The Hermit Club

Teka,I love the picture you posted of the circles of women. I have several women friends who I sing in a choir with and this picture really spoke to me. One of them is close to death from a different cancer and it seemed so appropriate right now.

Faith (in the future

Hi ladies:

Thanks again for your ongoing amazing support. I have actually requested to speak with a social worker at the cancer centre. I don't have much support at home. Acquaintances have commented to me "I hope you have lots of family and friends support to get thru this" and I think to myself not really. My husband can't handle it and my immediate family lives across the country. I come here to vent. Just like last time. I feel sorry for myself that i don't have family support and that makes it worse. So I thought I better get some professional help because i am going end up in the local mental hospital.

adarkadaptedi: I understand your fear .. man oh man... and it always strikes in the most inopportune places and times for me too. But I bet for you that as time goes by, those emotions will fade. They did for me the first time. Your breast cancer will go to the back of your mind and yes, will always be there, but not as profoundly in your face. You will feel like a survivor.

wallan

Wallan- I think meeting with a social worker is a great idea. I bet he/she may be able to help you identify some other resources to help you through treatment and all that goes with it. I looked around after I got diagnosed and figured out quickly who was going to help and who everyone else was. You need to find the people who can help you and focus there to get through.

Please don't beat yourself up for what you have or don't have. I have little family left and they don't live around me either. I had no family around me when I went through treatment. I did have some outstanding friends and other support systems (like this site) to get me through. I think people who are blessed with large families who are able to help are truly lucky when cancer strikes. I know many who don't have that don't have people who will help either. Not everyone does the cancer thing, so I have learned......

If I can give you any advice about people to save you from feeling badly about things, don't put a lot of energy into acquaintances during this time. I did not tell a lot of people for professional reasons (self employed), but also feel many people just say things like you heard "good luck with that, hope you will have everything you need, blah, blah, blah" When people say that, they are telling you they are not going to offer any help. That is what you need to be listening for. You can park those people for as long as you want. We don't have to make others feel okay about what is happening to us. We have to focus on getting well.

My experience with this is those who have had it (bc survivors) and those who have supported others with it are your best allies. This is something only people who have witnessed things understand. We are not scared of it, we have been there! There may be some support groups for rides in your area or other resources with people who will show up to help without any pressure.

How else can we help you friend?

Cliff- I am sorry things are hard for you. Are you feeling okay physically?

jazzygirl, as well as can be expected with diabetic neuropathy, congestive heart failure, a cramp right now where my left breast used to be, and lymphederma. so all in all, nolt too bad. just waiting for the next disaster to come along. whatever it is, I'll beat it too. I have a new granddaughter to spoil.

Beautiful little girl Cliff

I guess the first grand child is the best. she sure is a sweet little girl. held her for a half hour last night, she is quiet and smiles once in a while when her grandpa tickles her belly. shes the reason I will have to ignore side effects and get rid of this cancer.

Hey Cliff

I did not notice the space at all actually but I know that won´t help really as people say it to me and it does not change how I feel as a mutilated person.......

Wallan - I too had inadequate support from my now ex.........and others, was brutal to find how people bail out on you when you are in hell....in the end I crashed and got a therapist through a local cáncer charity. Without her I would have gone totally under I think, I still see her, sometimes weekly, sometimes fortnightly....she has been a Godsend. I make myself go out and do things when really all I want to do is hide away and one thing I cannot get rid of is that I now feel SO different from other people, by virtue of my body and health status.  I have no tolerance for small talk, or people who obsess about utterly trivial things.........and am very choosy in what I do now........but there are still times when I feel heavy emotionally and at the moment I think I am a bit depressed as other health things going on too...........Cancer sucks a lot out of us.......people out of your life, your trust in your own life, the future you thought you had, Jobs, genuine peace of mind etcc.....its no wonder we need help to get to grips with it.................and if anyone dares to say the positivity mantra I go ballistic........that is another cruel burden dumped on cáncer sufferers.........and a study showed that expressing your emotions is far more important than positive mental attitude and those who did emote  had the lowest recurrence rate.....

Take care everyone

My mom and dad have been gone for quite a few years. fortunately I have a great wife and two great kids. there is no replacement for a great family, I hate to think what would have happened if I didn't have them. first granddaughter coming along during this mess helped a lot too. makes me appreciate them more than before.

I too had people judge, dismiss, and bail on me. Some who had been good around other situations, who really surprised me. I let go of a few of them, don't talk about my health much with a few others. I know next time who I won't be telling.

Wallen- you are sounding a lot better and can tell the resources you will be meeting with feel right to you. Let us know how it goes for you and know we are here for you too!

Cliff- you sound like you have a lovely family!

Hi Mommy!

Mommy- my older sister had bc at the same time, but we had different kinds of breast cancer and thus different treatments. She started getting too involved in my treatment recommendations (older sister stuff and she is a doctor too) and started talking to her oncologist about my case. Totally pissed me off and told her to butt out and focus on her own plan of care.

A mutual friend of hers and mine who lives here helped me through the worst of things (also and MD) and told me that she would do exactly the same thing that was being recommended for me. She sat in all the oncology discussions with me, as well as with the surgeon and post surgery visits. Well, my sister and I survived that time, but bossy older sisters never do change. We are both doing okay these days.

Your doctors have to be the ones to advise you on the best treatment. Mommy, your point is a good one that even people who have had cancer cannot advise another on what to. The nice thing about this site is being able to talk to other women who have had the chemo, rads, surgeries, recon, who take the AIs. Thank god for BCO!

Every now and then I try and talk to Friends but have to say I find it pretty dispiriting as they just do NOT get it, especially how I feel over the state of my body..........I don´t want to be Miss Negative but am finding it harder and harder to feel ok and can sense I am feeling lower in mood.........I have other, unrelated, health challenges too and over last few months have added four different specialists to my list for various things......and feel pretty overwhemed at times.........as all are incurable and just things you need to live with......I always imagined myself being fit and kind of fab as I aged, but decrepitude seems to be taking over........although I fight it..............

Being someone who has had cáncer is a lonely place in my experience.......

Yes it was, a few times recently and I wonder why I bother aterwards!!  Its not an option to re-schedule hospital appointents here unless you are too ill to attend, as its a public system.  Funny you picked up on me being tough on myself as my cáncer psychologist says the same thing and says other people with a lot less to deal with than me retreat in to their homes and being ill whereas I keep on going........Duracell battery style except my cells feel empty a lot more these days.....thank you for caring and I will try a be kind to myself day tomorrow.......

Lily- I like the idea of being kind to yourself beginning tomorrow. I have had a mantra for a long time even before cancer when things felt difficult, overwhelming, etc. that "I am doing the best I can every day". Write it on a sticky note, put in on the mirror, chant it if you mediate. It is a positive message that reinforces you are doing the best you can with whatever you have at the moment. It is a way to be present with the current circumstances and to also be kind to yourself. Your best might look different than someone's else's best too so don't allow others to make you feel less than. People are not always kind about this stuff.

I understand the loneliness that goes with cancer too. We have all sort of felt that line that divides us into the people who have/had cancer and those that did not. I feel more relaxed with those that have had some sort of experience with the disease.

I did not tell a lot of people about it at the time, but talk about it even less now with some of the people I did tell. I am tired of being dismissed, listening to everyone else's cancer stories, or being told I am done with cancer. I cannot make them understand that the aromatase inhibitors make my body ache. Today my feet hurt so badly, which is an SE of the meds. I am not the same person I was before this, but I am getting better.

I know you are having some other health stuff since the bc. I am too and been working through that with my providers. The bc treatments can cause other issues for us. That is another thing many will never understand either. So much to explain, that is why other cancer survivors are just easier to be around.

I think you are taking very good care of yourself.

Wishing you better days sister

Lily55- I know just how you feel and when I came to "decrepitude" in your post I almost laughed aloud (but it's early AM here andDH is asleep). Just say that word a few times over in your head. It sounds pretty funny. I'm likely to refer to myself as decrepit, as the rapid thrust into menopause is wearing down my bones (literally and figuratively). But! I did go to yoga class yesterday for the first time since the MX.

Jazzy- I happened to see those photos of the NM yoga retreat. Beeeautiful!!