Dear Abby. mad about to todays column

Hanna60978

To all people who complain about the way a woman with breast cancer handles herself, her family, her life - to all people who criticize a woman with breast cancer who doesn't measure up in their family's, their spouses, their "friends", their co-workers eyes - to all people and institutions who begrudge a woman with cancer time spent caring for them, helping them with huge financial needs, helping them with their children, helping them to and from tests or treatments -- to those who resent her for her needs or the way she thanks you for your help, I say to them all, "Would you like to trade your life for hers?" 

As a woman with breast cancer who knows other women with breast cancer, I speak for us all when I say we loathe to use "the breast cancer card", we don't want a pity-party, we hate feeling dependent, we SO MUCH want to be our usual competent selves - and sometimes, because we can't, we feel badly. We do appreciate you so much when you offer a listening ear and optimism during the times we need to talk or feel afraid.  

Many of us turn to each other in forums like these because we know we may not appear in top-notch celebrity form for you at all times.  But we very much wish we could.

Some days we cry, some days we have more optimism.  Often, we feel a fear nipping at our heels that follows us around.   

So the next time a person with cancer asks for your help as you stand there hail and hearty - please understand that our asking for help comes from a very vulnerable place within us.  I'm sorry if a woman you helped did not outwardly show you her full appreciation or reward you in the way you'd have liked her to.  I hope you will reward yourself by knowing you did the right thing by giving to a person in need. I thank you for helping her. I really do.

One in 7 or 8 women are expected to experience breast cancer at some point in their lifetime. We so much appreciate your help if it is given honestly and without expectations.   

We don't want breast cancer and you do not have breast cancer.   Hopefully, you won't ever.      

But if you ever should become one of us, then come to us, because we will know how to help you through.  ~ Hanna  

    

Anonymous

"DEAR ABBY: A friend was diagnosed with cancer. A single woman living alone, she rallied a group of co-workers, friends and neighbors to donate their time to help her with a variety of tasks."

It appears that this woman was very organized indeed.  Obviously not all of the people who helped her were a "true" friend.  The person who wrote this letter possibly wasn't a true friend.  However, I do believe that she should have paid for the dinner.  She must have had a crowd in order to have a $250 dinner.  After all, the writer said it was an inexpensive restaurant.  A cheap restaurant probably wouldn't be much more than $12 a piece.  That adds up to $144 for 12 people.  Unless they sat around drinking mixed drinks. 

SandyAust

Well as an ignorant Aussie I am just impressed to find out that there REALLY is a column called Dear Abbie in 2008 and that people actually read it. LOL

Janis, you have so much to think about with three little kids, just shake your head and turn the page.

KariLyn, please don't worry about letting people help you.  I honestly think you are "giving" them something by letting them help.  They obviously care about you and deep down being able to "do something" would be warming their hearts. 

One of the most touching moments during my chemo was when a friend dropped around a bottle of orange juice with a touch of ruby grapefruit that she had squeezed from her own fruit. I was so grateful because I found it difficult to drink at all because everything tasted awful except juice.  She beamed from ear to ear when I took the juice and said "Thank you so much!"

Take care,

Sandy

ravdeb

Sandy..I love your post.

I was upset with the word, "ingrate". That crossed the line. When somebody has been going through cancer treatments, she shouldn't be the one to set up beds for guests. She asked them to be with her but she wasn't hosting them. They were helping her.

I do agree that if she invited them to dinner, then she should pay. I just wonder if she invited them as a dinner get together and they assumed that she invited them as her guest. And, if they are really friends of hers, it shouldn't matter if in the end, she was not paying and they needed to each pay. Big deal. If she were my friend, I doubt I'd make such a big deal about it that I would write a letter to Abby.

Anonymous

If this lady couldn't afford to pay for the dinner then she shouldn't have invited them.  Sometimes, the KISS (keep it simple silly) principle works really well.  I think everyone would have been happy if she had just sent them each a 'thank you' card.  People who helps others don't need or usually want things that cost money, they just want to know that their effort was appreciated.  A simple 'thank you' is all that is needed most times.

Hanna60978

Since we heard about the letter written by a disgruntled caregiver, the first thing I thought was we are hearing someone complain about the time she donated to a woman with cancer. She didn't say anyone else complained.

We know the woman had cancer and we know many people helped her.  When she felt ready, she invited or somehow asked if they could have dinner together.  "Used up" presumed the woman with cancer was treating them.  It is highly possible that the woman may have planned on paying for everyone, or she may have just wanted them all to be together for a meal. We only know "used up" felt...used. 

She was able to recount practically each and every detail of the time donated by many people to assist the woman with cancer from the lumpy couch to the cat box to diagnosing the woman with OCD.  "Used up" never said just how much she personally contributed to this cause - but said it was the effort of many people who rallied to help a person undergoing cancer treatment. She appears to have kept a tally sheet!  This is a sign her heart wasn't in it. She seems short on compassion yet unable to say no. It seems there is more to the dynamics between "used up" and the person with cancer than we know. We also know the woman with cancer had no one else in her life - no husband or family so she may have felt closer to her co-workers than "used up" felt toward her.

I am speculating only because "used up" does not sound like a very nice person in my opinion - definitely not someone I would ever want to help me because I would never feel I had thanked her to the level of her expectations. 

As is being said here in this thread over and over again - if the unhappy caregiver ever has the chance to help another person in need again, go into it with only the desire to help in your heart with no expectation of a reward except the knowledge that by helping someone, you have done the right thing.  A wonderful thing. And forget about the money it cost her for that inexpensive dinner - she was invited out to socialize with a group of people, ate well, and hopefully had a good time, up until the check arrived!  In the grand scheme of things - the personal appreciation she may grow to feel for having helped the lady with cancer will - I hope - delegate the money spent for dinner to a mere blip on the radar.

~ Hanna   

NoH8

I have to agree with the friend and Abby on this one. I don't think the writer was concerned about the money, just what she perceived as the lack of appreciation. The cancer patient sounds like she was inconsiderate to her friends when they were helping her and I don't believe that breast cancer gives people a license to act that way, no matter how sick. The writer donated sick days which are of a monetary dollar and her own time and effort and seemed to expect nothing more than the equality of appreciation from her on the mend friend.

Cancer effects more than just the person who has it- it effects friends and family too.

Anonymous

HannaB, I hope you sent that beautiful post (on page 1 of this thread) to Dear Abby!  It's awesome.

shokk

I think first of all that is not going to be the complete letter that was written to "Dear Abbey".........they have people that take these letters and revise them to fit into the column space......so Abbey's daughter has insight that we don't have.....by the way the letter is written I take it that this person is a coworker.....she listed co-workers first when describing whom was helping this lady......I have a feeling this person was drafted and probably didn't want to help as much as required by their boss.........also I have a feeling that the cancer lady is probably a micro manager especially if she really does have ocd........people like this do make really good employees but to have them on a personal level is usually really tough......the tendency to micromanage is usually a personality treat that cannot be switched off when you leave the office......you are usually telling family, friends, and all people you come into contact with what to do and how to do it...........as far as the people that were invited to lunch at an inexpensive restuarant (coworker that makes less money then cancer lady) should have never been asked to pay for their own lunch regardless........even if people sitting closer to her had made that offer.........so even though I don't read Dear Abby or even take my local paper I must admit that the Psychology of Disease is an interesting read...........Shokk

Hanna60978

Oh Rocktobermom so I'm sorry, but I shortened my first post because I realized it was too long!  Some of it is still there though on page one of this thread. 

I just entered another one because we don't know the other side of this story.  We've only heard from the woman who wrote to Dear Abby and the word "ingrate" grates on my mind!  IMHO - something is amiss.  Generally, people with cancer are very, very grateful to their helpers!  Some people are outgoing, some very shy.  Sometimes shy people are misunderstood and the woman with cancer from the Dear Abby letter had no husband or family so I'm thinking her entire network were her co-workers. She may have felt far more emotion for them than they realized.   It appears the woman tried to show her appreciation the best way she knew, but the "used up" woman was just not up to the task of giving.  Caregiving is tough and cancer is tough.   ~ Hanna 

P.S.~ Thank you for your nice words about my first post on page 1.  Sometimes the first answer is the best answer! 

hooptiedoo

Just because someone gets cancer doesn't automatically make them a saint. At least it didn't in my case!

And just because someone helps someone in need doesn't make them a saint, either. We are all still human beings with faults, who make mistakes.

Asking people to a dinner and then asking them to pay for it is poor etiquette, no matter what tha situation is. If the woman couldn't afford to pay for it all, she shouldn't have done it at all!!!

Put a thank you ad in the local newspaper, write a letter of thanks in the company newsletter, there are lots of ways to thank people that take little or no money.

Or just simply and sincerely thank everyone at the time they help. Most people help out of love and concern, and expect no reward at all.

Medical bills forced my husband and I to file bankruptcy.  Being asked to dinner and then surprised with the bill would have been a real hardship for us at one point.

Anonymous

"DEAR ABBY: A friend was diagnosed with cancer. A single woman living alone, she rallied a group of co-workers, friends and neighbors to donate their time to help her with a variety of tasks. These included driving her back and forth to chemo and doctor appointments, fixing meals, cleaning her house (she has OCD and was super-picky about every detail -- including cleaning the cat box), sleeping over to make sure she was OK (we had only a lumpy couch because she refused to set up a bed in one of her two vacant bedrooms!) and handling a variety of other tasks."

Nowhere in this paragraph or in the article does it say she had breast cancer.  It's funny how we who have had this disease think BREAST CANCER.  Not that it matters what kind of cancer she had.  Seems each of us can see things or remember things the way we want.  Just like the article. 

We really do not know the entire truth.  However, let's say it happened just like the angry woman said.  Let's say you really thought you were being treated to dinner by this cancer survivor who supposedly made a good income, and then you were advised that you were paying for your own dinner...how would you feel?  Obviously it wasn't THEIR idea to have a "thank you" dinner.

It would have been lovely if the people who helped her had taken her out for a "happy-done-with-chemo" dinner.  We don't know the personality of the cancer survivor.  Perhaps she was "bossy."  So, IMO it really depends on lots of things.  And if we take to heart what the writer of the article said, then it seems like the cancer survivor was sort of expected the kind of help she wanted. 

I believe we here on this board would take ANY help and be thankful FOR any help we received...not matter how small or big.

carolsd

Hanna, that was beautiful. You have a way with words. You really summed it all up exactly. Thank you.

Harley44

You know, I also had a celebration when I finished chemo...  I even invited some friends from the coffee shop where we meet most mornings.  Everyone paid for their own dinner.  They all pitched in and gave me a card, with a gift card for my favorite restaurant.  I ordered a bottle of champagne, to celebrate my last tx.  I shared the champagne with everyone, but some people declined.  I think that everyone had a good time, and I don't think anyone thought I was paying for the meal. 

BTW, these were friends, and they supported me through my bc tx.  I also invited some friends who helped me, drove me to my first chemo, went with me to dr. appts., and that sort of thing.  My dh and I paid for the meal. 

I guess you can do BOTH... 

Harley

Hanna60978

Carolsd, Thank you for your kind words for my post on page one.  The first post was from my heart but I edited most of it because it was too long.  If anyone happened to print it before I edited, please feel free to send it to Dear Abby if you'd like because I didn't save it.

By the way, your picture is beautiful!