive. Maybe you will get a rest with your reconstruction if Bora Bora is out of the question?

hugs,

Lisa

Rav/Deb; Thanks for your support; sorry it took me so long to reply. Jacqueline

Thanks Michelle....Jacqueline

Arnica: Thanks for recommending the book....it sounds exactly like what I've been looking for. I too go through various moods and am quiet content to spend time by myself. As a matter of fact I quiet enjoy solitude.

Thanks Jacqueline