can't seem to 'move on'

HollyHopes

can't seem to 'move on'

HollyHopes

Greetings dear ladies,

You all seem so positive, so forward moving and thinking...and yet - I feel stuck and terrified and worrying everyday that the next shoe will drop and I will have a recurrence or another primary...I AM taking antidepressants, don't really feel depressed, just worried and alone and o so freaked out...anyone else out there with me??

Traci-----TripNeg

I'm right there with you Holly. I feel exactly the same way.

I've made friends become non-friends because I am ever refusing "nights out". I haven't talked to one of my best friends in months because I lost it on her after her 1 billonth request for me to go to the pool....while I was mid chemo...bald, fat, sick...blah, blah blah.. I lost it. I screamed the above and said "please, I'm begging you, don't ask me go to the pool again!"

I too am waiting for the other shoe to drop. People say "attitude is everything".....yea, right. When you get the kind of cancer I got, at the stage I got....attitude ....nevermind.

I'm still in shock. Can I please get a chance to grieve for my "rare" breast cancer? Please????? Can I just get a chance to have some fear? Freak out a little? Be out of touch? Please...I'm begging for some space.

No, I'm not o.k. No, I'm not handling it well. No, MY HAIR DOES'NT LOOK AWESOME SHORT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear to God...........every time somebody says my hair looks "cute" I have to fight back the rage.

Yes, I am on anti-depressants. Obviously, I forgot mine today.

Hugs, Traci

Anonymous

Dear HH,

Oh dear sister, this is tough, isn't it? 

All the sisters ahead of us on this journey will all assure you (and I!) that it gets easier with each and every day.  

I'm only 2.5 years out of dx., and I can proudly say that while I've had no recurrences, I have certainly (this is the "proud" part) had my shares of extra bone scans, testing, doctor appointments all in reference to my body and the aches and pains I feel.  

We need to be so proactive with our bodies now, and not reactive.  We need to be so in tuned with our bodies, and know if that funny ache is there because we fell on the ice, or if it is something to worry about. 

That can be so annyoing and frustrating, because our friends don't have to think about that and worry.  I like BethNY's saying.  Instead of saying, "Why me," she says, "Why NOT me?"  That is just such a calming statement in my mind.  

So, there will be days when all you think of is, "Is it back?!?!"  And there will be days when you actually don't even think of cancer.  

Just remember to relish every single moment, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.  It may not even be cancer.  It might be that you get hit by a bus. 

Our eternal life is not our will, it is God's.  Our plan is not ours, but God's.   Keep it all in His hands, and you will feel safe. 

Love and prayers, Deb

Anonymous

Ha ha, Traci, I loved your last line.  So true, so very true!  If I go nutso on my hubby, he often says, "Is your Lexapro working?!" 

LisaSDCA

Yeah, right - anti-depressants. I'm on what, my fourth combination and my third or fourth increase in dose of this combo. It's like taking sugar pills. What should I expect the drugs to do? I'm not depressed. I'm just facing facts. Just like you, my two dear friends, Holly and Traci. ha - and Traci - I'm now beyond that point of everybody saying what a shapely head I have and how stunning I am with short hair. Now I wake up every morning looking like Dennis the Menace, I swear - or one of the Li'l Rascals.

I'm grateful - really I am. This time last year I thought I was Stage IV, for sure. [Well, they've never even done a single full body scan, so who knows] But anyway - I've lived longer than any woman in my paternal line in 200+ years so I oughta feel good, right? Instead, I've spent my way through 30k of hard-won savings, lost my career to Taxotere neuropathy, maybe doomed my beloved daughter and unborn grandchildren. . . So yeah, every once in a while my perpetual positivity slips.

Y'all aren't alone. We're lots of us just putting one foot in front of the other. {{{hugs}}}

Lisa

who still thinks we need a Rx for the Bora Bora treatment - six weeks in the South Pacific, wide open sandy beaches, warm healing waters, half-naked houseboys bringing us tropical drinks...

LisaSDCA

Deb - you can also be "proud" of the 2.5 years out with no recurrence when you're a triple neg., IMHO, dear!

Lisa

Traci-----TripNeg

Lisa....I'm all over your footnote!!!!!count me in!!! Six weeks on the beach? Houseboys? Yea.....I'm there. LOL!
But seriously..can you make that happen?????????????

Anonymous

Lisa-do I sound like a Susie Sunshine?  Oh dear, cuz I certainly am not........

By the way, a vast majority of my wardrobe consists of t-shirts I have made that say things like CANCER SUCKS, or CANCER SUCKED BUT I SURVIVED, or CANCER SUCKED BUT IT'S FINALLY OVER.  I also have one that says, "I MIGHT DIE, BUT NOT WHILE I AM LIVING" because I HATE those mournful and melancholy smiles people gave me in the beginning.  They'd go, "ooooh, how are yoouuuuu....????"  in that droning "I feel sorry for you" kind of voice.  

I wanted people to know that I did NOT intend on letting cancer run or TAKE my life.   

My big goal is to help teach the world to talk about the CANCER.   I HATED people NOT talking about it.  What, are they going to remind me I have it?!?! 

I also agree on the short hair comments.   "Your hair is so....smart now!   What the he** is that supposed to mean!??!

I need to scan and post a most hilarious shot of my chemo-bed-head I found from vacation last February.  That would have been 9 months out of dx., and my hair was short and nappy and curly.   Maybe we can all post our really bad chemo-hair pics.   That should make us feel a little better!  

Anonymous

Traci-your avatar makes you look like a model.  That makes me want to hate you (don't get me wrong, in a good way).   Have you always been so stinkin' photogenic?!?! 

Anonymous

Oh, thank you, Lisa!  

I was worried you thought I was just some dork spoutin' sunshine.  

LisaSDCA

I've actually had an MD say he'll write it, but he can't help me with the insurance coverage.  

Well, it is a step in the right direction.

You know - I figure it would, in the long run, be a money-saver for the insurance co. Eliminate expensive long-term psychological counseling. Eliminate useless medication. Eliminate MD visits to prescribe said meds. Eliminate MD visits to treat side effects of said meds. Eliminate unnecessary scans due to pain from stress. Eliminate physical therapy for stress-related pain and dysfunction. Eliminate lost wages due to all of the above.

Instead:the Bora Bora treatment!

I'll let you know if I make any progress. I've been promoting the idea for years.

Lisa

LisaSDCA

Deb, no worries. You are my sister!

Btw - I have a t-shirt I have not seen on anyone else. It says, in big letters right across my DIEP D-cups

CANCER IS MY BITCH!

I have to be careful where I wear it.

Lisa

Anonymous

Oh, I FREAKIN' LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     

I'm totally going to steal that, if that is OK!   

Traci-----TripNeg

LMAO!!!!!!! Lisa...that was hilarious!!!

Bandteacher, thank you so much for the compliment. You should know that avatar is by far the best pic ever taken of me. I think they put pantyhose over the camera. I don't look anything like that in real life. Seriously. Part of my probs of "moving on" is ...... I never had self confidence to begin with...Now, I've got scars for breasts and scars for a stomach!!!! But, I'm good!! Life is good!

Hugs, Traci

HollyHopes

i love you all so much....thank you, thank you, thank you...you are the ONLY ones who 'get' this...i smile, i go to work, i call friends, i go to church, i f**k my boyfriend when he wants it and i feel a bit dead inside...what happened to the fun, funny, life-loving me??  is she still there? will she come back?  do i even care??

blessings on all of us...i want a t-shirt too!!

xoxox

HH

LisaSDCA

Get the shirt!

http://www.cancerismybitch.com/buy-the-shirt/

It's good cancer-folk, too - not exploitation.

Lisa

Gorilla12

Hi Everyone,

It took me a full year to feel better after diagnosis in 7/05. During the year I just sucked it up with work, kids, family etc..Then the summer of 2006 I finally gave myself permission to deal with it and I did feel better. I am 2-1/2 yrs. out now and am looking forward to this summer. It is cold here in Chicago and I'm sick of it! My next mammogram is in Sept. '08 when I will be officially 3 yrs. out which is a great thing for us triple negs. It is hard to not feel sad about bc but after about a year it seemed to get better.

Anonymous

HH-it is going to suck, and about the f***ing your bf and feeling dead inside, have you checked out the "Mojo" thread?  If not, I strongly urge you to go there.  It is a great place full of ideas and insight about bringing back the mojo in your life.  

It's really helped me, because my boobs were a huge part of my sex-life.  When I lost those, I lost the will.  I had sex with my dh, but cringed through most of it-especially when he went for my "foobs" (fake boobs).   He has/had no way of knowing where the spots are that have sensation, so how can I blame him for trying?  

Love and prayers, Deb

Gorilla-congrats on nearing your 3 year!   Woo-hoo!!! 

HollyHopes

you all rock so much...i feel pretty low today...and very sad for myself that i have to keep 'checking in' here...shouldn't i 'move on' as everyone else seems to think...

i'm not feeling crazy... the last year of dealing with dx and tx left me little time or energy for anything except to 'get through it all'...now i feel depleted...why aren't i dancing for joy at being alive??

Anonymous

Because, dear HH,

YOU ARE HUMAN. 

Just because you have been through a life-threatening disease and come out on the other side, doesn't mean that you will see life as rosy rays of sunshine every day. 

It's almost easier in a sick sense of the word to go through crap like this, because you have a huge support network.  Everyone wants to pitch in and do their share, because you are the project. 

But when dx. and tx. are over, where is everyone when you have a stack of bills to file, and groceries to get and laundry to fold? 

You are human-give yourself a break, because you HAVE to have these days to get back on your feet again.  

Love and prayers, Deb

sftfemme65

Those shirts are awesome....I ordered 2.

Teresa

twink

I'm with Lisa... half-naked houseboys would make me feel a lot better than my current antidepressant medication.

I'll be back to read through your posts but had to comment on Lisa's.

twink

Oh Holly... ((Holly)).. I feel for you.  I feel the same much of the time.  It's too depressing to even write about how low and hopeless I feel.  Instead, I put on my happy face and keep on sluggin' through... waiting for the magic milestone that makes me start to feel normal again.  Bora Bora might be my only hope.

CookieOkie

Band Teacher:

I was so happy to see your posting, especially the part "... people not talking about it." I dreaded that so when I was diagnosed - I feel this is one thing everyone should be talking about. So, when I was diagnosed, I sent out a mass e-mail to all my family and friends. I told them this is no secret and I wanted to share with them what I was going through, feeling and wanted them to know every step of the way including the research. By doing this I hope that if any of them have to go through this they'll know something about it, and will know where to start and know that I'm here for them. Especially being triple negative, my family needs to know what is going on.

Cookie

HollyHopes

...Bora Bora here I come...hey, where the hell IS Bora Bora anyway??

ocinny414

Bora Bora sounds awsome.

Twink I'm with you on putting on the happy face.  I feel I have to be a support for everyone.  If I break down they might as well and I just couldnt take that.

Cookie I also have an email group that I send all my info out to.  It's a great way to communicate with everyone so they all get the same info at the same time.

I am a happy person for the most part, but I do have my days when I want to just say screw it. 

Hey i got an email about a new drug called fukitall. LOL Depressed? Over Worked? Job suck? Unappreciated? Family Problems? Money worries?  I'll add Health issues? Well here is a pill for you! FUKITOL  1000MG  When life just Blows.....FUKITOL   LOL  sorry if this offeded anyone. 

 maybe some of that and a trip to Bora Bora is all we all need.  LOL

CindyKS

twink

Cindy,

I need that drug!

I read your blog.. thank you for sharing.  You've had a tough road this past year.  I hope it turns around for you and you have good news to share with us. 

  (((Cindy)))

t

Wink333

Hello everyone,

Hope you don't mind me joining this thread. You are who I have been looking for! Finished treat. in Oct and now am LOST! Think I didn't have enough treat and can't get past this and on with life. Think we could stay in Bora Bora(I'm like HollyH, where is Bora Bora)  for an extended..........vacation, say about the magic 3-5 years. I'm all for anything that will help me forget why I have this scar and am too tired to walk with my dh or help the kids with homework. HELP!

To Sisters in Need,

Wink

Traci-----TripNeg

CindyKS!!!!!!!

You made me joke on my drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LMAO!! Oh man....that was funny!

Hi Twink!!

I ordered the shirt too!

LOVE IT!!!

; - )

ps fukitol.....lol!!!!!!!!!!

Traci-----TripNeg

ps...That website was cool. The guy says "You can have the shirt in any color you want as long as it's black." LOL!!!