Lost my will to live

Jo - I think the pulling out all the stops to live thing is most common in women who have kids still at home. I even said to my RO that I'm' not trying to live to see my kids grow up, I just want to go back to fucking around outside on the weekends, and if I can't do that then there's no point in saving my life. I don't think it's odd at all for you to not want to take the risks of treatment. The only reason I'm doing rads at all is because this RO convinced me that the risks are much lower than I had thought. I would probably go on to AIs, but I feel like the risks of tamoxifen are pretty serious and I'm not excited about that drug at all. I just hope either my ovaries stay asleep (one of the few upsides of chemo) or my insurance company will pay for the ovarian suppression.

Salamandra and WC3 - You may want to join or start your own new thread in the Singles With Breast Cancer forum. We're sure there you'll connect with many other members under similar circumstances than yours. If you need it, here is a link from our Help section on How do I start a new topic?

All the best,

The Mods

((((((( HUGS ))))) and thinking of you all.

I'm glad it's 1A and not higher!

Hey Jo,

So sorry about the infestation in your building. Wrong timing. I sure hope the problem gets properly addressed very soon.

But I'm so glad you are 1A and won't need chemo or rad. This is fantastic news.

You see a 5, and I've been seeing a 5 too, with a 2 right after it, as in 52. 44+52=96 years old. Remember we're exercise buddies, so we'll each have to stick around for a while.

About children, all I can say is I thank all the gods of all religions for the fact that I don't have the worries that come with being a parent while dealing with cancer. I won't go into details cuz I don't want if any parents to read this, but to me, not having kids around was the silver lining.

As to having a spouse, it is a help only if they can handle it, and a lot of people can't and become an added burden. Being single and independent and free to make one's own decisions has its upsides.

I do hope your support group turns out to be useful, it may be worth attending multiple times before making up your mind about it. And I hope the oncologist can recommend some drug that you will tolerate reasonably well.

Jade, I have been reading a little here and there since you created your thread. I sense the anger and disappointment in your postings. I can tell you you're not alone. I was neglected as a child, teenager, and for 11 years with my first husband. everything always happened to me. Murphy's law checking in! I wasn't diagnosed stage 1, or 2, or even 3. I was diagnosed at 45 De Novo. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Life for me now is sadness. I love my family dearly. I've gone through almost 8 surgeries in 3 years to even have another day here. To see my life. My DD got married in May and we had a beautiful reception in September that I got to see. I realize you aren't close with your family. But if anyone said to me stage 1a? I would feel so blessed to be able to hear that great pathology report. You're entitled to your feelings for sure. But try to remember there is so much beauty outside your door. But it won't come to you. You must find it. You're a special person who deserves happiness. Find that friend or partner. They are out here somewhere. I promise. Sending you hugs. I wish you nothing but the best. Not having to have chemo is fantastic, because it ruined my body, my thoughts, the way I walk, what I can wear, shoes on my feet. Dropping things always. But I go on. I go on because we have to. Would you rather be miserable everyday with a wonderful prognosis? Or miserable everyday, with a Stage four diagnosis with grim reaper leaning over your neck daily. Wether it's nice out or not. Get out and live and love. Take this as a wake up call. Another chance to find what you need to make you whole again. Hugs and kisses. ~M~

A friend once told me when I was feeling like everything was wrong with the world that it was not what i was looking 'at' but what I was looking 'with'. My habit was to only notice the bad stuff. (thanks mom) That is actually programmed into us so we will watch out for danger. If we scan the world around us we notice what we need to run from for safety and we brush aside the safe/nice stuff.

When I remember to notice what is right in my world life is easier. It isn't about thinking that others have it much worse or comparing our situation to someone worse off. it is just about spending more time noticing the tiny stuff that is going right. Eventually that becomes a habit. Mindfulness podcasts help to get back on track if I start thinking shitty thoughts.

My child was murdered and I have a very aggressive cancer and was cut off chemo after one dose but I still feel lucky. I feel like I scored big time in life. I live alone in a small apt. but I have a great view of the leaves on the trees out front and I like my yellow walls. I have a cat that is so pretty. Although I had PTSD from my son's death I forced myself out to a cancer centre and have met so many amazing people that I wouldn't have known if not for my diagnosis. (silver lining). I'm drinking clear fluids for 2 days in preparation for a colonoscopy right now to see if my cancer spread to my colon. I am enjoying having all these sugary drinks without guilt. Spent a lot of time in the bathroom instead of sleeping but it is going pretty damned smoothly and I have no pain.

I don't mean for this to sound preachy but I am really glad my friend reminded to to change the way I look at stuff and thought it might be useful here.

I wonder if knowing we have the freedom to end our life here in Canada when things get unbearable makes it easier to appreciate being here?

You can choose death Jadedjo but it makes me sad to think about what you are missing out on.

Micmel, I am far from amazing (ask exbrnxgrl) but to make my life easier I do try to notice the good stuff (and there is much of it). It's a choice I want to keep making. :-)

Jadedjo:

I don't know all of the details of your life but I think I understand the way you feel and I know it can be frustrating when you want to feel happy and have done your best to do so and it's not working.

Everyone:

I've had a lot of adversity in life. I won't go in to all of the details but I guess it's pretty bad and I had nothing to do with it. Things in my past, things in my present, things within myself and implications for my future. Some of these things really upset me but most of these things I had always been able to weather pretty well...probably better than most...most certainly better than most. They bothered me but they were in the background and I had always been a forward thinker and I found joy in other things in life to distract me. A few years back though, these things that ususlly were just whispers in the background started bothering me a lot more and life started to feel darker.

I have never been the best looking but never let it bother me all that much, and I had always been low maintenance, but I looked in the mirror one morning and thought I was really starting to age and look bad. I had just had a birthday and thought it was natural aging and I started to get a lot of anxiety about this and developed a interest in cosmetics. I had always done well being alone...I would get a little lonely on occasion, but was good at keeping myself occupied, but I started to feel a profound sense of loneliness and the world just started to seem dark and futile.

I thought it was situational because I had plenty of things to be upset about and I thought these things were bothering me more than usual because I was approaching 40 and just feeling the weight of all of the bad things that have happened to me and the pressure of not having "made it" in life. I was being proactive to try to pull myself out of it and enjoy life but I could not shake the feeling of doom and darkness and could not manage to experience joy or pleasure in anything. It could have been the most beautiful of days and I would not have been able to experience anything positive about it; and then the physical symptoms started. I won't go in to details but they landed me at the doctor where I discovered I had an endocrine condition and was put on medication for it.

All of my problems, the looking old, the loss of my usual resilience to my circumstantial problems, the inability to take joy in something and the feelings of doom and profound loneliness were all due to my endocrine system going off balance, and that is why efforts to pull myself out of it by looking on the bright side, changing my environment, trying new things in life, and talking to people about it weren't working. It was a medical issue and had to be treated with pharmaceuticals. I hadn't been able to realize that before hand though because I did have circumstantial things to be very upset about and those things were the only things visible to me.

I returned to my old self after being on treatment for a while and I hadn't realized how unwell I had actually been until I was better. It hadn't been my imagination that I had looked old and sickly; I had looked old and sickly, and others had noticed, and they had noticed when I started looking better.

My situational circumstances now are actually a lot worse than they were then. Now, I may actually be doomed. But I am back to my baseline and coping with it in a way that is more normal for me. I still have my life problems and now the cancer, and they are depressing and difficult, but I do not have the overwhelming, constant sense of futility and darkness that I did, and I am able to experience the joy in things again. I am going to the farmer's market today and am able to look forward to that, whereas before I could not have.

I'm just sharing this to illustrate that our ability to cheer ourselves up or look on the brightside is contingent on our feelings not being of a pathological origin, and even if we can ascribe circumstantial causes to our feelings, the flavor, and depth, and magnitude of them can be profoundly modulated by physiological factors.