Lost my will to live

hey girl, you're always in my thoughts. I think about you a lot actually. If you have a family history of endocrine problems I would just keep pushing for that referral. If you have no abnormal blood work or other signs and symptoms that might be why but in the end I have found that doctors really don't take me seriously unless I am extremely persistent. And I'm not saying that you haven't been, I'm saying keep trying until you find the right doctor. On another note, I remember reading you saying that you had tried two different antidepressants in the past. I was not correctly diagnosed with my bipolar disorder until I was almost 30 years old. I was on every wrong medication in the book. I tried upwards of five different antidepressants. What it boiled down to was I was misdiagnosed. I wasn't just depressed, I was bipolar. So the point in me telling you all this is to not give up on psych meds all together. If you're in such a dark place now it seems at least worth it to check it out with another psychiatrist. Tell them your history, tell them what you've tried, and have an open mind to what they suggest. I had to try several different combinations of meds before I got on something where all of a sudden... I realized I started to feel human again. Sending you all the love in the world, J

FYI this was all done through talk to text and I haven't had a chance to read through it yet so if there's some weird things I will be back to edit it shortly :-)

Jadedjo:

Is there any possibility of relocating to a better health care district?

Jadedjo - please hang in there. I was so horrified and honestly furious when I was diagnosed at 40. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis at 19 and always lived with the embarassment and fear of my bowels. I didn't get married til 33. 33. I had seven years of sex and my poor younger husband - wife with frankenboobs and a 2 year old just 7 years later. I've recurred once already and now my new boss took away our good health care coverage - 2 months before I thought I had time to finally get nipples, now I'm stuck with barbie scarred boobs because the out of pocket is so high, I can't bring myself to spend it all on these dumb boobs when my baby (now 9) may have an illness or need for the money. You sound like someone very passionate and driven. I hope you don't give up - with such a good (shitty diagnosis of cancer) at stage 1A - even with other medical issues, if you can have just a few years run of decent luck you can foster, volunteer kids or furry kids. There are so many kids caught up in the nightmare drug epidemic even to meet or do church or civic activities with people who have survived hell - can make all the difference for them. My friend is fostering a 12 year old who is getting straight As now with her. His piece of crap mom doesn't even sober up to show up at her bi monthly visits and he's aware of why she's absent. When I was diagnosed, i morbidly read about the Holocaust victims. Talk about shit luck. Whatever you have to do, get mad at us, life, this disease - many of us here are concerned and praying for you - sending you strength.

Hi Jo. I'm sorry you're still feeling lousy, and I'm sorry you're dealing with bedbugs, and I'm really sorry you weren't able to keep your nipples, that probably really hit home when you took the steristrips off and got a good look at what you have on your chest now. I'm holding out hope that you can climb out of this and find something to hold onto. Maybe a hobby, or volunteering someplace, or new people in your life, whatever. I'm still here for you, though I don't think there's much I can do to help you right now. Best of luck with the PS tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.

I truly hope that you don't stop reaching out Jadedjo. All of these suggestions are just us grasping at straws because we do care. We don't know you, we've never met, none of us are in the same situations... But we do care.

I know that when you're in an incredibly dark place suggestions that you've tried can be not just frustrating but angering. I have been listening to you and I hear you. When you're at that point that you just don't want to hear it anymore and you've disappeared inside yourself. I really have been there, for different reasons. But I've been there. I did manage to crawl back out, that's all I can say. And yes you can say it was because I had a support system but without going into detail, at the time I did not. Let's just say it addiction is a nasty thing. Not only does it destroy families and individuals but it changes people forever. Anyway I kind of digress.

The last thing I want to say here is; I heard you and I'm sorry it sucks. I'm sorry that you feel there's nowhere left to go. I'm not going to make any more suggestions or tell you to get a dog or to try another psychiatrist. You were heard. And without judgment.

if you ever need to vent i am here. If you want to just reply here or send me a private message

Please don't think that those of us who've been offering suggestions haven't been listening, we have! Personally, I'm a thinker, not a feeler, and I approach problems more like a typical man - "What can I do to fix it?" On that note, know that if there's something you need from this thread and our replies that you aren't currently getting, just type it and we will do it!

Jaded - I have read your posts different times since you first started posting. I think I responded only a couple of times. It seems that nothing that anyone offers makes any difference for you. And sometimes - things are just that way. I'm guessing that you use this forum as a way to vent and that fulfills it's purpose in your life. Many other people come here looking for answers or providing help and so it becomes hard for them to just take in what you're writing and not offer some suggestions to you.

I'm very sorry that your life is such that you wish it was over. I hear the pain and disappointment repeated here. I don't think that any of us can really help you.

I do want to tell you that I think you're a great writer. You have a rare mix of conveying tragedy and humor - dark as it is. I think you probably have a lot to offer the world and am sad that you've not been appreciated enough.

I hope things go well today and that you get some answers.

JJo, Yay, good news on the sports bra front!! I'm still wearing the zip front sports bras from post surgery. I also went to Hanes stretchy pullover bras for nighttime (I did not like the surgical bra one bit). They come in 2pk at Sam's Club-fairly priced. Instead of pulling the bra over my head (because we know that's impossible post surgery) , I would step into the bra like a skirt and pull it up over my hips. And I was a size 12 then...

This thread is an invitation to those who are hopeless and those who are inspired to offer hope. It is a place to share and bare one's deepest fears. It is not a place to refuse empathy, encouragement, hope, and a sincere effort to offer advice from those who have walked this unforgiving path with all the heartbreak, destroyed dreams and shattered lives left in its wake. Everyone of us is alone regardless of our state in life. No family member or friend or even doctors can fully understand our delimma -carrying cells in our bodies that maim, torment, and will eventually take many of our lives. A good rule of thumb when feeling utterly hopeless is do something for someone else. We all have a purpose to still be drawing breathe in the midst of this malestrom of cancer. It may be the simplest thing as a smile to a cashier at the grocer or holding the door for a person struggling to get through the door. The little ways we respond to strangers placed in our lives free us from moments of despair, strengthen us and open our eyes to others who are holding out an open hand to walk with Us on our journey.

Jadedjo, I wish you peace and hope, and look forward to hearing your progress in healing of spirit. Hugs. Jo

Dear JadedJo,

There is no way that I could read such heartbreak and despondency and not reach out, offering love and hope.

My first marriage was to someone who struggled with alcoholism. It lasted 16 years, and during that time, I supported him by attending AA meetings and not drinking myself. I was very young, but I learned a lot about people who struggle to even survive a day. They literally have to take it "one day at a time." I learned so much. (Please don't think I am guessing you drink too much!) What I learned were life skills on how to survive when you are at your lowest. I also worked in a psychiatric hospital for two years, and have witnessed how defeated the human spirit can feel, with all of the manifestations because of it.

There is an idiom that they say, and please don't take offense to it, but it's called "stinkin' thinkin'." Our negative thoughts about our lives, our future, God and His treatment of us, or denial of Him, our trials and tribulations, can be so powerful, that even if you don't have a suicide plan worked out, the dark force in this world may one day lead you to that end.

In order to hold on to life, part of the recovery for those who cling on day to day is to believe in a Higher Power. Not just a Higher Power, but a benevolent Higher Power. When you see such sadness in this world, and have had an unbelievable number of setbacks, I can see how you would think about God in a negative light. But there is hope in the fact that you do not deny His existence.

My father committed suicide in 1987, and although he was having intestinal health issues, all the negativity in his head, his self focus, and the dark forces in this world led him down a mental meandering path of thinking of the futility of his life, even though my sister was only eight years old, and adored him. He wavered between agnosticism and atheism. He had no hope, for he had no God.

I know that for myself, an unbelievable number of setbacks has been a theme in my life. I take one step forward, and two steps back. This is not of my own volition. I may be getting back on course with exercise, then get plantar fasciitis in my foot all of a sudden. I may make strides and earn a teaching credential, but then become the stage 4 cancer patient knocked out with fatigue from treatment, and unable to work.

I may build up stamina through good nutrition and exercise, just to be knocked back again with a miserable flu. I may move to a new city that supposedly has better special education support for my middle school child, only to find out it is all a facade on paper, and have to pull him out to homeschool him myself. These are but a few examples. Believe me when I tell you that it is a theme in my life. It happens so often, it enters into the realm of absurdity.

I know you said that you didn't want to hear about God. But please bear with me with one profound scripture that is an explanation for these strange and uncanny setbacks:

You are gripped by darkness, Jo. When you see your strides towards light being sabotaged by darkness, you are witnessing spiritual forces at work. Darkness sets up the obstacle. Faith in Light overcomes it, so that Light brings your life into the full fruition of His plan for you. He prepares you for it by the process of resistance. Just as a body builder tears down muscle tissue by great exertion, it grows back stronger.

I want to share a beautiful poem with you. It has had a great positive influence upon me, as well as countless others. It is the Desiderata by Max Errmann. He was a lawyer and a poet, with profound words of wisdom.

Jo, God has healed me twice completely. There is no active cancer in my body. I waited seven years to undergo reconstruction. I had it done last year. I chose it to re-establish symmetry. All insurance companies are obligated by federal law to pay for reconstruction. I don't regret it. I think it could be something to uplift your spirits.

Please don't discount the power of Tamoxifen. It is a daily pill. You may find you tolerate it very well. Although everything looks good, it just takes a few cells in your blood that you don't know about to lodge themselves somewhere. Tamoxifen will starve them because you are hormonally positive. The first five years are extremely important after diagnosis. I only took Tamoxifen two years, and I paid the price. I thought the pain I was in was because of the Tamoxifen. I was wrong. It was because of the aftermath of chemo. Please don't follow my foolish mistake.

Gentle hugs for you, (((((((Jo))))))))

Many blessings,

Janet ❤️

JJo,

First, let me say you are AMAZING!!!

I have been following this thread, as well as others you have posted on, and through all the depression, despair and adversity I have witnessed an amazing strength and resilience. Has that occurred to you yet? Holy shit...if my situation had been like yours, I'm ashamed to say I don't think I would have had the fortitude you've demonstrated. You have cried and lashed out, but you've also survived and made do at every roadblock presented to you (and it sounds like plenty of 'em).

Think about it... you've budgeted what sounds like a very limited amount of money to ensure you can eat. You've handwashed bras and hung to dry when you probably felt too weak to hold your head up. You've taken public transportation to and from critical procedures, and walked sidewalks and climbed stairs to get home. In the midst of chaos, you've kept a level head and made your plan of attack for all the adversity you're facing, even down to knitting a scarf to work your hands and arms. Unfortunately, you've had to do everything alone, but that's what makes it so incredible.

I would bet that almost everyone here has had help along this path of hell, but YOU have done it all by yourself!!! I wonder how many of us (myself included) would have buckled under long ago, yet you're still keeping on.

The past sucks, and I'm sorry life has handed you such a crappy hand... it's so not fair! But so far, regardless of what's been thrown at you, your survival percentage is 100%. That says so much about you as a strong woman.

People like me have so much to learn from someone like you. I get upset over a hangnail, and someone cutting m off in traffic can ruin my whole day. You've faced things that I'm sure lots of others couldn't even fathom.

Whatever you decide is your business, and I'm not trying to change your mind about it. But I did want to offer my perspective, as I see someone who is stronger than most, and has so much to offer once you get through this mess.

Much love and respect my friend,

Vickki