How and when did you tell your kids?

I wanted to share my thoughts because it was the week before Christmas when I was diagnosed Stage IV. That made two discussions I had with my son. He was 9 when I was Stage I and 13 at Stage IV. I think it's a good idea to wait until treatment is set. These days, breast cancer isn't a death sentence, but kids don't know that. Lots of explaining ahead. As much as you'd like to avoid it, you need to be the person who tells them. Use the word cancer. Kids live in the moment, and you may have to educate them on how things will go in the months ahead. My son's concern was that because I had cancer, he might find me in bed one morning, deceased. I had to explain that people who die from breast cancer don’t die suddenly.

It helps if you can process your own grief (as much as you can) before telling them. I promised my son I would never hide any progression news from him. We saw a counselor a few times, and it helped us process the life changes that accompany a breast cancer diagnosis.

This can be a time of relationship building with your daughter. Being ignored by peers hurts; the best version of herself is the person who can have a happy day regardless of lunch partners. You and she are in similar circumstances — don't let the problems you face steal your joy.

Remember, it's YOUR health news; not theirs. It doesn't have to ruin the holidays. One possibility is to tell them at the beginning of Christmas break, so you can be near them: “I have some news about my health to share. I don't want Christmas to be just about this. I want us to do fun things, like we always do, and let's focus on enjoying each other. I might seem sad at times, and that might make you feel sad, and that's normal. But we should try to have fun, because I'm your mom and I love you." Let them make choices. Do they want to choose a movie? That's how my family relaxed. I made sure my son wasn't trying to play the part of “Poor me, my mom has cancer." I reminded him there were moms a lot sicker than me, whose kids were making Honor Roll, etc.

It's different discussing your breasts with a son versus a daughter. I thought through how to explain what was going to happen. “They will take the tumor out. It i tiny, the size of a peanut." That's about all he cared to know. I think it was important for me to tell everyone that they could ask me questions. That way, I didn't overshare, but people could ask me if they were curious. People outside the breast cancer community may assume that everyone has a mastectomy, or everyone has chemo. If you have chemo, it may help to share some then and now photos of other patients with your kids. To show them that hair does grow back.

If you can afford, plan a special event to celebrate a treatment milestone. Some nonprofits provide family vacations for moms going through breast cancer treatment.

This topic is close to my heart. My son was post-divorce, and he had to live temporarily with his dad during the first months of my Stage IV diagnosis. We honestly didn't know how long I had to live. I know those fears may be weighing on you. Don't let them stay in your mind for long. You and your kids have a lot of living to do. I wish you the best possible outcome — many more years of good health.

...everything!

I have three children at the time of diagnosis ages 16, 13 and 11. The two oldest are sons and youngest is my daughter. I was dreading the fact I would need to tell them after hiding it until I found out all the information I needed. My oldest has bipolar so I was nervous that this news could have a negative impact on his mental health. My daughter (youngest) too struggles with pre-teen mean girl stuff and was feeling lonely after her best friend stopped talking to her. I ordered T-shirts that said Team (last name). Then I had them open the boxes and made it into a conversation how we would team together to get through this. My oldest burst out into tears and panic, my youngest started to cry and my middle looked like a deer in the headlights. I then asked if they had questions and I was fine. I made sure to reassure them I wasn't going to die with a time line. I educated them that the kind of cancer I had (BC) offered treatments, so I could get on with living. They've been fine ever since. I try to keep the communication lines open as much as possible. I try to keep the information I give them simple so they can understand it.

My OB/GYN's require that all of their patients needing a biopsy see a BS beforehand so I had met her already. She had gone over my scans with me and examined me. I had to ask and she said she was 95% sure it was cancer.

So she was the one who called me 4 days after the biopsy to give me the news. And she told me to come in to see her the following morning to discuss the report.

I'm realizing now what a help that requirement of the OB/GYN was!

My kids were 16 and 17 when I was diagnosed. They knew I'd had a biopsy and was waiting for the results ( which I was sure would be negative ). So I found out after dinner on a Thursday. My husband wanted to wait until wed processed for awhile, but I just couldn't.

I was raised in a family with a father with lcancer. For four years we didn't discuss his treatment or prognosis because it was too upsetting. So I always felt bewildered by what was going on. I was 11 when he died and it caught me completely off guard, even though he'd been sick for 4 years, because no one ever talked about it.

So we sat our kids down and told them I had breast cancer. We all cried. I promised I'd never withhold information or lie to them about my illness. So far they seem to be dealing pretty well. My son shares more with his friends which was a surprise. My daughter holds more in.

PS-My DH & I waited to tell anyone til we had a treatment plan in place. Was it hard not to say anything? Yes. Was it hard to hide the obvious biopsy spot and bruising from my mom & sister on 2 different girls’ trips? Yes. But it was much more reassuring for them (and easier to tell the news for us) having all the pieces of the diagnosis and treatment puzzle put in place. The reassurance is what your kids will need the most seven you tell them. Having as few “open ended” questions that you can’t answer at that moment but if you waited another week or so til your appointment you would have the answer to it dangling as possible is important. Inevitably that would be the question they would ask. You need to have all the answers you can. And be positive and confident in your responses and when you give the news-they pick up quickly on our worry or when we’re fibbing a little. The question that absolutely will come up in some fashion will be about dying. My advice? Remind them that we will all die one day-it’s part of life after all. But that you have no intention of going anytime soon. Ad-lib that based on your needs. Good luck to you!

Hi ps:

DD is 12 and DS is 10. I told them about 2 weeks after I was diagnosed, when I still had two weeks to go before my surgery (6 days to go now!). My thinking was that it might be easier for them to get used to the idea that I would be going into the hospital for surgery rather than suddenly disappearing on them.

I tried to be very matter-of-fact and not make a big deal out of it but not hide anything either. I have had two other surgeries in the last three years, one of which was emergency, so my kids know that Mom will come home from the hospital. They are also somewhat familiar with the "C" word as my father has been battling Stage IV prostrate cancer since 2009 and my mother-in-law just finished treatment for Stage II endometrial cancer this past summer. (Sidenote: cancer sucks and can stop messing with our family anytime now.)

I was a bit surprised at their reactions. I thought DD would be most upset, but she only asked one question (related to breast cancer searches on our internet browser - these tech-savvy kids terrify me!) and has been pretty quiet since. She tells me she Ioves me a lot and hugs me a lot. DS, on the other hand, has had a million questions, the first of which was, "Are you going to die?". (My answer: "No, not for a long time because we are going to do all the things we need to do to kill this cancer!") He wanted to feel the cancer, tried to figure out how different it is from the cancers his grandparents have, and had a long debate with himself about whether he should tell his friends at school or not. I just let him talk and tried to answer his questions as honestly and factually as I could.

I visited each of their teachers as well as the school front office. I told them that I would be away from home for medical treatment for considerable lengths of time in 2018 as I will have to travel 2 hours one way for surgery and chemo (if needed) and 5 hours one way for rads. I asked them to please keep an eye on our kids and let us know if they are struggling or overly emotional during the remainder of the school year. I also phoned the mother of my daughter's BFF and let her know about my upcoming treatment, so that she can help her daughter support DD when I am gone.

I totally understand your concerns about middle-school mean girls, as DD is the same age as your daughter. Fortunately, DD has an awesome BFF now, but she spent the first five years of elementary school with no good friends at all. It's tough to see them struggle.

Dance

hi there,  I actually never told my child.  I feel strongly children don't need adult worries. They have many other issues in life to figure out and my health worries shouldn't become a childs.

My child was 10 when I was diagnosed so to young to fully understand and young enough for a head to get filled with worry of the unknown. For that reason, I chose not to share . I had a lumpectomy and radiation and  favorable outcome was anticipated.. There was never a reason to involved my child in my worries.  No one can tell you're going through that treatment.  If I had opted in for Chemo, I suppose it would be a different conversation of course, but it would have been couched around age appropriate information. i.e., I'm taking medicine that may make my hair fall out, but its killing bad cells I had in my body. This conversation would have been guided by the psychologist available at the cancer center to ensure I was on target with what I said and how I said it..

When my child is old enough and needs to understand for screening purposes, I'll fill in our health history. For now. Its not necessary to know. 

Good luck on your decision. I'm glad I handled mine the way I did.  Just think through your decision. A lot of input here from a lot of great ladies. Seek input from your cancer center too if you havent' yet. The deal with this all the time and can be a good source of help.

I just wanted to add that every child has a different response and need to know. You as the mom are the best judge of how to handle it with your own kids. I wanted to tell my kids in person (20,20 and 24 at the time) they came home for Christmas and I was going to tell them when one of their friends committed suicide-so I thought that is enough sorrow. Anyway-put it off a few days and downplayed it a lot-hadn't had surgery yet so I didn't really know how bad it was. We all cried together. I did end up needing chemo and radiation so I am glad I had told them-, but, also glad they were away at college for the tough parts. They did call me every chemo day which I loved.

5 years later when I got mets to my bones I asked my MO should I tell the kids? And she said, if it was in your liver I would say yes, but, maybe not while it is just in your bones. I did visit with each of them separately and told them - the first question they each asked unbeknownst to the others was "How long have you known this?" I was really glad I had told them right away-sometimes they worry more if you don't tell them.