Diagnosis Envy

sbelizabeth

A friend just had a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy.  Small tumor, clear margins, and pathology report reveals no malignancy in the lymph node.  Great news, and I'm thrilled for her!

But...I distressingly found myself envying, with some sadness, her diagnosis.  I would never, ever, wish my journey through the Stage III miseries on anyone.  At the same time, why couldn't I have had good news too?  The process of my diagnosis was one horrifying discovery after another...so maybe it's just a little leftover PTSD. 

kar123

Totally understand...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but the really dark, angry side of me thinks for a split second "I don't get it. I was healthier, didn't smoke blah, blah, blah and she gets a clean bill of health and I didn't."

wrenn

I'm envious of people with hormone receptors

tangandchris

I totally get this....and I totally get that you don't wish harm on anyone. ((hugs))

SelenaWolf

Yep. My first year after diagnosis (Stage 2), when I was going through chemo/rads and waiting for my hair to grow in, my friends would mention a concerning mammo that turned out alright and I'd wonder, "... why couldn't have that been ME?..." So get it.

Nancy2581

I so get this. My neighbor down the street was diagnosed with BC after me. Small tumor, no lymph nodes involved, no LVI I don't think, no chemo. I am happy for her really I am, but think to myself why couldn't mine have been at stage 1 with no lymph node involvement. I try to tell myself about the positive things( humph is that possible) of my cancer, but my mind doesn't buy it. I keep thinking it's so not fair. Well crap it's not fair to anyone.

Nancy

voraciousreader

I have had the opposite happen. Last winter, my maternal cousin was diagnosed with a small nasty tumor. I often feel guilty that I got off more easily. She is still in active treatment and it tears me up. She has been leaning on me for support. I hate breast cancer. It is like an emotional volcano and you never know when those negative feelings are going to erupt.

rozem

me too....stg 2 her2. My friend found her own 6mm grade 2 her neg tumor. No chemo. All i kept thinking is why couldnt i find mine that small and not be her2. While i realize all treatments are shitty ( had it all myself) if you can skip the ride on the chemo train then you are lucky

Anonymous

I have diagnosis envy of my own mother. We were diagnosed within three weeks of each other. Hers was caught on a routine mammogram and caught early. I was too young for mammograms so mine wasn't caught until it became palpable, at which point it was quite large. I'm happy hers was caught early, but I just wish I had the same tools she had. I feel bad about it because if there's one thing this board has taught me, it's how easily a good pathology can go bad so if that ever happens to my mom I know I'll kick myself.

Being premenopausal and still wanting children, sometimes I'm jealous of the hormone negative ladies who get to enjoy their estrogen and get pregnant without restrictions. Other times, I'm glad I have one more weapon in my arsenal. It just depends on the day.

placid44

I'm hormone negative, but chemo ruined my ovaries and I am unable to have kids. I'm 46, diagnosed at 44, so wouldn't have had them anyway, but permanent menopause with extremely low estrogen is uncomfortable...I feel like a completely different person. And I'm single, so may be staying that way with these side effects

caaclark

I can totally relate, sbelizabeth!!!!  It doesn't make sense but there have been times when I am more annoyed at people who are earlier stage than those who have never been diagnosed with bc at all.  Crazy, I know!

wintersocks

I get this, Me too.

Holeinone

So True,

Small tumor, but lots of nodes bursting open with cancer, twice the size of the primary tumor. I have pushed myself to be an active adult, hiking, tennis, golf, rafting. I will be on a BCO thread sometimes & my dx is the worst. Makes me mad/sad.

I was 58 at dx, 59 now.... I really feel bad for those of you that were dx at a young age. Not Fair, that just sucks!

I will never understand the part of this where the silver lining will appear. Body is weak & sore, the financial drain.

Thanks for letting me rant & whine....

Redporchlady

I feel that way too at times. I did everything right with all the mammograms and ultrasounds. Why couldn't I have been stage 0 or 1. I have my last treatment of AC and CT next week so I am focusing on getting thru this and starting my 12 weeks of Taxol.

peacestrength

Yes, me too...

sugarplum

sbelizabeth - I totally get this - as a matter of fact, I envy YOUR diagnosis

Julie

Meow13

I think I have oncodx number envy why couldn't mine had been a 4 not 34.

sbelizabeth

Sugarplum...lol...well, THAT puts it in perspective!  I guess there will always be someone who's diagnosis appears to be less nasty than the one we were given! 

I envy your tissue expanders.  My RO was concerned it would interfere with the radiation precision wouldn't allow them to be placed after my mx, so I had to spend a year as a uni-boober.  Although my DIEP recon is wonderful, I would have had a better cosmetic result if it hadn't been starting from a flat chest.

Elizabeth1959

I also have diagnosis envy. My SIL had IDC measured in mm, 0 lymph nodes low oncotype. Her tumour was removed in the office followed by intense radiation for 5 days. Her scar is essentially invisible. Hard to believe we both had "breast cancer". I now have a good friend who's tumour is more aggressive than mine. I most say that only makes me very sad. When she was being diagnosed I talked to her about my diagnosis/treatment/prognosis envy. She and particularly her husband didn't get it. Now she does.

Elizabeth I envy you because you had successful bilateral diep. I only had enough blood vessel for one side. I still have to worry about non cancer side, but I need a break. I just hope for neither new primary or distant recurrence.

Elizabeth

hopefour

My envy is the two woman who went in for their first monograms after they heard about my DX. One works for our company and the other is her sister ( both in their 50's). They BOTH were found with early BC. Neither had to do chemo, one had to do rads....and I was the one who has gone faithfully for monograms. The woman who works for us has repeatedly told me how grateful she was to find it so early and thanks for telling her to go get a monogram....I would have been grateful too, but my monogram missed mine twice!! There were days in the beginning of my DX I just couldn't be around her as I was so angry mine had been so missed for so long....its better now!

My heart is always heavy for the young woman....I truly am so sorry this all happened to you so young. And you young moms, how hard it must be to handle treatment and babies...I truly pray for you all!!

sbelizabeth

Mine was found just before my 56th birthday.  Both my boys were educated, married, and successful.  Like all of you who are my age, I feel such sorrow for young mommas with a BC diagnosis, no matter what the stage. 

I wanted to see my grandchildren, and I have one and another on the way.  Yes, I envy women with a less dire diagnosis than I had, but all of you who posted here have helped me feel a little more grateful for the blessings I've been given.  Thanks.

DivineMrsM

Hope you don't mind my post here, but a gal at work had a lumpectomy last Monday and was back to work the same week. Her dx: dcis stage 0; no chemo, no rads. I offered her my best wishes and just looked at her like, gee, wonder what it'd be like to get that dx instead. I get where you're coming from.

Anonymous

Sorry to pick on you Elizabeth, but it really irks me when people talk about young women framed in the "tragedy of young mothers." As someone who has always, always wanted children and was diagnosed at 28, which was only two years after even meeting my now-husband, it's just like another knife in the heart. I was always merticulous about birth control and waited until I had met the right person to get married and somehow that makes my life as less value? I should've just played fast and loose with birth control or married that guy I was dating when I was 23 who I didn't love and would surely be divorced from by now and I guess my life would be more important.

I'm feeling especially crabby about this today because I'm off for my first Zoladex shot. The irony doesn't escape me. I was thrilled when I started ovulating again but terrified of the estrogen at the same time. So since I can't have a baby yet anyway, I decided my best chances were to shut down said ovulation with a needle the size of a baseball bat. I'm doing this to give myself the best possible chances to be NED and healthy for my future babies but then I get a pain in my hips or ribs and start worrying that it's always too late to avoid the mets trains. So my emotions are all over the place today!

ann273

I know exactly where you're coming from BAU. I was 28 and seven months into my marriage when diagnosed. This diagnosis has completely unraveled my life including my marriage and career. My husband thinks recurrence is inevitable and he is a doctor. He stuck with me throughout treatment and after my pathology report came out, he lost all hope. He worried about himself everyday wondering what he would do if I died. I was happy when I started ovulating too and then immediately scared. I always wanted to have children and now I have to live with the fact that that may never happen or that I may never have a normal life like most people my age. I wish that if this had to happen, it at least happened after I had experienced some important life events like motherhood, celebrating a 10th anniversary and so on. So sometimes I envy people who have to deal with this at a later stage in life or have at least had children, then I realize they have something else to be worried about - like not being able to be there for their children and that must be terrifying. I suppose no matter what stage you are a diagnosis of breast cancer is devastating and affects each and every one of us in different life altering ways.

I hope things go well with Zoladex and you get everything you wish for.

Anonymous

Ugh Ann, that's really crappy of your husband to say. He might be a doctor, but is he an oncologist? If not, then he's not qualified to give you a prognosis. My uncle did the same thing. He works in pharmaceuticals, including with some cancer drugs. When I called him after my path report came out to get his take on the Kadcyla trial, he made it sound like my two still-positive nodes doomed me. I had been feeling fairly happy about my chemo response up until then and that just took the wind out of my sails.

I don't think chemo response predicts outcomes for hormone positive and lower grade cancers. Tamox or whatever hormonal treatment you end up doing is probably going to work really, really well for you.

For what it's worth, I have diagnosis envy of your Grade 2 cancer. I mean, if I HAD to have a nasty, aggressive cancer, Triple Positive isn't a bad one to have, but I also fear that it's coming back for me quickly. Like, I'm not even going to get a year or two of remission before mets come for me.

And thanks for the good thoughts, re: Zoladex. The needle wasn't nearly has big or painful as I thought it was going to be. Now I wait for the hot flashes to begin again! I did not miss them in the least.