I want to quit

Erin, hang in there! I did AC+T too. I wanted to give up several times during this crap. First time was after AC#4 because I didn't bounce back very quickly at all, was so dehydrated. I felt like a slug, couldn't rest at all, just laid there tired wide awake all night and accomplished little more than breathing around the house. But I pushed myself to start Taxol. After Taxol #4 of 12, my Oct ladies will verify, I was really ready to throw in the towel. I was done.I found Taxol really messed with my emotions, in fact all of us ladies felt on Taxol that it really messes with your head a bit. I still couldn't sleep but maybe a couple hrs every night if that. The anxiety, the dry heaving, everything.... But in the end I wanted to be able to say I finished, I had gotten this far, can't I go just a bit further, if all this temporary crap would extend my life by decades perhaps?So I dragged myself to the end and finished, not a hoot and holler finish, but a finish none the less. I know this is incredibly hard, but just think of each Taxol treatment like King Leonides and his band of 300 going in there to kick cancer ass. Let the King do his job and let him slay away in there!

Erin, I just wanted to speak to the issue of beginning a new antidepressant. Waiting for a new antidepressant to kick in can be an extremely difficult time. I've been through it twice. My medication just kicked in to where it is now working and the jitters have gone away. It was so hard but I'm glad I was able to stay with it because I feel so much better. I know it will get better for you. Please keep checking in. You are in my prayers.

Hi Erin,

Cancer treatment is sooo exhausting! I've been where you are right now. You're physically and emotionally drained. Plus add in sleep deprivation and it's so much worse. I get it! I wanted to quit after AC# 3. And again during Taxol at #6. I found with Taxol I only had one good day a week, day before I had to do the infusion... AGAIN! I understand that this is SO HARD!!

You're kinda dealing with a double whammy right now trying an antidepressant too...that can also mess with your emotions and sleep until it starts working well for you!

One day at a time..."THIS TOO SHALL PASS".

Erin, you are stronger than you know, girlfriend!! Take each treatment one at a time. You need sleep for the body to heal physically and mentally- please talk to your MO.

It helped me to find something to look forward to everyday and write it down; trying out a new tea, opening this blog, a sunny forecast, reading a book with your daughter, waiting for the mail (I have a big family-received lots of cards). Whatever it is you enjoy, but, find something to smile about during this journey-it can be very dark. But please know YOU WILL get to the other side and life will be GOOD. We're all here praying and cheering you on!

Hoo boy, do I feel you, sister!  I'm on the back end now, but I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Two things helped:

1) Taking it one week at a time.  First I was "OK, get through 6 of 12." because half way seemed like a significant milestone.  Then, #7 to make it more than half.  Then #8, because what's one more.  Etc.  Down to my final 2 and I guess I may as well finish as I've come this far.  

2) Extra hydration at the end of my chemo session.  One hour / one litter of saline / hydration does wonders for my nausea and energy.

My youngest is older than yours.  She turned 14 yesterday and I have absolutely hated the milestones I'm missing.  Biggish ones - my sister is taking her shopping for her cotillion dress next week, for example.  Little ones - she needs new bras and my Mom is taking her to get fitted as she's grown (as 14 year olds will).  Things a girl's Mom should BE there for.  But I'm missing these milestones to make it to the others - high school graduation, freshman college drop off at the dorms, first job, first love.  I WILL be there.  

Just this weekend she was planning her birthday party - time shifted to accommodate my chemo schedule (damn it!) and she said - "Oh wait, Saturdays aren't good for you." and I was able to say "Yeah, but I'll be done with chemo by then, so go ahead and plan your sleep over.  Invite the whole darn class if you want".  Felt good!  

Erin- I promise you - you can do this - I know it is awful, but You Can Do This. I use to repeat to myself all the time ‘This too Shall Pass’. I repeated this over and over. I literally laid in bed from chemos 3-6. Take one chemo at a time and accept the fact that you really can’t do anything til this is all over. Your job now is to fight. I had a 10 and 12 year old. I have more than made up for the time I missed with them while recovering. I promise you that it will come to an end and all this will Be behind you.

Hang in there we are all cheering for you! I will be thinking of you.

my daughter was 2 when I was diagnosed, my son was 8.

During my treatment, my kids ate too much pizza. There were days I put the two year old in bed with me...and we binge watched Disney movies because that was all I could manage.

I taught her to climb on the change table cause I couldn't lift her. I also taught her to climb in the tub, and the car seat, also because I couldn't lift her. I had no energy. I felt like the worst mom ever.

My kids survived. It was an unpleasant blip. We came through the other side. I finished treatment, I got stronger. They remembered, but we moved on. In the thick of it...I wanted to quit. But I crawled my way through it. You will too. You got this my brave sister. You are doing what you have to do to survive. Your 5 yo will remember that love. Don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs...

I always tell cancer patients, there are days you will want to quit chemo - sometimes many days. Don't tell your family as they cannot handle it. But wanting to quit is NORMAL - not unusual. Tomorrow it will be better.

And talk to someone who has been there. AND YOU ARE!

I literally BEGGED my MO to let me quit at the point you are at right now - just after AC. I cried, I pleaded, I begged some more.

He sat me down, held my hand in a doctorly fashion, and told me he would not let me quit. He promised that Taxol woud be better. He told me I had the strength to do it. He was right.

I just had my 7.5 year cancer free checkup. I always thank him each and every six-month visit for not letting me quit and thank God every day since I completed chemo that I did not quit!

YOU CAN do this!!!!! We are here for you!

hello from your futute self. I have benefitted great from powering through shitty but up to date therapies. I lost my hair 2x. Had extracapsular extention. Someone called me metastic. Looked like a zombie, had no mojo....took time. Took a lot of time by being careful, quiestly fighting, realizing my child and friends and family grew such faith in me. Of course it meant nothing to me. Until I got through it. Held my child. Filled out my name on all his school forms and attended pta meetings with some hair under a baseball cap with jewerly. I arranged parties. Vacations and now hes an honor student. I was asked thanked and praised at work, at school, by friends...til one day I realized it was me. I did it. I survived. my voice and impact were far from over in this world. The best was telling off my in laws...Im still here...and this child is old enough, no matter what you say or do, my mark is on him. My son and others are better because of me..

hi Erin, If I may tell you my side of the story. I dont have kids but I clearly understand that you miss your normal life with your daughter. you have to think that you are going through all of these things for you and for her

I was "lucky" with my chemo treatment because I had my 12 weekly taxol first and then my 4 FEC (which my doc split at X 8 weekly doses). I can assure you that besides my hair loss taxol was ok. the hard thing was the FEC. I had times that also I cried and wanted to quit, but then I see the lines that I drew on my wall (you know as a prisoner counting days) and said to myself "you're almost done"...

We've been all at the same position... wishing you strength and courage

p.s. my english maybe a little hard to understand (I'm writing from Greece) but the words are coming from my heart