Lost my will to live

yeah I've gotten the people have it worse than you bit. Yes they do but the topic is how I'm struggling which is very real and of great concern and stress for me. In reality, those with ALS have the worst condition imo. Two years maybe and you lose everything but your mind is ok. Zero quality of life. Everyone is different and handle or can't handle their stuff. We can't judge based on dx or their situation. Certainly in a thread where someone is alluding to ending it is not the place to compare people. The goal is to provide support and help if we can. Why do you think suicides happen? Because noone is taking any cries for help or the critical nature of their situation seriously. I've been there, twice and although I'm doing better, I'm on a thin line to fall.

And I wonder how many of those who killed themselves heard those words that some have it worse than you..

Are there breast cancer support groups or mental health support groups around? Not just financial but finding ways to connect with people who may be good for your mind. Being alone makes it all worse. One advice I had gotten is to join a church. People there all know each other and tend to care. Churches here help with people struggling and not just spiritually. Don't have to be religious, goal is to be around people.

you need to keep contacts, not withdraw. As far as church, you can suck it up and view it as meeting people. Withdrawing makes depression and anxiety worse. If you can have 1 person who cares which many in churches do, it makes a big difference emotionally and mentally. I'm not religious. My neighbor is big time. I get lots of prayers and let me know if you need anything from her. I've never asked but it's nice it's there. You have sunk so low that you can't start the climb. With such bad chronic depression you should be on an anti depressant anti anxiety med. Read self help books. When I was in the pysch ward, it was mandatory to go to group therapy and they had a library of self help books that was encouraged for us to check out. It's hard as hell. It was more painful for me than anything bc or my severely arthritic knees, mentally was worse than physically. But if you do nothing, you'll be where you are. I used the words but and I can't often to try and explain it. I was told then get used to where you are. Don't look at solving everything or it will overwhelm and depress you more. Small steps. First imo get out somewhere where people gather, like a church since folks there tend to be very caring and like to help. It's going to be more of a force yourself as you'll never feel like it especially when you are that down. It's amazing how many people like to help. When I was bald and looking sickly, people I don't know at the store seemed concerned. I took it as people care. Took people up on helping carry stuff and such I used to do myself. People like people who smile. Even if you don't feel like it, force it. People are drawn to people who look friendly. The biggest key is not to isolate. That's the worst thing to do. If you want to pm me, feel free. I've been suicidal twice, one time almost succeeding. I have a pet which keeps me going. Got to make a move somehow. Everything that was said to me in the ward was bottom line, you have to make the changes. Do nothing about it and you will remain where you are. People who have a lot of money sure have it easier like that, but some have deep depression and anxiety where money doesn't help them. Mental health is huge, bigger than people who've never struggled can imagine. Start with meeting people and going to the library to read self help books addressing depression and anxiety. Just starting something you'll feel a little better and more hopeful. For stuff we have no control over at all, need to let it go. It's not easy at all which why the last time was an od attempt but I was shaken to realization that bottom line, I have to help myself. Others can help but noone can fix it. Only you can.

Great post Rosabella! So glad you survived to share your experience and wisdom with others who may feel like nobody understands.

JoE777, that's really good advice! Many of us should try that. Some of the most therapeutic books I've read we're actually written by people who were journaling/blogging for their own reasons, never dreaming it would someday help someone else.

Jo, maybe the things mentioned ARE your purpose. Maybe life dealt you a shitty hand so that when you've met it, processed it and put it on record, others will have a roadmap that you've created for them to navigate their own dire circumstances?

Vickki

JadedJo,

It’s not what happens to us that defines us...it’s how we respond to what happens to us that determines our path going forward.

We have choices. Sometimes we place our own limitations on these choices. I am amazed that after 8 pages on this board with many women caring about you and responding to you...offering wonderful advice and suggestions you have not been able to grab hold of one suggestion or idea that might improve your situation.

Have you always experienced depression? Clinical depression can change pathways in our brain. That’s why we get stuck in the depressive mode. It takes medication and talk therapy to change those pathways.

I have experienced clinical depression for 25 years. It is genetic in my family. I suffered for about two years with it and didn’t know that I was suffering depression. I didn’t wake up one day and just experience depression. It was a gradual slow slide downward to what felt like the pit of hell. During this time we adopted two Russian siblings, ages 4 & 5. They were suffering PTSD. I was so low but high functioning because I thought I just wasn’t a good mother. I saw other mothers around me and motherhood looked so easy for them. I just needed to work harder which depleted me physically, spiritually and emotionally. I was very sick and I didn’t know it.

It got to the point that I felt like I was isolated and freefalling down a pitch black tunnel and there was nothing I could do to stop. I became so worried that my pain would effect my children and my husband. I felt like a complete failure in all of my roles in life...a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter. I was completely depleted. The pain of isolation and the emptyness made my world so dark.

I didn’t want to hurt myself. I didn’t want to kill myself. I didn’t want to orphan my children again. I just desperately wanted the pain to stop.

But oneday when the kids were in school I made a decision to end my life. My husband was a gun collector and we had a gun safe. We kept important documents and valuable jewelry in the safe also because it was fire proof. I couldn’t find the key that was needed to open the safe along with the combination. I called my husband who was at work to ask him where the safe key was located. I tried to make my voice sound upbeat and normal. He asked what I needed out of the safe and I lied...telling him I needed the adoption documents. He said well as a matter of fact they are right here in my desk drawer. I said okay.

Twenty minutes later my husband comes through the front door. He had a 45-60 minute commute and he made it home in 20 minutes. He hugged me so tight. He said he heard something in my voice that wasn’t right. I fell apart.

That night I laid on the sofa downstairs in the den. I couldn’t sleep. I called out to God asking if he was real to please help me. I couldn’t stop the free fall and it was so black. The next morning I called our friend who was the neuro-psych for our kids to ask for a recommendation for a therapist. When I had asked him before he would just tell me to grab my bootstraps and pull myself up and mother these kids. This time he gave me a name of a therapist. When I called her it went to voicemail. I left my name and number. When I hung up I said God please let her call me back. I had no energy to go searching for a therapist. She called me back immediately. She could see me the next day. When I sat down in her office I sobbed for 45 minutes. I could not even tell her my name. She finally said, “you are the most depressed person I have had in my office.” All I could say was THANK YOU! She could recognize my illness.

That began my long journey back to the living. I did reluctantly go see a psychiatrist for meds. They immediately made a difference. I am still under the care of a psychiatrist and on meds to this day.

I have learned that with the help of a therapist and a psychiatrist I never ever have to go that low ever again in my life. God had a plan for my life. Taking my life back in November of 1995 was not His plan for me. I chose life. It was not necessarily any easy road back to being healthy but I saw progress every week.

I have poured my heart and life story out to you. You did not ask me too. I felt compelled to share it with you. My story is not your story. You keep saying no one understands you or your life situation. I understand depression.

If you want to improve your situation then do something...anything. If you are so dissatisfied with your implants then have them taken out. Get a referral to a psychiatrist and start working with that doctor to find the right antidepressant for you. There are so many available and they are so specific to areas of the brain. If one doesn’t work then work with your doctor to try another one. You do have to be compliant and take them as directed.

There is a theme running through all of your posts...your PS doesn’t listen to you...you therapist doesn’t make time for you...you can’t take antidepressents...antidepressants don’t work,..your MO doesn’t want to work with you because you don’t want to take anti-hormone therapy...JadedJo you are choosing to be non-compliant with your doctors and your treatment. In each medical situation you knock down every medical suggestion. There is nothing they can do to help you if you are non-compliant.

I understand your situation, I understand depression. You have choices. You have the personal freedom to make at least one change in your life. Take it one day at a time.

I wish you the very best in your life. I will pray for you that you will find a way to change the circumstances that weigh so heavily on you and rob you of the joy that you deserve.

God bless💪🏻🙏.

Hoping everyone is having a good day. Thanks to all for sharing their personal struggles. Each of us fights their own battles, and I wish you all comfort and peace. Hugs to all!!!

Good morning Jo, I see you're taking my advice about writing. I really didn't expect to read it, but it is very interesting how you share yourself with us.

It is evident you have talent, not only with words, but creating with your hands. Beautiful scarf.

However, I fell to see if you're an atheist, how you can be so angry with an entity you don't believe exists. Just mark him off your list of things to deal with and lighten your load. I'm serious.

I've never told anyone to stop seeing a doctor but if you have no confidence you might consider it and seek out a new one later. That may eliminate some anger and stress that steals what Peace you may find in your situation. Generally people seek out a doctor if they recognize they need help.

I'm glad you shared the generosity of family members but am sorry it was tinged with a sarcasm and criticism. A wise lady told me one day after I expressed a criticism of someone's family members for not caring for the old lady, "there's a reason why someone finds themselves alone".

I don't get from your posts that you want to be alone.

You come to a public forum to vent and that's okay up to a point. The women on this site welcome the responsibility of being a sounding board, but you have a responsibility also. Advice and empathy is poured out of good and pure hearts that suffer beside you, yet you spurn it and are choosing to build your own prison brick by brick while helping hands and wise voices are silenced.

I had one moment of hope when you wished good things for us but I felt so bad for the other ladies and you, I had a hard time thinking you were serious and not just getting in a last jab.

I understand now you only seek negative affirmation and that's dangerous for you.

Your responsibility on this forum is to not bring others down. Attempt to move out of a self imposed exile from the the goodness that exists everywhere around us. Look out your window-behold nature and express gratitude to her for being outside your window. You're not alone.

J

Hey Jo - I'm sorry that others choose to offer unsupportive advice and their own sarcasm. I wasn't going to reply but I feel I need to speak out.

First off, thank you thank you thank you to every single person on this thread that decided to put aside their own circumstances and offer Jo kindness and an openness to understanding or at least empathizing with her situation the best you can. I know it is not easy and it sometimes can be a skill that takes years to develop. I mean that truly. It means (speaking for myself) so very much to hear from from those in our lives that take time to listen, to accept our story as it is, and bypass the negative that could be said, and instead choose to focus on something productive and positive when possible. I know Jo has appreciated this too, immensely, as she's stated many times over.

Secondly, to everyone else that the first point does not apply to, I'd like to ask you this question:

Did you maybe overlook the fact that this thread is in the topic of EMOTIONAL CRISES?

If not, then honestly, would you feel comfortable saying to someone you love, that is struggling and telling you they have lost the will to live, some of the things that have been posted here??????

I have a hard time believing this to be true.

I cringe at reading some (granted the smaller percentage thankfully!) of these posts.

As for me, myself having been a person that struggled similarly in many ways to JO, ie crappy hand dealt all of our lives, and having had similar "helpful" things said to me, I will tell you they HURT. They scar. They will echo in our heads for YEARS. They do not help, they make the problem worse.

Evidenced by the fact that instead of Jo having a place to come vent and feel heard, she is now saying that this thread has become a stone around her neck (not her words, mine but I feel it apt). So instead of helping, some of us are hurting, and IMO, Jo is rightfully deciding to put herself first and practice self-care by backing away from a situation that adds more harm than good.

I would too.

I ask anyone who decides to post from now on to really reflect on what is posted before hitting "submit".

Ask yourself, would you say this to your mother, your sister, your best friend, if they were sitting in front of you in tears, hurting both emotionally, physically, and in their soul?

Would you instead of simply listening and offering them the reprieve and balm of feeling heard and understood, would you place blame and judgement?

And I'm sorry, but I need to specifically address you, JOE77.

You stated, "A wise lady told me one day after I expressed a criticism of someone's family members for not caring for the old lady, "there's a reason why someone finds themselves alone"." and I audibly gasped!

Perhaps, there is a kernel of truth in some instances. I'm sure we all can agree that the fact is sometimes in old age (to which this reference was made about) people do become bitter and hard to interact with. I do not believe this to be the case with Jo.

Please do not take this as a personal attack, it is not meant as such. I reacted strongly to that statement. I have been in mental health crises before, struggling desperately to hang on to this world for another day or so to see if something "might" change. So I felt nothing but hurt and anger reading that sweeping statement.

For me, having lived that experience, I don't think this is EVER appropriate to say to someone who is struggling, to basically blame them for the fact they are alone. If someone had said this to me in my time of need, it would've broken me. Perhaps sent me over the edge. And in posting in this forum, under emotional crises, I would hope people would choose to skip assigning blame or responsibility. IMO, it is not something that should be said to someone in crisis.

Perhaps, years or months down the line, if a person is in a better mental space, having come out of the worst and into the light somewhat, perhaps an inventory can be taken and looking back, say "hey this didn't work so well as a coping skill. or this maybe didn't serve me so well and it would have been more beneficial for my mental health to approach it this way"....however, in the middle of an ongoing emotional crisis IMO that is not the time to assess blame. JMHO.

I would rather posit, that more often is the case, that yes, indeed the reasons someone ends up alone has a greater chance of being related to the --- friends, family, general human beings in the world are simply ignorant of the situation, oblivious to how the world may treat others in different socio-economic spheres, spared from having the bad luck of having a lifetime of bad cards handed to them, perhaps simply insensitive, judgmental, too busy, or unaware of how their actions affect others.

That all being said, yes I agree, people do at some point have to take responsibility for their actions and their world. All we can do in this world is work on our own little place in this big, wide world. From my point of view Jo is doing that to the best of her ability, given the years and years of a life that has not been kind. In my opinion, she could be a very bitter, hostile person. Yet I have found her to be nothing but kind, compassionate, understanding, supporting of my own struggles, funny, sarcastic, and beyond patient, and most importantly, that we should keep in mind, SHE WAS REACHING OUT FOR HELP, REACHING OUT TO US. And sadly, due to the posts of some, she is turning away from this thread, and closing down this venue of interaction and support.

That to me is sad.

I'll get off my soap-box now. I just felt I had to stand up and say how this turn of events on Jo's thread has made me feel. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

I'm sorry Jo for speaking of you in the third person here so often in this post, but I really felt this needed to be said. I'm sorry that your thread evolved from a resource and place for venting, which you needed, into what is currently go on.

You are in my heart and in my thoughts. Thank you for letting me into your world and allowing me to bring a laugh or two, and maybe a little distraction or a little help, when I was able to. I wish I could offer more. I hope you will post again after the holidays but if you do not, I will completely understand why.

Hang in there, keep letting that dark humor leak out, and being your true self. You have a great talent for writing, for knitting, and a deeply compassionate heart that is simply tired of dealing with the shite life has handed you. Been there done that and I know, in my bones, how eroding and soul-killing that can be. I understand your path and I know the strength it takes to keep waking up to it each day. You are stronger than you know.

I truly wished we lived near each other, I'd come hang out and share some "I totally get where you are right now and I'm here....for whatever you may need or if you just want hang out in silence....I'm here." moments.

All the best...hugs and healing my friend.

like I said, I was Jade a few years ago. Shot down every advice with the you just don't get it and but was my favorite word. I was there for a long time. Yes some things are not in your control but you can try like what I suggested, free. Read self help books on major clinical depression and anxiety. Get the books that have exercises in them. I isolated and of course, got worse. It's great Jade has found some pm friends, but if anyone doesn't put forth any effort then you'll be in the same spot. I have to admit I was a bit offended that I spilled a very painful part of me and still can be as it's a daily effort, and get a buzz off type of response.

Hopefully people suffering so get helpful tips from our posts. Because most people do care, you can't expect people to not share what worked for them or what may help. This site is one of support and trying to help others. If you don't want to hear what others say, don't post or say at the top, no advice, just venting. In fact there is an angry venting thread where people do that.

Many of us have been where she is. It is sad that she is so bitter she has extreme difficulty seeing beyond her own pain. Best to leave her alone until she decides that maybe she can learn from the experiences of others.

you are right mcbaker. I had a nice long detailed response typed up but it didn't post. Not going to redo it.

One has to be ready, and to try things and give it a decent amount of time before you can say it doesn't work. Meds need to build in your system so you need to give it weeks to decide. There's a reason why they are so many types for the same thing. One doesn't work, on to another. Cognitive behavioral therapy is the only type that works with clinical depression and anxiety. Make sure your therapist uses this technique. You can also get books on it with exercises. That was huge. It's daily effort. Been at it since 94 and am always a work in progress. If anyone wants to pm me, feel free.