Aging Parents Anonymous

karen1956

A little update on my folks....Dad has been in the rehab facility for 11 days now....getting information is tough!!!!  I've spoken to one of the nurses and the SW....it seems that they only have to give 2 days notice for discharge...they meet on patients on thursday and if therapy recommends another week, generally the doctor goes along with that, but the doctor could come in a day or two later and suggest discharge.....Still trying to figure out the best option for Dad when he leaves the rehab facility...the SW thought that he would not qualify for SNL, but rather assited living facility...there is help to find a place within my folks financial means and to take Dad to see placecs.....And I need to look here in Denver....the hard part is trying to coordinate it all!!!  Dad has an appointment Monday afternoon with the cardiologist...the rehab facility arranged it and Mom will go with Dad....I told MOm to find out if Dad can fly and if Dad can be in Denver (cuz of the altitude)...Dad is still on oxygen...Need to find out (if we can) what brought on the congestive heart failure and prognosis (Dad previoulsy never had cardiac issues).....Then next Thursday, there is a family care meeting....I'm hoping that I can participate via speaker phone....Dad seems to be making progress physically, but he is still tired and does not have much of an appetite...and he is even social than he was....today is 3 weeks since he was admitted to the hospital and it has taken its toll....Mom seems to be doing better, but she is tired and continues to have difficulty with balance and her gait...she goes to see Dad every day, but is trying to make time to do things for herself.  I thought I might go again next week-end, but it is really too much for me and if I go, then I can't look into things here....My DH has a business trip to S. FL the beginning of December and he is going in a day early to see my folks....The whole thing is very stressful...but you do what you have to do....I really hope that I can bring my folks here to denver as it will be much easier than monthly trips to FL, plus I can do much more for them if they are here.  Thanks for everyones good wishes.  Karen

karen1956

The latest update on my folks....care planning meeting at the rehab facility today.....they are discussing discharge within the week.  Mom will need help to care for Dad at home and they will help faciliate some of it and JFS case worker is also helping.  Mom does not have the physical stamina or stability (her gait and balance) to help Dad in/out of the bath or other daily living skills.  If my folks stay in Florida, we really need to consider Mom moving to Independent living and Dad to assistive living.  If I can get them here, then I think Mom could manage in an apt and have help in the home for Dad or Dad go to assistive living.  Dad has a cardiologist appt this afternoon and then next week appts with the pulmonologist and the neprologist.  Mom is pretty overwhelmed with this all.  And I'm feeling stressed about it!!!  MY DH will be at my folks Sunday afternoon and part of Monday, so that is good.  I need to plan my next trip....wondering if I need to go down before my winter break or if it can wait the 3 1/2 weeks or so.....Karen

RobinNY

Karen

You poor thing!  It's so hard and your distance makes it worse for you.  Just wanted you to know that I m thinking of you!  

Robin

wahine

So sweet, Robin! And yes, Karen, I am thinking of you too. SO glad your DH will get to see them soon, and it does sound like you are on top of things. I guess your mom is ok with your dad going to assisted living? When I worked at a really nice retirement home, yrs ago as Activity Director, our assisted living people really didn't have THAT much help. They had someone bring their meds, take them to meals, and we would do activities with them and bible study, etc. But I don't know if they had help with bathing, etc. I would think they would have, as we had several alzheimers pts, but when they needed help with EVERYTHING, then they went to the nursing home side. I wonder how they do it where they are? I'll never forget this really sweet lady who dressed well and always liked ot be included in everything. Well, one day I was getting her to come to a morning current events meeting (telling them headlines, discussing what day it was, etc) and she was trying to put her shoes on. BUT she had grabbed her purse and was trying to fit her foot into it....that is forever engraved in my mind. I finally found her shoes and was able to get her all dressed. ANd one fellow who was SO sweet....one day he showed up, and his underwear was at the bottom of his pants leg. I had to casually (and tried to be inconspiculous) just pick up his underwear and hold it behind me. I mean, these people led very important lives, and I just hated to see them in this state, and just wanted to keep their dignity intact. If your dad does go to either assisted living or nursing home, I think its really good to have pictures of him there when he was younger, so the staff can see that once upon a time he really accomplished a lot and was quite the gentleman!

Well, we made it thru China with my parents, then a couple of days in LA. BUT my dad is getting so mean and rude to us, so he ruined this vacay too. We have taken them on so many trips with us, and a lot of them out of the country, but this may be the last. Just too hard, and then to have my dad treat us like crap, is just too much. BUT I think they both may be sick. We just got home 2 days ago, and yesterday my mom had a sore throat and stayed in bed all day, and today my dad has a sore throad and cough. I just saw where former Pres Bush is in the hosp after having a bad cold, and hoping it is not pneumonia. I will keep a watch on my parents, for sure! I know it was very tiring for them, but they did SO much, and NO ONE believes their ages (almost 96, and 92). THe chinese girls took pics with my mom, they thought she was in her 70's.

Well, hoping your parents will do well, Karen. And I know how stressful this must be for you. You go there so often, and with working, and still raising a family, it is very hard on you. I hope you can take SOME time for yourself and relax....maybe while your DH is away. Even if just for an hour or two....ignore the housework and cooking, and just do what you want to do. Read, relax, take a long bath, whatever! You need to recharge too. Keep us posted on how they are doing! (((((Karen)))))

Big Hugs,
Kathy

karen1956

Medically Dad is doing better...he saw his pcp last week and pcp said he hasn't seen Dad look this good in a long time....BUT....dad is not motivated to do anything....he more often than not does not want to cooperate with the OT/PT when he/she comes to the house....he sleeps more than he is up...today Mom said that Dad got into bed at 4!!!!  Mom has help 5 hours/day Monday-Friday.  Granted, its only 2 weeks tomorrow since Dad got out of rehab after more than a month in the hospital and rehab.  Mom is putting on a good "front"...but she is tired and really doesn't know what to do....Friends asked them to go out to dinner tomorrow evening (they asked a couple days ago) and Mom turned them down....Mom said its easier to stay home than get into the car, go to the restaurant and wait to be served!!!

I have information on 2 places here and will bring the paperwork with me to Florida for them to sign.....I will hopefully be able to see them tomorrow or Friday, but if not, I'll still fill out the paperwork....

I'm leaving early Sunday morning (the 23rd) to go to my folks and I'll be there till Thursday evening...I'm kind of at a loss of what my next steps are....if Mom had more help in the house, I would feel better about things.....Dad is not ready for SNF, and he wants to be at home, but he is not motivated to do anything to get back to before the hospitalization.....he doesn't have much stamina....it is really hard to sort out what is what....

Beckers

Hi there, I just ran across this thread. I lost my Dad last March...the same time I was being diagnosed. After 62 years of marriage, it has taken a toll and my Mom is starting to crash. Found out yesterday she is in permanent A-fib, found out this am she doesn't have Parkinson's, this afternoon saw ENT about lymph node in her neck. Siblings are sure she's getting ready to kick the bucket....doctors feel like we have anxiety....how many times I have heard about how "being 80 years old....this and that." I'm tired. I'm having stage 2 surgery next week. My world is very discombobulated since diagnosis. Seems we can't catch out breath. Thanks for letting me rant.

karen1956

(((((((((((((((Rebecca)))))))))))))))

karen1956

The PT is no longer servicing Dad at home as Dad refuses to do anything for him....PT talked to his office and they are going to have a SW come talk to Dad...PT thinks Dad is depressed!!!  duh!!! PT told Mom not to tell Dad about the SW thinking this might upset Dad....I don't think it really will, but don't think Dad will say much.   Dad has been on anti-depressants but obviously its not at the right dosage....Dad's never been motivated and this last illness has taken its toll....worried about Mom too....think she is also depressed....she is so overwhelmed (but really won't admit it)....She says she is just taking things "one day at a time"...yes this is good, but in a way, not....Nephrologist said Dad is anemic....but mom is just waiting till Dad goes back some time in January to deal with it!!!  Don't know if this makes a difference or not....

Stressing a bit about my visit....feel like I'm not doing enough to get them here.....but not sure the best way to proceed...so many steps to take!!!!  Mom is worried about money...she said that the 5 hours of help/5 days/week is getting expensive!!!  I told her yes, but its less than assistive living would be and that she can't do it all by herself!!!!

I've got tomorrow to run a few errands and make sure I have everything for the trip.  Saturday is Shabbat so no errands etc. 

On a positive note, DD is done her first set of finals....she is a freshman...she wants to go out to breakfast tomorrow so I said Yes.....then I need to clean the house and cook Shabbat dinner...the day will go fast.....So I best go do a little organizing tonight.....

Will keep you posed....thanks...

karen1956

Happy New Year....NOT!!!  Woke up early to find an email from Mom saying that Dad was admitted to the hospital last night with A-Fib!!!  But that is only part of the story....I had been there last week and things were doing relatively okay....Dad has declined since the month in the hospital and rehab....I had Mom pretty much convinced to move to Denver by me...we met with a realtor and she was beginning to slowly go through things...and I'm going back down for the MLK long week-end.....well back to Dad.....last night Mom and Dad were to go to the club house for a NYE event....Dad didn't want to go, but Mom got him to go...Mom had called me to talk to dad...Dad said he didn't feel good and didn't want to go...Mom said to him if he went and he didn't feel good she would bring him home....So I leave the phone conversation....Some how Dad insists on going on his electric scooter...tells Mom he knows how to go....she argues (so she says) a bit with him but he kept insisting.....he said he knew how to go and told Mom the correct way and took a flash light....Well dad never shows up!!  Mom and a friend try driving to look for him but don't see him....Why no one calls the Police I don't know....well eventually Mom gets a phone call from someone saying that Dad fell off his scooter and was calling 911!!!  Dad didn't have any ID with him, but has a "business card" with their home number and MOm's cell phone!!!  This was a couple hours after Dad was missing!!!!!  So Dad was admitted to the hospital....Today, I talked to DAd's nurse and he is stable, on oxygen...potassium is low and they are checking his blood sugar....I'll check in again tomorrow....Mom is overwhelmed and exhausted and having trouble walking today due to the fatigue and stress!!!!!  I was at my kids this morning and wondered if I should get on a plane back to Florida but after talking to mom, and Dad at the hospital and his nurse, knew it was okay to come home....plus I needed to be home...I got home this afternoon after being gone 10 days!!!  So....my work is cut out for me to get my parents here in Denver....I'm going to go look at places the rest of this week while I'm still off work....So lucky that Dad wasn't more hurt.....he was several miles from home!!!!  And worried about Mom dealing with all this....Thanks for listening....Karen

Beckers

Karen, I will be praying for you. My mom is in A-fib most of the time and she doesnt feel good. She is having angio on 17th. I had surgery last Thurs and my brother is her caretaker but his ex girlfriend is the ski patroller who went off cliff at Snowmass Ski Resort on Sunday so he is leaving tomorrow for services so my Mom and I will be taking care of each other. It is so hard and I cannot imagine relocating my parents. You do have your work cut out for you. My father passed in March and my Mom is lucky we all came to her. Hang in there.

geewhiz

Oh gosh Karen. I am so sorry. At least you found him safe and sound.

Try to keep a mental distance from it when you feel it making you anxious. I have to do this myself. I have an 87 year old mother in law with me who gets passed between my home and my sister in law who is her primary caretaker. But its draining.

I just had reconstruction, got the flu, and incision infections..all while having to also care for her. I had to start driving a little earlier than normal and had to haul her with me. She started yelling in the Costco to everyone that I had abducted her. Sigh.

I also have a dad that I just had to scrape pennies together to buy a car for...his died and he needs it to get to work. He lives paycheck to paycheck, so no car means no roof over his head and I would wind up bearing that burden too.

Now my mom called. She is having knee reconstruction and wants to come stay with me and have my sister come too. I have a husband and 3 kids!!! She lives 30 minutes away and says she has " no room" for my sister. My moms house has 4 bedrooms, but she fiils them with hobby crap. the last time my mom invited us over was 12 years ago. I have to host all family functions or they simply dont happen ( yes, I have a nice home...but STILL!!).

I think I missed the part of my life where people took care of me. INot sure how I always wind up the caretaker. grrr. Trying to make peace with it all somehow.

wahine

Oh no, this is so sad. My heart goes out to you all.

Beckers, You have had so much happen. So sorry about your brother's ex gf, what a sad way to go, and she was probably so young. I hope you and your mom were able to care for each other while he was away. And you lost your dad just a few months ago, I am so sorry about that too. Hope things are going better for you now and you are recovering well.

Karen, OMG that is SO scary that your dad was so many miles away and with no ID. Thank God he had your mom's cell with him and their home number. Wow. What a nightmare. Surprised your mom is doing as well as she is doing. How is your dad doing now? Is he still in the hospital? I am glad your mom is ok with relocating near you, as that seems the best option for them, and much easier for you to help them.

My parents are still doing well. They got sick after we returned from China, after Thanksgiving, but are well now. But my DH and I got the flu and upper respiratory infec, on the way home from NJ for a wedding...we returned home on New Years Eve and have been so sick ever since. Glad my parents haven't needed us there as I don't want to pass along any germs. My dad has an absessed tooth, but we were able to get antib's called in and pain meds, and hope the oral surgeon can fit him in tomorrow. Our dentist is already in Miami for the big Alabama-Notre Dame National Championship game tomorrow. Roll Tide!

Hoping things are better for you all. It is so nice to have this place to vent, but it saddens me when things get scary like this. Just so glad your dad wasn't badly hurt, Karen. Thats a blessing. Take care everyone.

Kathy

karen1956

Rebecca....wow....so much going on....hope you are taking care of yourself since your surgery....I've been out of town, so I hadn't heard about the accident at Snowmass....my condolences.....

Dad got out of the hospital on the 3rd and health wise is doing well.....He doesn't have much interest in doing much of anything....sleeping more than not....Friday night, Dad didn't feel good and was cold all night long and woke Mom up several times.....so Mom was pretty wiped out yesterday.  I spoke to Mom this (ouch....what did I just hit to loose what I wrote!!!)......morning and she made a comment that something is wrong with her and I said YES....Mom was making reference to her balance/gait/walking difficulties...She fell yesterday...Mom is insistent that she only has trouble when she is tired or aggrevated or both......NOT...its worse at these times, but she is always having trouble walking these days....Mom talked to my brothers wife (notice I didn't say SIL) yesterday and teh B**** (my words not mom's) said she has a similar problem....so Mom could hear this as brother's wife is 64.  

I spoke with my parents PCP today.....wanted to know what was going on with Dad....not much update as Dad is stable....Dad sees the PCP in the next week or so.....BUT I wanted to fill him in on MOm.....I asked if he knew what actually happened with Dad....PCP knew that Dad had fallen, but he didn't kniow the story that I posted above.....SO I told him.....and also talked about mom's concern with driving....She had a fender bender on the way to getting Dad.....SO PCP is going to make arrangements for Mom to have a neurological evaluation for her gait/balance and also for cognitive functioning....He's also going to make arrangements for Mom to take a driving test...classroom and on the road......if she doesn' pass, she looses her license......I know this will devastate Mom, but I had to do what I had to do.....I need to know where Mom is functioning cognitively...if she is having any dementia or if its just all the stress from Dad.......I am avoiding calling Mom tonight as I don't want to tell her I spoke to the PCP.....actually, its too late to call Mom tonight....I'll call her tomorrow.

I've looked at 4 Independent Living facilities for my folks.....one has a 7 - 9 month wait list.....one I didn't like at all....the other two I was quite pleased with and in fact I really like one and would move my parents there.....then I had this thought, maybe find an Independent Living place near where they are in Florida.....I think MOm would like that weather wise....but not sure if its in the best interest for me and really for them....I mentioned this to the PCP and he said if I'm going that route, to just move them by me....he said don't worry about the weather....in Florida you don't go out in the summer so in Colorado they won't go out in the winter.

The Independent LIving facilities are more than Mom wants to spend, but for now they have the money...the one I want also has Assistive Living and I think mabe SNF....

So I'll keep you posted....I'm going back down the my folks after work on the 16th and will be there till the 21st.....I also wanted to go over the long week-end in february, but my DH will be out of town.....so will have to go a different week-end....DH has taken on a lot of new territory for work (not his choice)...Atlanta, S. Florida, Orlando and Puerto Rico....and that goes along with his current territory of Colorado, Utah, San fran area, and Alberta!!!!  In January, he'll be gone as much as he'll be home!!!!

Here's hoping that 2013 gets better for everyone and will be a good year....HUgs, Karen

karen1956

2013 is not starting out well.....this is an email I got early this morning.....I just got a call from Dulcie. She is also quite worried about mom. Apparently mom is refusing to go to the hospital but she has tons of bruises from the accident. Dulcie does not feel comfortable in the car with mom driving but mom is continuing to drive around with a deployed airbag in the passenger seat. Dulcie also mentioned she is concerned that mom also is exhibiting signs of dementia. I explained that we were working on plans but I wanted to let you know this is really getting out of hand.   Then I got this email from mom's counselor....I questioned Mom about some awful bruises on her arms and bandaged a nasty skin tear.  She denied knowing where they came from and when I questioned her about the accident, she said “I don’t remember…maybe I blacked out.”  

The first email was from the case manager at JFS, the other her counselor...I had sent them both an update on Mom last night.......Mom's pcp called Mom today (twice) and mom wasn't home, but left a message wanting her to make an appt with a neurologist.....I spoke to MOm in the afternoon and she was in tears...Mom is so scared of what is going on...Mom has been healthy most of her life...the last time she had anything major was hernia surgery in 1967!!!!.she commented to me that something is going on!!!!  I'm so hoping she makes the appt tomorrow.  I also spoke with Dulcie for atleast an half hour this afternoon...She was so happy to hear from me...I had to get her phone number from the case manager....Dulcie thinks I should leave my parents in Florida and she could take care of them!!!!  PCP and counselor and case manager think my parents being closer would be best....I don't know....in one way, staying in Florida would make mom happy but I could only do that with the right help....but having them closer would be so much easier for me....Dulcie (care taker) of course has a vested interest!!!  I will talk to Mom in the morning.  I feel at such a loss....what to do before I get there next week....I feel like things are spiraling out of control!!!!  It is soooo hard....

Then to make matters worse....my 85 year old MIL was admitted to the hospital this morning....She passed out...doesn't know for how long...when she came to, she crawled to the phone and called my BIL...he called 911.....MIL BP wasd 198/120 when the paramedics took.....the dr in the ER was an a**....finally a doctor looked at all the info and told my SIL he didn't like what he saw.....The first CT scan she had came back WNL...they are doing a complete work up....MRI, blood work, chest xray, heart....MIL has been complaining of head pain and saying her arthritis in her neck is worse....SIL said that MIL didn't look good....MIL has also been healthy most of her life, though she did have corrauted (sp) artery surgery several years ago and has high B/P and takes meds.....SO its a waiting game...poor DH just left this morning for his sales meeting....he was annoyed with me, cuz no one told him what was going on till this evening around dinner time....this was my doing as I didn't want to worry him till we had some info....he called his brother to talk to him....was glad they talked but there was no new news other that what I told DH......sooooo needless to say DH is stressed to the max as well....scared about his mom....

So life is spiraling out of control at the moment.....Please keep my MIL as well as my parents in your prayers..........

wahine

OMG Karen, this is so overwhelming for all of you. These are such big decisions you have to make. I am feeling that maybe it might be best if you can move your parents closer to you, so you can watch over their care. Even though Dulcie is a great care-taker, if something happened to her, you would be at square one again. I think your mom may have dementia, memory loss. When my mom fell badly, afterwards she couldn't remember it either. I have to show her pictures of her injuries so she believes me. However she and my dad are still able to take care of their home and personal needs. I really do hope you can get your parents nearer to you. They sound like they need a lot of care right now. This way, you will know how they are doing, whether they are in an assisted living facility, or whatever care you can arrange for them.

I hate to hear that about your MIL too. I hope she starts improving, and am SO glad she was able to crawl to the phone to get help. That is so scary.

Let us know how things are going, and I will keep your entire family in my prayers.

Hugs,

Kathy

karen1956

MIL was discharged from the hospital today....not sure that we really got any answers....concerns if she was in fact taking her B/P meds.....BIL/SIL are trying to implement some changes...MIL kept telling them how wonderful my DH is....he is the prodigal son at this time!!!!

Talked to Mom today and she was cold to me....I asked if she called the pcp back and if she made the neurology appt....she goes...did you tell the pcp that I had cognitive problems!!!!  I lied and said NO, that I talked about dad and her problems walking....now I do want to tell her yes, that I told him I was worried about you....I talked to a friend tonight who is a pcp and sees lots of geriatric patients and he said I did the right thing and not change what I told mom....luckily, the neurology appt is when I'm there.....mom continues to go through things in the condo and keeps saying that it is all so overwhelming...she says that she knows moving is the right thing to do, but is overwhelming and she knows she collects too much junk but never thought she would have to move....I'm still worried about mom...I asked her when the neurology appt was and she didnt remember....she had to go look at her calendar....

The place I like here for my folks...Indepdendent Living has an opening the end of January, but they don't know about February yet...I just don't know how to coordinate it all but I know mom isn't ready to move the end of the month.....

But overall, today was a better day than yesterday....but who knows when the next "event" will happen!!!!

Beckers

Thank you all for the kind words. My brother made it back from Aspen. The memorial service for his ex was amazing I guess. My Mom has an angiogram Thurs. Have been trying to find out what's wrong for so long it seems. She is in A fib a lot of the time now. It's so hard to see parents decline. Even mentally. I wish you all the best.

karen1956

Hi everyone....Leah_S wanted me to let you know that her mother passed away.  She is in flight from Israel to LA for the funeral and for shiva (week of mourning).  She will be at her father's and her sister's houses.  If you would like to call Leah, please message me for the phone numbers.  Karen

karen1956

I've been at my parents since Wednesday night late and I'm here till around noon tomorrow....It is so sad....went with Mom to neurologist on Thursday and he has Dx Mom with Parkinsons....I guess he told her this 6 months ago, but Mom's pcp dismissed the Dx....Mom has started on meds for Parkinson and needs to use a walker...She does okay (but still not great) when she is rested, but the more tired she is or emotional disregulated, the more unsteady that she is....she can barely walk when tired.  PT starts again this week....don't know how long PT is Rx for....Mom is scared, sad and upset...I think Dad gets it, but he is a handful....he's used to being waited on hand and foot and doesn't like when mom does jump when he asked for something....they have help 5 hours/day during the week, but nothing on the week-end.  Dad is happy to spend the day doing nothing but just sit....he says he's not sleeping, but resting his eyes!!!  He's not interested in watching TV or much of anything else...its hard to get him to go out...His scooter is being repaird so this is a bit of the problem, but doubt things will change much when its back...The aid they have is very nice...I like her a lot...but sometimes she just sits and reads cuz Dad won't do anything...She does help him shower...does the laundry, fixes Dad lunch....Mom just has to let go of more....Mom doesn't have a car anymore...which is hard in the community they live in, but the aid can take them to Dr. appts, to the grocery or where ever...On the one hand Mom says she doesn't want to drive, but on the other she is mourning the loss of a car and says maybe she'll rent one!!!  but I don't think she will.  Mom is willing to move by me...now the question is.....is Independent Living adequate or does Dad really need Assistive Living?  Mom's needs can be met with Independent Living, but I'm not sure about Dad....also Dad wakes mom up a lot at night, so a 2 bedroom might be good, but they are a lot more expensive....so I need to sort things out when I get home....Mom is starting to go through things in the condo, to get it ready to put on the market, but good thing is, they can move before it is sold...winter is the best time to sell down here, but I worry that it would sell before we have secured the best place for them in Denver...the most affordable place has a wait list of 7 - 9 months and we only turned in the application a month ago.......Please keep my parents in your prayers....its a hard road.......

wahine

Karen, its SO good you are there with them right now. You might not have known how your mom is doing, since it sounds like she was in denial about the parkinsons (and her pcp too? Wonder why?). Walkers are hard to get used to, my DH had one after his knee surgery a few days ago but when I called him "clicker" (cuz the handles made a clicking noise when he would lift the walker up!), then he got rid of the walker after just one day! BUT I noticed in the ads today that they make walkers with seat/storage areas in them. You may know about that already, but if your mom gets tired, I wonder if this would be a good type for her to use till she gets stronger? They were $79 in our ads, but maybe medicare covers them. Praying your parents can move by you SOON and that a good place will open up that will be perfect for them. We just rented our condo this weekend to a couple that wanted it for their "elderly" parents (79 and 80), as its ground floor, no one above, and windows looking out to trees, grass, stream. Like a cottage, and has 2 br in case they need a caretaker. We will add a clause that they can break the lease anytime if their health deteriorates and they need to be somewhere else. With all of our elderly parents (mine 96,92), we definately understand that things can change quickly. I know it will be sad when you have to leave tomorrow, but you are doing the best you can, and it is so good you are there right now!

Rebecca, How is your mom doing? Did you find out anything? So sorry she is having those problems, she has been through SO much (and you too).

Whenever I take my parents anywhere, everyone is soooo surprised to find out their ages. They think they are in their 70's. They get around without any assistance and look so healthy. Just my mom's memory that is so bad. My dad mentioned to me the other day he thinks they may need assisted living, because of my mom. That broke my heart. But I told him we could always have someone come in to help, my mom loves their home so much. Plus the sunroom is almost all windows and feels like you are right on the lake, so its very nice, even on bad days.

Hugs to you all, and prayers for your parents! Keep us posted on everything, ok?

kathy

karen1956

Kathy....its only 3 weeks from the time I left last month till I got here this visit...I've been here monthly since October...not sure when I can get back down next month as DH is travelling more...wanted to come presidents week=end to take advantage of the extra day, but hubby needs to be in Atlanta for part of the time....so doesn't work......Mom has tried a 3 wheel walker and a metal walker with 2 wheels and doesn't like either...I think it takes getting used to...she will ask the PT on Tuesday....she can barely walk when she is tired or stressed....today was not a good day.....she fell asleep watching TV at 8....and woke up at 10 totally disoriented...didn't know the day or time.....fortunately she got into bed...but just now dad woke her up for something!!!! they're talking but I can't really hear what they are saying....It just breaks my heart...Mom is soooo sad and devastated by what is going on with her....I've seen such a decline in the past year...actually since June...its scarey to think what the future holds....Mom loves florida and the weather and the community, but I think she knows that she can't stay here.....I would love to let them stay if they would get more help.....Mom wants me to make the decision!!!  part of me thinks that dad needs assistive living, but don't really know if they want to be in 2 different places...I offered that to mom today....asked her if dad was in assistive living could she manage in their condo and she wasn't sure, then said she thought she would still need help.....I never thought mom would not be indendent till the end!!!!  I just need a good cry!!!!  but I can't cry...

wahine

(((((Karen))))), I also wish you could cry and get all those feelings out. It IS hard when our parents decline, hard to have them needing US instead of the other way around. I don't know if this would help your mom or not, but I will relate something that happened with my mom. About 10 yrs ago my mom was widowed (married to my stepdad for 30 yrs!), and other than a big $$$ scam that scammed her, she was doing everything herself, very independant and capable. She and my dad started writing, then he came to visit and I guess he thought she should be like she was 20 or so, because since she was forgetting just a few things, he had her convinced she had lost her mind. I didn't know this till I dropped by to visit after she had taken him to the airport. I was shocked...she didn't know ANYTHING...I asked her what was wrong and she shook her head like she wasn't aware of anything. She finally told me what my dad had said to her. Well quickly I convinced her that WASN'T the case and she had not lost her mind, was quite the opposite as she was doing great at everything. So she snapped right out of it and was her regular self. (Oh and my parents remarried almost 9 yrs ago).SO a couple of yrs ago when she started getting forgetful I just kept saying that was ok, that she is doing so well for her age and it was normal to forget things. That I forget things too. So although she wasn't happy about it, she accepted it and would just say things about how she wished she could remember things, but she can't anymore. I think because she accepts it (but then again she is much older than your mom!), it doesn't get her depressed. I know she would LIKE to remember things like before, but she can't, so we do what we can. She is SO happy and cheerful all the time, and takes things in stride. It ALSO helps that my dad does so much for both of them, and she is not worried about his health, like your mom is about your dad. MUCH DIFFERENT situation, for sure. But I just wonder if there is some way for your mom to realize it is ok that she can't do everything anymore, and can't remember everything? Some way to build up her confidence and a way for her to accept things as a new normal? I don't know, just a thought. I just hate what your parents are going through, and was just trying to think of ANYTHING that might help your mom to feel better about things. Of course, the parkinsons doesn't help matters, any. And too bad she didn't like either of the walkers. Just a hard situation, isn't it.

Its great you have been there so often, and I can imagine how hard that is, since you have your family to care for, also, as well as your job. Hang in there, Karen! I do wish you were able to get it all out, you need to keep up your strength and health too! Hoping your mom will be ok with her situation, and not get so scared and upset about it. It has to be so hard for her! I just don't know how I would handle it, either. Sending prayers up for your parents, and for you too.

Hugs,

Kathy

Beckers

Hi girls. My mom had angiogram last Thur. Of course it can't be simple....that night I got a call from her at 2 am because it started bleeding. Not externally but all inside. She now has HUGE hematoma. I'm staying with her. Question: how do you get help 5 hours a day Karen? I have to go back to work the week of 28th. :-/

karen1956

Rebecca....they hired an aid who works independently...they were given the name from their case manager with JFS.  I think agencies have a 3 or 4 hour minimum, so they could have gone this route, but it would have been more expensive.  sorry to hear that your mom is having complications from the procedure.  All the best.....being a sandwich generation is sooo hard....I still have kids at home and I also work!!!  Karen

karen1956

Home from Florida and feeling sooooo sad!!!!  It was so hard to leave my parents.....just want to cry!!!!

karen1956

I think I have found the right place for my folks...it is literally round the corner from my place...walking distance....It is more affordable that the other place I was going to select...so I can get a 1 bedroom with a den for my folks for less than a one bedroom at the other place.  I sure hope I'm not being penny wise and dollar foolish, but I really liked this place when I saw it.

I wonder how long my parents will be able to stay in Independent living.  Mom is falling more.  She has a second opinion neurolgy appt on Tuesday.  She cancelled the DaT scan last week as the logistics to go by herself were just too difficult.  Will see what this neurologist says about the test....I sent mom a list of qestions to ask the neurologist.

I'm really worried about my folks...dad is loosing interest in things and pretty much does nothing during the day.  Today they went out to eat lunch with friends and friends had to help my folks carry the food and MOm still fell.  Mom says "I have no problem when I get up and early in the day"...but when I'm tired or as the day goes  on.....You have to read through the lines to mean that she is not falling or really struggling early in the day.  

Mom wants me to make all the decisions about the places...but then she asks  how much of her furniture can she bring....I don't think its wise to schlep it across country.  all they need is a  bedroom set, living room furniture....if they get the apt with a den, then a couple more chairs and maybe little table...I've started to look on craigslist....It seems overwhelming to me to coordinate it all....especially now that my husband is travelling more....but it could all come together in the next month or so.....

I just hope I making the right decision....

wahine

Sounds like you found a great place, Karen! And within walking distance of you, thats perfect! Your mom may feel more comfortable with some of her furniture, maybe find out what she truly loves,and it may be worth the cost of shipping it or bringing it somehow. My mom ended up moving almost her entire household (4 br house) to HI, but I was glad we kept a sofa and upholstered chairs that she loved, so when they got their vacay place here, it looked perfect there. BUT then when they moved back here permanently a few months ago, all that  stuff got shipped back here!! Was very $$$$, but she could afford it, and I know all her stuff around her, makes her happy. So even it your mom just wants one or two pieces, it may make her happier. Hope she doesn't want to bring everything though!! I hate that she is falling so much, but glad they may move by you very soon. I noticed my mom has lost interest in shopping in the last 2-3 months, and she used to LOVE it. She is happy just being in their home, watching the ducks/geese/herons, on the water. When they get older, they just lose interest in things.

Hope things will work out with that place you found!!!

karen1956

Feeling sad this Purim night....went to a Purim Seudah with Mom at the Chabad near where she lives...it was lovely....but Mom is not doing well....She fell 3 times at the Seudah and the last time was falling off her chair.....The other two times were once trying to get up out of her seat and the other when she went to get something from the chocolate fountain.....I had a lot of help getting her in the car to go home, then used the small wheelchair they have for Dad (that he never uses) to get her in the house....put her to bed...with explicit directions NOT to get up...well the phone range...I answered it because it was my brother and she got up to see who called and fell again!!!!!  I am soooo scared.  Mom refuses to let me call 911...she keeps saying she isn't hurt from falling etc...But if I take her to the ER, then I have the worry about my Dad......Mom has a neurologist appt at 10 tomorrow morning to get the results of an MRI and blood work that was done a couple weeks ago.....I'm supposed to leave tomorrow afternoon and soooo afraid to leave....I won't even print off my boarding pass in case I have to change my ticket....they have help a few hours/day, but I don't know what to do......I guess I will see how the night goes and what the neurologist says.....Back to the ER, if I do take Mom and they admit her to the hospital even just overnight, I couldn't go home and leave them here alone...the amount of help is not enough for Dad....I am moving my parents to Denver and was planning after Pesach, around the middle of April....my DH is travelling a lot and between my work schedule and Passover, that seemed to be the best date...till now....but that may be too long....they are supposed to go into Independent Living, but now I wonder.....Thursday, Mom seemed to be doing so well.. .she was walking better than I have seen her in months.....and then the past couple days she has been struggling.....I sure wish we had some answers....this new neurologist says its not Parkinson....so what the h*** is it!!! Mom is in denial with everything but tonight did say we need to tell the neurologist what happened.  .....I feeel like I need to sleep on the sofa in the living room so I'm closer to their bedroom so I can help if Mom needs to get up to go to the bathroom....she struggles using the walker that it is not very much help....I have another trip scheduled for March 6 - 11 and maybe I need to move them then and deal with the apt at a later date and just move them with the essentials and next week-end go buy furniture for their apt in Denver....I really need a walk tonight, but I'm scared to leave the apt, so I'll just hang out here on the computer!!!  Any words of wisdom????  I was feeling pretty optimistic when I saw mom on Thursday and now, well its total fear of the unknown and whats going on!!!1

MelissaDallas

Karen, I work for a probate lawyer and we deal with lots of elderly problems & guardianships. You are going to have to get help NOW. You cannot leave your parents for even a few weeks. Your parents are in imminent danger with your mother falling like that. Please talk to the neurologist in the morning and get in touch with the local office of HHS or whatever it is they have in Florida to see what resources are available. If you should leave & she falls & ends up in the hospital it is a very real possibility that Adult Protective Services could get called in considering your Dad is not doing well either. They need to go home with you now. I'm also not convinced that they are independent enough for only assisted living.



I'm so sorry & I know how incredibly difficult this is for you, but job or not, traveling husband, etc. this has to be dealt with now. We just went through similar circumstances with my grandfather. His memorial service was yesterday. He had round-the-clock sitters for the last two years.

karen1956

Melissa....thanks.....the only problem is that I don't know that there apt by me is ready...don't have any furniture....I could take the week off work if need be and stay and have dh get the furniture, but there is the issue of Independent vs assistive living if they need Asssitive living, then I don't know if there is an apt.....They saw the pcp Thursday and she didn't see any  of this with mom.....the pcp thinks mom is doing better than she is...maybe when they get the results of the driving test and cognitive test they did it will alert the pcp to what is going on....Mom did not pass the driving test so driving is not longer and issue and she doesn't have a car so I don't have to worry about her driving....and the guy who did the driving test said there was some mild cognitive issues but wouldn't elaborate...mom and pcp will get copy of test results....but whatever, mom did well enough to be allowed to even take the road test.......I could see if I could get more help here for them...but mom is very resistive....they have help and she is resistive to letting them do things....Today is the worse I've seen mom....she has gone days without falling...this is the first time she has fallen since I got here early, early thursday morning.....I know she doesn't always tell me what is going on.....I'm  the only one who can do any of this.....and I have an almost 15 year old DD at home that needs to have at least one parent home...There is just sooo much going on....I can take time off work if need be...family comes first.....but I have my family to also worry about......I have a brother but he is not able to help (and he lives in Ohio)....

I have lots of questions for the neurologist tomorrow and will see how mom is doing.....then decide next steps....BTW...I have POA for both my parents...