I lost my son

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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited January 2007

    only the thread, Vickie... This site is my lifeline. I cannot leave!

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  • csp
    csp Member Posts: 2,765
    edited January 2007
    Pam,
    Many women will be there with open arms !
    come on over !!

    hugs,
    Carrie
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  • neesie
    neesie Member Posts: 1,924
    edited January 2007
    Dear Pam,
    I wanted to pm you before the holidays, but couldn't bring myself to it. I know how hard the 1st. set of everything is when losing a child. First Christmas, First Birthday, First anniversary of the death. Yes, you will move on, but do allow yourself the time to reflect, remember, love and be mad. This will happen for the rest of your life! It has been a few years for me, and while I do fairly well now, there still isn't a day that goes by that something doesn't remind me of my son or the accident or whatever. Do what is right for you, but remember that we are here for you!
    Denise
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  • beachcottage
    beachcottage Member Posts: 4,688
    edited January 2007
    My sweet friend
    I will be looking for you
    on the other threads

    With you
    in spirit where ever you are

    xo
    Patti
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  • 73gr
    73gr Member Posts: 459
    edited January 2007
    image
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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited January 2007

    I said I wasn't coming back here.... but a woman has the right to change her mind, doesn't she? I miss my Craig. Dear sisters, my heart is so heavy with sorrow. It is as if the pain were new all over again. And I miss my sweet mama. If only she were here to talk to...forgive my selfishness friends. My doctor says I am cancer free and it riddles me with guilt. I do not deserve it. What about Fighter Lu? I still think of her so often and her courage. I am a coward. Thanks for letting me be me. Pam

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  • csp
    csp Member Posts: 2,765
    edited January 2007
    Pam ,
    You are not a coward !! Gosh I wish you could step outside
    and see what I see. I see a brave woman that fought the beast and in the midst of it all and without a chance to even catch her breath suffered the tragic loss of her son in a way not many of us can even imagine having to endure. Just because you said you wanted to move on well some times we get yanked back there, you are trying Pam you will. Don't get discouraged this is the normal process of recovery and survivorship , no matter what we are surviving.

    I can't tell you how brave and strong I think you are ,
    coward or selfish never entered my mind for a second and
    I am positive in any one elses minds either !

    I can tell you losing 2 of my own children was the hardest thing I ever went through to this day, and I did not have
    BC to contended with nor ever have,and the conditions surrounding their deaths were not the same, but I share with you sweet, brave, couragous lady the heart ache of losing a child.

    You come here as much as you need and we will be here
    to lend a ear and send you lots of prayers for your broken heart.

    love,
    Carrie
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  • 73gr
    73gr Member Posts: 459
    edited January 2007

    keeping you and your family in prayers

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  • beachcottage
    beachcottage Member Posts: 4,688
    edited January 2007

    Sweet friend

    with you all the way here
    as long as you post here
    so will we...with you in heart and spirit
    where ever you post

    sending you mega hugs
    and love
    xo
    Patti
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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited January 2007

    Thank you so much. Some days I feel strong, but others just lost and alone. May God continue to bless each of you. Please know how much your thoughts, prayers, and words of comfort mean to me! Pam

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  • beachcottage
    beachcottage Member Posts: 4,688
    edited January 2007
    image
    xo
    Patti
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  • beachcottage
    beachcottage Member Posts: 4,688
    edited February 2007
    image
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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited March 2007

    but I know that he is ok. I read part of a book this weekend called 90 minutes in heaven, about a man who died. He said he immediately was ushered (meaning met by and travelled with) many beings and carried to the gates of heaven. He said that he could feel the presence of God and that had he actually seen God, he would not have wanted to come back. I do not know what haunted my child so that he felt the need to end his life. I cannot imagine for the life of me what hurt him so badly. They tell me it was all of a sudden... that he just snapped. It matters not now. But what does matter is that my Craig is in heaven and I know that whatever bothered him here is no more. There are no more tears or pain or heartache or suffering. He is happy and basking in the glow of the Lord. Thank God for His promises. While my heart breaks again and again when I think of my loss, I am so grateful that God, in His infinite mercy, has made a place for me there too someday. We all have that option. God bless you all. Pam

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  • PuppyFive
    PuppyFive Member Posts: 2,808
    edited March 2007

    Sweet Pam, Gods Speed! You are such a Strong Wonderful Sister, and Mother! Yes, I Believe Your Precious {Craig} Will be there to greet You with a Big Happy Smile on His Sweet Face, showing you Your way to the Mansion!!! Stay strong Pam, and know You are never alone, You have God with you Always Sweet Sister and me! xoxoxo Love You, Puppy

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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited March 2007

    Oh you are such a good Puppy! Don't worry about me... I am just crazy. I am quite concerned about you dear one, but you are in my prayers. A FedEx deliveryman asked me today how my son is. It took my breath away, but I calmly told him that Miles was doing well, and was that the son he was talking about. He had been out last year with knee surgery and didn't know about Craig. I got through it. One breath at a time. Guess that is how it will be. Pam

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  • newvickie
    newvickie Member Posts: 3,939
    edited March 2007
    Pam...we have missed you...sending you love and hugs. You are never alone as you are always in our thoughts.
    Vickie
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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited March 2007

    Thank you Vickie. Some days are better than others. You are all always in my thoughts and prayers. Hang tough. Pam

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  • PuppyFive
    PuppyFive Member Posts: 2,808
    edited March 2007
    Quote:

    Oh you are such a good Puppy! Don't worry about me... I am just crazy. I am quite concerned about you dear one, but you are in my prayers. A FedEx deliveryman asked me today how my son is. It took my breath away, but I calmly told him that Miles was doing well, and was that the son he was talking about. He had been out last year with knee surgery and didn't know about Craig. I got through it. One breath at a time. Guess that is how it will be. Pam

    {{{SWEET PAM}}} next time you are asked about your son's, just tell them with a big proud smile on your face " one lives with his Father, and the other lives with Me, and both are at the place they have desired to be!!!" Love Ya Sweet Sister of mine, take the sadness away by living very proud to know you never have to worry about your sweet {{{CRAIG}}} Again!!! Thank You Father for keeping your promise and having your sweet craig live at home with YOU!!! Love You Pam, give Miles a Big Hug from Aunt Puppy!!!
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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited April 2007
    (((((PUPPY)))))
    It is always so wonderful to hear from you. You are so selfless! I just know my Miles would love his "Aunt Puppy". We have both certainly benefitted from the prayers from you and so many others. I am thankful that I do not have to worry about Craig. He is probably doing cannonballs in the River of Life in heaven. It is just so hard to face each day and know he is not here. I did get a nice surprise yesterday. We didn't order Craig's senior pics last year because he really didn't like them and we were going to have them redone "later" and "later" never came. I contacted the company and asked about ordering them over a year later. The lady told me that they have what they call a "Sympathy Package" for situations like this. They will be sending me a package with several poses and sizes of pics along with a memorial cd at no charge. So if any of you ever have tyhe opportunity to deal with "Life Touch Photos" they are a great company! love you all, pam
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  • PuppyFive
    PuppyFive Member Posts: 2,808
    edited April 2007

    Sweet Sweet Pam, you said you miss his smiling face!!! WELL, looks like the Lord took care of that, because they were meant to be put on hold so you could REALLY SEE His smiling face "now"! like the good Lord said to us pam in his Scripture " Not In our Time But His" maybe some day, I will meet my sweet Miles and give him a Big Hug, for taking such good care of his mom!!! I truley Love Ya Pam, I feel your strength growing, God has Many plans for You and Miles, In His Time! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Puppy

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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited April 2007
    "Aunt Puppy" you are such a source of strength and encouragement for me! Miles loves having an "Aunt Puppy." (he is so easy going). Know I pray for you every day, and enjoy so much hearing your optimitic and healing words. What can I do to help you Puppy? You know we love you so much. I am just a big baby. I will not, however, apologize for being sad at my first Easter without my baby who loved chocolate better than anything. Love to you!!
    pammy
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  • PuppyFive
    PuppyFive Member Posts: 2,808
    edited April 2007
    Sweet Pammy, I would think {{{CRAIG}}} Would want you to "EAT ALL THE CHOCALATE YA WANT" Heck I know He is, so You might as well give your self a few pounds of extra sweet pounds, and blame it on Craig ( hehehe) I can see Him now, Laughing His wings in a Great Big Flutter!! of course your gonna miss your Baby, and rightfully so!! But just remember, all those memories will ALWAYS keep the 2 of you together!! I need ya to send me your snail mail, Want to send my Sweet Miles sompin special, OH and who knows maybe even some chocalate for you, only half- because i an gonna eat the other half, and look at the sky and think of Sweet Craig watching me!!! thats what you can do for me Sweet Pammy, share Your babies, while I worry about mine! It gives me HOPE! I love All of You, and pray you have a wonderful Easter, with Miles and Sweet {{{{CRAIG}}}}} Love,Aunt Puppy
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  • PuppyFive
    PuppyFive Member Posts: 2,808
    edited April 2007

    {{{PAMMY}}} I am with You Always!!! Your Sister, Debby

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  • PuppyFive
    PuppyFive Member Posts: 2,808
    edited April 2007

    Always and Forever {{{PAMMY}}} God is with You and Miles, and so am I. xoxo Puppy

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  • newvickie
    newvickie Member Posts: 3,939
    edited April 2007
    image

    with love and hugs
    Vickie
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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited April 2007
    Dear Sisters,
    Thank you so much for your hugs and thoughts and prayers. Miles and I had some good "alone" time this afternoon after we had lunch together. He was telling me about having trouble sleeping. I asked him if there was anything in particular on his mind and he said there had been since Craig's death. I held him so tightly. I can't make it go away for either of us. At least he was willing to share it with me. Neither of us have answers, but many questions. We just agreed to be there for each other always. I asked him if he ever thought about dying. He said yes, but only for when he was old....lol. I told him some days I felt like I didn't want to live, and that didn't have anything to do with him. I just feel so overwhelmed with sadness. He told me he needs me. I needed so much to hear that. I love him so and get so afraid sometimes something will happen to him. I try to focus on God and what he is wanting to teach us. All I know is I just have to lean on him. There is nothing else I can do at this point. It took me so long to admit I needed some help. I have always tried to handle things on my own. But I am trying to rest in God's lap. I told Miles about the knot under my scar that I will have checked on Wednesday. He didn't seem concerned and I probably shouldn't be. Just can't help but fear the unknown and remember that the only good lump is in a jar. I love you my friends. Thank you so much for your strength and courage. Pam
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  • PuppyFive
    PuppyFive Member Posts: 2,808
    edited April 2007
    {{{PAMMY}}}
    {{{MILES}}}


    "FOOT PRINTS"
    When You Saw Only One
    Set Of Footprints....
    IT Was Then That
    "I CARRIED YOU.
    Love, Puppy
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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited April 2007

    Thank you, sweet Puppy! I am hoping He continues to carry me and Miles. We talked yesterday and discovered we both have same fears and hurts and trouble sleeping. But we can't help each other. My psychiatrist (who specializes in treating cancer patients) told me I need to find someone who is closer to my home that I can see on a more regular basis. They kept telling me I needed to ask for help, and admit it. Now that I have opened my heart and asked for help, I guess I am more trouble than they can handle. I don't want to "need" a counselor once a week. I just want to get through this. I just need to somehow manage to make it. This time last year there were proms going on and plans for graduation. My Craig graduated in May and took his life in June. How does one get past that? Cancer was a breeze in comparison. I go for my 6 month mammo on Wednesday and to see my surgeon and show him the new "knot" that has come up under my scar. I am tired. I just want to be ok. pam

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  • PuppyFive
    PuppyFive Member Posts: 2,808
    edited April 2007
    {{{pammy}}}


    "For I will give you wisdom that none of
    your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict"
    (luke 21:15
    xoxoxo Puppy
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  • TheShopMama
    TheShopMama Member Posts: 577
    edited April 2007
    a stone of marble
    decorates your resting place
    silk flowers cannot speak

    pfb 04/18/07


    betrayed by his dad
    growing up alone was hard
    peace eluded him

    pfb 04/17/07
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