Diagnosis Envy

I'm envious of people with hormone receptors

Yep. My first year after diagnosis (Stage 2), when I was going through chemo/rads and waiting for my hair to grow in, my friends would mention a concerning mammo that turned out alright and I'd wonder, "... why couldn't have that been ME?..." So get it.

I have had the opposite happen. Last winter, my maternal cousin was diagnosed with a small nasty tumor. I often feel guilty that I got off more easily. She is still in active treatment and it tears me up. She has been leaning on me for support. I hate breast cancer. It is like an emotional volcano and you never know when those negative feelings are going to erupt.

I have diagnosis envy of my own mother. We were diagnosed within three weeks of each other. Hers was caught on a routine mammogram and caught early. I was too young for mammograms so mine wasn't caught until it became palpable, at which point it was quite large. I'm happy hers was caught early, but I just wish I had the same tools she had. I feel bad about it because if there's one thing this board has taught me, it's how easily a good pathology can go bad so if that ever happens to my mom I know I'll kick myself.

Being premenopausal and still wanting children, sometimes I'm jealous of the hormone negative ladies who get to enjoy their estrogen and get pregnant without restrictions. Other times, I'm glad I have one more weapon in my arsenal. It just depends on the day.

I can totally relate, sbelizabeth!!!!  It doesn't make sense but there have been times when I am more annoyed at people who are earlier stage than those who have never been diagnosed with bc at all.  Crazy, I know!

So True,

Small tumor, but lots of nodes bursting open with cancer, twice the size of the primary tumor. I have pushed myself to be an active adult, hiking, tennis, golf, rafting. I will be on a BCO thread sometimes & my dx is the worst. Makes me mad/sad.

I was 58 at dx, 59 now.... I really feel bad for those of you that were dx at a young age. Not Fair, that just sucks!

I will never understand the part of this where the silver lining will appear. Body is weak & sore, the financial drain.

Thanks for letting me rant & whine....

Yes, me too...

I think I have oncodx number envy why couldn't mine had been a 4 not 34.

I also have diagnosis envy. My SIL had IDC measured in mm, 0 lymph nodes low oncotype. Her tumour was removed in the office followed by intense radiation for 5 days. Her scar is essentially invisible. Hard to believe we both had "breast cancer". I now have a good friend who's tumour is more aggressive than mine. I most say that only makes me very sad. When she was being diagnosed I talked to her about my diagnosis/treatment/prognosis envy. She and particularly her husband didn't get it. Now she does.

Elizabeth I envy you because you had successful bilateral diep. I only had enough blood vessel for one side. I still have to worry about non cancer side, but I need a break. I just hope for neither new primary or distant recurrence.

Elizabeth

Sorry to pick on you Elizabeth, but it really irks me when people talk about young women framed in the "tragedy of young mothers." As someone who has always, always wanted children and was diagnosed at 28, which was only two years after even meeting my now-husband, it's just like another knife in the heart. I was always merticulous about birth control and waited until I had met the right person to get married and somehow that makes my life as less value? I should've just played fast and loose with birth control or married that guy I was dating when I was 23 who I didn't love and would surely be divorced from by now and I guess my life would be more important.

I'm feeling especially crabby about this today because I'm off for my first Zoladex shot. The irony doesn't escape me. I was thrilled when I started ovulating again but terrified of the estrogen at the same time. So since I can't have a baby yet anyway, I decided my best chances were to shut down said ovulation with a needle the size of a baseball bat. I'm doing this to give myself the best possible chances to be NED and healthy for my future babies but then I get a pain in my hips or ribs and start worrying that it's always too late to avoid the mets trains. So my emotions are all over the place today!

Ugh Ann, that's really crappy of your husband to say. He might be a doctor, but is he an oncologist? If not, then he's not qualified to give you a prognosis. My uncle did the same thing. He works in pharmaceuticals, including with some cancer drugs. When I called him after my path report came out to get his take on the Kadcyla trial, he made it sound like my two still-positive nodes doomed me. I had been feeling fairly happy about my chemo response up until then and that just took the wind out of my sails.

I don't think chemo response predicts outcomes for hormone positive and lower grade cancers. Tamox or whatever hormonal treatment you end up doing is probably going to work really, really well for you.

For what it's worth, I have diagnosis envy of your Grade 2 cancer. I mean, if I HAD to have a nasty, aggressive cancer, Triple Positive isn't a bad one to have, but I also fear that it's coming back for me quickly. Like, I'm not even going to get a year or two of remission before mets come for me.

And thanks for the good thoughts, re: Zoladex. The needle wasn't nearly has big or painful as I thought it was going to be. Now I wait for the hot flashes to begin again! I did not miss them in the least.