Survived but stuck!!
Hello. I am 2 months away from being a one year breast cancer survivor. I should be happy at this point in my life but that is the farthest thing from the truth. I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to go anywhere and don't want to be bothered by anybody. I sit around and have crying spells all of the time. My friends keep telling me to snap out of it and move on but unless they've been in my shoes they wouldn't know it's not that easy to pick up where I left off 15 months ago. Is there anyone else besides me who have gone or are going through this. My Onc informed me that this is perfectly normal because I didn't have time to really process all of the emotions that came with the diagnosis because the main focus was fighting and winning, but now all of the guilt grief anger sadness etc has come in like a flood. Anyone else going through this?
Comments
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Mislisa - I think pretty much everyone goes through "this" at some time or another and we all have different ways of coping. You need to talk to you onc and see if you need something for depression or anxiety - also eating well and exercising are surprisingly helpful. As for people telling you to "snap out of it" and "move on" think it's time to find some new friends - ones that have more empathy. Sending you hugs, S.
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I agree that you might need to talk with your onc about some meds that might help. You do need to give yourself more time. You've been through a lot emotionally and physically. Your body is still recovering..it doesn't heal as fast as people think. I liken the emotional part to post traumatic stress disorder. You're still trying to process everything. You can't just pick up where you left off 15 months ago because you're a different person now. The changes can be both good and bad but you need time and maybe some help working through it. Let yourself feel what you need to feel and don't let friends, who haven't been there, push you to act a certain way. Many hugs to you. -
MissLisa, I am almost a year survivor as well - dx 2/7/13. There is nothing wrong with you whatsoever. Just last night I had a crying jag telling my husband I feel so vulnerable and betrayed by my body and that my biggest worry is reoccurance. He did his best to reassure me but the fact remains I was never sick with cancer. My body didn't reveal my cancer, a routine mammo did and because of that I don't trust that I'll know if it does reoccur, unless maybe it's too late. I have/had numerous mets and even still no inclination whatsoever of the cancer. So now I have throw my faith to God and hope that he keeps me well or lets me know when it rears its ugly head again. I do have an Rx for an anti-anxiety drug that helps when I'm wound up and can't seem to shake the blues. I don't need it as much as I used to. I hope things get better for you and yay - you are a survivor too. Here's to many more years!!! Hugs to you.
Amy -
I went through the same thing....then sought therapy for the first time in my 60 years. Doctor said it would be adnormal not to go through a grieving period for what life use to be like before BC. At first, we are so focused on doctor appointments, putting together a treatment plan, getting through the surgeries and also being strong for our loved ones. We forget to take care of ourselves.
Let your doctor know you are struggling. You do not have to go through this alone. What you are feeling is completely normal. I'm sure others will come along and post also. Good luck and reach out anytime. -
Although I am not a year out...I have 1 more chemo to go, I understand how you feel like you are stuck. I likened it today as being lost and not knowing who I am anymore. When I first found out about my breast cancer I was getting a lot of attention and support and really putting a lot of energy into putting on a brave face because I did not want to be a burden. After a time that can get very heavy. I think everyone has to go through this at their own pace...it is important to reach out like you have and I think for some people medication works, some people prayer works....I am sharing this with you so you know you are not alone. I am really struggling some days...crying one minute and laughing the next. So I hope and pray we both find our new selves, it really helps me to know I am not alone to not be so hard on myself...to allow ourselves to just be. Hugs to you...M
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thanks everyone. It's so good to know I am not alone. I too feel like I can no longer trust my body. The biggest hurdle I have is trying to get back to my old life which is impossible because I have been given a new life. Just gotta find my new normal. Again thank you all so much for reassurance....hugs to you all -
lovewins and others, happened to come across this thread and post. Thought I would comment here. Thank you for your hug, much appreciated. Sorry you are going through this too; I know I am not alone. I feel the same way in that in the beginning DX in Aug, 2013 that there was a lot of concern and support, now I feel I am a burden to others think what is wrong with her? Really it hasn't been that long for me. The before self of 8/21/13 maybe will never surface again; maybe that's OK, but I know a new self is somewhere out there and it is for you too. I'm not there yet; getting through radiation first, then of course more doctor appts., a MRI in April, etc. I do not have a social worker. I imagine I can find a someone through our insurance co. to talk to. Thank you listening and responding. Hugs. -
Misslisa, I understand exactly what you are going through. During my treatment I never had a support group just my two sisters that lived in another state that had breast cancer with me. Now that I've been through the treatment and surgeries I now find that I need a support group. When I called the nurse navigator she told me it was normal for me to have gone through treatment and now find myself feeling this way. I went to my first one last Monday and my husband thinks I need to keep going.
Have you been to a support group in your area?
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I haven't. But I am now talking with a counselor and its helping a lot just to talk about it all. She assured me that what I'm feeling is completely normal. It's good to have this forum as well....
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I attended a twelve week "recovery group program" for breast cancer "survivors". There were ten of us, many around the year mark, but some 2-4 years out.
The course was based around a book called "Picking up the Pieces", which I can thoroughly recommend. It takes you through the phases and feelings of dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis, and was tremendously helpful in developing healing plans to help us move forward.
I was quite astounded at how much we had in common, even though everyone's stories could be quite different.
You really cannot identify with these emotions unless you have been there yourself, and it can be very isolating even if you have loving friends and family support. That's why this site, and support groups are so important.
We get it!
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Picking up the pieces is exactly what we're trying to do and people who havent been through it don't get that. all they get is she had it, now it's over, get back to your old self. But it's not that easy. I'm at a point where I don't want my old life, I'm starting fresh.
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There is another support group that I'm suppose to check out tomorrow night to see which one I'll stick to. You are absolutely right that if you haven't had it you don't really get how we feel. I went to the lymphedema support group and one of the ladies said her husband doesn't allow her to feel how she feels. She said because he can't handle emotions it's like he's saying you've had it now get over it... I believe everyone needs some outlet or someone who really knows what we are going through.
Is there anyone out there that has moved past bc and doesn't have the fear of recurrence?
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@MissLisa... I agree it does help to talk about how you feel with people who understands.
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I'm new to this forum, so only just found this thread. Don't know if anyone is still following it, but so many of the things I've read resonated with me. I get so tired of people expecting me to 'get back to normal' and to 'move on'. Someone in the thread recommended a book and I'd like to do the same. When I found this book it made me feel as if it was the world that was mad, not me!! It's by a psychologist who's had breast cancer herself, so she totally understands how we feel. It's called Emotional Support through Breast Cancer and it's on Amazon at $9.99, also on Kindle. I carry it around with me a lot of the time, to dip into to remind me that my feelings are common among women like us and totally normal!
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Kazey -Thanks for the recommendation. This topic is so overlooked by the overburdened medical community. I feel like we are the ones who can help pick up the slack for the newly diagnosed and this website is an amazing conduit to do so..
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Hi Farmerlucy,
You're so right that places like this website play a vital role for us women with breast cancer, at diagnosis and for years afterwards. It's understandable that medics don't have a lot of time for supporting how we feel and some of them don't realise how hard it can be, so the book I recommended is a real gem. Let me know what you think, if you decide to get it, and thanks for your many helpful posts that I have spotted around the website!
Kazey
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hey ladies, just checking in. Hope everyone is feeling all right, right now.
my therapist has been a lifesaver in a rough sea. I highly recommend seeing someone if you can. and discuss antidepressants. even for the short-term, just to get you back on track if you don't want to take them long-term.
xoxoxox
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you caught my attention because I so need to figure all this out. I ordered the book. Thanks for the info.
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Hi Mammalou,
Thanks for your message. I do hope the book helps you as much as it helped me. Do let me know how you get on.
Kazey
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Hi, I'm new to the forum too. I've never been in a discussion group of any kind. But I saw a play the other night about addicts finding friendship and understanding in an online chat room and I decided to see if I could find something similar for myself. It's nice to be here and encouraging to see you sharing stories and supporting each other. I survived. My last treatment was Dec. 31, 2013. Physically I'm feeling much better though a few symptoms linger like exhaustion and ringing in my ears. The worst is this funk. I can't shake it. I take anti-anxiety prescribed by my Onc for sleep but during the day I am down, slow, sad and moody. My family -- husband and two teenaged kids -- are trying to be understanding but they are clearly disappointed to see me unwell -- still. They expected to have me back by now. I did too. Thanks for creating this community.
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Hi Wingstofly,
I'm so pleased you're finding the forum useful. It's amazing isn't it, to find women going through the same stuff as you who understand how hard it is! I don't know if you noticed the book I recommended earlier in this thread, called Emotional support through breast cancer, but you might find it useful and remind you that it's the world that's mad, not you!! Take a look at the details above. You can get it on Amazon, either kindle or paper book.
Kazey
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Thank you Kazey. I will look for it. Anything to get out of this....
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Hello to all of you! I've been a "visitor" here for quite some time as well as other boards. While I'm close to my 2 year "Cancerversary", I still feel as if I'm in the middle of the fight. Recently, I've started experiencing a great deal of anxiety fearing a recurrence. I have a strong family history...Great-grandmother, grandmother, and even lost my own mother at the age of 49. I am 43 now and while I know God's plan is perfect....and my head tells me that faith has no place for fear....My heart argues.
Throughout all the tests, surgeries, and chemo....I had a HUGE support system of family and friends. And while I could still call upon them for virtually anything....I feel stupid doing so now. I should be celebrating my cancer freedom, instead of questioning it. Survivorship is a lonely place....which is why I've decided to join in here. I've maintained a blog of my journey from the very beginning....working through each of my feelings. I've received much comfort from that....but I guess its nice to come here and know I'm not alone. Thank you for the site and look forward to joining in with you all.
Blessings.... -
I was diagnosed 9/12. I finished Herceptin almost 2 months ago and am taking tamox. In ways I feel so much better--my energy is good, I love not going for Herceptin treatments, but I also find I'm not the same. I don't want the big C to define me, at the same time, I can't just leave it behind. I have two school age kids who keep me busy with their activities and some writing work. But still, I look in the mirror and still have short hair which I'd never have cut like that in a million years and I have one foob and one real one that don't match and I can't wear the same tops I used to. maybe after my hair grows in and I finally have exchange surgery I'll feel better. Yoga helps immensely. I feel mixed about talking about it with friends-- "How's your health?" they always ask. And I feel grumpy because my health is fine. and it was always fine always except for the lump. It's just the GD treatment that was so bad. And the fear of what could happen if it spreads, but my onc says it probably won't.
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misslisa88, I am not against therapeutic counseling, medication if you are clinically depressed, and I am certainly not against finding support from an online group; but ultimately you have to find a strength or something inside yourself that can get you to move past this. Yes, the mental battle can sometimes be harder than the physical one. I would look at it something like, "Cancer messed up 15 mos. of my life. I am just not going to let it rob me of even more time." This might require getting a little POed about the time lost, but in this way even anger can be therapeutic and motivating. Moving past it almost definitely requires a conscious effort n a day-to-day basis, but if you do put in the effort it is not too long before it becomes automatic and natural.
wingstofly, I am glad you have family support. Since you have teenagers, let me suggest this: Try to get involved and do stuff with them as much as you can, because soon comes the college years and whatever else that takes them away from home. I know teens don't like you in all their business, but do what you can because you don't want to look back and feel like you had missed out on sharing things during these years because of stupid cancer.
I realize my reply is a little different than what others are writing. I wouldn't even say this to a person who wasn't at least a year out from Dx and done with active treatment, but at some point I do feel you just have to take the power back from cancer.
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Hi Elimar and everyone else,
I think Elimar's right that we have to 'take the power back from cancer', but I don't think everyone can just do that on their own. Whether it's counseling/therapy or drugs or online support or something like the book I recommended earlier in the thread that saved me, most of us need that extra strength. I think that realising that you're not the only one who is finding it hard to 'move on' is really helpful.
Kazey xxx
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I bought the 'Picking up the Pieces' book Morwenna recommended. Great book! I am just starting it, but so far there is a lot of helpful info.
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I bought it too!
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Just had a look at the book you've bought Picking up the pieces, it looks really interesting. Of course, it's not just about breast cancer. You might have noticed the recommendation I did earlier for another book that is about coping after breast cancer specifically.
I know I keep mentioning it but it's because it really, really helped me and continues to do so. Here's the link. It's by someone in the UK and there are lots of rave reviews for it on their amazon.
Kazey
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