can't seem to 'move on'

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  • twink
    twink Member Posts: 1,574
    edited February 2008

    Hey Traci ... hugs girl.

    Bora Bora... South Pacific?

    I'm with you Wink... the magic 3-5 years.  I started counting January 10, 2008.  One month down, 35 to go.

  • sftfemme65
    sftfemme65 Member Posts: 790
    edited February 2008

    Hi Wink and everyone,

    I know the fear you feel.  I'm still under treatment and I worry about it not working and I wonder every little twinge I have.  Like the last week I have had pain under my arm, doctor assures me its from nerves from the surgery but still.....

    I read about some of the women who had A/C and it didn't work.  So I second guess my treatment and want a little of it all.  That sounds nuts doesn't it. 

    I guess what I'm saying is when you feel total lost or alone just remember your not.

    Teresa

  • HollyHopes
    HollyHopes Member Posts: 497
    edited February 2008

    Twink, Wink, Traci, Cindy, Cookie, Teresa, Lisa, BandTeacher...thank YOU for responding...it's not that I'm depressed (thank you Effexor!!)  every moment, but I think about cancer a lot now.  I know so many people now with cancer and I think about them a lot now.  Everyone is my life seems to think 'it's over - move on', but it doens't really feel over for me...at least now I know I'm not crazy.  Or, at least - not the only one who is crazy..

    Hugs.

  • jacqueline56551
    jacqueline56551 Member Posts: 48
    edited February 2008

    Hi Everyone: Thanks for your joke Cindy....I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. Reading everyones comments has made me feel normal. I finished treatment in October and everyone keeps asking me when I am going back to work. I am also told that I look great.  I tell everyone that I will go back to work when I feel strong again both emotionally and physically. I also tell them that despite looking great (I think they are being too kind) I am still very tired. My oncologist said that most people at my stage of post treatment are back to work part-time. I say kudos to them...I'm not ready.

    Thanks for making me feel normal everyone!!!!

    Jacqueline 

  • ravdeb
    ravdeb Member Posts: 3,116
    edited February 2008

    Jacqueline...not true. Everybody does what is good for them. Some people go back to work and move on quicker than others. I've been done with treatments since June 2006 and I'm not who I used to be. Energy level is down though I'm an avid walker until recently, and thoughts turn to cancer for every ache and pain. Just the latter makes me tired..all the tension from thinking that I may have mets.

    I am in a situation now where a previous condition prior to bc is back again or seemingly so, but yet I'm worried that it could be cancer related. Now I have TWO serious worries and not sure yet what is really the problem.

     I have sleepless nights.

    That's not to say that I haven't have NED thoughts as well. I'm NED and sometimes I feel NED. And then sometimes I don't!Tongue out

  • Sadie-Rose
    Sadie-Rose Member Posts: 222
    edited February 2008

    Hi Everyone,

    When I finished treatment I thought about cancer every day. It seemed like cancer stories were everywhere I went. There were advertisements on TV, entertainers high lighted on talk shows and news programs, posters around town and more. It seemed I couldn't get away from it. It was very intense, but time has taken the teeth out of it. It's hard to know at the end of treatment that you won't always have cancer be so up front in your life.

    For me every time a test and scan came back clear, I relaxed more. The clear tests allowed me to believe I my treatment worked. I thought it sort of felt like when a mother lets her child drive for the first time. The first time they take the car you worry the whole time they are gone. You are on guard and vigilant. Over time mom can relax a little and maybe she only worries if her child doesn't come home on time. She still wants to know they end the night safe and sound, but the intensity of worry goes down.

    I think it is like this for many of us after we finish treatment. We are vigilant because we have to be. We have a serious illness and we are alert to symptoms. At some point and I think it might have been around my two year anniversary, I got to where I didn't worry so much. I felt like we were watching so closely, that I could take a break in between scans.

    I went to my regular doctor this week because I had a funny raised bump on the back of my knee. My thoughts went to skin cancer so I wanted to check it out. I felt funny going in for such a little thing, but I would have been devastated if I had ignored it and it had been something serious. I shared my self consciousness about the appointment with my doctor. She was wonderful about it. She said it is human nature to be alert after a serious illness. She shared her own experience with a serious illness.

    I guess I just want to say, be gentle with your spirit and with the words you say to yourself. Sometimes we can add to our discomfort by beating ourselves up with the way we judge ourselves.

    It really does get better over time, but you are going through a very normal and necessary stage.

    Warmly,

    Sadie

  • Wink333
    Wink333 Member Posts: 143
    edited February 2008

    Dear Jacqueline, Holly, ravdeb,Sadie-Rose and all,

    Hey Jacqueline, I finished treatment in Oct. also and I understand how you feel. Holly, I still think about cancer a lot too. How can we not help but think about it. Most of us have a huge mastectomy scar, lumpectomy scar, or reconstructed breast.  Kind of hard to not be reminded of it every time we change clothes (or pull our bras back down like some preteen with a training bra). I take comfort in what our sisters like Sadie-Rose and ravdeb tell us. We will never be who we were pre-breast cancer but we will find our new "norm". If you are like me, I am very impatient and want to jump ahead and immediately get comfortable with who the new me is. I also want to know for sure that I will be NED 25+ years from now. I'm finding out there are no short cuts but we at least have each other and those more experienced to help us. 

    Thank you to all of you who post your doubts and worries here as that helps me not feel alone. Thank you to all of you who give us words of wisdom from you cancer experiences. 

    To all my sisters thru cancer, have a wonderful worry free day. 

    Wink

  • Curlylocks
    Curlylocks Member Posts: 1,060
    edited February 2008

    Holly my dear sister,

    I am a 2 1/2 year survivor and can tell you that some days this cancer business is really hard to deal with.  For me the emotional post cancer part of this journey is harder than it was going through treatment...

    Some days I get angry that I even have to worry about this blasted disease when all of my 40 something friends are so carefree about their health.  

    I am always quick to remind those that say that you have had cancer and its done and over with that our reality is--- there is no cure for breast cancer.  It really is my opportunity to raise awareness amongst all the women at work and others that are so ignorant of this disease!

    Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this that we are all in the same boat.  

    I try my hardest to not let the fear overtake my life but am honest with myself that some days that fear is overwhelming and I lean on my sisters here to get me through those days as they are truly the only ones that understand.

    <> 

    <>Your bc sister

    <>Michele 

  • slanderson
    slanderson Member Posts: 152
    edited February 2008

    Hi, Holly

    I am almost 3 years out.  It gets easier as time goes on, but what helps me let it go the most is the idea that worrying is working against me.  I truly feel that my cancer came about because of stress and not taking care of myself.  So stressing about a recurrence is not helping, right?  I have taken the que sera sera attitude.  Whatever will be, will be.  Worrying about it won't help  one bit, and might even hurt.

    Good Luck, SHannon

  • janekhaldy
    janekhaldy Member Posts: 33
    edited February 2008

    You know what? I couldn't agree with you any more!!!! My last chemo was Jan 25th and somehow I thought I would return to normal life. I am exhausted, depressed, anxious and you name it!!!

  • caaclark
    caaclark Member Posts: 936
    edited February 2008

    I am just a little over 2 years out and completely understand how you are feeling.  Like Michele, I feel like the aftermath is far worse than when I was going through active treatment.  I just started seeing a counselor and I think it is helping somewhat.  One of the things I have discovered is that while going through treatment many of us don't process the fear, anger, etc. so when treatment ends we have to deal with it or it keeps coming to the surface.  I have tried very hard to move on and burry those thoughts but I ended up sort of stuck.  Not sure if that makes sense. 

    Anyway, a support group did not do it for me.  Until I got hooked up with the therapist I am now seeing I really felt lost.

  • Shirlann
    Shirlann Member Posts: 3,302
    edited February 2008

    Well, ahem, even though it was off a cruise ship (cheap) I have been to Bora Bora, and I really hate to tell you all, it is better than you can imagine.  The water is SO WARM and the people are super friendly.  We only had one day but I just loved it.  Seems like maybe it is the way Hawaii was 40 years ago.

    I would love to stay in one of the huts over the water.  I think they are so wonderful (of course, with prices to match).

    Anyway, couldn't resist putting in my two cents.

    Hugs, Shirlann 

  • HollyHopes
    HollyHopes Member Posts: 497
    edited February 2008

    ...you all are so very lovely and kind and supportive and i am very grateful to know you...thank you for the TLC...

  • arnica
    arnica Member Posts: 33
    edited February 2008

    My onc asked me if I wanted an anti-depressant and I said not yet. Maybe I will later, but first I feel like I have to try to see what's happening with me and see if I can make any sense of it. Is that odd? I go from angry to excited that I'm "okay" to depressed, then angry again - a series of emotions that last a few weeks at a time.  The only thing I can tell so far is that however I'm feeling right now will probably change. When I said I didn't want medication yet, the onc told me to call the social worker, who told me to read a book called "Dancing in Limbo - making sense of life after cancer."  Just one of *many* books I've read to help me understand how we change after the diagnosis - and how our relationships with others change.  I've always been pretty satisfied to go to work and go home - I don't like to socialize and I don't have many "close" friends. Now I have days at a time when I can barely tolerate being around other people.  Now I understand that if I'm patient and don't berate myself, that passes, too.

    Here's a quote from a review about Dancing in Limbo:

    "I immediately wanted to recommAnd this book to my patients. [It] will serve as a roadmap to help cancer patients to anticipate feelings and stages of the coping process. It will help demystify the complex and often baffling set of experiences on the uncertain path of cancer survivorship."

    I made copious notes in the margins, a process that seems to help me define my own experience.

    I'm glad this message board is here. I turn to all of you often when I need to hear from my sisters on this common journey. Love to all of ya!

  • Traci-----TripNeg
    Traci-----TripNeg Member Posts: 2,298
    edited February 2008

    I got the shirt! I wore it out! I got comments everywhere. It was liberating. (I never thought I'd say that.)

    Cancer is my Bitch"

    One friend told me "Traci, that is some statement." Well, at least it gets the truth out so people don't wonder if I did this to my hair on purpose!!

    Hugs girls,

    Traci

  • sftfemme65
    sftfemme65 Member Posts: 790
    edited February 2008

    lol I got mine last week....I love it too.

    Teresa

  • Sadie-Rose
    Sadie-Rose Member Posts: 222
    edited February 2008

    Hi Arnica,

    I read your post and I remember the raw feelings you were describing. Our emotions can remind us that we aren't fully in control. When my treatment was finished I remember consciously trying to calm my anxiety.

    There were times when I could stay positive, use positive thoughts and get along pretty well. Then there were times all of that effort could disappear in an instant, especially if I thought about the odds of recurrence.

    One thing I found hard is I could battle this challenge bravely most of the time and yet if I shared a low moment with someone, they would think I wasn't keeping a positive attitude going. So I was caught in a double bind. If I shared my fears, those I loved worried I wasn't holding up well.

    For someone to see me through the eyes of weakness made me feel I wasn't giving the fight my all. I was always making an effort to present a positive front to my medical team. I wanted them to be glad to see me and I wanted them to feel a positive connection between us. Needless to say, I didn't find my emotional support with my façade up.

    I have found my best support here with my peers and it is such a relief. I hope you keep posting and sharing with us. It is so wonderful we have this place to share our real feelings.

    Warmly,

    Sadie

  • LisaSDCA
    LisaSDCA Member Posts: 2,230
    edited February 2008

    Hey - Traci and Teresa, I'm so glad you got your shirts! I wore mine when I went in for surgery last week. Wink Of course, I had to put on the stupid gown, but at least I marched into the hospital and into admitting wearing it!

    Oh, and Shirlann - next time you hear of a cheap cruise to the South Pacific, you'll be sure and let a sistah know, right?

    Lisa

  • Vonn
    Vonn Member Posts: 2
    edited February 2008

    Could Arnica or anyone tell me the author of the above book 'Dancing in Limbo'. I am in Australia & looked at my library but they don't have it but may order it if I could get the author. I feel like I need this book at the moment. This is my first message but I regularly "look", particularly triple neg.

  • Wendysmom
    Wendysmom Member Posts: 35
    edited February 2008

    Hi!

    I just ordered this book on Amazon.com.

    The author is Glenna Halvorson-Boyd.

    Ann 

  • Vonn
    Vonn Member Posts: 2
    edited February 2008

    Thank you Ann for the name of the author, I'm hoping this book will be helpful to my current state of mind.

    Vonn

  • 1techteach
    1techteach Member Posts: 2
    edited February 2008

    Thank you ladies I needed the laugh, I am ordering that shirt it is one I don't have.  I was given many shirts from Save the Ta Ta's, cancer sucks, to my fave I have chemo brain what's your excuse.  Humor is a great medicine, to all having adjustment issues, you have never been more normal, I tried going to yoga class that had meditation emphasis, and as the instructor was getting us to to "let go" she said hand over your troubles, I had mental thought OK here lady you hold this damn breast cancer and I will be back for it in say oh 50 years and of course this sent me into a fit of uncontrollable giggles, I had to leave and I could not understand why they were giving me such crazy looks over the giggles till I got in car and caught glimpse of myself, scarf askew with pointy shape at top and pooching out on right side, 2inch hair sticking straight up and peeking out the left side.  Well I was still giggling from before now I was full out laughing, I wet my brand new $40.00 yoga pants.  Damn felt good the laughing and the wet pants.  Keep persevering don't let the %$#@ win.

      Leslie

  • luckymel
    luckymel Member Posts: 643
    edited March 2008

    This thread seems made to order for me.  I finished treatment in September, except for my reconstruction which is coming up soon.  I sailed through treatment, for the most part - even when I was diagnosed, I wasn't even that upset.  I had a good attitude, didn't feel sorry for myself, wasn't scared...blah blah blah.  Then it was over, and it has been downhill ever since!  I am depressed, sad, positive I'm going to have a recurrence, feel guilty for expressing any of the above feelings.  I don't feel well, because of side effects from chemo layered on top of some preexisting conditions.  I'm exhausted, and hopeless.  People who haven't "been there" think it's over.  For me it seems to be just starting.  I truly wish none of us felt this way, but it does help some to know there are others who understand.

  • LisaSDCA
    LisaSDCA Member Posts: 2,230
    edited March 2008

    Mel, don't ever feel guilty for expressing those feelings here. Chemo is certainly 'the gift that keeps on giving' and we're finding that out the hard way. Exhaustion makes it extra tough to feel 'up' and positive. Maybe you will get a rest with your reconstruction if Bora Bora is out of the question? Wink

    hugs,

    Lisa

  • Shirlann
    Shirlann Member Posts: 3,302
    edited March 2008

    Hi sisters, everyone must realize that we all, to one degree or another, suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

    It is typical that this comes to us AFTER treatment.  When you think you should be okay.  Think of the vets, here they are, home from the war, why are they depressed?  They made it, didn't they?  What gives?

    Well, it is not that simple.  Your mind will decide in its own time when it will let you off the hook for scaring it silly.  Or, if you are sick and tired of all this, try anti-deps.  They are a Godsend.

    So before you ruin every relationship you have, take heart, understand what you have been through, and give yourself a break.

    Gentle hugs, Shirlann

  • jacqueline56551
    jacqueline56551 Member Posts: 48
    edited March 2008

    Rav/Deb; Thanks for your support; sorry it took me so long to reply. Jacqueline

  • jacqueline56551
    jacqueline56551 Member Posts: 48
    edited March 2008

    M/N: Thanks for your support. Jacqueline

  • jacqueline56551
    jacqueline56551 Member Posts: 48
    edited March 2008

    Thanks Michelle....Jacqueline

  • jacqueline56551
    jacqueline56551 Member Posts: 48
    edited March 2008

    CAAClark; I agree with your comments; I think it is imperative to ones mental health to process any worries or anxieties. 

    Jacqueline 

  • jacqueline56551
    jacqueline56551 Member Posts: 48
    edited March 2008

    Arnica: Thanks for recommending the book....it sounds exactly like what I've been looking for. I too go through various moods and am quiet content to spend time by myself. As a matter of fact I quiet enjoy solitude.

    Thanks Jacqueline 

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