New, Lurking, and Afraid

Hi Oceana ~

Nice pics and how great that you are four years out from your diagnosis. I too am stage III. I had a very large tumor - 9cm and they knew I had positive lymph nodes, so they gave me chemo before my surgery. One of the 'good' things about that was that I could feel the lump shrinking - so I figured that it was also working on any little cancer buggers that might be floating around. I bet it worked on yours too as your diagnosis is close to mine. I'm also guessing that you're on a SERM or AI?

I too worry about metastasis even though I try to put it in perspective. One of the things that I find difficult is that my friends and family don't know how great the chances are that this thing isn't licked and is just lying in wait - sometimes I just want to say -"Look I don't know if I'm 'better' - I feel better, but this is still scary, I don't even know whether I 'had' cancer or 'have' cancer. This isn't easy - it's for sure a challenge isn't it? I often find myself writing to those who are waiting for biopsy results that the not knowing is the hardest part & when you're in treatment, it's easier (and in some ways, I think the harder the treatments are - the easier it is, because you feel like you're fighting it). But that waiting is hard when you're done with treatment too.

These boards do help - one of the threads that I just found that I really like reading is for women 60 and older who have 'sense'. I'm only 52 but I read the comments of the women there (many who have mets) and realize that they are living their lives & maybe in a way have an appreciation for beauty and little things that many of us don't have. The grace with which those women lead their lives is somehow calming. Another thread I've found to be helpful is one where people can ask those with mets questions - things like whether your back and spine pain should be checked or not.

I'm glad you're here and posted, I hope being able to talk to people in the same boat helps. any, many hugs & good thoughts.

Hi Oceana, and welcome to Breastcancer.org!

SERM means Selective Estrogen Receptor Modulators. You can see many of the breast cancer-related shortcuts by clicking the Help With Abbreviations button on the left, at the bottom of the blue menu.

As for the diagnosis, I can read this two lines in your second post:

Oceana

Dx 1/13/2009, IDC, 5cm, Stage IIIa, 2/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-.

Let me know if this is what you wanted to be public. You can always go to My Profile and check whatever info you want to make public, and then click Save. Hope this helps!

The Mods

Oceana, congratulations on four years!

Of note - took me a while to figure this out - when we start a thread, our signature information, regardless of settings, doesn't show in the originating post.

Hi Oceana!  Welcome....great job making it this far without this site.  That would have been hard for me, I came here a lot for info, support and laughs.  There is something comforting about being here and finding out what your feeling/experiencing is the norm for us.  Hope you find all you need here with us

At stage IIIc I get pretty darn scared too. I get pretty sick of doctors looking me in the eye and telling me how concerned they are for me.

But then I read things like this and I realize living with cancer is more possible than ever before and will only continue to get more and more possible thanks to the Genome project, nanotechnology, and supercomputers: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/01/patrick-soon-shiong_n_4351344.html

There is much reason to be hopeful. We are on the cusp of something big I think.

oceana....I can't add much to all the great wisdom already shared other than to say we love having you join our sisterhood! Pain does bring the worst of fear with it...but fear is an emotion and does not always imply a reality! If you're concerned about a pain give it a couple of weeks and see how it feels than decided about having it checked out!! Keep us posted on how you're feeling!!

A quick and easy antidote to all that worry is this:

When you're feeling scared and worried, ask yourself:

If I weren't worried about cancer right now, would I be feeling pretty good and happy otherwise?

If the answer is "yes," then obviously you just need to stop worrying about cancer and feel good and happy.

Sounds way too simple, but it works!

Oh, I doubt I'm done with my anxiety about it, either. But looking at it logically is one of those things I try and make myself do when I start feeling the big YIKES building up. It helps me, so hopefully it will help others, as well.

Lisa137 -- great long post last night. After my initial biopsy, I was told I was a probable stage IA -- big relief. After lumpectomy and 11/13 lymph nodes positive, I was possible stage IV -- big fear! After negative PET scan, I ended up stage IIIC -- big uncertainty.

What has helped me set aside most of my worries has been the memory of my dear friend Helen, who died of BC almost 25 years ago, when we knew so little. She was a wonderful friend, and it was a privilege to know and love her. But ironically, I now think she is also an example of how NOT to face a life-threatening chronic disease. She always seemed upbeat and optimistic in our nearly daily talks, but her coping mechanism was based on the idea that the next treatment would cure her. I think her future-oriented perspective reduced her immediate fear and gave her hope, but now I think it also distracted her from the joys of the present. I've come to believe that she hardly ever had a carefree day after her diagnosis. I want to take a different path.

The reality is that the present -- the "right now" -- is all anyone healthy or sick ever has. The future is always a big crap shoot. Allowing fear of the future to rob us of the joy of the present would surely be the worst BC "side effect" I can think of. If I get run over by a truck next week, I don't want my last thought to be, "Oh damn, I wasted time worrying about BC!"

So far, what works for me when unexpected anxiety slaps me upside the head is first to try a Scarlett O'Hara -- I'll decide to think about that tomorrow (and then I don't). If that doesn't work, I try deliberate distraction -- read a book, call a friend, start an annoying postponed project, catch up on one of these online discussion threads... If distraction doesn't lift me out of my funk, I reread Matthew 6:25-34 (see my signature below), especially verse 27: "And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?" Although from the Bible, the idea that worry is (worse than) useless for things out of our control is not just a Christian concept, it's also a 100% logical truth. Then I can go back to my chosen distraction, which now feels much more interesting and fulfilling, however silly

Sorry for the long post , but writing it out was good for me, and maybe someone else, too.

hi girls I am not stage 111 but I do have a multi-focal cancer I had DCIS IDC and ILC just a little theory of mine sometimes when you get a stage 2 or 3 diagnosis you make some radical changes In your life. I really think we have to address our treatment as a whole person not just treat the cancer. I looked at my exercise, diet ,rest ,stress and emotions when addressing my cancer. I was a person who let myself be bullied by others I had high insulin levels which are now normal and I tried to be super woman . Not any more. I to worry sometimes and I come to the stage 111 to get encouragement and hope judy

Hi Bluegrass. I was just finishing up a post when it disappeared - so I'll try again.

I was just saying that I had a reasonably good weekend. I cooked a nice dinner on Saturday, which DH seemed to appreciate. Managed to pretty much wrap up my Christmas shopping today, but otherwise didn't accomplish as much as I would have liked. However, at least I do feel reasonably well rested for the work week ahead. I've been trying to keep your advice re: dealing with anxiety and fear of what the future might hold in mind, and I'm making some progress, I think.

Will be 'in your pockets' tomorrow, and hoping that you experience only minimal SE's with this round of chemo, so that you can fully enjoy the activities you have planned next weekend. I didn't do the same chemo as you, but found I could start to predict how much 'down time' I'd have after the first couple of rounds - there was a cumulative effect, however, making it harder to bounce back after the last couple of treatments. May you have smooth sailing tomorrow!

Hoping everybody else is also doing well!

Hi beautiful ladies!  Just signed up and sorta cruising the boards...not sure of what to say but really happy to be bouncing some things off you soon as I am on my first round of this ugly monster inside of me.  I have a great attitude, support system, etc but in limbo of treatment plan.  Looking to check out MDAnderson for a second opinion, any thoughts on that?  Look forward to growing with you all...I am also going on the January chemo if there is one, xoxo. Steph

Hi Oceana,

I get the worried willies too.  I think I always will.  I just don't dwell too often.  I come here when I do and it always helps me knowing I am in communion with others.  I allow myself to feel my fears and the tears pass away quickly.  I return to my life and am pulled instead by the regular anxieties of daily living.  The drama fades and I smile because I am alive and have choices.