I want to quit

KellyMSM

I really wish there was a like/love button on these posts!

Wised

Me too! And an 'agree' button so I could agree X 1000.

erin_t

Me too. I was just reading it all again. I can't thank you all enough. Today is 43 days till the last treatment, taxol #6/12 tomorrow.

santabarbarian

Bravo Erin!!!! We dont have to be brave we just have to show up and crawl across the finish line!!! You can see the finish from here and you will get there. What an example of grit and love you are setting for your daughter!

keepthefaith

you all are amazing!!!

Rambros

Great job! You’re daughter will be so proud of you when she’s old enough to understand all you went through.

I felt the same way as you 4 years ago going through chemo with a 5 and 2 year old. Felt so guilty putting myself first for so many months and spent most of my time sleeping or crying. They don’t seem to remember any of it now and we’ve had so many good times since then.

Take care and just count down the days until it’s over

LuluH

Erin, I am sending hugs to you. I hope that you can be gentle with yourself. You are already dealing with so much. I know that despair and lack of sleep make things feel even worse. But you are dealing with this! You have already gone through so much. You thought you couldn’t take any more, but you ARE doing this.

I feel crappy, and am sick of chemo & sick of feeling awful. Thank you for starting this thread. Just knowing that other people are struggling helps me to feel less alone. You can do this!

Lulu

erin_t

37 days till the last treatment. Antidepressant kind of working at 4 weeks, but only kind of. I feel sad and like crying but I try not to because I think if I start I'll never stop. I should be happier. I have what I need, I see my daughter, I took her to preschool this morning even, but the days at home are so long and I'm so worried about whether I'll ever feel good again, good enough to resume my old life. I guess I'm not quitting at least.

Why can't I just relax? Why am I so anxious?

Ingerp

erin how do you fill your days? Are you working? I think you need some distraction. Junky TV, Netflix, . . . . What about treats? I've posted on several threads that I got a little addicted to chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream during chemo. Had it every day. What would bring a smile to your face? Or retail therapy? Or getting some sunshine? Also, just re: tears, I believe if they're in there they have to come out. I also believe it's not humanly possible to cry for more than an hour. I really think if you let it out you might feel better. Even if you're crying every day. It might make the rest of your day better.

Salamandra

Crying can be healthy way for the body to process feelings too big for our rational minds and words. At least, that's what I believe. I also think that how you *do* feel is a lot more important than how you *should* feel, and it's worth honoring. For what it's worth, you will stop crying eventually.

Right now you feel sad and worried. To me that seems completely normal and appropriate for the situation! I'm glad you're sharing those feelings with us here, and I hope you have other outlets in your life where you can also share them and get support.

Annie60

erin - I took a page out of the book "Tuesdays with Morrie." In the book, someone asked him how he stayed so positive when he had been diagnosed with ALS. He said he wasn't always positive. He said he grieved. But he allowed himself 15 of mourning then went on with his day. You may have to cry. You may have to shout at the heavens and rail against the unfairness of all this. Then get up and do something you might enjoy. You may not feel like doing anything more than watching a favorite movie. I have binged on cooking shows and have come to love watching the Pioneer Woman. I try to craft when I feel like it. Eat ice cream or chocolate or chicken legs - whatever taste good. I discovered Marie Kondo on Netflix and organized some drawers. She made me feel calm. It sounds corny, but counting my blessings helped me to focus on what was going right instead of all that was going wrong.

I wanted to quit everyday. I have cried so many nights after my husband went to bed. You are not alone in wanting to quit. I am so sad and mad about the time I have lost. I still have a long way to go. Tomorrow is my last taxol after 4 rounds of A/C and 12 rounds of Taxol. I wish I was more excited about it but I am exhausted. I will want to quit again when I start rads and the hormone pill. I won't quit. I will continue til the end because there is much to be gained. And you will persevere.

When someone asked me "What did I do today?' I tell them "I survived."

Annie

santabarbarian

I prescribe KITTENS. :-)

I got two towards the latter part of chemo, in a burst of hopefulness, and it was the best mental health move possible. VERY hard to be down when two kittens are scampering through your life!!

erin_t

Kittens sound like a nice idea. I have 3 cats already but they're at my house, and I'm currently staying at my parents' house because it was too awful for the depression to be home alone.

I started on disability a month ago because I was too exhausted/anxious/depressed to do anything. But now I think I should do whatever possible to get back to work, part time, something. I was tired today but not too tired to do a few things, go to the store.

The problem is it's all so unpredictable. When am i going to feel ok? When am I going to be anxious or sad? Being with my parents is better than nothing but it's so isolating.

Tresjoli2

Erin it takes up to 6 weeks for antidepressants to fully kick in. And look at you exhibiting such great self care to move in with your parents when you knew you needed help! AND go mom and dad for helping!

You are already halfway though! You got this!

I had a nanny while I was sick. I had convinced myself my kids loved the nanny more than me, and they were gonna want to be with her instead of me. Don't do that to yourself. I wish I hadn't done that to myself.

You are braver than you think...

Hugs!

-Tres

Cowgirl13

Erin, my depression meds were changed not too long ago. I've had a change in meds several times over the last several years. What I have found is that when I am waiting for the meds to kick in it is really, really hard for me. When they finally kick in I am fine but the time waiting for them to kick in is awful. Mine kicked in a couple of weeks ago and I am so grateful.

DiagnosisDisruption

If it makes you feel better, I ran away from home between Chemo 5 and 6. Literally packed the car and was headed to Canada, crying the whole way. The day before I was planning for Chemo 6 like it was Disneyland, couldn't wait to get there. And then the keys were in hand and we were breaking out the passport.

Needless to say, my tumor went with me. While I dreamed of calling the oncologist and telling her to F-off, I didn't. Two days later, I went for #6 and finished it. Would have flipped the building the bird, but I knew I would be back in three weeks for Herceptin.

I am almost a year from my last big chemo and have been in a huge, unlike-me, pissed-off, everything and every one sucks, funk. Two days ago the flood broke in the middle of downward facing dog during yoga. The whole dam came down and I cried for ten minutes, all the while Adrienne wanted me in a forward fold and plank and all sorts of stuff. I finally did a forward fold, finished the video and feel so much better now. I just needed to bust it out and cry about crap that happened a year ago (I don't even have any lingering side effects from chemo!). Ride the wave, I say. This probably isn't popular, but chemo is like childbirth - you know it sucked, but it's hard to remember details once it's over.

hapa

erin - when your daughter is older she will be in awe about how you got through chemo without letting it affect her. She will look back at this and wonder how she was able to just go about her days like nothing in the world was wrong while you were going through hell. When you're feeling anxious or depressed, try to get some exercise. Can you walk outside a bit? Wear sunscreen and cover up, but getting outside can do wonders for your mood, not to mention your health. Maybe for distraction you can help your parents around the house, or cook or do some grocery shopping or laundry or whatever. Basically just keep putting one foot in front of the other until you've gotten through this. Its really is the only way to deal with it.

erin_t

Thanks all of you. God I would like to run away from home, not even away, actually, like run back in time. Or forward.

Cowgirl13 how long was it before your meds worked? Some things are better but I thought I would be feeling better at 4 weeks at the full dose. I keep thinking maybe they won't do enough because the overall situation is so bad, between taxol and lupron and isolation. I see the psychiatrist again Wednesday.

Also hapa my parents are always trying to get me to go for a walk. Sometimes i do. I should do it more.

santabarbarian

walking is good for your chemo SEs also

Annie60

Cats - what a great idea. I wanted rabbits! My husband is always encouraging me to walk. I have to walk with him due to neuropathy in my feet. He is really sweet to help me get up and going. It really does improve my mood to be out in the fresh air.

I want to run away. I want to hide in the Ozarks on the Buffalo River where there are no dr appointments, no looming rads or pills and life is quiet and serene. And if I happen to catch a small mouth bass - life could not get any better. I hold on to the dream and it helps me to take another step on this forced trip.

Annie

Cowgirl13

Erin, that's great that you will see the psychiatrist on Wed. It took about 6-7 weeks to fully kick in.

Ingerp

erin--I like the idea of even a little bit of part-time work, just to give you something else to focus on, plus it'll serve as a reminder that you *will* get your old life back. And you are really in <what was for me> the hardest part. Early on you don't feel all that bad and in the middle, it seems like you have SO many left and you're not going to make it. But beginning with about #9, I started to get really excited to go to tx every time. The end really was in sight and I couldn't wait to get out the door. I think you'll get a little bounce of energy in a few weeks.

Tresjoli2

ah Erin...didn't know about the lupron. Do you have to be on Lupron? Lupron made me feel like sh*t and my GP said it was the trigger for my depression...

erin_t

Tres, i guess i do have to be on it since I'm ER+. I had thought it was going to be tamoxifen but i guess the odds are better with lupron + AI. So my MO tells me anyway.

At this point i think it's the anxiety causing me fatigue more than the chemo. I wake up early all worried that I'm going to die. Then can't get back to sleep.

hapa

erin - the AIs can cause insomia. I have it as you describe. I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I don't think about dying though, stopped that a few months ago. But the insomnia remains. The only thing that helps me sleep is physical exhaustion.

erin_t

Did #7 today. I can't get past this anxiety. I keep thinking that when they finally do the axillary node dissection they're going to find more and I'll be screwed. Multiple people, including the surgeon, have told me this is very unlikely because I'll have done the full course of chemo plus I had the negative pet ct scan, and that I'm not going to die from this. But it sticks in my mind and I'm so scared.

JoAnnsLife

I feel the same and haven't even started yet, but feel exactly like you. I am overwhelmed, sad, feeling bad for my husband and daughter and I can go on and on. This is taking a year of my life and I am in my 50's. I am so nervous about getting chemo and going from feeling Great to feeling awful. Hang in there, you are almost there! Don't give up now!

PrincessOfMeh

At some point, we all hit the wall and honestly, hit the wall a lot more than once. I know I have. Actually, I had my "I don't want to do this anymore" moment this morning, before my 2nd treatment. This is a recurrence for me and the regime I'm on is stronger than what I had the first time. Only my 2nd treatment and I'm so tired. And spacey. Oh my merciful heavens am I spacey. But I had my bad moment and then I hied my butt to treatment because after just that 1st treatment, my 2cm tumor was under 1cm. My onco thinks I have a legit shot at a complete pathological response and even if she didn't, there is nothing I won't do to fight this as hard as I can for as long I have to. Breast cancer might one day kill me, but it will never beat me because I absolutely will not stop, no matter how many bad moments come.

It's okay to be fed up. It's okay to be mad, sad, upset, scared, overwhelmed. Cut yourself some slack and roll with whatever the day or even that hour brings you. Just hang in there and believe better times are coming too.

I will make one recommendation -- try a new a hobby, something that makes you happy. I crochet, knit, and diamond paint. Keeps me busy, gives me something else to think about and look forward to and the diamond painting especially is very relaxing. I also paint with acrylics badly. Seriously, I'm so bad middle schoolers could easily best my tragically hideous efforts, LOL, but wth, I have fun. Creating feeds my soul (I'm an author but constant word-dropping makes work impossibly frustrating) and brightens my day. Anything that makes me smile, that's what I'll do. But I'm running out of places to hide my terrible paintings. Hee.

Frog-on-the-lilypad

Hi Erin,

I just logged in after weeks and saw your post. I was pretty regular the whole of last year and the lovely ladies from April 18 group were godsend. You know why I was not able to visit these past few weeks, coz I started working again, since Feb( was tiring, but still). I have started cooking elaborate meals again. Last year was sandwiches and whatever my lovely friends would drop by and take outs. Dec, I taught my then 6 year old how to ride the big girl bike.

The thing with AC is there is a down week and then an up week. On Taxol, there are the first 5 okayish weeks and then all down days. I will give you a timeline. I finished by treatment on 13 th Aug. End of Sept, I could chase my kid around the park and feel like my old self. I was so shocked that I could run around and play with her. I thought that day would never come.

I am back to being tired as I had to undergo some more treatment. I am done with that as well last Sunday. Now looking forward to feeling better.

Sending you lots of smiles. If I can do it, you can do it. Be good to yourself and your nails. Soon you will be fretting about slow hair growth

Edited for typos

santabarbarian

Chemo sucks -- we all feel like quitting! We quit at the end!

I was eager to bail on chemo early and I was eager to bail on rads early. And both times my doctors calmly did not let me.

I am all the way through treatment now. My first chemo was mid August 2018. So, 8 months to get back to full normal. I feel very good again now with my normal energy, my hair is back, and the skin issues of radiation are in the rearview. 8 months is a long time to feel weird, tired, and weak,and it's grueling to go through.

Now, I am VERY VERY happy I got the full treatment. Much as it sucked at the time, it feels great to have no cancer and a very good prognosis. And if god forbid it recurs, I will at least know I did absolutely everything I possibly could to prevent that.