Lost my will to live

Wth?? So what do you suggest, hapa?? She does nothing?? Do nothing and you will remain where you are. Even things like meditation and hobbies help. In the psych ward, we were not allowed to isolate from others there. We had to go to groups, yoga, exercise class, art class in addition to therapy.

Many of us have said what helped us. And clinical depression is a chronic disease. Whether anyone ever is truly cured is unknown but I'm guessing not as it's a daily effort to get through it. She needs to hit her bottom as was the case for many of us. She doesn't seem to be there yet, but when she gets there, and if she's doing nothing to mentally help herself she will, she has a source here in this thread.

Just like cancer, you seek tx whatever that may be. Unless you are looking to pass soon, you at least do something to help with this incurable disease. Traditional tx, alternative, diet, exercise...you make changes in your routine. Same with clinical major depression and anxiety. Hopefully people she is pm ing are making her feel better but bottom line is you need to help yourself, yourself.

Sorry hapa, but what you stated is well, you know..

How sad that the sympathy and empathy you demand of others, you refuse to give to them.

Jade, it is human nature to want to try to help when one sees someone struggling. Everyone here has a pure heart and good intentions but yes, you are correct, sometimes all we want is a place to share and vent with no judgment and with no "fix". When my son was experiencing major emotional problems he once said that I try to fix everything but sometimes he just wants me to listen. That was a good wake up for me and thereafter I listened, gave empathy, understanding and affirmation and ONLY gave advice if asked. After that he opened up and our communication reached a whole new level. Jade, I hope you find your way and there are some here that are helpful.

oh by the way Jades I love Love LOVE the scarf

I agree. This has become downright nasty so let's all just put aside our differences and opinions.

I'm done with this topic. It has become way too toxic and negative.

Here, here!!!! Thanks for this sentiment NotBrokenJustBent. Well said and IMO this is the heart of it, plain and simple.

"Jade, it is human nature to want to try to help when one sees someone struggling. Everyone here has a pure heart and good intentions but yes, you are correct, sometimes all we want is a place to share and vent with no judgment and with no "fix". When my son was experiencing major emotional problems he once said that I try to fix everything but sometimes he just wants me to listen. That was a good wake up for me and thereafter I listened, gave empathy, understanding and affirmation and ONLY gave advice if asked. After that he opened up and our communication reached a whole new level. Jade, I hope you find your way and there are some here that are helpful."

It is my fourth anniversary.....BMX and 18 months of cancer treatments started December 2014.

I tried to kill myself last month. I tried to overdose. I ended up in the psych ward. I did this in front of my children. I HAVE BEEN BEGGING FOR HELP. I have not recognized myself since treatment started. I.....am....exhausted.

I feel like the medical professionals are playing a game of virtual "hot potato" wit me. I have received NO HELP.....only judgement and rejection. Beginning to expect it.

I hate being alive.

PerAngusta...I know how you feel. I became suicidal from a side effect of a drug for nerve pain. No matter what the cause, I understand how hopeless and alone you feel. My advice would be to share your feelings with your loved ones. I did not.I was convinced that I would always feel this way and that my adult children would be better off without me. So not true! I was feeling that way for 2 months before someone finally thought it could be the medication. A month later there was a black box warning on the drug to warn of suicidal thoughts and actions as a side effect! It was too late for me but hopefully not for many others. I do not talk about this time in my life much. It actually feels like it happened to someone else. I never felt like that before the drug or since stopping it. Please talk to someone. I promise you will NOT feel like this forever!

Not checking into this thread much any more. Re: situational stress vs. true depression. Long-term stress precipitates clinical depression. I grew up in a stressful cultural situation. Needless to say, I am on anti-depressants for life. Is breast cancer, from diagnosis through treatment and recovery, a stressful situation?

One of the things my counselor pointed out was that she felt I was grieving. Grieving my mom who died of BC when I was five, and whose memory was shut up in the cupboard and never discussed. Also grieving the fact that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much control I thought I had, high risk screening failed and “I allowed" the beast to catch me. Grieving the fact that I would never ever know for sure I'd beaten the beast back. I had my doubts about the whole grief work thing. Now in hindsight I think she was spot on. I did do a lot of grief work. It was not easy. I am better for it.

There is a short little book I found that really helped me understand the grief a little bit better. The title is “Good Grief" by Granger Westberg who is a pastor. If anyone would like a copy send me a PM and I'll send one to you.

jaded - One thing you might be interested in is knitting to comfort others. I was in a kniting prayer shawl group until I realized I suck at knitting. We'd meet regularly to make whatever project we felt called to do. I have knitted caps for newborns, shawls and blankets for those who just need a hug. Knitted knockers are always needed to help women who would like to use them instead of prosthesis. Helping feels good. Sending you a gentle hug. I can tell you are a strong person whom I suspect has much to contribute. PS - have you ever considered rescuing a cat, or even just volunteering at a shelter. Animals always need love and they never judge.

Lisey - a number of us have been saying the same thing over and over, and you did it so eloquently! You are absolutely right - there were/are a lot of enablers and we all know that just doesn't help. We are the only ones who can change ourselves and wallowing constantly in self-pity is not only destructive, it gets us nowhere. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I got tired of hitting a cement wall and then being told I'm a terrible person with no compassion. Unfortunately, this whole thing turned into a free-for-all with some unkind things being said. I thought we were here to support and help and lend a hand when needed.

Thanks for saying what I wanted to say.

Ann

Ssnickersmom....and everyone....thank you. No downward spiral....more like a roller coaster since BC. At first it was attributed to the overnight menopause....or quitting smoking (still 4 years clean btw!)...then to chemo, then insomnia from physical pain (lymphadema and nerve damage, followed by bone pain) and then PTSD.....then sincere emotional pain due to abandonment. I think this part was probably...the worst part of all. The financial burdens came at that same time. I had to start looking for a job. All the while....raising my family....no time to rest or save myself. And I think when my child/daughter ran away...and ran to the one person who seemed intent upon hurting me (my sister has the history of mental illness in our family)....I just.....snapped. Too much. That is the short version. Trust me....I have been living in hell since diagnosis. BUT I am a strong, educated woman, married to the same lovely man for 25 years and we have one child who is strong, kind and willing to attend family counselling. He is angry for the people who have given up...abandoned all of us. He says he is not angry with me....but I know he must be....I gave up too. I tried...and tried and tried. After a Clonazepam disaster...I was afraid to try drugs that might compromise my ability to keep my children safe or allow me to drive. Darned when I did....suffering if i dont? Skeptical of experimenting to find a drug to cover my situational pain. This is starting to feel like dominos! Tap one and they all start falling down!!!

I started my own thread....1471. If you'd like to join this deeply emotional discussion please do....and if it is depressing or off putting for anyone, please don't! I have tried to be positive....pretend....and it hasn't helped me. I suppose you might say....I am now desperate. It just makes me feel ashamed and weak. And none of us should feel ashamed....we are human...and I am flailing around like a fish out of the bowl.

I'm glad that I asked for help....came clean! I need it and perhaps it might help one or two others as well! I'm EXPOSING myself, my failings and in the end.....if it brings joy back to my family, to me or any of my BC sisters.....then 100% worth it.

I'm tired.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You say you think your son is angry at you but I don't think so. I think he is probably scared to death at the thought of losing you and probably feels frustrated because he doesn't know how to help you.

I know you started 1471-that's where I read your post. I truly wish I could say something to help you. I hope that you can find that little safety thread you need to help you find your way out of this. It sounds like your husband is wonderfully supportive. Hang onto that lifeline (husband and son) and just concentrate on you and the two of them. You are taking on so much burden. Let go of what is currently out if your control. Get yourself well and in a good place and maybe then you will have the strength to tackle the other issues. One baby step at a time.

We all have your back. Sending you much support and hugs.

Ann

I'm posting on 1471. This topic became way too toxic. Jade has reached out but all she wants is sympathy. You are looking for help, and so I know you will not bite back and reject anything that is said.

You are going to make it!