Lost my will to live

hapa · December 2018

Jo, I'm sorry about your reconstruction. Ask your PS about revising with wider, flatter implants (or just flatter ones if that's what you want). I think the assumption is that you want huge knockers, and even if you say you don't they operate under the assumption that you'll really like them once they're in. I think something like 60% of implant revisions are because women want to be bigger/have more projection so I think they just throw in something bigger than what you said you wanted because that's what people end up wanting in the end most of the time. When I got my consult the plastic surgeon said almost everybody wants to be bigger than they started. I asked her if I'm the only person that wanted to stay on the itty bitty titty committee and she said pretty much, yes. They will have to special order lower profile implants for me, that is how uncommon it is to want to stay flat. Which I find so surprising. I mean, I'm fairly petite but I'm far from the tiniest woman out there. I think plastic surgeons are still stuck in 1995 when women all wanted Pamela Anderson tits, and smaller, lower projection implant reconstructions are going to get more popular as more women our age and younger get diagnosed with cancer.

For the rippling, you're going to have to do fat grafting. Rippling is just a given with pre-pec reconstruction. I have rippling too, and the implants look really weird near the armpits, so I will have to get fat grafting to smooth things out.

One thing that surprised me is that the plastic surgeons here in Texas tell women that the goal is for their boobs to "look good in clothes". So I guess liking your body isn't even a goal, and I'm starting to wonder if a revision is going to be worth it.

Jadedjo · December 2018

Spoonie77

I'm sorry things are so rough right now especially from something that is supposed to be helping you. I hope you got doctors who are on the ball and making sure things don't get really bad before changing or doing something. I can donate warm homemade wooly blankets and more pillows then we know what do do with to that room too

Big hugs to you, really hoping things get set right.

wrenn · December 2018

Someone has given you the wrong information regarding choosing a surgeon. You can choose your surgeon or any specialist in Canada. Some have longer wait times and aren't worth waiting for but you can research physicians on RatemyMD to see reviews or ask friends.

Jadedjo · December 2018

Hapa

Thanks,thing is I mentioned to doc about ten times I hated my large chest since I got started growing them at age 9 and wanted as small as he could get. The one thing I didn't want was projection, if I did I would have wore torpedo looking cross my heart bras instead of dampening sports bras.

My rippling sadly is in the middle of the breast, if it had been the sides I could have honestly lived with it but it's front and center. I noticed lefty is starting to divot in the middle too.

With one protruding farther then the other I don't look good in clothes and have been wearing thick cardigans a lot to cover that fact.not gonna help in the summer though.

Mostly I want to be able to look in a mirror and not feel horror at the freak show it's become. Could it be worse ? oh yes I am well aware it could but it's not even close to the best it could be either.

Update:It doesn't help that I was supposed to start working out on the second and Mother Nature decided to send the monthly visitor EXACTLY on that day with the, first time I thought was a side effect from surgery, but now realize the side area where they leave a little breast tissue has taken up the mantle for sore breasts during that time of month so I was having aches on top, aches on the bottom and I threw my hands up in the air and said "screw it" and didn't start anything. Waiting until Saturday now.Things should be settled by then.trying to live it up as best as I can right now because jan 1st it's cutting out all added sugar (chocolate etc) trying to reduce as much carbs as I can, no more junk food like potato chips (which can help with nausea sometimes) and trying to stick to mostly proteins( quinoa),veggies (frozen)and plain fat free yogurt . I'm gonna have some stumbles especially in beginning but hopefully by summer I will be mostly sugar free (except what is naturally occurring like fruit ) junk food free and hopefully a few pounds free too. Hopefully.

Not holding my breath though, exercise and diet changes don't work for me when it comes to weight loss.

Mentally I'm still having difficulty. A lot. Finances and food have a lot to do with it.Last year I was able to get a couple small food hampers and help from food harvest this year I can't carry it for one and I don't qualify for the other and the third I got early to get me through surgery. There's not going to be any Christmas dinner here. Basically at that point it's what I have left in the fridge and freezer. Another reason I hate the dang holidays. It is what it is. I will get by.

Blessed be.

Jadedjo · December 2018

Wrenn

Thanks for the rate my md suggestion. This...explains sooo much!

I looked him up and got mixed messages of oh he's so great and others who got the same treatment as I have and towards the end someone wrote "doesn't hide the fact he hates fat people" and snap everything kicked into place. His whole attiturude, not listening to me etc. so I guess if your skinny you are treated like a queen and he will listen to everything you want but if you are fat. you are getting what you are getting and just deal with it.

And I don't know what it's like where you are but it's pretty much impossible here to switch doctors. You have to have a damn good reason. I might after I see him on the 16th and he says things are good to go when they obviously aren't.

Thanks.

ceanna · December 2018

JJo, good to hear an update from you my friend. Hope your upcoming doctor's appointment gives you some options for correcting the issues that concern you. It certainly explains a lot for you from the doctor's reviews! I'll have to look up my doctors, or is that site just for Canada?

((((Hugs)))) to you and all here!!! Ceanna

Jadedjo · December 2018

Ceanna

Hugs back

I think it's for everybody including the states and such ,what I had to do was go to Google put in my docs name then the city I'm in ( sometimes the province if it's a popular name)and reviews and the rate my doctor was the first thing that popped up.

It's something I should have did when I got the first appt but I was so overwhelmed I didn't think of it. If I had known my doctor was fatphobic I would have tried to get a new one immediately.

Like when I look at the contrasts "he was amazing!" To "he didn't listen to what I wanted done at all" you can almost tell which patients were fat. Then one straight up said "did not hide the fact he hated fat people at all". He never said anything but I could tell when I was in the shared treatment rooms I got different treatment professionally then the other person he just finished talking to.its just not something so obvious I can take it to the board and file a complaint. Like when there's obvious issues and he says "everything looks fine!" Something stinky is going on there.if he says nothing needs to be done when I see him in next month then I will be filing a formal complaint and asking cancercare if another doctor can fix this mess. A person shouldn't feel horrible when they see the results of surgery. It's bad enough I had to amputate my boobs to get rid of the cancer and reduce my chances of reoccurance the least he can do is make the results of the reconstruction something close to what I can live with. I've taken to calling myself fat Frankenstein Barbie because of how they protrude from my chest. And at more then two months they haven't gone down. At all. I'm still a giant D cup. All I can think is why did I give up my nipples for this crap show. If I knew they were gonna stay the same size I would have kept them. Too late now.

Blessed be.

arolsson · December 2018

Hi Jo

Just wanted to let you know that your posts really touched me. We all have different situations and ways of coping and its obvious that you are going through a real existential crisis.

I'm a further along this journey than you, diagnosed at stage IIIB in 2012 and 16 months as a stage IV. I've had several surgeries and am on my 6th chemo regimen with spread to my bones, chest wall and liver. But I don't think that you are "luckier" than me. I think that you are having a normal response to an incredible amount of hardship.

I can share a couple of insights-

-it is a completely different experience to be single and without family support. the internet seems to be full of grateful bc patients with amazing "caregivers". Who are these lucky people? My husband started cheating on me the first go round and then abandoned me, he was too freaked out by the idea of having a wife with cancer. Now that I am stage IV and considerably weakened by years of surgeries and chemo I have to figure out a way to ask for and get help, which is not easy. Last time I had to go into the ER I contacted my list of 10 friends who all wanted to "be there" but gosh, they have theater tickets or plans for a netflix night with their son. The worst is when filling out the form where it says who they should contact in an emergency! So you are not alone and I understand your sense of isolation.

-breast cancer surgery and reconstruction is a much bigger deal than they let on and everone's experience is different. For some reason doctors and nurses seem to be trained to downplay how difficult it can be. My surgeries were all extremely painful and it took me years to get used to the changes/numbness/reduced motility. It may help to remember that (sadly) surgeons are focused on what is medically significant/dangerous/okay as opposed to your experience of pain. If they had helped me to manage my expectations it would have saved me a lot of grief. The good news is that it DOES get better over time, much of it due to getting used to a new normal. I find that rather than trying to reason with surgeons, get them to refer you to specialists in pain management, physical therapists psychologists, curators and others that may be more help. I actually work with a number of leading scientists who study chronic pain and somatic response--its serious and tricky science trying to understand why people with similar medical baselines have entirely different pain experiences and not "all in your head".

-potential partners don't see your body the way you do. Though I am single now I have had a few relationships post-matectomies (mine are uneven, rock hard and with a tatooed nipple) the partners I have had are completely unphased by them. Would you reject a potential parter because they had love handles? hair on their back? a crooked nose? As a male friend said to me, "men are much more attracted to enthusiasm (!) than to perfect bodies." I know lots of gorgeous women who are completely unhappy in relationships and hate their bodies, and women who in no way conform to conventional notions of beauty but have super happy intimate relationships. So definitely push for operations that can make you happy with your body if that is what you need, but understand that it has little to do with being lovable or desirable.

-support can come where you least expect it: I have been bitterly disappointed by people I thought were close to me, but surprised by the remarkable support of people I barely know. Grab onto these people, they will get you through. As you see many on this site want to be there for you. Some support groups may work, others not, keep trying until you find a good fit.

-learn to navigate the national health system- I live in Sweden which has a national health care system similar to Canada's. The resources are there but you have to find them. Nurses are often better sources than doctors for this, especially if you keep thanking them profusely : )

-the scariness of breast cancer can be worse when your prognosis is good. They seem to have treated the cancer very aggressively--and did not really discuss less agressive options with you which has left you with long term pain and suffering. Don't know if it helps, but the first time I was diagnosed (at stage IIIB with lymph nodes already involved) but told that I could "beat" the cancer or be a "survivor" (still trying to figure out what that means) it was so much harder than last year when I learned it had metastasized and I have probably two more years to live. Here again everyone experiences cancer differently but it can be helpful to keep telling yourself that you are suffering from the stress and anxiety of a significant trauma that may well be at a peak just now- GOOD FOR YOU for expressing this as anger!

Thanks for letting me share my experience-take it or leave it. You seem like a pretty terrific and intelligent person well worth fighting for.

/AMY

janky · December 2018

Morning ladies -

Amy, what a great post, thank you for sharing such thoughts and wisdom! Like anything, people will take from your words what they want to, I am inspired and appreciate them even though I live in Canada and do have a wonderful support system of family and friends, I understand how difficult it would be without that, so you speak for many people out there. I wanted to say that even with all the resources and support available, I do despair, feel down in the dumps, hate my uneven body, have mood swings, am hot, then freezing - it is part of this unasked for journey, so these forums have been wonderful for me, and I am sure many others.

Jjo, ceanna and any of you without visible support, I wish you well and hope you can find hope and healing amongst us 'cyber' friends and supporters...Have a great weekend everybody - janice

Artista964 · December 2018

jade, have you thought about setting up a GoFundMe and posting the link. If anyone is struggling with just the basic necessities like food, some here may be able to help. Not everyone is struggling financially. Best wishes.

JenCanDoThis · December 2018

Jadedjo, I just read this whole thread. I feel you and understand so much of how you feel. I'm not in a good mental place to get into the details of my situation other than to say I'm single, childless, and waiting on biopsy results. I recently went to an Al-anon meeting and I did feel very welcomed and understood. As a Florida/Georgia girl, I simply don't know how y'all deal with the winters. I want to send you warmth and sun. As much as we both might be ready to check out sometimes, we still hang on so far. It's interesting. We are both trying to get healthier and hang in here. I think there's a reason resilient and blunt chicks like us don't give up. Hardheaded? Or maybe we have a role to fill. I'm not a big g God girl but still think there's something bigger than me. I often feel slighted in this life but also hang on to the little things like crocheting. Sometimes I think all of my struggles serve to better help others deal with theirs. Maybe that's my path. This whole thread has been so thoughtful. I appreciate your honesty and rawness.

ceanna · December 2018

((((Hugs)))) to everyone! Hoping your weekend goes well!! Ceanna

Jadedjo · December 2018

Arolsson

Thank you deeply.I'm sorry to hear you are at stage 1V, that's a journey nobody should have to walk especially with little to no supports. Wish they would find the cure.

I know what you mean about the paperwork. I put my friends name but I don't really want to put that burden on her especially since we are a distance away from each other. She has a witnessed letter with my final wishes in case the worse happens.

I don't consider myself a breast cancer survivor even though the doctors say the bmx essentially "cured" me of the cancer. I say as ofthis moment I am NED (No Evidence of Disease) and I will keep saying that until if/when there is a reoccurrence.

I'm truly not wanting to fix this freak show for others. I am so disgusted with my body right now it's not even funny., I shouldn't feel my breast popping in and out like an opened jar lid or when I put my hand under my breast feel the implant all crinkled up. I swear I can feel edges. I shouldn't have this freaky looking bump that's obviously the tip of the implant they gave me poking out the side of my breast. It's like they gave me half filled implants and two different kinds in each side.I'm not expecting miracles but a reconstructed breast should feel and look as close to a breast as possible,not this mess I have.and that's what is upsetting me I feel and look like they half filled cheap baggies full of liquid then just tossed em in there and that was it. He also used the implants I didn't want because I knew this was going to happen. Horrible chest protrusions and obvious pointy tips.(on one side)and that puts me into a rage because I said multiple times I didnt want implants that would be too big because I hate my large breasts (and guess who's still the same size as she was before surgery so I sacrificed my nipples for nothing) and I hate torpedo boobs which is exactly what I got although they are starting to be droopy torpedo boobs so that's...interesting..,i know I should consider myself very lucky that it seems they got the cancer but all I can think is I was a fat ogre before this and now I'm a fat ogre frankenboob Barbie .i didn't think I could feel uglier then I did before but I do and that's doing way more damage then the physical surgery ever did.My apologies for the rant it's a touchy subject for me right now especially since I discovered my plastic surgeon is likely fatphobic.

I hope things will go as well as possible for you.

Janky

Thank you for your well wishes. I also wish you well and hope things are going well for you.

Rosebella

I have seen too many people abuse the go fund me thing and promised myself I would only go that route if I was in dire straits like literally a month or two away from homeless or losing my belongings in a fire and needing to pay my deductible to get my apt insurance cause there is no way I can pay that chunk of money without help and the way my luck is going I may eventually need to go that route so I'm keeping it to "really really bad"situations.thank you for the suggestion.

Jencandothis

Thank you.fingers crossed that the biopsy results are the best they can possibly be. As for winters it's not like we have much choice so we bundle up in layers and hope it ends sooner then later ,lol. Hoping you get good news.

I know what you mean by slighted,I've started calling myself cursed1 on game sites on my apps because I truly feel like I have been cursed.

Thank you, I know sometimes I am too honest and blunt but pretending to be something I'm not to please other people has never worked out for me so I'm more "take me as I am or go away" now.

Ceanna

Hugs back, hope things are going well for you.

So a little better news update: I might have mentioned I was having a bad nighttime acid regurgitation flare up for the past couple of months to the point I was back on gravol nightly and constantly bolting up to keep things down. It's cost me my sleep.a lot.I started noticing that the spasming was happening around the bra band area so last night I just put on a sleeveless undershirt instead of a bra under my nightie. No regurgitation,no need for gravol. I am both pissed and grateful.grateful I found out what was causing the majority of the flare up and pissed that once again my body is being a twaddle. A bra band causing so much misery?!? Seriously ?!?

Also a little better news update: did my first work out since end of September today.full strength training workout with 1 pound weights aiming for 5 of the 7 days in the coming week and then aiming for daily with 2 pound weights by Xmas barring illness that knocks me on my keister that is. Flu season here. No pain just a few aches that come from going to sedentary to exercising in the space of a day.mostly legs and my bad shoulder.

Sadly when I put in my workout bra it was just as tight on the boobs as it was before surgery so that is evidence right there I am the same size as I was before surgery and I lost my nipples for nothing. Since I'm over the two month mark I should be showing signs of swelling going down and nothing except a droop is happening. Imagine armed wrinkled torpedoes slightly drooping and you got an idea of what my chest looks like right now. Yep.

Best wishes and blessed be to all.

eggroll · December 2018

I really struggled through my treatment and afterward noticed the depression stalking me. How could I go through surgeries and radiation and all the side effects of the Tamoxifen followed by AI's only to throw it all away? I started to wrestle with the truth that no one gets out of this world alive. We've been given a gift of more time most likely, how will we use it? Yes, sometimes I still want to have control and we know what the ultimate control is...my friend's sister killed herself after successfully winning her battle over ovarian cancer. So many first responders and veterans commit suicide as well after coming through the horror, they embrace a new kind of horror. It's very damaging to those left behind...it makes it more likely for others to follow your example...It just can't be an option! Please consider going to church, getting to the gym, setting goals, planning a vacation or trip, write in a journal, give yourself nourishing food and water...keep busy! See a professional if you can't beat these thoughts! You are precious and worthwhile. Think of when you were a little child, that child is still inside of us... and that child is lovable and needs care!

Amica · December 2018

thanks eggroll, those are wise words.

One good thing finally happened to me. My regular oncologist was away and so at my most recent appointment the doctor substituting for her happened to be the Head of Oncology. I expressed the fact that I don't like or trust my current oncologist, and he assigned me a new one! I meet with her later this month. Having an onc I didn't have faith in was making everything more difficult. So, one little bright spot.

wishing you all well,

Amica

Infobabe · December 2018

We always find out these things too late but it looks like we should put our wishes about reconstruction or no reconstruction, in writing with all the doctors signing it. Maybe it would be possible on "informed consent." But I would want a hard copy.

I think all hospitals should have a patient advocate, such as an experienced RN. Some one who knows the ropes and will take our side.

SandiBeach57 · December 2018

Jadejo, you have expressed your pain so eloquently. Keep writing. I am listening.

ceanna · December 2018

How's everyone doing? Just checking in and providing hugs!!! Blessings for a good week! Ceanna

Jadedjo · December 2018

Egg roll

I dont find life a gift, I find it a curse.i been fighting to survive for years and then I get the words "it's cancer". To keep busy like you say you tend to need money. Tried journaling, I've tried everything where you don't need money really and it doesn't help. Can't plan for anything when I don't even know what the next month is going to being financially.When I was a child I was dealing with an alcoholic father and a mother that would snap at any little thing so I try not to think of my childhood. In fact I think of it so little I've blocked most of it out. I never had any childhood innocence I can think back on and use. mostly I remember the fear and the loneliness. I am seeing a professional but I feel even she has given up on me. Nice words and the may work for some but not everybody can utilize them. Just saying.

Amica

You are very lucky I've been trying to get a new shrink but nobody wants to refer me so I'm just out here on my own with a counsler who I'm pretty sure ha given up on me considering we are seeing each other less during the most horrible time of year for me. Hopefully this new oncologist will be the "one" that will help you get through this the best and most successful way you can. Fingers crossed it's a good meeting and you can trust this one. Take care.

Infobabe

I wish I had taped the sessions so I could prove how he did this huge turn around and the insulting thing he said when I talked about my reaction to antibiotics. I Kick myself to this day that I didn't ask to record them. My fault I put my trust in the fact the doctor would follow my wishes as best as possible and I should know better by now to trust any doctor.

Sandibeach57

Thank you very much.

Ceanna

Thank you. Hugs to you

Usual depressing update:

Holidays are starting to bring me down real low. My usual escapes aren't working. I'm strongly reminded of how little money I have and this year don't have any of the "extras" that I had last year to get me through so xmas meal is more then likely gonna be porridge and eggs if I got any eggs left. I should have enough food to get me to next check ( man I hope)not gonna be much but should. There was an incident at the apt tonight that makes me realize I need to move from this crap show but being this is one of the cheapest places in the city that won't be happening. I'm More likely to end up homeless at this point with food prices and rent going up. It depends what the next 6 months bring. I can't cancel internet or phone because I would have to pay full amount left on the contracts so I can't save money there and may the gods help me i may actually go insane if I can't access online because it may not help all the time but it does help sometime.It's not like I got all that much in life.i don't want to start looking for work until revisions have been done and healed because newbies don't really get time off when they are just starting out.

Mostly I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to survive this damn holiday season in the worst year of my life (cumalitive as in the full year, my parents dying were bad years as horrible events that happened in them but this year it's been one bad thing after another non stop) first my birthday was a crap show with a melted KitKat to show for it and now I'm going to be scraping by with what's left in the cupboards (and fridge) hopefully something for xmas. I'm not so bad I need to go begging for help but I'm close. I just want to give up at this point. I'm tired and not just physically.

ETA: dang twitchy finger didn't mean to hit post until I said thank you,well wishes and blessed be to all who post or read this. Thank you.

Jadedjo · December 2018

Yep! Remember when I said it could always get worse? Got worse.

guess who just started bleeding/leaking fluid from the intersection of scars on her breast. The left side also known as the problem frankenboob since day one.Should have known it's been feeling "off" for awhile.

So ya this here's the new update and my will to live has pretty much hit the crapper after getting a slight lift because I had started working out again. Very light and only twice the past week but it was something and I was about to start doing it daily. I do t think you guys realized how much I needed to succeed at doing this again.and once again my body ruins things for me. I probably have to wait until this heals until I can do any involved movements like workouts again.

Something I could focus on to take my mind off the holidays. Now that's gone. It may seem minute in the grand view of things but I don t think people realize how much I needed that distraction/focus in my life during his month. I'm almost at two and half months post surgery I shouldn't be popping tiny holes in my scars at this point and leaking blood and fluid. It would be nice if something could go right for me and my plans stop blowing up in my face all the time, you know?

MCBaker · December 2018

Just before surgery, my computer died. I had no telephone as a result (Magic Jack). I called my internet provider, and arranged for phone service through them. Then I tried to port my phone number to the provider, but MJ had a waiting period, which I tried to get waived. I fought this for weeks, angry. I had just paid for MJ (yearly, something like 40$). At the same time as this, I was using my Kindle fire to do everything my computer could do, and it froze up. That night I went to bed, depressed and angry and frustrated as hell. The next morning it had run out of battery and reset itself, and everything was cool. Except for no computer.

Then, I lost my keys. Luckily, I have two more apartment keys, so could make do. But I had to spend hours waiting for the mail, because I had also lost my mailbox key. I also lost my mobility scooter key. But found an online vendor, who seemed to know something about that scooter; probably that the charity that rehabs scooters here had ordered a key for it five months ago. Ordered a mailbox key, and will be able to make payments on that.

Amazon had a two generations advanced Kindle fire on sale for a reasonable price, so I ordered one, just in case my other Kindle would balk again, permanently. Wiped the old one and put it in a Christmas box for my daughter. Finally accepted the new phone number (I was getting e-mail messages from MJ that people had left a message on my old phone number).

Then my sister offered me a computer that they had had for several years, but I had to wait for 11 days for her to be able to deliver it.

Right now I am frustrated, reading that the biggest controllable variable in all this is exercise. It is too cold outside, and I have no transportation. All available venues for exercise are too far to negotiate on scooter, and taxi fares, while reasonable, would cost too much for round trips twice a week-- I am saving for a trip to see family and my son, was planning on it in January, but now it will be February, after chemo has settled into a routine. I haven't seen my son for more than three years. My daughter is busy making her way through college, and does not have enough money to make the trip, either. But, you know what? I have survived thus far, I can continue, because I have established good relationships with those in my church community, and with the quilting club associated with another church. I will discuss my transportation problem with the OT I will be seeing on Friday.

Jade, just remember that you can survive this. I could tell you the story of my life. I could get angry at the injustices and bad events, but that prevents me from solving one problem at a time, and surviving.

Some people may not seem to care, because they are having trouble accepting the pain and injustices in your life. Sometimes it is difficult for people in the helping professions to accept. You should be able to get some antidepressant meds from your personal care physician. Psychiatrists are good, but when one is not available, most PCP's have enough training in the area, especially when they work with the individual's counselor.

Jadedjo · December 2018

Mcbaker

Thanks but honestly I'm looking at your post and thinking getting by with just my kindle? I've never been able to afford one.mostly you reminded me how deeply poor I am.not your fault I know I'm just a little more sensitive about it this time of year.

I am pretty sure I know where you were going with it,everybody has problems and when it rains it tends to pour but all I am seeing is I bought new kindle on sale, sister gave me her computer, Daughter can't travel, all which tell me you are way more blessed then I am in some parts of your life. Not all but some.

I live on my iPhone because my own computer is going to explode any day now and I only use it once a month for a couple of things that can only be done on a computer. My phone is not recent it and it was free with the contract I Signed myself into which I probably shouldn't have but it's also my main form of communication. I don't talk a lot in the real world.proably why I blabber on here. Yes I pay internet because otherwise I would be using data to do online stuff I do daily and paying twice what I am now for internet. I spend each month asking which am I going to sacrifice this month to gets what is needed, my grocery money or bill money? December was grocery so thus I'm having oatmeal and maybe eggs for xmas. Depends how much money I have left next Friday, if any. Can't afford a haircut, can't afford a hair dye to cover the silver streaks so I can look in the mirror and not flinch cause the hair is real bad right now like in that in between place when it's growing out cant afford to buy ahead in toiletries, can't afford to buy bulk in food or store it actually.

Money may not buy you happiness but it can get you darn close. 65% of my problems would be solved if I could win the big jackpot in a lottery...if I actually played it...and could afford it...Ya no lottery win in my future.

Don't need shrink for antidepressants they don't work except to make things worse I need the shrink to refer me to possible programs available cause they are the only ones who can, if programs still exist. lots of cutbacks here. Truth is I needed more emotional help now as I'm sure you can tell then I need other times of the year. It's a bad time for a lot of people but it's mental torture for me. The fact that my counsler is seeing me less and she can see the state I'm in gives me less trust in her. I get it, it's a busy time of year for her and people like her. And I'm pretty much too far gone at this stage mentally.

I dont have balance anymore until five years ago it was equal good or bad for the most part. Although the bad definetly was not all that equal to the good or should I say the good wasn't that good. The ppast five years it's been mostly bad and the good doesn't put much weight on the scale. No balance. I've spent the past five years living in hell surviving day to day I finally got to the point where I thought " oh now I can start climbing my way out" instead I discovered that I ended up in a much deeper inescapable hell. My life has been "I'll give it one or two more years" until my dad died to " I'm scraping by trying to survive but one more year it can't be bad for long,can it?" The past five years and now in 2018 I've hit " I can't survive another year, it's never getting better. why am I still here?" So that's where I'm at. Will to live in the crapper. Had a little spark working out again but once again my pathetic body has ruined it for me. You wouldn't believe how much of the bad in my life has been my body betraying me in some way. I should have gave up the day I hit puberty cause that's when it went all wrong.

So I've completely lost the plot here but there you go.

Thank you for your response.

ETA: worrisome enough that I have to go to the clinic.joy.

MCBaker · December 2018

Yes, Jade, I understand totally. With all I am going through right now, I have it good, compared to some other periods in my life. Again, I will not bore you with the details. The past has given me the strength to know that if I resolve one problem at a time, I will survive.

Salamandra · December 2018

Ugh Jadejo I'm so sorry for the new setback. That is not fair and not reasonable and I hate that you have to deal with it.

ceanna · December 2018

JJo, sorry to hear you're experiencing another healing issue. I had hoped you were past that one. Gentle hugs and warm wishes for good outcomes from your clinic visit.

Moderators · December 2018

Jadejo, we are all very sorry for what you are experiencing. You are certainly not alone. A cancer diagnosis, financial struggles, the holidays, loneliness, etc. can make one very weary. In addition to the many other suggestions that have been made, have you tried to get welfare? https://www.usa.gov/benefits

We aren't sure what more to suggest or say, but we are sorry that you are going through so much and do hope you can increase or change your counseling to receive additional professional guidance during these difficult times.

Egads007 · December 2018

For Jadedjo and any other struggling Canadians...

Canadian benefits finder - http://www.canadabenefits.gc.ca/f.1.2c.6.3z.1rdq.5.2st.3.4ns@.jsp?lang=en

Artista964 · December 2018

jade, are there any free support groups there? Dont remember is this was mentioned. Here you can find a support group in many places, including some hospitals. From them you can form friendships. It has helped me get help where i have none since my fam is not near.

Snickersmom · December 2018

So sorry your recon is giving you problems. I hope it can be resolved for you so that you are comfortable with yourself and how you feel and look.

I truly hope you will take the suggestions above and try to get help. There are agencies who can help you, regardless of where you live.

I know you are struggling with many issues, but I am reminded of those with Stage IV Mets who would give anything to be able to make it to Christmas, and eat an egg and porridge. We've just lost another 5 that I know of and another in Hospice as I write this. Many times I find myself feeling depressed about my life and what I've lost, but then I remember that they would love to be in my/our shoes.

If nothing else, you have a huge community of women on BCO who are putting their own very difficult issues and feelings aside and offering support.

Jadedjo · December 2018

Mcbaker

Good luck to you in your journey.

Salamandra

Thank you.At clinic right now

Ceanna

Thank you deeply.

Moderators

I'm already in disability assistance. Ask anyone on it and they will tell you with cost of living it's not enough, cost of living goes up but your funds don't. So you choose between a place to live or food most times unless you find a place like where I am now that's mostly clean and cheap. Well it was. There isn't anything to say everybody told me to post in one place so they don't have to go searching so this is where I post any updates. It is what it is. thank you for the link someone else might need it one day.

Egads007

Thanks for the link looks like get the only ones I qualify for sadly. Wish I could find something. Hopefully somebody can find something for themselves.

Rosabella

Thanks but the only one I qualified for i am in and it's almost to an end. It's not ongoing it's short term. I'm trying to put my name on lists for free programs though. A lot are sadly getting cut.

Snickersmom

Really, is this what your going to do all the time. PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THEN YOU,THEY WOULD GOVE ANYTHING. TO BE IN YOUR SITUATION!Yep I know that. Very much aware of that. People told me to update in one place so that's what I am doing. You already said you hate posts like these so why are you back,going over the same thing you said before.

Thanks

Lost my will to live

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