My (perhaps controversial) thoughts as a "newbie" to CA.

And I love that one shot of the marshmallow in her paws!!!!

Whhhheeeeeeeeeeeee! I love it!

Lori, you must be so proud! Are you ready for Godmother-hood??? Huh??? It's a big job! You have to see that they scamper for food, seek out the marshmallows, and the rest of the time sleep or pose for pictures.....

Lori, I am totally jealous of you!!!!!!!

Waaaaaaa! I want a raccoon baby tooooooo!

Hi runor,

Read your letter and am moved by how WELL you put it. You nailed the whole psychological conundrum we live in.

I don't know how old you are but I think a lot of it has to do with age. I'm 73--turned 72 the day I found the lump--nice birthday gift from mother nature--and since I led a pretty raucous time back when I was a hippie and didn't think I'd make it to 25 feel I'm in bonus land. So it was a pretty easy thing to say no to chemo and radiation once I learned that going through four months of it only to have six months and ten days added to my life. I'm glad you got to skip chemo as THAT was the one that freaked me out the most. I didn't want it AT ALL. I didn't want radiation either but electing to have both beasts removed precluded that.

But it's a far different matter if you're, say, 45 or 55--or even in your 60's--and this strikes and I honestly don't know what I would have done had this disease happened much earlier. My therapist was--is--so opposed to chemotherapy and radiation and is so persuasive that had I known her then I might have steered clear and stopped at surgery. I've heard too many bad stories about chemo since I opted out and people opened up to me--as they didn't want to do while I was still in the deciding stage--that I'm all the happier not to have gone for it. But it's just a fruitless guessing game.

During that thinking stage, someone said to me, what if you decide not to go through with chemo and it re-occurs--how are you going to deal with that? And for a long time I thought of that.

Then I met with the oncologist and got those numbers and it was an easy call. When the oncologist called me to get my final decision and I told her I'd decided not to go for it, she also said that to me--what if you don't and it recurs--have you thought of that? Can you live with that? ec etc.

And I said to her, well, what if I go through the chemo and the cancer returns--what then? I'll have done all that and messed myself up, perhaps permanently, and STILL have the damned thing. How will I live with myself THEN?

Uncertainly is part of life.There are no warranty tags attached to us when our mothers push us out. Someone told me there are cancer cells in all of us, held at bay by our immune systems. I keep telling myself that my own is strengthened by an increased respect for the time I've been given knowing that a silent, invisible, un-touchable, odorless, tasteless presence is probably in me now, lying low. We're none of us getting out of this alive and, paradoxically, life is sweeter--for me, anyway--knowing that.

Runor, I'd rather go for the door where I do nothing beyond the surgical removal of the tumor and just go on living as long as I have.

And I think I would have chosen this were I younger.

I just didn't want chemo. No way.

I'm sharing these thoughts and feelings that JUST APPLY TO ME AND MY CASE. I hope they help you in a good way to come to a decision. I'd rather be frank than coy and non-committal.

Partially I say this with a lot of gusto because my tumor was small and there was no invasion into the lymph node that would have been the first to catch them as the cells moved out of the breast, there was no vascular invasion, the margins were clear--and I got a thumbs-up from my breast surgeon. AND I had both breasts removed.

(Johns Hopkins has a thing called My Chart, where you register online to access info about appointments, tests, all kinds of things with your doctor and hospital. It was there that I read my three-page detailed path report. That's where I learned of the vascular aspect--meaning ca cells into, or not into, the vascular (blood) areas, and of the margins.

Do you have access to your path report like this--where you can see about the tumor you had removed and the node? Or could you get a copy?)

My therapist's 79-year-old mom had a lump in her breast and all she did was to have the breast removed. It left her lopsided, but that was no big deal to her. She turned down chemo and radiation and has been fine ever since (I think this was roughly five years ago), just one boob short of a whole human. Karen--my therapist--is a detail-oriented, facts-oriented critical thinker who dotes on reading about all things tests and test results-wise and advised me against chemo and radiation because of my age, my stats re the tumor, and what she's read of chemo and radiation side effects.

I hate being nauseous. I think I hate that more than anything. I'm allergic to narcotic analgesics and have been so violently ill after surgery where it's been given that I'm rendered a thrashing crazy woman on the stretcher in the Recovery Room.

When I told my breast surgeon about this, my worst fear facing surgery, she was the one who pinpointed that I'm allergic to narcotic analgesics--first person in 73 years to tell me this! All those knock-outs for wisdom tooth extractions, D & C, hysterectomy, sinus surgery--all followed by sheer unadulterated HELL! She said she'd have the anesthesiologist use propofol--which was great--no side effects, no thrashing, no nausea!

No way could I take four months of nausea. Even though they said they have new drugs for that--I didn't want it. And the ACT regimen that the oncologist recommended for my case is an especially tough one--the adriamycin is bad for the heart.

The day I met with my oncologist she went to the computer and brought up a website where you punch in all the stats and it shows various outcomes, life span of people who fit this group, etc. There were several screens that could be opened when this data was entered. I came home from that appointment and opened that website myself and went through it, then got my therapist on the phone and she and I looked at the site together--she on her computer at home--and went over everything. That site was great as far as giving outcomes and stats and answering some general info that helped me.

Did an oncologist go over things like this with you? Offer a chemo protocol and then show you results for women who fit you cell type and other things? It was invaluable to me. I'd ask about it if I were you.

Yeah, it's a crap shoot either way. I think it depends on your feelings about side effects, your tolerances, your mindset regarding taking powerful drugs (I didn't wanna! ) etc.The whole shebang. Many, many women on this site have had chemo and sailed through it. My best friend from grad school with four kids under twelve had a double mastectomy and had chemo and it was, she said, no big deal. She felt flu-like symptoms for a day or so--then she was fine. And still is--all those kids now out of college...

As far as adding stats here on the site, etc--well, I also had to hunt, hunt, hunt. I think that I went to the bio section and there was the teeny tiny little word "settings" in blue embedded in one of the paragraphs. It was hard to locate but that's what I clicked to be able to change the picture that goes beside your name. Look for "settings" in pale blue and click that.

OK-- hope this rambling chatter from me helps a little....t

Sandy--- Your tale of raccoons in your ceiling had me pondering their so skillful ways. They are pretty adept with those little hands. I love how they wash their fish catches--or at least I grew up hearing that. Sorry it cost you a 'puter--even an old one....ah, but a good excuse to invest in a new one, eh? Love when that happens (and IF I can afford it!).

What are you going through---I didn't know you were undergoing chemo now.....think I'm out of the loop....

Celia--I feel left out of the raccoon stories you all are sharing. They're funny....I have to say that but of course not from your perspective....the most troublesome critter invasion that I recall was the bat that got in the upstairs...don't know how he got in. Of course I jumped in bed and pulled the covers over me and my father came upstairs and said, "Girlie, they won't HIT you!" I protested and sqealed...he said that, "Of all things in the whole world of living things a bat's the LAST thing you should be worried about. Sooner have a DC-7 hit you," he said, beginning the search for the bat. I think it somehow got in the cellar. An upended peach basket trapped him and out her/she went....

Hi Lori--- Have been ailing with the flu for the past few days....it's a weird thing--today after getting the Safeway grocery order--there was no way I could tackle 90 degree heat with the flu, even though it's tapering off--I put things away, made up some Jell-O, and was feeling like my old self...voila, I thought, I'm over it! Then suddenly I just had to lie down...I felt all queasy and almost nauseous and just stunned with bad feelings.....I got up and put on my two Sea Bands, one per wrist, to press the pressure point related to nausea--and that seemed to help... But it struck me, that, o, no, it's not gone yet! So I just put the computer to the side....

There is one little tale that's sad about critters I want to share. I think you'll probably get a lump in your throat.

I guess I was five or six or maybe even younger. My brother Dick had a pet raccoon he called Jody. One day relatives were visiting us from DC, including my grandfather. Very proudly my brother brought out Jody. They were outside and he let Jody climb a lamp post, which got everybody giggling and laughing it was so cute. But Jody fell. And perished. So an otherwise so joyful sweet time was made tragic. I'm still so thankful that I was too young to be aware of what was happening--I just was told about it. (Or maybe I blocked it?) Well, we all have a sad story or two about our pets and other creatures, I know--since we tend to outlive them all.

Ever since, Dick has had this overwhelming love of critters. They drive him nuts! I'm gonna gather some of your best shots and send them to him to let him see what YOU have got going out there--I know he will love them like I do.

Keep cool! t