Lost my will to live

Jadedjo · November 2018

Thanks for answering.No the only medication I'm on is the one for my acid reflux so I don't think it's medication related.

Ironically I was still going through the worst of the acid reflux when I applied and started, main reason I asked to go part time because I was so weak but part time classes are only available at certain times of the year so between that and an issue with the people who were so supposed to be my practicum ( who said they were ok with me being part time then changed their minds over two weeks in and said unless I went full time they couldn't keep me on)so there went my practicum for the next few months because the stress of realizing I wasn't going to finish my practicum in the time I had set for my plans set off a flare up wasn't as bad as the original but I lived on gravol nightly (I could deal with the nausea during the day but it got worse at night)for close to year for a reason.

people tell me to stop being so lazy and start working to support myself. I Amy actually end up in jail one day for my response to that. I would give everything to be able to wake up in the morning after a night of actual sleep instead of the sleep wake up a few minutes, sleep wake up a few minutes after spending hours trying to actually fall asleep. I've tried all the "tricks". Nothing really works. I'm not lazy I have chronic illnesses that can't been seen, I might look ok but I'm really really not.

I would give anything to be able to just jump on the bus easily instead of waiting 90 min to see what kind of day it's going to be and if it's going to be a bad one can I suck it up buttercup and still get at least one or two errands done or do I just throw in the towel and call it a day trapped at home. I would give anything just to be able to put in a days work and not feel like death walking while asking why can't I win the damn jackpot on a lottery?!? (The answer would be because I don't buy tickets cause I consider it a waste of money I can use for something else) still ask it because sometimes I do buy a ticket from the few bucks I collect in my change can if it's a big one so like a ticket every 8 months .don't even win a free play). I would give anything to have my health back before I hit puberty and screwed up hormones ruined my life with one little thing after another until it gave me breast cancer. Except for tonsils I was a very healthy kid until I hit 12 and my first cycle started which lead to the anemia issues because tmi I was damn near hemorraging every month.

I'm not in that large amount of pain daily yet more annoying twinges and aches but I'm not really sure how much I can handle bwfore I need medication compared to others. I've had some doctors tell me mine must be pretty damn high if I'm not taking pain killers regularly.

the ps nurse was shocked I was off all painkillers except the occasional reg strength Advil when swelling acts up for pretty much two weeks now.i was just going "isn't that normal?" All confused at her reaction. Sadly that's cause I've had a lifetime of some kind of physical pain with a strong aversion to pain medication so it's a learned skill to endure it rather then treat it more then anything else. I expect there's gonna be a day in my life eventually where it's gonna be more then I can handle in some shape or form and I will have to give into taking something regularly and learn daily pain management.

Constant daily nausea has been with me since 2015 to varying degrees of intensity though I still have a couple of "normal" days too but I eye them warily wondering what is going on and is it the calm before the storm. Some days I don't eat because anything heavier then water would come up, even rarer days I feel like I did before the gut issues. I miss those days. It's better then it was in 2015 but in 2015 I was unable to eat for almost four months so anything is better then then.doctors would not give me anything for it other then a prescription antacid pill when I kept saying I rarely have stomach pain I just feel like I'm going to hurl everything I've eaten the past ten years on a daily basis I need an antinauseant nope wouldn't give me anything. I took gravol every 4 hours which I had to buy with my own money over the counter and honestly wasn't strong enough.probably responsible for me not tossing my cookies regularly but did nothing to the nausea feeling itself. Even now some days it's barely there just a little iffy feeling and then some days it's that heavy horrible weight with a giant ball at the back of your throat.

and this long explanation your seeing ONE of the many reasons but possibly even the main one I'm saying no to chemo and tamoxifen. I put a knife to my wrist during those months I couldn't eat because I couldn't take feeling sick anymore with the daily nausea that had me sleeping sitting up with my back to the wall, when I started getting better I vowed I would rather die then go back to that feeling again. And chemo it's guaranteed and everything in my body tells me same thing with reaction to tamoxifen. I've tried all the acid reflux meds I have no other avenue to explore there so no it wouldn't be controlled,it's not controlled now on what I'm on,just reduced. The chemicals from both treatments would just send me back to that place so I'm dead either way. At least this way it will be with some quality of life until it gets to the point I can utilize the right to die law we have here. If it still exists at that point. Remember I said one of, there's more then one reason.

Enjoy your wine! I am hoping and sending out vibes that you start getting more good days then bad and eventually maybe even real good days.take care.

And I got long winded here, sorry all.

Jadedjo · November 2018

Backing up vslush here, wrenn.

Hope things went well and news was good.

ceanna · November 2018

Hi JJo. Yes, unfortunately, many of us feel like we go from one doctor's appointment to the next. Seems to go in streaks with 3-4 a month to 3-4 months without appointments. I hope to stay reasonably healthy this winter and avoid appointments, but my annual mammogram is coming up soon which always leads to a little anxiety.

Hope you are busy working on knitting. Sounds cozy. I'm going to try to read the rest of today. (((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))!!

Jadedjo · November 2018

so far I got two this month and oncologist will probably be end of month or beginning of December, I also need to see my family doctor cause they screwed up the refills for my stomach medication. So possibly four in the same month and I'm hoping that's the most I go in one month. I have my first blood test since my surgery coming up so that should be .... interesting... although surgeon said they only took one node so if it's getting difficult to find a place to get blood just use the usual right arm cause the risk is small and I shouldn't be getting poked full of holes when I got an arm that can give it up easily. So I guess silver lining and hope they are able to some blood without major issues.

Hope your book is enjoyable, I been watching leverage and trying to get used to the time change here. Everything feels off. Hugs back to you.

Spoonie77 · November 2018

Hey JJO - missed your response earlier. Sorry bout that. Been an awful day here. Many tears. Uggh.

Suffice it to say I can relate to your reasoning for choosing no chemo and no tamox. I completely understand. I'm delaying on my own Tamox until I can see my MO again. I just have a "feeling", like you describe, that it will alter my quality of life so dramatically that it will shift me back to the year 2015 and the dark place I escaped from...barely. So, IMO, stick to your guns and keep following your alternative therapy. Most western meds have failed me as it pertains to my other illnesses and conditions, so I've gone homeopathic with much of my own therapy. I know you've mentioned alternative strategies instead of the "normal" routes for the cancer, can I ask what those are? Am just curious. I see my homeopath on Thursday and would like to see if she knows about them. I'm always looking to exchange rx meds for alternatives.

Oh, and about chronic illnesses that can't be seen, I'm sorry you have to deal with those too. They are such a burden. I get accosted routinely for parking in a handicap spot, despite having my placard up. They tell me I look fine and I'm young, are you sure you're not using your dads' placard? Uggh. I've had people (I KID YOU NOT!) follow me into a store and tell me they called the police on me and that it was so rude of me to park there when I didn't need it. It's awful. I get reverse age-ism and people assume because I look fine, I am not disabled. Yet, "lucky" me I am. Invisible illnesses suck. I'm sorry your part of the ever growing community.

Anyway, thanks for sharing so much about your struggles and how it's led you here. You have been through so much, yet, you are still "you". That's a gift. Some people, when they struggle and shut down, become robots of sort. It seems you have kept so much of your human self alive and thriving. Kudos to you, even if it's just the occasional bright light passing by, as in, I noticed your "iPhone.iFatfingers.iAuttocorrect.iSorry." signature --- made me crack up! The dark humor gets me every time, most likely because I have a similar streak!

Hope you enjoyed your Leverage episodes.

Jadedjo · November 2018

Spoonie77

I'm so sorry this day had you in tears, I hope things improve.

Right now due to financial issues I cannot afford to go down homeopath or full on alternative treatment like herbals and supplements.nothing major,like I'm trying to avoid pills, that anything that can help me other then tamoxifen is a bonus. My body can handle the natural stuff better then I do synthetics.around here diet change and exercise is also considered alternative treatment by some because it doesn't follow the pop a pill thing.its also highly frowned upon.

I saw people react to my ex friend who was in her early 30's so I've seen it and she used a cane. It's like they couldn't believe someone her age could have a disability. They expected her to move more quickly because she was so young but due to her illness she was unable to move quickly. Though she did hit a pretty darn good stride once she got used to the cane if I say so.

My dark humour has gotten me through some hard dark times.first thing I said to my counsler when I went to see her after diagnosis was "whelp now I don't need to feel guilty about taking a cancer patients place cause I am one"

I do shut down like a robot during crisis moments like when I lost my dad then my mom. It was a mindset of "I gotta get crap done I have no time to break down until it's all over" and then I shut down completely except for my snark.

I did enjoy and finish leverage and now am watching first season of The Unit while working on the scarf got about a foot and a half into the scarf I realized I wasn't going to have enough wool to get it as long as I want and had to start over. Ah Such is the life as a crocheter that doesn't follow the pattern to tee. I had made mine triple the size suggested but thought it way too small and now it's down to twice the size, it looks now more like a scarf and I've already hit the point where I stopped in the other one so it's going faster too so I may actually finish before we hit the minus double digits.also it's been awhile since I've crocheted I used to have it down to a science.hopefully it will be as long as I want it too.

I was tempted to put "SQUIRREL!! "But decided to put an explanation for all my typing mistakes instead. I reread and I still miss half.

Take care, hope tommorow is better.

Best wishes.

WC3 · November 2018

Jadedjo:

I hope you post a photo of the scarf when you are finished with it. I would love to see it.

Bubblebeard · November 2018

I can relate to so much of what you're saying! I feel like I live at the doctor's. If it's not the oncologist then it's my primary care for my auto immune crap. Always something. The other day my kid was home sick from school and ended up having to take him to my psychiatrist appointment. It was kind of hard trying to talk to the psychiatrist in code so I didn't scare the hell out of my six-year-old. But you do what you gotta do I guess.

As far as crocheting goes… the only time I tried to crochet anything was when I was pregnant. I was really Insistent on getting A white and blue baby blanket done. I did a few rows, so we always joked instead of making a baby blanket I made a baby scarf🤦♀️

ceanna · November 2018

Hope everyone is having a day of being there for others and blessings for yourself. (((((Hugs))))))

KCMC · November 2018

Hi Jaded, how are things going? I am healing from nipple recon, watching the silly election coverage here in the US. Tomorrow I am back to driving so that is good. Thank you ceanna ((hugs )) to everyone.

Jadedjo · November 2018

WC3

I've tried to post stuff but instead of inserting file the page just refreshes and nothing gets posted.

I'm more then half done by now and if i work at it everyday will be done by the weekend.

Bubblebeard

I got four this month including the first one with the oncologist that I'm not in an all fired hurry to get to. I don't need to hear "if you don't take this pill you're probably going to die" for the thousandth time. I already know that. This is me, not caring. There are many reasons I don't care and I don't see it changing in the time I see the onc, this happened at the wrong time when i was already on the edge of giving up. It pretty much tipped me over.

I used to make baby blankets all the time when I thought I still had a chance of having a baby . Could finish them in two weeks.I think the last ones I made were for my friend over 3 years ago when she had hers and it took me forever. I gave away the majority of them to the charity place when I moved to this apt because I guess deep down I knew it wasn't going to happen. I kept a couple of the giant granny square toddler blankets cause they were large enough to use as throws ( or nap blankies when I'm sick)but the rest strangers have now. My friend was the same way she decided to make a bigger one for her first kid that they could use as they grew older when she had them and I think they were 7 when she finished. (Don't want to use a gender pronoun for their privacy)Made sense to me she had way more reponsibilities that took up her time then I did so not much time to devote to a hobby project.

Hope your little one is feeling better and that you don't catch it. Take care

Ceanna

Thank you,hope your day is going well.

Kcmc

These days I answer that question with a "I'm getting by" because gongs are not fine or ok. I'm still breathing and I woke up this morning so I'm ahead. Cheers for the ok for for driving!

I think I might bounce around the office like tigger once they give the ok for me to start working out again. Still working on the purple monster and over halfway done, start using the wool from the one I had to frog tommorow so if I work on it two hours a day I should be done by the weekend. Thankfully I have all four seasons of The Unit so I can crochet while watching.

If it's as warm wrapped around my head face as it feels laying on my legs I think i don't have to worry about frostbite this winter.hope the healing is going well and quickly.

Best wishes and hugs to everyone as well.

KCMC · November 2018

Hi, thanks for the cheers on driving, really appreciate it, I hate depending on people. I would love to see a picture of the final product once done, purple is my favorite color. I am so jealous of all my friends who can crochet and knit. My mother in law can go on for hours doing it and she finds it calms her mind and relaxes her. Healing is going well, back to the Plastic Surgeon on Friday. Still second guessing my choice here, I won't see the "finished product" till Friday - I am dreading looking at it because I know the swelling etc will take a couple of months to go down. When I first had my DIEP May of 2017 it took til February of 2018 for all the incisions to close and swelling to go down. I really just want to put this behind me. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get cleared to start working out, I know I feel better when exercising. Take care

Jadedjo · November 2018

WC3

Thank you

I used to be the same way, I could crochet for hours and my mom said I barely looked down at the stitches because I did it so much I could do it by feel and experience. These days I have to look.

Hoping things look ok and the final "product" is what you were hoping to get.take care

Best wishes

ceanna · November 2018

I used to crochet a lot also but kind of lost interest after a couple of large projects. Glad you can make a warm scarf that doubles as a coverlet while you make it!!! Keep warm. ((((Hugs))))

Jadedjo · November 2018

Ceanna

Thank you

Infobabe · November 2018

Jade, I have read all the posts and I hesitate to add my 2 cents. It would seem gratuitous. But I have this to say.

I think many have had depression whereby we did not want to live. I had spinal meningitis 15 years ago and was in a coma for a week. When I came to, I wanted to go back to oblivion. It seemed so peaceful there. I came back to tubes coming and going all over my body, a raging yeast infection, and a sprained ankle, but mostly my son and wife were getting a divorce. Harder on me than them. It took me two years to regain my equilibrium. Since then I have seen my grandsons grow to be fine young men, so living was worth it. Besides that, I cannot take Ace Inhibitors (blood pressure) because if I had to take those the rest of my life, I would take my life. It has awful effects on my brain chemistry. Brain chemistry is the key. I have found that walking outdoors always lifts my mood.

My point is that I think your frame of mind is situational. I know you have tried to change your situation but have met defeat. But don't stop trying. Keep exploring new ideas. I don't recall if you are employed. That would get you up and out every day, seeing people.

Although scientists say that there must be intelligent life out there somewhere in the universe, the fact is, we have no evidence of it. Having conscious life on this planet, even if painful, it a great privilege. Don't throw it away.

Artista964 · November 2018

some people like myself need to be on meds for life. I was suicidal and have been hospitalized. I was the lowest you can go. Took awhile to find the right one and it wasn't easy but I'm more stable. Meds and therapy work great together. I have my days but the edge has been taken off to where I don't fall down.

Spoonie77 · November 2018

Hey JJO - been a really rough patch here on my end but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you! Hoping the scarf is nearing completion! We have snow here and my pond is icing over. Winter is here! Uggggh! Hoping you stay warm and are enjoying your newest bingeworthy tv! I'm enjoying this season of American Horror Story - I'm a sucker for witches and magic and what have you! Anyway, just wanted to tell you I was thinking of you and sending you a dark humor joke or too! (((((hugs))))

ceanna · November 2018

((((Hugs))))) to everyone. The stories you tell are ones of hope and courage. Blessings!! Have a great weekend and keep warm!!!

Jadedjo · November 2018

Infobabe

Thanks for your response but I saw keywords in your post that will never be in my vocabulary:son and grandchildren. Things to live for. Things I will never have. There is no grateful to be alive moment in my future. Everything I could have been grateful for has been taken from me.

You may see life as a privilege but I see it as a curse. I wake up everyday in misery and pain, my pain may not be mainly physical yet but it still hurts as much as if I was. Work does nothing for me bit pay the bills and the past few years just completely tire me out dealing with people.its become a burden more then a help.

It's hard to explain to people that haven't been there or are there.

Rosebella

Thanks but I've tried medications, it's not for me.

I'm saying no to tamoxifen due to the fact I know I will experience every side effect (yes my system is that sensitive) so imagine what antidepressants will do.

Actually I don't need to imagine I've already been through it. More then once.No so called magic pill is gonna make me better. It's just gonna turn me completely apathetic so I just won't care....about anything.. at all. Not even the little things that give me some pleasure I'm just not going to feel emotions, period. One might think it's a good thing but it's really not. I'm glad it worked for you but it doesn't work for evrybody just makes things worse.

Spoonie77

Hugs to you.Hope your rough patch was short lived and things have gotten better.we have had non stop snowfall for days. I'm already done with winter and we haven't even started but I'm like that every year. Not my favourite season. Yes,Scarf is almost done then I just got to wash on my wash day and use just in time cause we have started hitting the minus double digits with windchill.

Heh, I been watching the Netflix series Sabrina on Netflix in between my DVD stuff.thank you of thinking of me. I've been thinking of you and hoping you will start getting more good days then bad.

Ceanna

Hugs back to you and thank you for your well wishes to all on here.

Small update:

I knew my decision of no further treatment except lifestyle change wouldn't make me all that popular but I'm considering quitting group because it's very starkly obvious that I'm odd man out among the rest of them. I mean I get it, I do and I even understand why but I'm tired of being an outsider just because I chose to march to my own drum.

It's happened all my life and at this point in my life I'm pretty much "screw this im done trying". The reason I joined the group was to make connections of people in this situation and it's pretty obvious even this early that there aren't going to be any.im not sure I want to go through the next weeks feeling like an unwanted outsider.again. It's a lifelong thing really. The lifetime price paid when you tend not to follow "normal" conventions. I'm more of a "if I think your path is interesting enough I might shuffle down it a skootch and see what's what but if I don't like it I'm gonna be skipping along my own path"

I don't think they purposely do it but that's where it stands right now and I'm on the fence about returning. If I do go back my participation will prob be bare minimal from here on out due to the fact my situation is starkly different from the others due to my choice so I'm not sure it's even worth it. end of update. Sadly they never seem to be happy ones. Also thanks to the cold weather I've discovered how implants feel in the cold. I'm tempted to strap on heat packs to the frankenboobs when I leave the house because it's not even the worse cold it can get here more the norm until the holiday deep freeze hits, I'm also privately contemplating buying more wool and making an actual scarf for the frankenboobs. Ya they feel that weird.mostly what's stopping me (other then financial) is I'm at a loss to explain why I have a giant scarf wrapped around my upper body when I take my jacket off....

Spoonie77 · November 2018

Thanks JJO for thinking of me. It's not been good here.

"Short" side bar.... In order for me to even attempt (if I decide to) to take Tamox, I had to switch anti-depressants. Cymbalta --> Pristiq. It's not gone good. I've made switches before, but this one is off the charts bad. SEs are REEEEdiculous! 2 weeks in and I feel suicidal --- before everyone jumps the gun here --- I am not sucidial. Do not want to die. Have things I'm looking forward to and even though fighting this damn cancer, I'm "staying afloat". I just mean to say, that I've not had ANY thoughts like that (even my posts on your thread here to you JJO a couple of weeks ago show this) prior to this med switch and now out of NOWHERE they are here and it scares the HECK outta me. It is that SE they warn you of with anti-depressants, that some of them can INCREASE thoughts or cause suicidal ideation. Yeah, fun times to be here. NOT. Plus, if that wasn't bad enough, well my anxiety is through the roof since switching, my emotions are a rollercoaster, my depression feels unchecked, and I've had 7 migraines in 2 weeks. That's a S*** ton for me, my average is one or 2 at most a week. This Pristiq is awful and am awaiting word from my Pysch doc to advise me on whether we need to up dose or if this is one of those drugs that's just a no-no for me. If so, then I don't know what I do next as far as Tamox...need my anti-depressants to function.

End side bar....thanks for listening.

JO so sorry to hear about the Frankenboobies being cold on top of everything else! I had no idea that could be a thing! Welp, F@CK. Dark humor...maybe they can install some seasonal heaters for you??? You know, like changing tires for winter, maybe the FBs just need seasonal rotation of some sort or maybe a battery powered heating boob-muff (like ear muffs but for boobs obviously)? I like the idea of your boob scarf! Too hell with anyone who looks at you weird for wearing one. You're cold, you deserve to be warm and toasty, not feeling like you are freezing from the inside out! Maybe you could sew something up that you could insert resusable heating packs into, like bigger sized pockets in the FB Scarf or onto a comfy shirt?

Not sure what to say in regards to the support group experience. I've not been to any myself, in regards to BC as of yet, so I'm not much help there. However, I can relate to feeling like the outsider because of your choice of treatment path. I've felt similarly in other groups w/ regards to my Lyme Disease treatment choices and so on. I would hope they would make some type of effort to make you feel welcome, even though your path is different, yet people are human and what they don't live/don't understand is scary. Kudos though for going, at the very least. It's hard to meet up with any type of strangers, let alone start sharing personal history with them, and fearing judgement. Do you think you'll go again? Maybe they may warm up more a 2nd time? IDK.

Hang in there my friend and stay warm! Sending cozy coffee thoughts and piles of blankets and Frankenboobie scarf success thoughts your way! ((((JO)))))

Artista964 · November 2018

pristiq is effexor like. When i was switching off effexor to help with those flu like ses, i was put on pristiq before citalopram (celexa) I've been on for a few years now with no real ses thank God. Finding the right med is usually a long time coming because you need to give it a few weeks before saying it doesn't work. You could be reacting to an inactive ingredient too. I've tried most of what's out there since 1994. If you are really suicidal you need to find what works for you plus therapy. Group therapy for major depression is out there for free. Yes a pill won't be the answer but it takes the edge off. That with therapy and you can cope. I'm in the no friends, my fam around me I've distanced myself. I've been as low as you can go. 2011. Coworker took me to the er. 8 hours there. In ambulance going to psych hospital. Inpatient for a week. Started off thinking let me go but becane friends with folks who had schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. Went to groups with them and it did help along with fixing my meds.

Not going to say that I don't have days where I say why am I still here, same ole, but I have a pet guinea pig who adores me. Always smile when I look at her. While not a support animal, she is. And you may qualify to get one. It makes a big difference.

I'm on tamoxifen. Celexa and lexapro interfere hardly at all with it. Mo has me take ad in am and t at night so they absolutely don't interfere in that pathway they both use.

rosekatyrose · November 2018

So sorry you are going through this. I am in step one (just diagnosed). Don't give up on prayers. This is Satan's world and not God's doing. I am scared. I don't want chemo. I don't even know if I am going to take it. I have to go through the same thing. I am so depressed. Love and hugs to all of us for we are going through the same thing....IT STINKS! GOD LOVES YOU! I will be praying for you. I think we are all being tested at times, but then again, this is life. Know that you are not alone. So many of my family members suffered as you. Got abused, molested and felt alone. It's ok. Don't give up your faith. I haven't read the Bible since I got diagnosed. Time to pick it up again. Your story is compelling. God Bless!

Infobabe · November 2018

Jade, your response makes me sad. I wish I could just come and talk to you. From what you say, it makes me think that you might not be just situationally depressed but also biologically depressed. I hope some day soon you will come back to this page and tell something good that has happened to you.

ceanna · November 2018

JJo, good to hear from you. Sorry the group doesn't seem like a good fit, but I hope you continue to give it a try for a few more weeks. It's OK to just sit and not talk, and that sometime is just as beneficial as talking.

Nothing wrong with a blanket scarf to keep warm this winter and could be worn indoors. Take a look at these crocheted ones I found online. Sorry, couldn't find a purple one!!!

Hope a warmer weather streak is heading your way soon! (((Hugs)))) Ceanna

Sorry, had to edit as I couldn't get the pictures to display the first time.

hapa · November 2018

Hi Jo, just checking in again. I think your frankenboob scarf might be a great conversation piece. It might help you meet new people. New people who have the nerve to ask why you have a scarf for your boobs. Is your recovery still going well? Any update on the bedbug situation, or has that kind of died down? Is your landlord even doing anything about it?

Maybe instead of your breast cancer group, you can ask the therapist or nurse or whoever put you in the group to refer anyone who refuses treatments in the future to you. Start your own group of sorts.

I am surprised at how consistently cold my foobs are. I would think they'd be warm when I'm all bundled up in bed, but even then they're cold.

I figured out why I don't like my implants. They're too narrow. The bases are 10 and 10.4cm whereas my old boobs were 11.5 or 13cm, depending on which PS measured them. So I am missing somewhere between 2.1-5.1cm of boob on my chest and so my ribcage sticks out from behind them. They look so freaking weird, like a couple of lemons stuck on the middle of my chest. I don't know if I can get wider implants without going bigger in size. I don't really want to go bigger in size. Not sure what I'm going to do there but I have until the end of radiation to figure it out. Speaking of radiation, I have a rash all over my chest from either the rads or the mepitel that I put on to keep my skin from having a reaction to the rads. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were the mepitel? I think it is the mepitel.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling hopeless and the support group isn't working out for you very well. You still have us though. I hope we are at least some comfort. Take care.

Jadedjo · November 2018

Spoonie77

Thank you and a big polar bear hug back.Sorry to that the switch is not working out so well for you, I hope things level out and the medication starts working for you or your doctor can find a new better one. I have suicidal ideation on a regular basis since my life ha fallen deeper into the crapper, another of the many reasons I won't risk tamoxifen as some have mentioned it's happened to them while on it.

I live in a very cold climate with a massive windchill issue. I was told Ina place like this it can be an issue. More an annoyance then a pain but still an issue.

I've had a setback myself it appears the scarring under my breast is splitting open and is leaking blood drops and clear fluid. Tried getting ahold of the clinic nurse but it appears they have today off due to Remembrance Day falling on Sunday because no call back. I'm not going to urgent care and putting myself in a risky flu/cold virus filled environment so I taped some gauze on it, put on the long band surgical bra and am waiting until someone calls me back tommorow. It been almost six weeks this should not be happening NOW and I'm just done with this body I don't care anymore.im not in pain just a slightly achy irritation and feeling the fluid leak out occasionally it's not gushing it's more clear fluid then blood. the blood is mostly drops here and there on the gauze like when you dab a bleeding pimple. I got gauze to protect will be changing it again before bed and I'm wearing a compression bra it's good enough to get me to tommorow and keep me out of the germ filled ER ward.

the irony is I feel so bloated like I'm a overinflated balloon but the scale says I lost almost ten pounds. I literally threw my hands up in the air at that point. Cause I feel like one of those overinflated floating thanksgiving day parade balloons that's carrying the weight of the world on its body but the scale is saying nope your actually lighter then you were last week.

So ya that's where I'm at today.

Good luck.

Rosebella

I was on Effexor and a year later tried Zoloft,had very bad reactions to both came thisclose to punching people before someone told me extreme hostility can be a side effect of Zoloft between that and the other side effects which included complete apathy (felt nothing, didn't care about nothing)and how I reacted to Effexor (same with flu like symptoms all three months)I decided I couldn't try anymore. Trying was making things worse then not trying. I didn't have as much suicidal ideation back then as I do now. I'm glad it worked out for you but I know my body enough to know it will reject any synthetics I put in it. So antidepressants will probably never be an option for me.Thanks.

Rosekatyrose

I'm so sorry. This is not a club anybody should have to join.many people on here told me the same advice. Take it one step at a time. I was lucky enough that I know my own body enough to know how I'm going to physically react to treatments Basically learned through hard lessons. Do whatever you need to do to get through this and if that's picking up the bible again and having faith then do it. It's not for me but it may be exactly what you need.

Infobabe

Thanks. It's not biological it's about 20 years of having more bad then good happen to me and not having that "balance" of equal bad and good that life is supposed to have with a few really bad years and a few really good year dispersed throughout. When a person is only put on one side of the scale people like me happen. The ones who have run out of fight and have given up. It's not like I've completely given up once I get the go ahead which sadly thanks to the new setback looks like it won't be happening awhile yet I will start exercising. I'm giving myself until New Years to enjoy whatever foods I want then I will be cutting out as much added sugars as I can, I can't afford to go all natural. Wish I could. But I've been savouring the chocolaty stuff and probably eating more then I should and can afford to really a little too much the past month. I will be cutting down the yogurt too. Right now I'm pretty much living on it because it's cheaply on sale. I'm making changes it's just that changing your lifestyle isn't conventional so people just think your giving up completely.

I'm following the que sera sera rule. Whatever will be,will be.

thank you.

Ceanna

Thank you. Thanks for the pics too if I had more wool that's what I would have went for a more shawl like scarf. Sadly not enough wool.so mine isn't as wide as I would like. But due to the popcorn puff stitch it is thick so it works out. Sadly it's that time of year the thermometer keeps going deeper and deeper into the minus so I better get used to the chesticles. Or see if the boob scarf thing works.ironically I found the ones I had misplaced this Saturday so I now have more winter scarves. Still gonna use purple puffy for my head though.

Hapa

Good to hear from you. Thank you.

Sadly as of this morning I've had a complication and it looks like lefty frankenboob has decided it's too full of fluid (AFTER ALMOST 6 WEEKS) and has opened slightly at a point in the scarline under my breast and is now leaking mostly fluid and blood drops. Clinic is closed due to Sunday being a holiday and medical places making up for the lack of day off by giving today off.

Slapped some gauze on top with a "it's not gushing it can wait til tommorow I'm not risking getting the cold or flu in an ER for pathetic useless body that decides to create a complication well over a month after surgery" of course it's lefty frankenboob the one that's almost twice as big as its buddy for awhile now.i look like I have half a cantaloupe from different sized cantaloupes strapped to my chest right now. I just look at my chest and say "once more I sacrificed everything and ended up with nothing"

I get what you mean by disappointed, mine are too big. I'm the same size I was when is started maybe even bigger even though I sacrificed my nipples to Go smaller. I'm nowhere close to happy with what I got right now. I'm very angry and upset by them actually. that's if I can even end up keeping the left one. Developing a complication so long after the surgery is not a good sign.

There aren't many like me around here who decide to go the non conventional route. I've started calling it the que sera sera rule/choice. Whatever will be, will be.

Sadly it's an unpopular choice and I have noticed many in the cancercare medical profession backing away and being they are my only local support system,well, I've never felt more alone then ever when I need support the most.i think the hipaa act keeps them from referring similar patients to each other.

Oh man I hope it isn't what supposed to be helping you. It's weird how some have no reaction, some have a little reaction and some have a bad reaction to radiation and you don't know which you will be until you are going through it.really hoping the rash eases up.

I'm sure you will make the best decision for you. The great thing about having time is you have the time to make a longer deeper pro/con list about the decision you have to make eventually.

I've always been an outsider no matter where I go so I was an idiot to think this time would be any different. I'm still going but making a conscious decision to do bare minimal participation. I don't always succeed cause like I said I dont have much of a local support system and it seems to be dwindling.

Yes I still have the people here. I'm grateful for it. Thank you.

Best wishes to all my apologies if I missed anyone, going on over 24 hours no sleep at this point. Don't you love insomnia

ceanna · November 2018

JJo, sorry you're encountering insomnia. I have it often also so know what it's like to be sleep deprived and still unable to sleep. Sorry, too, for the skin/fluid issues and hope that help will be available for you before tomorrow. Keeping it covered sounds like a good plan for now.

For being tired, you are still great at telling a story. I love your "chesticles" comment. It's not funny for you, but I'm chuckling with you and it did give me my laugh for the day! Keep warm! Sending ((((HUGS)))) your way. Blessings, Ceanna

Jadedjo · November 2018

Ceanna

Thank you.

I've had insomnia since i was a child but the past week since the time change it's gotten severe and it's sometimes late morning by the time I conk out no matter what I do or I just for over a day or so go without sleep. I don't know if it's the time change mixed with the coming holidays or my body just being it's pissy self by being even pissier. Doesn't help when I do sleep it's only a few hours.

Ya it's just like me about to hit the finish line for the all clear to develop a complication. I felt something was gonna happen eventually cause I don't heal THAT easily and everything was going too well I was hoping it wouldn't but I should know better by now to hope for anything.lets just say I'm mentally urging that it's something that will require a small fix and nothing complicated. Sadly (for patients who need help)it's a day off here for medical staff so there was no help short of going to urgent care which would have just put me at huge risk for cold and flu's going around. I didn't feel it was that urgent, but I pretty much have to feel like I'm dying to step foot in those places.

I do know it's going to cause a setback in the workout start up date which I think is upsetting more then the leak in the scar.

I was aiming for a joined word of chest icicles but I'm not sure that's what came out,

Hugs and best wishes back.

ceanna · November 2018

JJo, chest icicles is exactly how I read it!! And loved it!!! Sorry you have to experience it, but at least you can make a joke about it. Maybe the purple wool will grow to help you keep warm!! Or maybe just wear it like a banner across one shoulder and down across your chest!!!

Many of us have developed complications which sometimes set us back a little. Just check with your doctor's office tomorrow and see what they say. Hope you don't need to go in to see them with all the bugs going around.

That time change thing creates problems sometimes. I'm such an erratic sleeper, I barely notice when the clock moves forward or back!! I think my body is often on about a 30 hour cycle instead of 24. I don't need much sleep and can usually get by with 5-6 hours at a time--it's the timing of those hours that my body can't figure out!!!

Warming wishes and hugs!! Ceanna

Lost my will to live

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