Aging Parents Anonymous

(((((Althea))))) So sad, but I like what Susan wrote to you....."may her food loves make you smile in a year's time". I am glad you joined that support group. The grief support group helped me immensely after my husband died suddenly, almost 22 years ago. And good luck with your new resolve!! Wish I could help you feel better....if you want to vent, send me an email, ok?

re kitties:  if you're able to get close to them, a very bit of brushing, even 1 stroke a day with a soft brush will prevent hairballs

So sorry, Karen.  ((((((HUGS))))))

Hi! I am just finding this thread.

Karen, you touched my heart with your last post. So true, "Life is so hard". I know this week must be rough for you, so I'm sending you hugs. 

My mom (83) has had Alzheimer's for a couple years. Started getting the frightening phone calls years ago where she didn't recognize my dad, was scared if the "stranger" in the house, and was worried about my dad (who was right beside her). Last year at this time, between recon surgeries, I got an opportunity to help my parents find a CCRC (continuing care retirement community) close to where I live (35 miles away) instead of them being 275 miles away, made several trips to help clean out the clutter as mom had become a pack rat/hoarder and Dad (86) had been too embarrassed to have anyone come in and help them clean house - for several years. We moved them from Las Vegas to So Cal the day after their 60th anniversary. 

They are currently in independent living because Dad can't be without Mom and he knows if he moves her into memory care it will be signing a death sentence for her (it's heartbreaking to hear her ask him dozens of times a day if he still loves - yes, he does with all his heart - and if he'll sleep with her at night. She rarely sleeps, walks around most of the night (I know that from spending the night there). Many times she doesn't recognize him (or me), takes all her clothes off when she goes to restroom, washes everything with soap - but doesn't rinse anything, she's refusing showers and even when Dad can get her to do that, she won't allow her hair to be washed (Dad just said he hasn't been allowed to wash her hair in months, am going to bring him dry shampoo), she forgets she's just eaten, and now when I talk with dad on the phone, she's talking up a storm to an imaginary person. I really think she needs to be in memory care, but it would kill both of them. Need to let my parents have their dignity. I have a younger brother trying to get POA so he can move Mom, thankfully, Dad won't do it. 

Thanks for giving me a space to get this off my chest.

Karen, you will be in my thoughts and prayers this week. 

Hi Karen,

Glad to hear about your mother's improvement, hoping that made the week just a bit easier to deal with. I'm sending you  lots of (((hugs))) and strength for the week ahead and hoping you see greater improvement in your mother. Please remember to take care of yourself. You and your mother will be in my prayers.

2nd time....Thanks for asking....I'm doing okay....Mom is doing so much better than a week ago...she is getting up on her own in the mornings....today I think she even went down for breakfast and lunch.. She was going to eat dinner in her apt.  She is now off all the Sinamet.  My DH took Mom to the pcp yesterday. HE agrees with us not to try the other med, but to go back to her neurologist and see what he says (her regular neurologist, not the specialist).  Mom is feeling more positive but she is tired.  I think that is just part of the disease and that everything takes so much energy for her.  She is even walking a bit better.  I just can't believe how bad she got on the meds...it became so "toxic" for her.  I know that with time, she will decline as the disease is degenerative, but I will deal with that as the time comes.  For now, I'm just glad to have my Mom back.

How are your folks doing?  Thanks again for your concern.  I appreciate it.  Hugs, Karen

I'm so stressed today and feeling so sad....just want to cry (but I can't cry).....Mom is having significant problems walking even with her walker. Her mobility continues to decline. BUT today, Mom called me just before her dinner time to tell me she fell in the dining room. She said she was okay, but would I come over when she was done dinner and help her go back to her apt. So I went over and Mom was "fine"...no injuries from the fall. But she was afraid of falling again. She could barely walk. Every 4 or 5 or 6 steps, she would stop. This is probably the worse I've seen her with walking. My heart just broke.

I feel so selfish...I had hoped to be able to go to Israel for a month or so this summer. But if Mom isn't doing well, I don't feel comfortable being so far away from her. My son will be in Oregon starting after graduation in May for an internship till at least September and my daughter will be in Israel at camp - she went last summer. And my husband's work travel is increasing. So if I'm gone, then there would be days that none of us would be here to check on Mom. I could ask friends to help or hire help, but as my DH just said, I wouldn't be comfortable. And my DD who is 17 started crying saying it isn't fair that she is going to Israel and that I can't go. Yeah, right, I would make her stay home so I could travel!! NOT. I know the travel dilema will all work out. I have said all along that I would decide in May or early June if I can go to Israel when I see how Mom is doing.

It is just so hard being the sandwich generation. I love my mother dearly. That is the reason I moved my parents to Denver to live close to me so I could help. I would go to the end of the earth and back to help my mother. It is heart breaking to see her struggle so. She was such an independent and active woman. And now she can barely walk. She is getting a mobility scooter that we just ordered and that will help, but she will not use it in her apt. And she has fallen in the apt. I am moving her to a new Independent Living community on Friday that is much more affordable and has many great amenities. It is about 2 1/2 miles from me, just a bit farther than she is now (1/2 mile). Her new apt is lovely with a great view of the city and the mountains. I just hope and pray it is the right decision.

Thanks for listening. I hope everyone is doing okay. Keep in touch. karen

hi Karen, I agree with Divine, you won't regret the time you spend with your mom. Since my last post a year ago: Mom continued declining mentally, I started getting frequent calls from Dad for me to visit to provide him respite (he wouldn't take up the offers locally).

Beginning of July, Dad was frantic as Mom had become incontinent plus started wandering all night and he wasn't getting rest. He made the difficult decision to move her to an assisted living facility just a couple miles away, she was moved mid-july. Many trips to the ER as she would scream in pain and couldn't tell us what was wrong (her communication had become mostly jibberish). First hospital stay in Oct for 3 days for extreme edema. She was pulling out cath, biting/pulling IV so her hands had to be restrained; Dad and I needed to feed her as she wouldn't eat otherwise. Back to assisted for over a week, then took a nasty fall, hit her head hard, stitches on her arm, in hospital over two weeks, unresponsive, on nasal feeding tube. At this point, I said my final good byes to her. Very shocked she "woke" up and actually had somewhat of a conversation (was our last one), major cognitive impairment followed. She stopped swallowing so a tummy feeding tube was inserted so Mom would return to skilled nursing located where Dad is living (like a 3-minute golf cart trip for him). So, she lasted in assisted living 3 months. Had to change insurance for her beginning of year and since they could no longer classify her as skilled nursing as no possibility of returning home, she was classified as hospice (while remaining in the same bed, same room). Basically, all she does is sleep now, when awake, she utters sounds, only recognizes my dad. Dad feels horrible as he knows this isn't the QOL my Mom would have wanted (somehow, all legal paperwork for her was lost). Dad finds it difficult to see her and would wait for me to visit. Now his health is deteriorating. What I wouldn't give to have my Mom as I knew her back. We have a quarterly meeting Friday with the team so I'll know more about her status then.

Its been 1 1/2 years since I last posted. In that time, Mom has pretty much lost all her ability to walk. She even struggles to transfer from her recliner to her mobility scooter, to get in bed or use the toilet. She has an aid 2 -3 hours in the morning and 2 hours at night and I wonder if that is enough help. I mentioned getting more help the other day and Mom said she didn't need it....I will bring it up again a couple more times slowly and I know she will agree...that is how I have gotten help to begin with. First it was morning, then we added evening. If Mom falls when transferring, she is unable to get up. She will call me to help...often she tries and will call me when I'm not working. One time she called and as I got there, she had just gotten up and Mom told me it took her an HOUR!!! She is so unhappy. Mom was always a very independent woman, walking, going to aerobics and bike riding into her mid to latish 70's. The hard part is that it will only get worse. Mom has a horrible neurological disease called PSP. There is no treatment. It is so hard to see your parent decline. I love my mother dearly and would do anything for her and I help the best I can. Its just so unfair!!!