Post-surgery depressive and anxious symptoms

Hi Celeste!

I am 65 years old, not a psychotherapist but I have always been the person everyone goes to for advice and for the most part I have helped more people than I can count. That said, I was completely blindsided when I couldn't help myself when I went through breast cancer the first time, in 2003.

To sum up my experience “what could go wrong, did!" I carried a lot of anger and depression with me for about six years following treatment. ( surgery, chemo, radiation)

When I received the news in December that I had ILC, I literally went into shock. I had a very difficult time because after 15 1/2 years I was sure I was cured! I ended up with large wounds on my reconstructed breast because I had been burned badly by the radiation therapy in 2003.

I knew I needed mental support so I spoke up and had a wonderful social worker at the cancer hospital I go to for treatment who helped me get through the surgery and recovery. It took seven months for my wounds to stop bleeding.

I thought I was fine mentally/emotionally but I am not. I am actually seeing the social worker before an appointment I have with one of my doctors on Wednesday.

When I read what you wrote, I saw myself, minus the “being a psychotherapist and the young children!” It is so hard when you know you need help, know what you need to do, (in my case it has a lot to do with letting go of the fact that I was refused the bilateral mastectomy I wanted and not getting a second opinion) but can't do it! I was on an antidepressant in 2003, and I wonder if I need something again.

The only thing I can say is that it is okay to seek help, we can't fix all our own problems. I don't care if you were a psychologist, you are no less of an expert in your field if you yourself need help, which I think you already know.

In 2003 I relied on a journal because I was passionate about writing. I wrote an unpublished book about my experiences because it was cathartic. This time I can barely write a small paragraph in my journal. I am disinterested in things I loved to do, some days it is a struggle just to do every day things. I joined a gym and I am eating a healthy diet, but it doesn't help much because I hate the look of my post DIEP reconstruction body so much!

I know I probably didn't help you much but I hope it helps in a small way to know you aren't alone!

The real thing to know is it will get better, I felt the same way and At 8 months post-op and after all the stuff Ive had to endure Iam finally able to have some happiness in life again. Hang in there and give yourself time to hesl.

Thanks for posting this, it helps knowing Im not being crazy, I know Im going thru alot physically, but I tend to hide the emotional aspect of it because I dont want to be a pain in the ass to anyone., Ive always been a tough one, the few times Ive tried to reach out, I get told YOU ARE SO STRONG, YOU CAN DO IT! we are here for you! ect ect. but if I open up a little and ask someone to please just let me say how I FEEL.. *crickets*. I am tired.

It might also be a little of what many of us go through--during treatment, you're so focused on getting through it--it's like that's where all of your energy goes. But when you're out of active treatment, your brain starts to clear enough that the negative emotions start cropping up. Many women speak of developing PTSD after they've finished treatment. I have been one pissed off gal the last couple of months. I knew what chemo was going to do, knew what rads were going to do, even had thought ahead about what the AI SEs were going to be like. But sitting here with hair that is not my regular hair, looking at a minimum of 4+ more years of the AI--it has me pretty angry that BC will still be impacting my life for so much longer. That's a much bigger chunk of my life than the weeks/months of treatment. I want to be me again, and that's not going to happen any time soon.