Dear Abby. mad about to todays column

Oh, I should have added:  If this was really her FRIEND, she would have been glad she was alive and that she had the PRIVILEGE to take care of her and show her how much she loved her by doing those things.

I bet that woman with cancer would be appalled to think her friend expects a gift.  And now that Dear Abby has sided with her, this is vindication for her thoughts!!!!!!!!!  

Thanks Janice! 

I'm shocked by Abbie's answer, calling her an ingrate.  The only thing I may have done differently was invited everyone to my place and made spagetti something inexpensive to say thank you, with my nature I would never have invited them to a restarant unless I could afford to pay, but that just me.  But the friend sure sounded petty about a lot of things and buying a bed is expensive if she really didn't want to sleep on the lumpy couch she could have bought a blow up bed, and as far as her being picky, I rather doubt that. I know when I was having chemo I terrified of germs why don't people think of those things. Sounds like the friend helped to be a martyer (spelled word wrong) she sure didn't help out of the goodness of her heart.Pearl49

I think the woman might have paid for dinner if it was really her thanking her friends for helping her out.

If I received an invite to a "thank-you" dinner after I'd been part of a team helping someone out like that I might expect the host would pay.

It's not safe to generalize about this because you don't know the particulars of the group of friends.  Most of them could always go dutch, and this particular gal just wasn't part of that group so she had a different expectation.

If the Deacons at church help out usually all that's done is a letter of thanks sent to the newsletter, and then when someone else needs help you volunteer for them.

Probably if you have a big group like that helping and you aren't able to foot the bill for dinner or having them over then you should write thank-you notes and skip the dinner. Creating the expectation that you're treating and then not doing it would leave a worse after effect than just a heartfelt thanks. 

Totally agree with Donna and Rose. Assuming the letter writer has not exaggerated, then I agree with Abby.  If you can't afford to give a dinner, don't issue invitations and then ask those that you are thanking to pay--what kind of thanks is that?  Perhaps neither of these women understand the nature of friendship and its obligations? 

Don't rip me apart girls (lol), but I somewhat agree with Abby. I was taught to say thank you at an early age and I believe in the saying "you get more bees with honey". I have a tendancy to only want to do things for people who are greatful and appreciative. The only way to know if someone appreciates and realizes your efforts or sacrifices, is by them simply saying the words "thank you" (doesn't cost anything) or by doing something to show how greatful and appreciative they are. Seems to me that the woman with ca, never showed appreciation or said "thank you".  And because of this, the writer is left to think that she isn't greatful or appreciative. If she had constantly or even ocassionally thanked her caregivers and told them how much she appreciated their help, I don't think the writer would have thought twice about paying for her own dinner and she wouldn't be feeling "used up".  JMO...

I am sorry but I do not agree with you. Yes, this was a woman who needed help, but I think she was TOTALLY out of line to not pay for the dinner. I am not sure why you are so upset. Am I missing something? Anyway, I would have been appalled at her if I been one of the "friends" cancer or not.



Anne

Did the "friend" really have to put this in a NEWSPAPER and air it all out?  Geez...if she's that aggrevated, maybe just so no to the woman next time.

My 2 cents worth..........

Wow!  The woman with cancer was able to organize all that help from neighbors, co-workers and friends!  They cleaned, spent the night and ran errands.  Obviously the lady with cancer (we don't know what kind or her age) did not have a husband or children at home.  It also sounds like some of her friends weren't really friends at all, but might have been "guilted" into helping.

I had no help.  My sis did go with me when I got the dx and then to the first rad onc appt. to meet the doctor.  She then had a serious injury and I was on my own after that. Just like Gina ... no help at all and I ended up caring for my sis 1 1/2 hours away during my tx. 

I made my sis a gift basket for her support.  When I felt better I also took her to lunch to cheer her up when she could walk again.  I paid.  Because of my manners and upbringing, had I organized and had all that help, I definitely would have paid for all the ladies lunches had I invited them to a "thank you" lunch.  Or since I'm broke, I would have sent them thank you notes and a homemade gift.   

Of course, knowing only one side of the issue, it's hard to really be objective.  But the woman with cancer sure had a lot of people helping her out.  Seems like a really weird dynamic they all had going.

For most of us who had family and loved ones helping ... I sincerely doubt very much they want anything from us, but to get better and be with us forever.  I believe any help we received was from love with no strings attached.

Just my take on it.

love,

Bren

Gee, I see how complicated things can get!  I would never invite my friends to a Thank You dinner, and then ask them to pay for their meal... bad manners!  But, I did notice that the person who wrote that letter had a tone, and seemed to complain a lot.  I certainly would hate to think that if my friend stayed at my house to help me while I was getting treatments, she would complain because my bed isn't comfortable!! 

The woman had cancer, and she can't be expected to set up a bed for her friend... she's weak, tired, and sick from the chemo!! 

If they really were friends, I think they would understand...

Harley

Anne asked, I am not sure why you are so upset. Am I missing something?

I agree with Anne.  If you do a favor for a friend, say help her find a job, and she invites you to lunch to thank you, you'd be put out if at the end of the lunch she handed you the bill, or your portion of the bill, and in particular if you weren't told of it in advance so you could decide not to accept.

Who can know if everything the letter writer says is true, certainly Abby can't.  Like us, she has only the information she's given and her reply is based on that information so it's impossible with respect to this letter or any other "Dear Abby" letter to look at all sides of the story. Based on this letter, Abby concluded that the woman is an ingrate. She's not referring to any of us.  Most women are not ingrates (BC or no BC), but some are, and getting BC doesn't mean that the "some" are no longer ingrates.   

I was particularly struck by Bren's post, which seems so right to me, and I appreciated its lovely last paragraph. Like Bren, I didn't ask for help, as I had a wonderful husband helping me every day.  But he had to leave the country for the five weeks that I was in radiation to visit his sick mother, so I muddled through.  I know if I had asked friends for help, I would have gotten it, but I didn't feel I needed it.  To have so many friends sleeping over, cleaning, taking her to appointments does seem strange.  The tone of the writer leads me to think that she resented the help she gave, which also leads me to think it might have been solicited rather than offered freely.    

NNN:  You did far more than invite people to lunch. I can't think of a nicer thank you than to receive a gift that was handmade, and it's a lot more work too. 

Wouldn't it be great if we knew the WHOLE story.  However, the way this woman wrote it seemed like the woman needing help was asking dropping hints that she needed people around.

My dh did the most for me.  I had a little over a two hour trip for my treatments and visits with the onc.  Another friend went with me for some tests and other appointments.  And this dear friend looked after my sweet dog (and cat) who we later had to put to sleep.  Another friend would bring dinner over once a week.  When dh had to go out of town to work two of my daughters came and stayed with me (Mom's a big baby...LOL).  And, people called and offered help such as driving me to Duke.  I never asked for help (well, except from my friend who I felt very close to..who took care of my dear dog). 

There is no way I could have ever payed them back for what they did for me --- NO WAY.  Just knowing they cared...even family members who didn't/couldn't help...they cared.  I did take my friends out to lunch.  That was nothing compared what they did for me.

I do believe this woman should have paid for dinner if SHE was taking her "friends" out to dinner to say THANK YOU.  Still, it would be nice to know ALL the story.

Nicki, what you did was very thoughtful.  I would much rather have something that was made for me than a dinner.  However, I certainly wouldn't expect it.

I do think that we who have been through cancer, or any other life threatening disease, or any chronic illness, have an understanding of what giving help SELFLESSLY is.

Shirley   

I'm sure I'm the minority, but I think if she invited everyone to dinner as "a thank you," she should've paid. 

My interpretation of the letter is that's the only question and the "friend" isn't questioning her appreciation of all the help she received. I do think Abby was way off in calling the woman an "ingrate." Just because she doesn't have class doesn't mean she's not grateful.

Erica

I, too, read Dear Abby and was perturbed by the word "ingrate".  As each of us knows well, asking for help during treatment/recovery is/was difficult.  We are used to being caregivers, not takers.   I wrote thank you letters, made homemade candy and gave tons of hugs.  I KNOW that I can NEVER repay these wonderful friends for the precious gifts of time and care. 

I think that my feathers were ruffled because a little part of me fears that someone out there might think that I did not fully appreciate the efforts given on behalf of my DH and self.  To a certain extent we can all understand the view of the writer because the precious gifts of time and assistance do deserve a sincere thank you.

However, just because the woman made a major faux pas, no one should assume that she is not grateful for her care.  Because then we judge without all the facts (the 3rd side of the story) 

Actually, it looks like the majority of us would not invite people to a "thank you" dinner and then expect them to pay!

I am so paycheck-to-paycheck that there's no way I could throw a $250 thank you party -- AND there's no way I wouldn't feel burned (and be in financial trouble!) if I'd accepted an invitation to a thank-you party and then discovered at the end that I owed $10, $15, $20, $25....!

Nickie, the handmade presents were so nice of you!

(both the letter-writer and the woman she's writing about don't sound so very friendly -- as many have said, the real story is probably somewhere in the middle)