Lost my will to live

Jadedjo

If you don't want to read something depressing then don't fricken read this. And don't tell me I just need to think positive. And Please don't tell me I shouldn't have this attitude or I should put my faith in God. You don't want to know how I feel about that jerk. I put my faith in God for years and I suffered every single one of them so I have no faith in him or the universe or "if you do good things good things will happen for you" cause it's all lies.

Those who have seen previous posts know I was in a dark place even before diagnosis.but I soldiered through, kept going trying to get ready for the surgery that I knew was coming eventually.

Now it's a touch over three weeks after the surgery. Everything that happened before, during and after proved to me that I physically or mentally can't do this alone but alone is what I am. The crap didn't just rain down in those weeks it POURED. The mutilation of my body hit me harder then I thought it would. I wasn't stupid I knew there would be issues in the aftermath but the deep devastation it mentally/emotionally caused caught me off guard.

I have always felt unattractive but now I feel fully ugly and unlovable. I have no hope of ever meeting someone who will look beyond this disgusting body. My face has aged since the surgery which isn't helping matters either and I seem to be growing more facial hair then ever and I'm not even in the estrogen blocking medication.

Apparently once I dealt with getting the tumor out of my body the full force of what I have lost due to this cancer and what I had to do to deal with it hit me like a semi truck going 100 mph.

I lost hope for any kind of future. All I see is loneliness and suffering. I have nothing to live for. I'm just too much of a coward to put a gun in my mouth, pull the trigger and take care of the problem altogether. So I trudge through each day broken and defeated.pushing myself over my limits because I have no help and daily living stuff needs to get done, doctor limits or not. Being trapped in the apt I live in because physically I couldn't handle even going up and down the Mount Everest stairs (sometimes literally outside due to ice showers you kinda needed an ice pick to keep from sliding down)

I'm now regretting choosing any kind of treatment. I'm not likely to be doing any more after this. No chemo, no tamoxifen. I'm not saying never happen but those are choices for people who have something to live for., who want to extend their years and will put up with the life long suffering that the side effects give you.I got nothing that makes me want to extend my years longer . I got no hope of anything.

I don't expect to see 50. I'm not sure I want to see 50. 6 more years of this hell on earth isn't  high on my list of things to do. 

I have tried to change things. Tried to make it better. Repeatedly,my entire life.Blew up in my face every single time, most recent finally getting a way to get back on my feet after five years of one bad thing after another only to have those feet kicked  out under me by cancer diagnosis.

I'm not an idiot I know compared to others on here my diagnosis is considered "good" or at least better then worst case scenario. That I should consider myself "lucky". 

I would if had something to fight for. I'm completely alone,no hope for any love in my life, no hope for being a mom, on the edge of being homeless with the way rent keeps rising even though I'm in one of the more cheaper apts in the city,living in poverty and not seeing any way out.i wake up every morning with overwhelming sadness. I despise being out there with people who have their health,their significant others, their kids. If I didn't hate camping and hunting and gardening for that matter I would move out to a cabin in the middle of the woods and live out my few last years as a hermit.

It is what it is. I can't change it I have tried and failed my entire life. So now im just done fighting. No pill is going to fix this. This isn't a chemical imbalance. It's a person who has endured one nightmare after another with very little light spots to offset the darkness imbalance. And now what little spark I had has gone out.

More power to those who have the ability to find that fight no matter what state their diagnosis. I am in awe of y'all. I don't have that strength. Not anymore.

So ya, that's where I am now. Sorry but I'm not like most of you who can find that will and a reason to fight,to endure the misery of chemo and tamoxifen and AI's.

Best wishes to all in your fight against this horrid disease.

santabarbarian

I am sorry to hear the pain in your story.

First, I think you (and all of us on this site) have a sacred right to determine how much pain/treatment/side effects each of us is willing to live with and when it's too much. I am comforted to know that if I get a horrible outcome, I can decide when the quality of my life is not worth a further treatment. I desperately want to stay alive and hope to, however I am very comforted to know I can decide to stop treatment if and when that makes sense to me.

Second, please know there are ways to heal from old history, trauma and pain, and to find a lot more inner peace, and I hope you try them. Your medical team can connect you with a counselor, or neurofeedback, EMDR, medication... something to help make things more tolerable emotionally, and support to help you you feel less alone.

Bubblebeard

I know you're in a dark place, I can see it in your words and feel it through my phone. I'm not going to lie, I'm in a dark place too. And I have family. I have a beautiful seven year old little boy and a mother who loves me and a brother who is scared for me. I'm stage 4 with Mets to the liver and the thought of indefinitely being on treatment is almost too much for me at times. But we Soldier on.

I also have a history of mental illness, I have bipolar disorder. The chemotherapy seems to have exacerbated the depressive part of that disorder and I am fighting my hardest to not give in to the depression. It does not help that I had to come off some of my psych meds to allow for my cancer meds. I'm also angry.

I'm not saying this to complain or for any attention, but just to let you know that you're not alone in feeling defeated. We all put One Foot In Front Of the other but sometimes the smile is fake and we just feel done. I'm sending you all the love that I can.

hapa

Hi Jo. I was just wondering how you were doing. Not well, apparently. After surgery must be a hard time, because that was my low too. You've just been through a difficult, scarring experience and there's more to go and it seems really overwhelming. If you don't want to do chemo or tamoxifen, then don't. Though the tamox does seem to affect mood in some women so maybe give that a shot, who knows maybe it'll make you feel better. Are your foobs getting any closer to the same size? Mine are still lopsided, more than they should be just based on the difference in the size of the implants, so I discussed a revision with my PS. That will have to wait until six months after rads finishes because the other one may shrink, but we shall see.

Anyhow, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down. Try to get out of the apartment if you can, getting out in the sun a little bit each day can help your mood. I used to sit outside in the cold of winter and eat my lunch, just for 20 minutes or so every day, to stabilize my mood. It wasn't a miracle cure but it took the edge off. Hopefully this is a low point for you and it passes. I realize you probably won't be over the moon or anything, but at least feeling a little better maybe? Life just sucks sometimes, and some people get dealt a particularly crappy hand.

Jadedjo

Santabarbarian

Thanks I wish it worked that way here. So far the attitude is "we've gotten rid of the tumor and mutilated your body go off now and fend for yourself. Just let us know if things go wrong" like I am supposed to automatically know what is and isn't normal for healing after a bmx. I have been looking for support since this whole thing started and the answer is the same "we won't do anything until ALL the treatments are done and over". So around here you suffer through the beggining and the middle on your own. I have no faith in the healthcare system and for repeatedly good reasons.

Bubble beard

Thanks.I'm sorry to hear you have stage 4 mets.sounds trite but the fact you have people in your life that care for you and give you a reason to go through the treatments is very fortunate,in my eyes. I personally feel the only way to get through that hell is to have something to hold onto and for many it's their family and children. It sucks that you have to sacrifice one treatment for a life long disease to get treatment for another which could exacerbate the former. Everyone's story is different, some might consider me lucky because I seem (and I emphasize seem because I don't think things are how they look right now especially with the tests not back completely) to be early stage, bit I consider those who have children, significant others, families to be lucky because even though the road will be tough and full of obstacles of they reach that end of treatments there is the "prizes( the ones the struggled thrhrough that for" they will cherish and who will cherish them sometimes because they know how close they came to losing them.

The end of that treatment road for me is empty. No happy ending, just a future of the same crap with a reoccurance cancer sword always hanging over my head and walking that road alone and getting to the end still alone.Always alone.i get the anger too. I've developed a hatred of this world and some of the people in it.

My hope is you will one day after all the treatments you have had to endure  soon get the news of no evidence of disease and stays that way so you can live to see your boy grow up. 

Hapa

Thank you.

I have read suicidal ideation can increase on tamoxifen so that's another strike against it for me. I'm already coasting the edge of it wasn't for cowardice I would already be dead. 

The larger foob has gone down a bit still poofier but isn't as noticeable under clothing. It also looks like I got some rippling on the right side, literal side. As far as I can tell the top seems to still be ful and non rippled.ibwas told to wait 4 months for them to "settle" before anything would be considered.they are bigger then I wanted. I would say I'm still D cup so I'm not happy there either, the reason I sacrificed the nipple was so I could go smaller so if it doesn't get smaller when it settles that sacrifice was for nothing. And losing the nipples has had a detrimental effect on my mental state.more then I expected. So to lose them and still have a giant chest that I always hated since I hit puberty (early bloomer) would be another slap in the face.

I wish getting out  of the apt did that for me but all it does is piss me off. While I know it's not true every woman I seem to see is pregnant or has a baby, I see couple holding hands and all I feel is rage. Why do they get those things and all I will get is amputated mutilated breasts, a body turning against itself even more then ever, and all my hopes and dreams the only hongs that have been getting me out of bed the past five years burnt to ashes. I'm drowning in the crappy hand life gave me and I do t have the energy or the will to keep swimming anymore.

I know there are people worse off then me, I also know those same people have something to hold onto as they fight. My hands are empty. And I've finally realized they will be staying empty. 

Hope things are going well for you,

Micmel

bubble~My heart feels your pain. I hate my life, because of the cancer, but deeply love who's in it. It's a torturous way to live and is in no way fair. I grieve with you, for who we used to be. I feel the gnawing sadness when you walk past and older couple laughing about all the happy years. Walking into the sunset together when I'm afraid I'll never see another sunset or even see 50 as well. I am with you both ~M~

jcia

Jo, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. It is so scary and I think most of us have had some pretty dark days, especially at the beginning before knowing what treatment would be. I know I did and anti-anxiety meds were the only thing that help. I didn’t actually start feeling less anxious about this until I was halfway through chemo.

I don’t know what province you are in and BCO is a wonderful site but I wanted to let you know about cancerconnection.ca if you didn’t already. They might be able to hook you up with someone more local to you and someone who has been through this and can offer you support. Wishing your pain to stop 💕

Bubblebeard

jadedjo,

i agree with everything you said about me. The fact that I have my family is probably the only thing keeping me going at this point. If I'm going to be perfectly honest and tell you my thoughts I hate the treatment, I hate what my life has become, I hate the tests, hate the Doctors, hate getting poked 10 times every time I go because I don't have my port in yet, I hate the side effects, and I hate what all these medications have done to my brain.

When I told you I had a family was to let you know that I agree with you, it does give you something to latch onto. Because that's who I fight for, my family. Because they need me, not because I necessarily have the strength or even want to. They are there to pick me back up when I fall and I'm so so sorry you don't have that. Because I don't know if I would have made it this far without them. I'm not going to tell you to put a smile on your face, I'm not going to tell you what your feeling is wrong because I feel it too. And I grieve for you and the fact that you don't have a good support system.

Micmel,

Yes, walking past the older couples. Walking past my friends with their brand new babies. I had always wanted to give my son a sibling. It makes me so mad. I've had to walk away so many times to avoid crying in a situation where I should be happy for someone. You're definitely not alone

Jenna

SummerAngel

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much! I wish I had some magic words to fix it for you, but obviously I don't. I have a 19 year old daughter who has struggled with anxiety and depression (and a touch of OCD) for most of her life, and I can relate to your struggle through hers.

I see that the lack of a family is really getting to you. Is there any possibility of adopting a child? Or even just taking in a child in need? Last night we celebrated the 22nd birthday of the young man I call my "semi-son". He became homeless at 16, his father just decided he was "done with him" (direct quote from his father who was a stranger to me when I called him about his son having nowhere to stay except a park bench in the middle of February in Colorado). I took him in and now he is truly like a son to me. He's on his own and doing great and calls me mom. There are many kids who need love, it sounds like you have lots of love to give.

ceanna

JJo, I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I don't have any fixes for the Canadian health system and can't restore your body to the original version, but please know that those of us here care for you and want only the best for you. Keep letting us know how you are doing and what you need from us, your online family. (((((Hugs))))) Ceanna

Spoonie77

Jadedjo --- I'm not gonna give you any of the trite things you listed, no worries. I've had a lifetime of those and all they do is piss a person off! I hear you loud and clear. I know right now nothing I can say will help you really and truly, other than to say you are understood 100% by me and I'm sure many others.

I came into this cancer battle, having already fought since I was 13. I'm a Spoonie, was misdiagnosed with MS instead of getting treatment for Chronic Late STage LYme Disease. So that f**cked my life, my brain, my health for life. What, with time, could have been treatable infection, welp, due to their incompetence, faulty testing (that's still used today! WTF!), and inaccurate dx/treatment left me with permanent disabilities. Thanks docs, not. You all go can go take a long walk off a short pier (my present drs and team not included lol).

Anyway, my life has been full of chronic pain, fatigue, disability, loss of ability to work, loss of ability to have kids due to my other illnesses, and of course ending up alone through it all. There have been guys, but I pick the worst ones apparently and try to love them through what they are going through, rather than getting the love I need. Being alone is awful, especially like you, when it seems every single G D person around you is preggo or hand holding or getting engaged. I got an invitation to my "friends" third freakin baby shower the other day....like really, I didn't know having MULTIPLE baby showers for the same couple was a thing but I guess it is. So yeah, I hear ya loud and clear on how there are WAYYYYY to many reminders of the things we're missing and wanting in our lives.

I say none of this for any other reason than to say, that before this year, I often didn't know how or why I was still alive. I've wanted to die many times over the years, squirreling away meds thinking if I get the courage I'd have a "way", and like you losing all hope or belief in a god or paying foward leads to better things. There's just anger at him or her if they're there and if the anger is muted, it's just ambivalence. Granted those things may be true but I place no bets on it but if others do, great.

Anyway, I'm veering off topic here, but the moral of my story is that somehow before cancer entered my life, I made peace with so many of my dreams being impossible, with not having kids, with not being able to have the energy to get out of the house even for 20 mins....somehow I coped and limped and cried my way through it. 2015 I thought I was done forever. I was ready to die. What was the point of just "existing"? I think this is what I heard coming across in your post....just existing is not a life. It's hell. It's a daily, hourly reminder that this isn't how it was supposed to go. Oh, "life isn't fair", well yeah, but can we just get some basic human decency and let us have a little joy here in there please, I mean really? Right? Am I close here?

My parents and doctors basically forced me to get a dog. I didn't want a dog. But I got a dog. I hated her, not overtly or anything, just subconsciously I came to realize, and I hated that I felt that way....I'm an animal lover. She made me have to take care of her, even when I was hurting, crying, or unable to take care of myself. There are many days I can't even take her on a walk (she uses pee pads indoors when needed). It's depressing BUT the only up side of any of this is that she makes me smile and laugh at her antics. Her and my cat are besties. My friends have all given up on me basically...they went away before cancer even appeared here....they can't understand what they'll never "live". So I have somehow found joy in my furbabies and that's all I've got. It semi-keeps me sane. I sure talk a whole lot to them...lol...when I stayed with my parents before and after my Lumpectomy, they had to keep asking if I was talking to them, cuz I wasn't, I was just talking out loud to my furry friends. It's bizarre but it's my world.

Anyway, I'm alone, like you probably in similar ways. THis is NOT the life I wanted. I would change so much if I could. Yet, I'm still here. I don't really know why, but I do know I don't want to die anymore. I gave up social media -- it was too much "in my face" about how everyone was living there life and I wasn't. I think getting rid of that helped. Not sure if you are on social media or not, but it's something I was all too happy to get rid of. Everyone thought by getting off of FB and the like I'd get SUPER depressed, more so than I was. They were wrong. It helped. Tons.

All of this was BEFORE cancer....at 41. YOu and I are both young. It's awful to have the C word at any age and well I feel ya girl. However you are feeling right now is totally justified and ok. It's YOUR life. Anyone who wants to tell you all that crap about think positive or do this or that and things will magically be better can join my doctors on that long walk off the short pier, ok? No one is in your body or your mind. This battle, and from what I gather, you've had a rough go, I'm beyond sorry for that. Truly. Every single person should be able to count on their team offerring support and help to get through the minefield that this all is. That you have to go through it with what you have described is just sh**. I wish I was a dr, I'd be yours and show you some compassion, empathy, and offer you whatever I could to help you make it through another day.

Sadly, I'm a teacher, or was back when I was in remission from the other "stuff", so I can't be a doc, but I can be a good listener, if you need one ever.

That said, this has gotten UBER ABSURDLY long, apologies, wrapping things up ---

1) feel free to post all the posts you need to, that's why we're all here. It's a crazy world and everyone's story is different, yet sometimes the most bizarre connections and interactions help in ways no one could see coming.

2) life sucks. totes agree.

3) you have been heard.

4) while our lives are vastly different, i can relate and am around if you want to message.

5) while life does suck, i gave up looking at life as a WHOLE unit, i now look at just today. f*** weeks or months or years from now. that helped about as much as getting off of social media. truly.

6) not getting on a soap box but maybe chocoloate box???....find one thing that makes you smile. whatever the heck it is. focus on that. repeat. not for anyone else, just for you. I stayed alive for years for the sake of others (we lost my brother my mom would be crushed if I died too...that sort of guilt mind trap bs). chuck it. seriously. if you don't want to smile, don't. totes fine. try again another day, but if you do, do it for YOU.

7) hopefully something here made you laugh or smile or say "that chick be cray cray". it's a win win.

8) lastly, are you a book reader? if so, that's where I live these days and during the days of yore. they keep/kept me sane. They say a reader lives a thousand lives. Who is they? I don't know, but they get my vote. Cuz this life of mine is awful but hey, I've been a mermaid, a dragon, a dwarf, a wizard, a werewolf, a shape-changer, a hunter/gatherer, i've discovered time travel, I've gone to Narnia, found the Wheel of Time, and enjoyed the court of Henry VIII a time or two - keeping my head even! Just to name a few. Books are the like the lottery for me. That's my happy place. I hope you have something similar or are one day closer to finding yours.

9) The end....maybe? I don't know but again, read #7.....if the answer wasn't yes, I'll try again another day.

Keep posting. I'll keep reading. "I see you Yi-Yi." and I do, I see you. (if you want to figure out what <---- that's all about you have to read the book )

KCMC

Jaded - you have been on my mind the last couple of days, I missed this post. Sorry you are having a hard time. I wish I lived close to you because I would help. Hugs to you. Keep posting, we are here to lean on.

Jadedjo

Jcia

Thanks, I been looking for support since I got diagnosed and I keep getting the same answer "we have nothing until you have finished ALL your treatments" they are so backwards here it's not even funny.

Bubble beard 

Thank you.I don't really have any family left, parents are dead, no siblings, no kids, no significant other. I would put up with all the chemo and tamoxifen crap if I had something to hold onto. Someone recently said to me "it's going to help you live longer " and my response was "that's not the selling point you think it is. I don't want to live longer with this life I have been given and can't escape from no matter what I do " I can't stand being alive anymore.i can't stand being out there seeing all these people who have been given everything I have wanted in all honestly what I NEEDED to be happy and they take it for granted. It doesn't just make me sad it makes me so unbelievably angry.

Summer angel

Thanks.

With a cancer diagnosis I'm &$"? Out of luck.add on theother health and  financial issues I've had recently am even more out of luck. They will allow meth addicts and child abusers keep their kids but someone who would sacrifice everything to be a mom is left barren and alone. So no I don't see kids in my future. My sadness has always been related to me trying to change my life and failing repeatedly usually at great cost financially,physically and emotionally. There comes a point where you just collapse and say I can't do this anymore and that's where I'm at now.

Ceanna

Thank you. Mostly where I am is I have given up on life, it takes everything I have just to open my eyes each day and any hope and dreams I had for a future are ashes so now I'm just waiting for the pain and suffering that comes with a cancer death because I'm too much of a coward to slit my wrists and just finish it once and for all. Not cheerful words, I know.

Spoonie77

I hear you. I keep asking where the hell is my balance. Life is supposed to be a balance of good and bad, it's  not supposed to be mostly bad with little to no good. Then I see these jerks who get mostly good with very little bad and I ask what did I do that I am punished with the bad side of the unbalance. I'm not allowed pets where I live. Not even fish (apparently there was an incident many years before I moved here that involved an aquarium and that was the end of that) 

I used to be a bookworm big time but the past 2 years my eyesight went from ok to strain to see I can't afford glasses and dollar store readers for some unexplainable reason give me motion sickness feelings so I rarely read anymore. This is why I been watching all my dvds I have because at least I can still see the tv screen. Well for now. The way my luck is holding I will probably go blind at some point.

Kcmc

Thank you I appreciate it. 

I found this posted somewhere on google,don't know who it came from and it sums up how I feel about God and the Universe and Life in general:

'Inside me, there is no more love,laughter,hope or dreams. All you left me with is pain,anger,rage, hatred and nothing to lose. Thanks.' (The thanks is viciously sarcastic by the way) 

and that pretty much sums me up right now in one quote.

Best wishes to all.

Jadedjo

Well ain't that an even bigger slap in the face, one of the reasons I chose to sacrifice my nipples is so I could go smaller. 

I just measured myself. Bust and band.

I'm an inch bigger then I started on both bust and band.

The  Band I expected because I can't do my workouts  but the fact I'm an inch over what I started with in cup size literally made me cry and makes me regret even doing the surgery. The only thing getting me through was I would be smaller then my despised giant boobs used to be.

Now I know why people keep saying I don't even look like I had surgery. I thought they meant that it was because I didn't look weak and frail. Nope.

I was mutilated for nothing.like I care the tumor is out?!? The only damn reason I went this route was so I could reduce reoccurance in both (and thats when I still had hope that I might have a future) and that I would be smaller chested like a small to mid C but im  still a DD. I know in the full scope of things this may seem stupid but once again I get screwed over.nobody in the medical profession listened to me even though I repeated myself a dozen times.

I should of known. Part of the reason I can barely look myself in the mirror is because I felt I looked huge considering I should be smaller I couldn't figure out why the surgery bras seem so tight sometimes when I should be smaller we'll  out I actually bigger.And lopsided. I'm not even perky either. It hangs like an ladies boob that can't decide whether to give into gravity and hang like a half filled bag or hold on to its oomph from youth and is now stuck somewhere in between.

I should have known. Life is a series of never ending disappointments for me.

Bubblebeard

when was your reconstruction jadedjo? Is it possible you're still swollen? Besides saying that just popping in to say hi. I think about you often

ceanna

JJo, I'm grateful you are angry! That gives me hope that you're a fighter, and fighters do what they can to keep fighting even when the going is hard, hard, hard, and don't seem to ever change direction. You go girl, and each day when it seems tough, just log in here and give us your thoughts and we'll keep giving you our virtual (((((hugs))))) and much love. I wish I could give you a hug in person and be physically by your side, but know we have all been in hard places on this cancer road and, even though our circumstances are different, each day brings changes, hopefully for the better. I keep humming "beauty for ashes, strength for fear" for you!! Blessings and hugs. Ceanna

Lily55

I have lost my will to live too.......

Spoonie77

Jaded - Your surgery was this month, correct? (just going by what's in your profile info)

If so, could be possible you're still healing and swollen?

FWIW, my ONCO surgeon and my Plastic Surgeon both said to wait 6 months before judging results and doing anything further. They stated it would take at least that long for skin, scars, tissue to stabilize in relation to healing/swelling/etc to get an accurate look at what I will have going forward.

I know that's no help right now and all you want is to find a little light and that was your ray you were counting on...

I am soooo hoping it's just delayed in arriving.

In regards to the vision thing - are you into audio books at all? I've never been a big fan, but some swear by them. Then you wouldn't have to strain the peepers.

Sending you hugs ..

Jadedjo

Bubble beard 

Thank you. It will be four weeks in Tuesday. I know there is going to be swelling but my size should have been reduced enough that even with swelling I'm not bigger when I started. I even feel bigger then before I lost the real boobs. 

Ceanna

Thanks. I been angry since this whole mess started but I used to put it into working out, since my incisions still seem to be splitting even all these weeks later it  doesn't look like I'm going to get back to it anytime soon. Doc said end of November earliest. Walking doesn't cut it. Also the weather here is more depressing then being in my apt. Dreary very dreary. And every time I'm out there all I see are people who got blessed while I got cursed so I come home even more depressed then when I left.

Lily55

This is not a state I would wish for anyone.its dark, lonely and seems to be eternal. I hope you find your path tback to the light and wanting to live again. Also I would like to add that little fur buddy on your avatar pic is super adorable.

Spoonie77

Yes four weeks this Tuesday. I see the breast surgeon on wensday and there are going to be words.possibly angry ones on my side. Well maybe not so angry cause the blame lays with the plastic surgeon who pretty much ignored me from the get go and changed what he said every appt. But I don't get to see that guy until almost end of November because he's on "holidays".

Thanks, I'm not really into audio stuff because unless I'm focused on a page or screen and words my focus is everywhere but what it should be in  Im the one who can be deep in conversation and all of a sudden I'm all  "SQUIRREL!" Or in one case chipmunk that came flouncing by.

At home it would be more me trying to get 3 stars on candy crush friends saga or the same in mahjong crimes. Actually I would just be scattered and bouncing with all the games in my iPhone (of which there are close to 40 but only 15 I visit on the regular) instead of listening.

Or when they are being nuts and pervy  peeping toms I might go PIGEON cause they like to land on my window sill and peek in my window for a while. I call them my little feathered perverts.

Also it turns out my subconscious has decided to join into the cruelty of life and I dreamt of a 6 month old baby with big blue eyes and curly hair like mine was as a baby and has  my cheek bones and I was humming hush little baby but inside I was crying although in the dream I had no clue why. I woke up with that damn tune in my head and an even more broken heart. Which honestly I didn't think it was able to be more broken but there you go.

Best wishes to all and please send some good vibes to lily55 I know where she is right now and she needs some light in the darkness. 

Thank you

ceanna

JJo and Lily, we're here for you both and I'm sending ((((((hugs)))))).

JJo, all the best for your surgeon followup app't on Wednesday. I'm sure you're looking forward to asking him/her questions and getting some answers. The swelling could still be a matter of time. I know it's hard to wait, but surgery takes months to heal in most cases. Sorry you can't yet do the exercises you want, but do ask the surgeon when you can do them safely. All the best. Ceanna

Jadedjo

Too little too late.

Got a call late Friday from social worker saying a group starts next Friday and I wanted to scream where the hell where you a few weeks ago before I had lost all hope and my will to keep going. She seemed to expect me to be excited about it but I'm not. The women in that group want to live, I'm done with life.

To me it's way too little way too late. I needed a support group or some kind of support period from the medical community at the beginning of the month. Basically they did what they had to and tossed me out in my butt. And that's where I am now. Every medical professional I have seen since surgery knows I have given up. They don't seem to be taking me seriously when I say I'm not fighting the cancer anymore.that I'm done and ready to die cause I can't live in this hell anymore and I'm sure not going to live in it with the side effects of chemo and tamoxifen both the short term and life long term bits

I've been told I don't need to return to the plastic surgery clinic unless something is "wrong". Keep in mind my incisions are still splitting you can see the blood seeping in the strips and I'm still wearing steristrips so that alone I should be going for a weekly check up. Nope it's going to be close to two weeks since I saw anyone,I see the breast surgeon this week.hopefully he can tell me if the splitting/seeping this far in is normal.its mostly the front incisions where my nipples should be. 

 also they seem to expect me to know when something is wrong.

I have two fake squishy non real balls in my chest, half my chest is numb and will be the rest of my life ,I'm wearing a gawdawful surgical bra 24/7 that supports nothing but does put painful pressure on the excised node area so fun times there,I feel like my skin is splitting sometimes  and my chest looks like a sturdy linebackers with skin covered different sized cantaloupes (one of whom has crinkles on the side)slapped on and Frankenstein scarring. Oh and I'm always itchy and I don't know how because the areas I'm itchy are the numb areas so I shouldn't feel ANYTHING.

 There is nothing in or on my body right now that feels RIGHT, so exactly how am I supposed to know something is wrong enough to get checked out?!?

Tommorow will be my second attempt to ride transit bus,the first was a journey into a special hell as ever since I had the surgery my balance has gone to crap and I now fall into walls,tables at home and seats, metal bars and people on the bus. In other words I stumble like I drunk if I'm not walking carefully so people who see me think I've hit one too many bottles and at this point of I could afford it I'd be guzzling that bourbon like water so at least I would have the excuse for walking like a drunk.

And I'm facing it all alone. Whatever support I had that first week has pretty much faded into the woodwork. This fact is one of the many reasons I've decided to choose no more treatments. Another is I can't handle living where I am and dealing with the side effects of the other two (or three)treatments. I was literally trapped for weeks, the few times I left left me in pain and emotionally destroyed due to the drains and the body changes. And I didn't feel fatigue just pain so imagine adding fatigue, joint issues, the feeling of the flu for months upon months. I would curl up in a fetal ball at the bottom of the mt Everest stairs in my apt complex and wait for the cold to take me out.

I don't know how other people are able to do this alone because I know I can't.

Which is why I won't.

Jadedjo

Ceanna

Thanks.I will update here what he says but like al things these days I expect nothing but the usual crap. Especially when I inform him I will not be doing further treatments due to circumstances that I feel would make it impossible for me to endure alone and the fact that my willto live took a giant leap off a cliff and is expecting the rest of me to follow.

Thanks for the hugs. 

ceanna

JJo, you're welcome!!! Here's more (((((hugs))))) for you and Lily. I think I look at the group you have the opportunity to join as somewhere where you won't be the only one looking for a reason to live. Group dynamics can bring out a lot of stuff and people can express their thoughts and you may be surprised you're not alone in your thoughts. Hope you try it and give it a shot over a couple of weeks or more. Maybe just hear the surgeon out and then let him know your opinions. Ask about the incisions and I hope he provides some healing advice. Blessings. Ceanna

Jadedjo

Ceanna

Thank you. And I hope lily55 knows we are thinking of her too and hoping for the best.

Moderators

As you ALL know, from both private and public posts, we are all here for you, and willing and wanting to help guide you to people and resources to bring you out of this. People DO care!!!!!

xoxo

hapa

Jo - I would be surprised if there aren't other women in your support group who also just feel like they're done. I still feel the way I did when I started my things I don't tell anybody thread. I still kind of wish I had just packed it in at diagnosis and not done any of this, even as I drag myself in for rads every day. And I too get the weird itching where I'm numb which I don't understand at all. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time with, well, everything. And if you decide not to do any further treatment that is a perfectly valid choice that many women before you have made.

Jadedjo

Mods

Thank you

Hapa

Thanks. You would think in this day and age they would find treatments that don't feel like forms of torture. They found a pill that gets a mans shwong to perk up but they can't find a cancer treatment that's sometimes worse then disease itself.im not sick other then my usual chronic illnesses, I wasn't sick before diagnosis but with my super sensitive body system if I have to do chemo or take tamoxifen I'm guaranteed to be very sick and will be sick probably for a lifetime because I'm the one who would get the lifetime side effects that are supposedly "rare". Quantity of life means nothing if everyday is unending suffering. I been suffering for five years with none stop crap in my life I don't need to extend it for more.i will work on my diet,have already started ( I'm not cutting sugar out until after New Years because the holidays are horrible enough without occasional ice cream and chocolate almonds to drown in), I will exercise and will be aiming for daily and hope eventually my metabolism will pull its head out of it butt and let me lose weight which will reduce reoccurrence possibilities but that's the extent of "treatment" I'm willing to go. I hope when you reach the end of your treatment path you will have no evidence of disease for however long you live on this earth.

I think it's phantom itching, like a missing limb or boobs are now gone but the nerves are saying 'heyo something is supposed to be happening all up in here but it's all gone wrong whatever let's just go with it anyway'

Thanks for understanding I think the medical people don't believe me when I tell them I'm done because they see so many trying every avenue to extend their lives. I suspect it's very rare when they have someone who doesn't want to extend it. I got the tumor out of my body. If it's coming back as local or distance reoccurrence then it will come back. I know the price for my choice.

Best hopes and wishes.

SummerAngel

Jjo, just wanted to clarify that my "adoption" had nothing to do with the legal system whatsoever. I called Child Protective Services and they "looked into the matter", then did nothing. I basically just kept my semi-son because I wanted to. I know you don't have a lot of financial help to give, but just being someone to talk to can help. Maybe going to a shelter for teens and having a coffee while listening to one of them would be something you can do. The key is to just get out there, one way or another. I know from my daughter's struggles that "just getting out there" seems nearly impossible sometimes, but every step is a step in the right direction!

I have a lifelong friend who's had severe physical problems nearly her entire life. She's been on antidepressants (Prozac) for over 20 years and swears by them. That's a thought as well. Generic Prozac is very cheap these days...

KCMC

Jaded - I wonder if Canada has a Big Brother/Big Sister Program. Just a thought

pingpong1953

Jadedjo, this might sound strange but I find it easier to read with one eye closed. I have prescription glasses with a reading zone but I find it easier to park them on my head and use just my left eye to read.

Salamandra

I would like to find a support network with other single childless women. It feels different going through this truly alone. (Parents passed too, one of them from breast cancer).

I'm not quite where you are. I had a lumpectomy and am now waiting over a week for the pathology results. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't concentrate, I can't take care of myself, I can't work. I'm thinking of taking unpaid leave even though I'm physically mostly able to work, because I can't imagine doing my job decently with so much of my brain and energy gone (high school teacher).

But then I'm afraid of getting even more unmoored. And if course, there's the money.

But seriously I'm in shock at how my brain has been affected by this.