Aging Parents Anonymous

wahine

Althea,

I will look for that book. How touching that your brother had just given it back to you. Never know the meaning of things like that. So touching, and SO meaningful right now. I was thinking of you while in FL on vacay (just got back yesterday), as you had lost your brother way too young, and a friend of mine on bco lost a former co-worker who had 2 young children, and then another bco friend's SIL found her DD dead, the same day. I just couldn't believe all that sadness, and it broke my heart. My brother is deep into mediation these days, but he is waaay too deep for me, and I think the book you mentioned might be a better way to start. That was wise of your reverend to say that grief is not meant to be held onto. Hard to do, but very wise.

When I went skydiving a few days ago (for the first time), it was because my late DH was a jumpmaster in his NG Green Beret unit. He loved it so much, and I always wanted to try it. Well, my late DH passed away over 20 yrs ago at age 41. On the long ride to the skydiving place, I was looking at the many clouds, while my current DH was driving. Well, I have never seen anything like this before, but as I looked out my side window, a cloud looked just like the shape of his Green Beret Jump Wings, with the wreath on the top, which was for the Jumpmaster. I mean it looked just like it. I just stared at it, did not even tell my Dh what I was seeing. THEN it morphed into a big heart. A few seconds later, it morphed into TWO intertwined hearts. It was SO spiritual and I knew he (my late DH) was with me. Brought me so much peace and I wasn't scared of jumping out of that plane, I was just beaming with happiness.

My heart still goes out to you. How is your mom dealing with this sadness? Take care, and thank you so much for letting us know how you are doing.

Hugs and Love,

Kathy

althea

Kathy, what an amazing experience you had!  How fortunate that you were gazing out the window at that moment.  A celestial slideshow made especially for you.  Thank you for sharing. 

karen1956

I just got back from a long week-end in S. FL at my parents.....I think my dad has declined since my visit in August....my mom is also struggling....yesterday she lost her balance and almost fell when she walked out of her apt...it was very scarey to see...and then later when we were walking she fell.....No one seems to get a handle on it...one doc says its from meds, so she stopped them, another says something else and no answers....very scarey to come home with no answers......I'm trying to get them to move to Denver by me.....Mom is worn out from care taking, but she is not ready to place dad as she doesn't think he needs it yet...yet at other times, she's ready to run away!!!  They are waiting for medicaid waiver to be approved for help in the home....oh yeah....its called diversion.....Dad is pretty much totally incontinent with urine and hit or miss with bowel....he wears depends, but ends up soaking through them....mom is in some what of denial......My folks are young, so it makes it all that much harder....mom is 78 and dad 82!!!  I'm going to start lookng at places here...both independent places like their own apt...there is a retirement community not too far from me...and then also look at places that have a continuum of care from independent living to assisted living to......Anywhere I look, needs to be close to me, within 10 minutes or so......Will keep you posted....

RobinNY

Hi Karen

Its so hard when parents are in denial.  I can't imagine your stress being so far away.  Good luck finding a place close to home for you...at least you will have your choice made in your head.  My Mom went unwilling to Assisted Living...ended up loving her roommate and had a great time living there.  Hope you have the same great experience in the future with your parents.

Hugs!

Robin

althea

My mom turns 85 on Saturday.  We ventured out today and voted early.  I'll be fixing beef stroganoff for dinner on Saturday for Mom and two dear friends.  Our consumption of wine is way up.  Waiting for a 'special occasion' seems passe in the aftermath of my oldest brother's sudden passing.  Every day is special right now.  With every sunset, I am grateful to have her one more day. 

karen1956

My Dad was admitted to the hospital this morning.  Last night, mom and dad went out...at first dad was okay, then he got sooo chilled that he could not warm up,, so mom took him home....he couldn't get warm all night and wet the bed several times....he didn't want mom to call 911...so this morning, mom said she didnt' care and took him to the ER...they admitted him....he had a fever of 103......and in the groin area a rash....and white blood count elevated.....oncologist and infectious disease doctor saw him....plus one other who mom didn't remember who/what.  talked to mom tonight and she was pretty calm....I was just there last week and asked mom if she wanted me to come again next week-end and she said no she was okay....really don't have any other news other than mom said all the tests came back normal....dad is on O2 and on heavy duty antibiotics...they say he is in kidney failure....but they have said this many times, so not sure what they really mean....mom doesn't seem too overly concerned.....she sent me an email this evening in case I wasn't planning on calling till tomorrow...she didn't call me today as it was shabbat, but had she called, I would have answered the phone....I'm worried about my dad.....not sure what all this mean.....last week-end when i was there, there was one night when he was so chilled you could hear him shiver, but he got warm in bed with sweats on and covers......so don't know what is going on......Please keep my parents in your prayers....will keep you posted as I get info.....Thanks, karen

RobinNY

Karen,

Sending up a prayer for your parents and you. Keep us posted



Hugs!



Robin

susan_02143

Karen,

I read your posts about your parents and my heart just goes out to you. It is hard. They aren't aging that well and it is so very hard to know what is the right thing to do. And even if you do, then you have to convince them as well.

I have no words of advise. I don't know what the best thing for the three of you is. I just hope that whatever you decide it is, you can make happen for them.

*susan*

wahine

Oh Karen, my heart goes out to you too, and prayers for your dad and all of your family. So scary. What a hi fever he had, too. Amazing that your mom can be calm about this, must be so hard on her. I wish they were closer in distance to you, as this makes it so hard, being far away. Let us know how your dad does, and I am praying for improvement and healing. (((((Karen and family)))))

Althea, It was (and still is) so sad that your brother passed at such a young age. I like your words of wisdom though, as far as not keeping things for a "special occasion", good words for all of us. I have some ice wine, that is not doing any good just sitting there unopened. I will try to make every day "special" as you are doing.

Robin, That was nice to hear that your mom ended up liking being in Assisted Living. Always a hard choice, but nice when it works out to be the best arrangement.

My dad got Shingles about 3 wks ago, didn't tell me till the rash was so painful and I took him to the clinic asap when I saw it. He got on some good meds, but it still hurts him a lot (he is 95). Then when we went to a dermatologist to make sure he was on the right meds for the shingles, he mentioned he had a big mole that had ripped open on his back and was hurting him, so the derm cut it off and biopsied it. It is cancer, so I have to take him back this wk to have more cut out. BUT my dad said he felt so good after it was cut out cuz the pain had been so bad. I asked how long it had been hurting, he said since he got here (end of July)....What??? I wish he wouldn't try to be so stalwart and admit when he is in pain. My mom is doing well, still very forgetful, but happy and takes care of her personal needs, and remembers when we are getting together, so that is good. We were gone a wk in Gatlinburg and Asheville (got my nip tatts redone), and just got home this weekend, but they did fine.

Hope things improve for your dad, Karen. And hope everyone else is doing well.

Hugssssssssssss,

Kathy

althea

Karen, I'm so sorry to hear your dad is in such a bad way.  I hope for the best possible outcome for him, and your mom too. 

Kathy, those shingles are nothing to mess around with.  I hope there's no complications from the delay in treatment.  I had what was probably a mild case in 06 and it just doesn't seem possible to have them and not say anything about them.  Best wishes to your dad.  I hope the removal of the cancerous mole is all the treatment he needs. 

I'm breathing a bit easier today.  My mom had a rough week.  My remaining brother was not only in the path of the hurricane, but he also had some internal bleeding that landed him in the hospital.  My mom worries a lot and was suffering from insomnia.  Her cognition is shaky on a good day, and it's very distressing to see it deteriorate in such a short amount of time.  By Saturday, however, my brother was doing better, back at home with the power back on.  I fixed a nice dinner for 4 and we all had a good time.  I'm thankful for each day, and some days even more so. 

karen1956

Talked to MOm earlier this afternoon....the infectious doctor was in  and was pleased with how Dad was doing....the infection seemed to be almost gone....Mom didn't know what/where and commented maybe he had a blood infection....I think it was/is a kidney infection....don't know how much longer they are going to keep Dad in the hospital.  Mom left the hospital about an hour or so ago to go home...she is going to go out with a friend tonight....She needs to take care of herself, so I'm glad she is  going out....this was something she and dad had plans for...so instead a gf is going with her...I think its a bingo night at their club house.

I went to look at a place that a friend told me about today....omg.....couldn't believe how expensive it was!!!!!  for independent apts, you "buy" it for 165K, then its 3500/month.....assistive living is even more expensive....I asked the gal who could afford this place and she took offence and said most of the cottages are occupied (I think there are 70) and she said people do, and that there other facilities are more expensive!!!!!!  This place does not take insurance, medicaid or anything!!!

I got information on another place that is just assitive living and more care and it is more reasonable...I will contact the person during the week to see if they take medicaid diversion funds or what.   There is also a retirement condo complex not too far from me that is reasonably priced.....but I don't know if my folks can afford an apt and assitive living for Dad...but then again thats what they would do in FL.   I want to check out a few places and then when I can talk MOm into a visit to denver (while dad is in respite as its too hard to have mom take care of him while travelling)...then mom could make some decisions...,.I think though, its all too much for her right now to absorb.  I want to talk to the people who work with my folks in FL to get some directions...the case worker where dad goes to adult day care and the person helping with all the paperwork......Oh my.....never thought I would be doing this while still raising kids at home......but I do want my folks closer to me......its just sooo hard to have them so far away now that they are aging, not so well....

Thanks for all the support.  Karen

karen1956

Dad is still in the hospital...he is on oxygen and still on antibiotics...haven't really gotten any answers....waiting for Dad's pcp to call me this evening....I've been promised by his office that he will call me....They are going to send Dad to rehab, but don't know when this will happen...It has been really frustrating....they did a swallow test today and it came back normal, but otherwise don't really know what is going on...Mom is frustrated with all this and Dad in some ways feels defeated and doesn't care if he doesn't live!!!!  Yesterday was worse than today....yesterday he was argumentative and difficulty...he didn't want to keep the oxygen on and his O2 saturation was only 70%...today he was wearing his oxygen and being more compliant.....I may go to my folks next week-end....mom is so exhausted that she almost tried to disuased me from coming....told me it was my decision and she could manage okay!!!  Well .....got to go, its almost candle lighting.....

wahine

Oh Karen, so hard to hear that your dad is still in the hospital, and getting defeated. Glad he did better today, and hope he has the will to really try hard, with whatever exercizes or therapy they do in rehab. I am glad you will be going there soon. I am sure your mom does feel so worn out and at her wits end. You'll be a big help to her.

(((((Karen and family)))))

Big Hugs,

Kathy

evergreen9

My 89 year old mom had been living with me for three and a half years, with worsening dementia, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

First, I agree re taking an elderly parent to a gerontologist. My mom's gerontologist made significant med changes, including deletions of drugs working at cross-purposes, that had been prescribed by her GP.

It is sad to see your parent leave you before they actually die. But caring for her is something I will never forget. I am so glad she lived with us. She died at 91, and never knew about my cancer. She never even noticed my hair was gone.

wahine

Evergreen, I am so sorry about your mom passing, but it sounds like you were a great daughter, and took loving care of her. I am touched by your words and how true they are, when you wrote..."It is sad to see your parent leave you before they actually die'. I had not thought of it that way, but it does ring true. I didn't even think of locating a gerontologist for my parents (92 and almost 96) when they moved from Hawaii to be near me, 3 mo ago. I wish I had thought of that...meant to, then got caught up in the hectic life of getting all new doctors, dentists, specialists, for them, and helping them with things. I still haven't gotten my dad in to see the GP, but we finally have an appt, after having to wait forever for his HI dr to fax over all his records. Since he has been here, he developed Shingles which is very painful even though now the sores are healing, and also a new skin cancer. My mom's memory is failing badly, but she still looks great and takes care of all her personal hygiene, and most household tasks. I am amazed that my dad still does the finances, cooking, etc. BUT I am lucky that they are pretty healthy, in fact we are taking them with us to China in a few days. I think i have more health problems than they do!

Anyway, I am glad you posted here. Everyone contributes in some way, and we can all learn from each other. Thank you!

Hugs to you all,

Kathy

evergreen9

Wahine,

Sounds like you will be very busy helping to care for your parents. But at the end of the day, it is worth it! Relationships are what is important in life. And while sometimes caring for elderly parents can be demanding, even frustration (esp when you are ill too), the rewards are timeless. Good luck!

karen1956

Dad's pcp finally called me Friday evening....the cause of the infection is pulmonary...no definitive Dx...told either congestive heart failure or aspiration pneumonia...pcp will re-evaluate Dad on Monday or Tuesday and decide when Dad is going to rehab...pcp said that Dad is too weak and debilitated to go home....Dad has been more cooperative the past couple days...keeping on the oxygen and today he participated in PT.....pcp denied that an oncologist was called in for dad, but Mom has the surgical oncologist's card...pcp said he called in infectious disease, pulmonary and cardiology...don't really feel that I am getting satisfactory answers but its better than what I had before...mom is pleased that I talked to the pcp and will be talking to him again beginning of the week...I mentioned to the pcp about mom's difficulty walking and falling and felt like he blew me off, but said he would be in all week and mom could call in...spoke to mom tonight and she sounded exhausted...she is still soooooo tired!!!!  I'm thinking that I need to go down there this week.....will check with mom tomorrow morning and book the ticket...if I don't go this week, it will be 2 more weeks as next week is thanksgiving....I really want to get my parents here...I now know that i need to look at assistive living for Dad and either an apt/condo for mom or independent living for her....I think mom is willing to move here...this new issue with dad is taking its toll on mom and I think she appreciates my help and would be willing to give up her community and warm florida weather to have the extra help....if they do come here, I want them within 10 minutes of me....there is a senior housing community not too far and there is an apt complex right near me if mom can live in her own place...there is also an independent living place 5-10 minutes away.....it will take time to get this all sorted out....first we got to get dad well....never imagined that I would be part of the sandwich generation......but it is what it is....fortunately, my DH is supportive of me doing whatever I need to do for my parents.....

wahine

(((((Karen)))))

karen1956

Talked to Mom today.....she is stressed beyond stressed.....She does not want me to come...says she doesn't need the help and to save my money!!!  So unless she changes her mind tomorrow, I won't be going to my folks till sometime after turkey day.....Infectious doctor mentioned Sepsus to mom today, but said they don't know where the infection came from.  Mom is angry and annoyed with Dad....she is really struggling with this whole thing....Dad didn't want to do the OT today so Mom got upset....Mom wouldn' stay at the hospital that long as she as "tired of Dad".....I talked to Dad and he sounded better today.....Its so hard being so far from them...but as much as I want to be there, I have to respect Mom wishes....I wonder if mom would change her mind if I said I wanted to see DAd....but I can't put her on the spot.....Just so frustrating!!!!!  Thanks for being here for me to vent!!!

wahine

Dear Karen, Just my 2 cents here (which isn't worth much!), but in the past when I have been upset and frustrated (b4 my bilat mast) and my DD offered to come and see me and to help, I told her the same thing. AND she was moving her family to another state so I knew she was busy. BUT I did want her to come, just didn't want to say it. She decided to come and the day of my surgery (which was not till 5:30 pm) she and I spent the entire day laughing and talking, and it helped me so much, as I went in to surgery happy. So I am wondering if your mom really does need your help and would love for you to come, BUT, being a mom, she is thinking of YOU and doesn't want you to spend your money to help her, etc. I think if you CAN go, and can afford the time and the expense, she would probably welcome yo with open arms. BUT I do not know your mom, and like I said, this is just my 2 cents worth. I know its hard for you being in the "sandwich" generation, but if at all possible, it might be worth so much to your mom to have you there.

BIG HUGS!!!!

Kathy

evergreen9

I agree with wahine. I often discourage my daughters from doing things for me because I want to save them time, effort or money. Once they told me, "Mom, we need to share your challenges and pain and worry. As daughters we must be part of this." So I say, go and support your mom.

karen1956

Kathy and Evergreen....knowing Mom, I think she doesn't want anyone there.....the plane fare is cheap and I have the time and if she needed me, and the plane fare wasn't cheap, I would still be there and I think Mom knows it.....ususally when I'm coming she is looking forward to me....I think she is so overwhelmed and frustrated and angry she just doesn't want anyone around...and I think the thought of any extra work like making the bed..which she doesn't need to do is stressing her out..I was just there 2 weeks ago and I have been going every 2 months.....she is sooo tired...she over did it working the election last week and it just sent her over the edge....I offered to come this week-end when dad was admitted to the hospital and the way she said no then was different than now...last week-end I think it was cuz she didn't think dad would be in the hospital so long....now its that she is just beside herself....I have thought about just showing up, but I'm afraid it would make her angry at me and that is the last think i want to do....When I talk to her tomorrow, I will try to sound her out...She knows I would be there in a heart beat for anything.....I think Mom is angry at Dad...for being sick and for being Dad...a stubborn old man....she's worn out from being a care taker and finds it difficult sitting at the hospital...she goes for less and less each day.....She is going to bed early....by 8pm....she gets in bed and watches TV and falls asleep.....she's not eating properly.....says she's not hungry....she tells me what she is eating, so I know she is eating but not teh best....I'm worried about her.....Well...I'm rambling....will keep you posted....

karen1956

Finally got an answer regarding Dx for my Dad.....congestive heart failure and sepsis....he is supposed to be discharge to a rehab facility.  Sadly, I don't think Dad can go home...I think he needs more care than Mom can give him.....really think its time to look at skilled nursing for him......I am going to go to my folks after work on Wednesday....to get a decent fare (they went up from last night...could kick myself for just not buying it), I need to leave on an 8:30 am flight Sunday morning....so I really only have Th, F and Sat....Saturday is my Shabbat, so won't go see Dad till the evening...I'm hoping Mom will let me take care of her...cook meals and run errands plus go with her to see Dad.....Sadly, I think Mom will soon need assistive living....I've seen her age in the past couple months....don't know how much is from being a care taker and how much is just her aging.....Very, very sad......Now that I booked the ticket, I'm having second thoughts about going, but I know its the right thing to do...glad I only work part time.....only good thing is that I'll be home before noon on Sunday.....

wahine

So sorry to hear all of that, Karen. Hoping your mom is just reacting to being so rundown and emotionally and physcially drained, and will improve once she gets some good rest. Very sad to hear your dad's dx, am hoping rehab can do a lot for him. I am glad that you will be there soon, but too bad the tix went up! That's the way it goes, isn't it. I guess cause the holiday will be here soon? Hope you can help your mom out a lot while you are there, as well as get something lined up for them. (((Karen)))

Hugs, Kathy

susan_02143

Karen,

Sometimes it is almost impossible to know just the right thing to do. As long as your parents are of sound mind, they get to make their own decisions, even if they are not the ones you think are the best. The trip will exhaust you I am sure, but perhaps it will be good that you can access both of your parents for yourself in person.

Safe travels,

*susan*

evergreen9

I think you're doing the right thing. Ask yourself, "If the situation were reversed, what would they do?"

karen1956

Susan...thanks...I was just at my folks the end of October so its not that long since I've seen them...Dad has dementia and is physically limited with his mobility due to back surgery...its been a matter of time till we needed to find a place for Dad....it just seems that he needs more care since being so sick....and mom....I've just seen a decline over the past few months...I've been going to see them every couple months over the past year or so....And the reason I'm going is because I know its the right thing to do....:)

Kathy...thanks...such is life...fares go up and go down...its still not a bad fare...just wish I had the afternoon flight on Sunday....and just rented my car through hotwire, so I'm good to go.....

Evergreen...thanks...

Will keep you posted....

karen1956

Been at my folks since late Wednesday night and going home early tomorrow morning...wish I had more time, but it was the only flight I could get at a decent price....Mom has told me several times how glad that she is that I came...should I bought my ticket on Sunday and not listened to her....

Dad was transfered to a rehab (SNF) on tuesday afternoon...he is getting PT twice daily...I went to see him Thursday and Friday with mom.  Today mom went in the morning and we went together motzei shabbat getting there around 6:30...we only stayed 1/2 hour as Dad said he wanted to rest and was tired...he didn't eat dinner tonight...No real updates since he was transferred to the rehab facility...I talked to the SW and they said they have 5 days to evaluate a patient and then they meet every Th on patients so Friday is the best day to call...well I realized that next week is  turkey day so they won't be meeting...sure hope that doesn't mean I have to wait 2 weeks for an update....I will call the SW the beginning of the week...no email addy on her business card, so that is frustrating...Mom is really struggling....she is so overwhelmed both physically and mentally.....she has been a caretaker for almost 6 years (january will be 6 years)...she makes comments that she didn't this and didn't that when dad was in rehab the last time (being 2007 and 200) and I said, Mom you are 5 years older and your body is worn out...you have been doing this a long time....Mom has a lot of difficulty walking and with balance...I keep pushing her to use a cane...saying I don't want her to fall....Mom has all but stated that she really doesn't want to leave FL, but she knows it would be better to be near me, so I think I can get them to move to Denver, but I need to look into what benefits they can get in Colorado (vs Florida)....They are on a limited income.....I'm also talking to mom about the reality that it may be the time to have dad moved to assitive or snf....that it may be best for him not to live at home.....on the one hand she says I hope he stays there for at least two week, but yet on the other hand she is missing him.....its so very hard....They've not had it easy.....and to make matters worse, my brother was admitted to the hospital yesterday evening...when mom found out, I thought she was going to loose it!!!   Not sure if I should come back on the 28th for the week-end or just wait till my winter break....my dh will be here for the night on dec 2nd....he will stay at my folks and see dad and mom...take mom out to eat....don't think dad will be home by then.....So I have my work cut out for me looking into places in Denver and finding out what is available for dad....oh did I ever tell you what the final Dx was....found out day before he was discharged from the hospital...sepsis and congestive heart failure.....thats all for now....need to pack as I have to leave for the airport before 6 tomorrow moring......

Cindyl

So mom's visit to the wound clinic (bed sore) led to admission to the hospital. Sitting here now waiting for the doctor to show up. Fortunately, she has a private room, so she should be able to get more rest than as she did last time.

wahine

Cindy, I hope your mom is comfortable and not in pain. Some Thanksgiving, huh. You are a sweet,caring, and loving daughter, and I am so glad you are there for your mom. Sure hope the bed sore heals, those are so painful and so hard to heal. (((((Cindy)))))

And Karen, I am SO glad you went to CO to be with your parents. You are very good to them, and FOR them too, and can reassure your mom she has done all she could do. That is a lot of yrs to be a caretaker. Hope you can find a good place for them, and am glad that your mom agrees to move. I can only imagine how hard this is for you, with living so many miles apart. ((((Karen))))

Blessings to you all on this Thanksgiving day! Our thanksgiving was yesterday as it is already Friday the 23rd in China. We had an authentic Chinese meal, no dessert, but a table of 10 of our fellow tour passengers, so was a very nice "family" group. My dad fell hard, 2 days ago, on the pavement. Our tour guide goes SO fast, doesn't care that my dad is almost 96 and mom is 92. At the last stop she (tour guide) had said we have to hurry and to "stick together like sticky rice". Well my dad was doing well, and holding moms hand walking as fast as they could, but when he looked up and saw our guide and our group so far ahead, he let go ofmoms hand and started off, while looking up at where the guide was. There was a curb right in front of him up to the sidewalk, which he didn't see. I yelled at him to "Watch OUT' but he didn't hear me and was too far in front of me for me to grab him. Was horrid watching him fall (like slow motion) and sprawl down flat on the concrete. He landed hard on his knee and his left hand (he is left handed), so they were hurting a lot, but other than being in pain he seemed ok. NExt stop was chinese restaurant with 3 flights of stairs...oh that was hard for him, plus he is left handed, so was hard to eat. He is a trooper though, and most days we have lots of walking through the huge temple grounds (takes2-3 hrs), but he only missed one of the sights. My mom stayed in the bus for both long walks yesteray so missed those sights. 

Hope everyone will have a nice Thanksgiving, and be sure to give yourselves a big hug for all the love and support you are, for your parents!

Kathy