Lost my will to live

Oh, I forgot to say that bitching along the way is perfectly acceptable. You've earned that right (you started the thread!), and we're hear to listen! ☺️

Vickki

vslush

You said that so incredibly well.

Jadedjo you are an extremely resilient and resourceful woman caught in a really crappy crappy situation. And she was right, if I had not had the help I don't think I would have made it this far. I would have given up a long time ago.

Youre a hero sweetheart

I'm kind of indignant at snickersmom. Support means meeting someone where they are, not assuming you know more about their life and what they need than they do, and flouncing when they don't agree. Jadedjo is doing the opposite of pushing people away. She's responding individually to each and everyone of us, engaging and returning.

People need to be allowed to feel what they're feeling, including despair, and they need to be recognized as the experts on their lives. Jadedjo didn't come asking for advice, her original post is a thought-sharing and a venting, even if it didn't come with a big red label.

Anyway, I just want to validate that we all face things our own way, are all coming with our own baggage and our own strengths. I too hope for better thing for Jadedjo, but we all know, as well as anyone that life isn't fair or sensible.

For what it's worth Jadedjo, I sometimes try to remind myself that the unjust arbitrariness of the world means that actually every time chance is involved, there is a chance things could go for the better instead of for the worse, because there isn't actually a personal universe demon out to get me (even if sometimes it feels like there is).

I believe that sometimes maintaining hope is helpful and healthy. And sometimes setting aside hope and embracing stoicism is helpful and healthy. And sometimes we can only do what we can do in the moment, and it doesn't feel like a choice at all, and that's fine too.

Sending hugs to all.

Jade, I commend you for being so honest about your feelings and it brings back the words "you are only as sick as your secrets". I commend you for letting it all out. I am a person of very deep feelings and most people just don't understand so fortunately I have a friend who can listen. I also find Al Anon helpful as I grew up with two active alcoholics. Fortunately my mother did get sober after a while. I have learned that we are deeply affected by growing up in an alcoholic home and did therapy around this. But back to you, thanks for your courage to speak out. Blessings.

Just want to say that I totally am ditto on what Vlush & Salamandra had to share for you JadedJo! You ladies had it perfectly stated. So I just am seconding the motion. Motion passed.

Plus, I totes agree that even in the midst of all of this, you are still responding to everyone and trying to explain yourself, trying to share, trying to vent. When honestly, that takes SOOOO much energy to do. It shows the kindness you have and the heart that's in you. Keep on being you hon. We are here for ya.

Also -- such super news to hear that these new bras of yours are feeling so much better! Yayyy! Now, I can't wait until you can sleep in them too! Here's to that swelling going down, sooner than later!

Oh, and yeah, the Vikings, just the NFL team for MN. Your sparkly purple sound amazeballs, totes for sure. I dig it and the reason you chose it "squirrel!!!!!" indeed! I love that you can knit and make super awesome cozy clothes and whatnot. Too much pain in my hands, but always wanted to learn. Had to give up my sketching due to my own pain so I am very very very thankful that you were able to find and keep a hobby that you can put your creative heart into! It's a difficult thing to do in the midst of chronic pain and illnesses, so kudos to you lady! I hope you treat yourself to some more fancy dancy "squirrel!!" yarn soon!

(((hugs))))

JJo. good to hear your updates, and that the new bras are treating you better! I hope the incisions now have a better chance of healing up fast. Twinges are so much nicer than sharp pains!!!! Glad, too, that you were able to go to the support group. Hope the group is a good fit and the sharing is beneficial.

Not meaning to nag on this, but almost everyone who lives in northern latitudes and doesn't get daily sunshine (sun is not strong enough to be of benefit from fall to spring) is short of Vitamin D. Symptoms of low Vit D. are:

Even if you haven't had a blood test for levels, it doesn't hurt to get a daily dose through supplementation. Not sure what it would be in Canadian dollars, but, for example, in the US Walmart sells 250 Vitamin D3 (important that it is D3, not D2) 5000 IU capsules for around $8. I'm sure there are smaller bottles at lesser cost, but I found this to be the cheapest for me since I take one capsule daily so the bottle lasts 2/3 of year. Again, not fast acting, but over a few weeks/months, it made a big difference for me.

((((((((Hugs)))))))

KSusan --- > YES!! Thank you for sharing that. It is SO true. BTDT. I couldn't agree more! Also, love your catch phrase "The mutant uprising quashed!" You go girl!

JadedJO --- > Thanks for sharing the video. I googled it. It's hilarious! Love those guys! The snapping fingers dancing and changing scenery without moving is catchy! Thanks for making me smile and am glad to hear it made you smile too. Also, I LOVE that you playing with your scarf on the bus made a fellow passenger snort in amusement and YOU enjoyed it -- that's your personality shining through and I sooooo enjoy it! Wishing you the best day possible ((((JJO)))

I am going to have to apologize ahead of time. I am aware that I might lack the finesse with words that many women here have. It's a skill I have not mastered yet so I will just preface this with saying I am not directing this at anyone specifically. Having been through a lot in life, this has been on my mind for awhile and I don't mean it as an attack on or rebuke of anyone. I am addressing the subject only and hope no one takes offense.

I think society should retired the idea of the notion that someone should feel happy despite their hardships, because someone else has it worse, for a few reasons.

1. It implies that someone who is unhappy about something is not greatful for what they have, when this is usually not the case. I'm greatful that I am not homeless but I am still unhappy that I have cancer. They aren't mutually exclusive.

2. It assumes that there is some absolute, linear measure of what worse is...sure, there is in a general sense, I might be guilty of scoffing at someone's upset over what I view as petty things on occasion (I am not talking about Jadedjo's problems! I mean like someone who is upset because they dyed their hair and it came out wrong by a shade) and I will make the claim that having cancer is worse than getting a parking ticket, but at some level, what might be life shattering to one person might not be to another and that is one reason some cope with some situations better than others.

3. If the only person who has the right to be unhappy is the one who "has it worse", then only a handful out of the 7 billion+ people on this planet would have a right to be unhappy and the rest of us, whether our car broke down or we are working 20 hour days at a brick factory in India, or are starving due to drought in Ethiopia, would have to be happy. Someone could say "You should be happy you have a car!" or "You should be happy you have a job" or "You should be happy you are not starving to death while also being stung by fire ants".

I think it should be ok for someone to feel unhappy and talk about it if they need to, even if there is someone out there who has it worse.

wrenn,

Touche'. All of us here mean well, but we are not trained clinicians. We can give info. We can give support. But for someone dealing with chronic dysphoria, something far more skillful is needed. And I hope, Jo, that you are still in touch with your counselor.That thread title still concerns me greatly.

WC3 - I think you had the perfect finesse for what you stated. I wish more people understood the basics of what you laid out. Sadly many in my life, through the years, haven't had that ability, and I'm sure JJo can attest that she's run across a goodly sum on her end as well. It just is hard to find people, in my experience, in general, who can grasp what those struggle with daily, unless they have lived it or had experience with it first-hand in some way.

Maybe I'll get on a small soapbox for a minute and add to the thread that, while I think most (if not all of us) would like to say we'd love to keep all of us around for as long as possible, I (just speaking for myself) don't think we have the right to ask anyone EVER to continue to struggle onward when we do not live their "existence" or their "quality of life" 24/7.

I'm sure some will be horrified that I've said that. I'm sorry to offend, but honestly, I've lost best friends who chose ending their lives over continuing to suffer their chronic health issues and/or depression because they no longer had any quality of life to fight for. Heartbroken though I was and still am over their not being physically in my life anymore, I would NEVER for one second want them back here on this Earth, if that meant they must continue to suffer (both physical and emotional pain) on a constant basis that led them to choose that path in the first place.

IMO everyone is ENTITLED to live their life as best as they see fit and if I am part of their life, in any way, it's my job to respect their choices and love them WHERE THEY ARE (not where I want or hope them to be) or chose to exit their life in as peaceful and loving way as I am able. So JJo, that's where I see you and I --- I'm sending ya love and friendship to where you are now, not where I would hope or want you to be. You are where you are and that's where you need the support now, so you got it. Open ears and open heart my friend.

Now, I say all of this having been on both sides of the choice. One as the person wanting out and relief from the pain and suffering of years and years of physical/mental pain AND as the person having lost loved ones when they made their choice to leave this life. IDK maybe again, that it is some people have never had the thoughts or the struggles or the guilt or grief that comes with even contemplating that choice, so perhaps that group of people think we choose that choice happily or easily or in the spur of the moment....however, from my own experience and with family and friends and in a community of chronically ill spoonies, I would confidently say that is 90% not the case. Maybe 5-10% of those are a true chemical imbalance or a med issue that leads to a decision that may have been avoidable if they had been given the right care. Back to the 90%....I believe most struggle with that decision for years and years, and fight to try to improve their situations, their health, their mindset, their medications, and on and on it goes (for themselves or for others via guilt)....until there really is no energy or hope left despite all the efforts...and their quality of life is a bare existence eeked out with no relief in sight, ever.

I am not sure if that is where you are JadedJo, but I feel like having read your posts, it seems like that may be pretty accurate. So like I said earlier, I'm here to be your friend where you are my dear. I love seeing your spirit and humor shine through in your words. I enjoy knowing that you found a silver-lining here or there. That you enjoy your knitting, when you can afford it, and that you find joy in music. Being able to be amused by "dancing" and a video is a small thing to most but when you're struggling I know first hand those are wonderful moments of respite, where maybe the rest of the world falls away for 3 minutes and you can breathe for a second. And even though you are struggling and have the Frankenboobs, you shine a light in my life and I'm thankful you are in it. I am glad you posted this thread so you have an outlet to vent and find the type of support you need, by being heard. Sometimes being heard and understood is the validation of our self and our fight that we need to have acknowledged. Keep posting. I'll keep listening. (((JJO)))

To your question about your cycle - I wouldn't be surprised if it's off for awhile due to the physical and mental stress your body is under. I know mine has been off kilter a bit since Aug when I had my surgery and undergoing RADs. I thought it was here twice but then it disappeared. Very unlike me. Are you on hormone treatment at all? Or started any other new meds? That would be my only other thought that it could be med related. Hope your cycle settles down, not like you need ANOTHER thing going haywire and stressing ya out. Doh!

In regards to the rest of your earlier post - just wanted to say that I feel ya on the having accomplished something amazing (earning your admin certificate) and then never getting to truly use what you worked hard to achieve. If no one has congratulated you on it, well congrats my dear!!! Given your health history and rough turn of events prior to this health journey here on BCO, you pushed on and earned something that you set your mind to. Not everyone can say that! I hope you are proud of yourself for it. Even though cancer showed up and rained on your parade, your achievement didn't disappear. Though, I know it feels like it did. I was in remission from my Lyme Disease during college and surprisingly stayed that was for 3 years as I was able to earn my Elementary Ed Bachelors. I had JUST started teaching and was in a car accident which tanked my immune system, which triggred my relapse of the Lyme and other issues....and I was never able to teach again. It's going on 15 years since then, so I can relate to the pain and anger of those dashed dreams and goals. It sucks the big one. Waking up angry and going to sleep angry is tough. BTDT. It was exhausting for me but it was the only thing at the time that I could find the energy to give a damn about. Maybe you know what I mean?

At any rate, yes you are certainly not alone in feeling like going to the doctor is a full time job these days. I'm kinda used to it, because prior to cancer, that was my weekly/monthly life. Physical therapy, homeopathic/holistic providers, jumping through medical insurance/disability/assistance hoops, counseling, paperwork, phone calls, and so on. It takes some getting used to, that's for sure, and in the meantime can be a huge source of frustration and anger too. Being ill, chronically, for whatever reason, it really is a full time job. That's one reason I always HATE HATE HATE when people who do not really know me say, "Ohhh it must be amazing to not have to work and just be able to be on vacation every day! (cheerfully with a broad smile on their faces as if this should make me feel better or something instead of make me want to slap them!)". In response, I try to be semi-kind as I smile back and say "I would trade a limb or an organ to be able to go to work again. I miss it that much. I miss the kids. I miss making a difference every day. And most of all I miss not having to plan my life around my symptoms, my fatigue, my pain, my inability to keep food down, or my inability to tolerate noise or heat well, and just miss being able to plan my day like a normal person anymore. Care to trade?" (with an equally big smile as their smile slips and they realize that maybe it's not a vacation afterall and that maybe they should apologize for their ignorance).

By the way what is "normal" anyway? LOL. I don't think I'd recognize what normal feels like if it hit me in the head. It's been THAT long since I haven't had pain in most of body. I live with about a 6 or 7 on the pain scale daily....that's a good day. Most people would be howling. Not me, those days I'm smiling. So yeah, wtf is normal? Who knows....sounds like you know the drill there too. What's the saying, we're warriors not because we have the courage but because we have no choice. Or something like that.

Ok, this has gotten super long again. Sorry. Time to log off, watch some Saturday Night Live and break drs orders and have a glass of wine. I need it after this week with my RADs symptoms off the charts. Hope you can do something nice for yourself tonight JJO. If not, well, the next couple sips of the glass are for you!