STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

I saw a professional photo exhibit of Iceland. One picture captured a volcano explosion and stream of hot red flowing lava in beautiful colors of orange and red. I said 'that's it, that's how I feel". Now when I am ready to explode outwardly I look at the photo I took of it on my phone and let it do the screaming for me. I am too tired to scream, it seems like it would be too much effort. But in my head I am yelling about feeling worse after treatment than during it. My breast hurts ALL the time, the swelling has not gone down and I am supposed to spend 40 minutes a day massaging it but of course the lymph pump that would do it for me was declined by my insurance, I am reduced to wearing tight sports bras 24x7, my internal temperature feels about 150 degrees all the time, I am constantly exhausted and my brain feels like it is in a fog. My BFF keeps telling me about her mother who had DCIS removed 20 years ago and never had any SE's and maybe STRESS is causing my SE's and probably caused my cancer. This week she sent me a b-day card telling me to "Be HAPPY, you could be living on the street or in a 3rd world country in a thatched roof hut". WTF? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I over reacting? My DH told me to forget it....

Oh, and lets not forget my anger at the lovely staff at the ONCO office who told me that the fact I am not feeling well is not due to the drug and they weren't interested in seeing me? I'm sorry, but really? Who am I supposed to be discussing my CANCER issues / concerns with?

HI kittysister,

Yes I have dense breasts. The "good side" left breast had a cyst aspirated 9/03, then also had 2 biopsies 6/98, and 12/07:all benign. Am thinking of asking for a biopsy of the small lump on the left when I see the Surgeon for the 6 month recheck on the cancer lumpectomy done on the right 9/14. From what I researched, alot can happen in 6 months, you can jump a stage. And the left is still a BIRAD 3 - which means "probably benign". Well "probably" does not sit well with me. Would insurance cover an elected biopsy?? Then again, how many times can a body withstand invasive procedures before actually causing an infection?

Anyone with any ideas or issues like mine, please post.

Ah stinking BC - not only the gift that keeps on giving, but also the gift that raises many questions...

It is difficult to read all the terrible things you lovely ladies are having to deal with at the moment. Often it is the people around you that are fanning the flames, whether it is medical staff, family dynamics or employers. At the root of all the anger and distress is often fear, fear of what is happening and fear of what might happen in the future. All of it is normal. Who wouldn't be afraid in the same circumstances.

So how do we deal with it in a way that is not self destructive. I like your visual interpretation BC2015, having an external object to exemplify your internal combustion. It's a bit like placing all your anger in a box that you open sometimes and allow yourself to feel for a bit before closing it again and leaving it in there. Of course depression is a different beast and usually requires medication and counselling.

I don't like to hear that anyone is being told that things could be a lot worse and there are lots of people living miserable lives - we are all well aware of that but it doesn't mitigate or invalidate your own feelings of sorrow at what you have had to go through, or what you still have to face. Those comments are made to make the other person feel better about not responding to your needs adequately.

I am thinking of you and wish you some inner quiet today

and here is my visual of peace and joy...

Grey i am so sorry u r caught bt a rock n hard place. Too much focus is on ur bf n not enough of ui am sure u r aware 1 of causes of cancer is stress...dont tell us where he lives causr he surejly doeny want bunch of womem  0n on medicine for chemo, medopause, in pain 1/2 with hair rantuing n raving..he would never get ou alive...

grey, please PM me here with your location in CT. I am an employment specialist and can point you in the direction of services to help you not only find work but may even be able to pay for skills upgrading in some areas up to 3500.00 through the federal WIOA (Workforce Innovations and Opportunities Act) program. I work at CT Works and if you live in my region I can give you specifics and/or point you in the right direction. Let me know by PM where you are located.

As for your BOYFRIEND ( I would not use that word to describe that abusive a$$ btw) kick him to the curb before he REALLY hurts you! Please, they never change!

Hugs!

Now for my rant..........I took a job the first week of June working from 10 pm to 10 am working no more than 3 days at a time. The schedule was working and today they told me that they want to move me to 6 pm to 6 am. WTF? I did not take that job with those hours. They need to hire more people because we are so short of help and they are looking at someone for January?? Another WTH! And they want us to work the 12 hour shifts alone, uh no. I get paid for one job not two jobs, so unless they suck it up, they will pay up or hire more people ASAP when I walk out. I have always been so afraid to lose a job, but since cancer I am more afraid to lose my life. So a job, not so scary to lose. We have a meeting in the morning to hash it out..............I'll keep you posted! Cheryl

Grey,

Removing yourself from the toxicity is not going to be easy. You are loved here and you seem to be on the right path. Please avail yourself to the advice and help offered here and turn a deaf ear to those 'family' members. Make you BCO sisters your new family. I too am afraid for your safety. Please find a safe house, block him, file a police report.

Take care, you a worth it. You are finding your voice.

That is right Grey you need to put yourself first. I can barely type tonight my arms are so itchy.

Grey

Nothing trumps LIFE. All actions and decisions has to be based on LIFE. Your treatment, you job, that f8ckin ring your family is so keen on, everything is based on LIFE. Whatever you do , think of your life first. All is inconsequential by comparison.

In my case the difference chemo would have made in a 5-year survival rate was 4%. I consulted with 2 big name oncologist before deciding. Both told me the same thing, IF that 4% was important to me, than chemo would be administered and insurance has to cover it. However, they both said that when considering all the long term effects of chemo to 4% advantage of survival, both said to pass up the chemo. Which is what I did. I hope it was the right decison.

Arm yourself with information. Then decide whats right for you.

A gentle hug

Can I just say without causing offense to anyone, that I think there is more going on here than we are picking up on. It seems to me, Grey, that you may have issues that need the help of a counsellor, and not necessarily a cancer counsellor. You do not seem in the right head space to deal with boyfriend, family or medical issues. You need help as soon as possible so you can really think clearly about what your best options are. You can't allow your anger and fears, rational or otherwise, to control your decisions. You have had many offers of support here, some of which is very practical as well as heartfelt, it is up to you now what you take onboard. There is no judgement only love

grey, the person worth fighting for is YOU. BC stinks, cancer treatment stinks, it turns your world upside down but it seems to me you are trapped like a rabbit in headlights and operating on fear only, not the best basis for good decisions.

I did not trust my treatment team and had no option to change, It was so bad I was left with PTSD post treatment.......and although I was stage 3 on diagnosis I refused chemo and know 100% that was the right decision for me......I think all you can do is deal with one thing at a time.

First can you go stay with a friend? Somewhere you feel safe? If not then a refuge? Can tou find a counsellor to talk rhrough your options re treatment and coming to terms with living with cancer? Or rather after cancer? I still have counselling and i need it, but it does help........I am writing this at 01.30am as I want you to know I think you are worth it and reading this thread I dont think I am alone.......please let us support you and let our care in?

Grey we r here for u not to judge or tell u what u should or shouldnt do. U know what u are doing n u r the only one that make the decisions. I will say please dont solarte yourself, have art leaet 1 person that knows where u r at all times, the hss a key, ur cell number an sny other pertinent information.  if u feel the need give information to the police just in case. 

Robin mgraw hasca app called aspire you would never know it has to do with abuse..

If u can write down phone  numbers and hide them not sure if u r looking to grt out, if so let me know  n we can devise a plsn, have done it for myself n others. Big hugs, hsng in there

Hugs Linda! My father had severe neuropathy in his feet from diabetes and he really suffered. Gabapentin did not help much. I hope you get some relief soon!