facing a divorce on top of chemo

I had mastactomy on nov 2012. My husband s going for sepration agreement my recon is planned in 2 month i am planing to postpone that i cant handle so many things wot do u suggest ladies is it worth doing recon i know its very big surgery

milkyway, reconstruction is a big committment.  Given what's going on in your life, I think there are two ways you might look at it: 

The first is that you can view it as something that you are doing for yourself, something that will help you feel better about yourself and move on with your life. It won't be easy but it might help you look ahead and focus on something other than your separation.

The second is that reconstruction is just too big a committment - physically and emotionally - given everything else you are going through.

Because you've already had your MX, you're not in any rush to go ahead with reconstruction.  You can take the second position and push reconstruction aside for now, and then at some point when you feel up to it, you can shift your perspective and reconstruction might be something you decide that you want to do for yourself.  Or you might decide that you are happy to never have reconstruction.  The main thing is to not do it until you are ready, and that might be sooner, later, or never.  

(((Hugs))) 

I've been through this sort of thing myself.  I wasn't married to my ex but we lived together for over 20 years and had a son together.  He's older than me and when he had a heart attack I was there for him.  My insurance at work paid for his pacemaker/defibulator, at a cost of $80K because he was on my plan as my domestic partner.  I paid the premium for the insurance.  When he had another heart attack and ended up in ICU for over 30 days, I stayed at the hospital the entire time.  He panicked whenever I left, even though we lived only a mile from the hospital.  So I rented one of their hotel type rooms for the entire 40 days he was in the hospital.  I ate, bathed, slept...everything at that hospital.  I also took care of him when he had Graves disease and needed to have radiation on his skull.  I drove to 80 miles to work, worked half a day (to keep insurance), drove 80 miles back, picked him up and drove over 90 miles to take him to radiation and over 90 miles back.  I did this every day for over 3 weeks.  I told myself we loved each other and he would do the same for me.

Well, I get dx with breast cancer.  My sister tells me she'll take me to the chemo treatments since they start out as just once every few weeks.  Again the hospital where I was getting chemo was a MILE from my "domestic partner's" house.  My sister wanted to take care of me so I stayed with her.  After I could see that I could handle the side effects okay and the chemo treatments were then moved to weekly, I felt my sister needed to get back to her normal life and I should move back HOME.  Or at least what I thought was my home.  I called the "love of my life" and told him I was moving back home.  His reply was a slap in my face..."I think it is better to stay where you are since I'd be unable to take care of you."  I told him I was fine and could take care of myself.  He then told me he was having relatives from NY moving in for a while and there just wasn't room for me.  Of course, no one ever came and he continues to live in his 4 bedroom house. My son was furious with him and said he wanted nothing to do with his father but I didn't want to be the one to come between them...since his father is elderly and I don't want him to have regrets if he were to die.  I told my son I was fine with the situation and it is better for me to be on my own cause I wouldn't have to take care of anyone else.  It hurt to be treated like that but I learned who to give my love/time to and who not to.  Plus it is better that I can focus on me instead of HIM.  When I finished treatments (before the cancer came back), he had the NERVE to try to get me to move back in with him.  When I'm healthy he wants me, when I'm sick get the hell out.  It will be a cold day in hell before I fall for that trap again.  Yes, I ended up homeless for a time (luckily my sister and her family let me stay with them until I found another place to live) but I won because he is still a needy, heartless jerk and I found a great place to live where I do what I want, when I want. 

Yep there really are self centered A-holes in this world.

Hi everyone,

Well so much for the "in sickness and in health" marriage vows.   My soon to be ex was a total baby when he had a broken rib and I waited on him all the time when he was healing.  But when I needed assistance  I got zero help, in fact negative comments   like " You are always asking for help".   In a   way , it s comforting to know that I am not the only one with a narcisstic  a-hole  soon to be ex husband.   Good for you aaoaao for getting rid of a needy narcissist!.  Sorry you have to go thru all of this at the same time.   

I was married for 38 years and  he  tells me "I am leaving now"  when I was in middle of still getting infusions and had not yet gotten re construction.  Still had tissue expander in.  When I asked him where he was going, he said he was moving out.  I then asked him if he was moving in with another woman and he said yes.  That is how I learned  he was finally leaving.  Good riddance.  He did not take most of his clothing etc when he left so part of me was hoping he would return and the other part said, good that he has gone.  I am not blaming the cancer for our divorce but seeing his weakness in character in my hour of need helped me to understand that he was truly a selfish self centered jerk.  I filed for divorce after a few months when he did not return and proceeded with getting a breast reduction on one breast and an silicon implant and port removed on the other that had the mastectomy. . It has now been one  and half years since the filing and we have yet to agree on even a date of seperation.  A trial is pending.  The judge told him to find a new date when he originally claimed that 1997 should be the date of seperation. Just sold the family home we had lived in for 16 years.

I am hoping my attorney is good   I am finding free counseling since financial situation still precarious.  He tried to get me to have "a vocational assessment" while I was in chemo but they gave up on that.  My spousal support is very small and not enough to live on but he claims he is not earning anything even though he is the CEO of his company. Very clever strategy on his part, Court  apparently only looks at cash earnings and not stock options etc. I am trying to just do one day at a time and do something nice for myself every day to keep stress level down. 

I am hopeful that I can now build friendships now that he is gone.  My wonderful dog has been a amazing companion.  My soon to be ex did not want me to get a dog but after he left I got a great rescue dog.

There are definitely perks to not having a jerk in your life anymore.  Cancer was a wake up call that I need to live my life differently. 

Take good care of yourselves everyone.

(((hugs))) to all you strong women!! 

Iam sorry  we are all going thru this but I guess better to find out now rather than later how bad these men are ie lack of character.  I sometimes  wonder if talking about cancer in the court  will help with financial issues in court.  It was very upsetting  when he wanted me to get a vocational assessment while I was still in chemo.   I had lost my job  after a hip replacement when I returned from disability.  Then got cancer a year later.  My oncologist just said firmly that I should not return to work at that time since I just had 3 major surgeries and then in chemo.  His attorney did not pursue it after the oncologist said I should not work . 

But I do wonder why the men are so able to work the system so as to not pay child support and minimal spousal support even when their wife is ill with cancer.  I interviewed a number of attorneys, paying them  $350-$450/hour for the privledge of seeing if they would be appropriate.  The divorce is costing a fortune and I figure he is trying to wear me down and have me use up money.  That way he can continue to support his new girlfriend, etc. 

I keep thinking of the movie  The First Wives Club, where they all bonded together and got even against their husbands.  Somehow I wish we could do the same, share  knowledge we are gaining during this awful situation to become stronger and come out better financially.  Ideas anyone?  

Thanks for your thoughts on marrying vs not. Not sure what might be worse, legal issues and hassles if you are financially bound together thru marriage or living with someone who is afraid of commitment. I agree the system needs to change. Take good care ofyourself

Hi Ladies

So much of this unfortunately rings true in my case as well. My ex was a rock through out DX and them my MX. It then turned to total disdain once I started chemo. You see the money well was running dry and financially things were very tight. While I didn't end up needing Rads, he told me that that would just delay me in getting back to work and tried to dissuade me if you can believe it! I had had enough and told him we were done but unfortunatley had to live with him while we prepared the house for sale for a few months then a few more until closing.

Just before we sold in April of this year, his younger brother died suddenly of a heart attack at age 41. So like I did for 16 years I supported him and his family through that too. So 2 months later I get a cryptic facebook message from his brothers widow saying that she hopes we can still be friends. This is in July. I don't think anything of it and said I don't see why not, lets meet up. So I go to see her, help her with financial stuff (she's not that bright) and she stays in contact. I'm at a party a couple of weeks ago and a friend if his tells me he has been hooking up with her for months. So me being me I wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth and sure as shit, yes they are an item. Geez, the poor brother was barely cold you know?

Serenity

Wow, sorry to hear this happend to you too!

Yes is does speak to their morality big time (all concerned). You know what they say though, karma's a bitch. This one is 20 years younger than me too. The funny part is she's from the Caribbean, of Indian descent and he's a total racist, LOL LOL! But she did just come into a nice life insurance policy among other things (I know, I helped her with all the paperwork) What I didn't know is that they were already seeing each other at this point. Pretty nervy IMHO. Once it was confirmed by him last week I wrote to her basically calling her out on it. She responds back asking "do you want him back?" I said so not the point of my message but to answer, no I don't. Good luck and godspeed. I feel so bad for his Mom though. We're still in touch and she's terribly upset but all of it. How her AH son treated me, the death of her son that was so in love with the wife she thought was so sweet and innocent and now the two of them together. She's still greiving for her son. Yet its obvious the wife isn't.

dont worry serinity

i heard these mean line s from my husband too.that i have to go to shelter.whils i was on chemo  he was looking for  lawyers.i found a pic when i was on chemo n i started crying  i was  so broken with no hairs n so many  health iissues n  how i tolearate his selfish behaviour .i lost 8kg develop 3rd stags cancer but husband didnt feel anychange in me that shows his shalow character

Sisters,

I haven't visited this forum for a little while, and I just now caught up on reading this thread. So sorry that so many of us have had to face betrayal from husbands or boyfriends while fighting cancer.

I had suspicions about my husband through the whole marriage, but he really put on an academy award performance. For years, he would secretly drive us into debt and lie and lie to me about money, not to mention the porn stored on his computer. But, I never found proof that he was cheating. And, at other times, he seemed like a good husband, and we had children together, so I never filed for divorce.

Then, through diagnosis, surgery, chemo, rads, and many complications, he acted like a supportive, caring husband. When my hair was just starting to grow back, I discovered that, the whole time I was fighting cancer, he'd been placing personal ads online and talking to women about hooking up. Interestingly, he denied and denied that he actually followed through, and he refused to leave the house; he wanted to stay married to me. But, I wanted nothing more to do with him, so we separated in the house. But, soon he began spending nights away from home - still denying that he was cheating. Finally, I found her clothing in my laundry. (lol) It still took a few weeks before he admitted it and moved out. Now we're going through a divorce.

But, don't worry, since then, the story has gotten even worse: A man I knew also was going through a divorce after being married to a woman who filed for divorce so that she could date other men. I felt so sorry for him. We began talking, and he seemed so sympathetic and sweet. He always came across as the nicest guy - a real gentleman. I found myself falling for him. To make a long story short: I have since found out that he was just looking for some s-e-x. (For the record, he got nowhere with me.) ;-)

LOL at my screenname... Life doesn't seem so wonderful these days. (lol) But, I gotta laugh about it all. The fact that we can feel hurt means that we're still alive.

Hang in there, sisters. {{{{ BIG HUG FOR ALL OF YOU OUT THERE }}}}

Saskie - I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like a strong lady. IMO, something is seriously wrong with the men who cheat while their wives are in a battle for their lives. And something is wrong with the women who cheat with them. The word sociopath was the first word that came to mind when I found out what my soon-to-be-ex was doing. But another fitting term might be narcissist. These guys (and their mistresses) think only of themselves and no one else. In their minds, the world revolves around them.

Saski and Life

You both hit the nail right on the head.

Dear pipers drea, and all the other strong ladies on this list.

Your post gave me, some peace of mind and a another reason to feel grateful.  I am going  to be rid of this jerk, narcissist, sociopath.  I think you were really right when you said there is something.  seriously wrong with these guys and the women who haveaffairs with them while their wives are in cancer treatment.  It is bad enough they cheat, but under these circumstances what is wrong with the women they are involved with  Or maybe the women do not know,.  If  our  ex husbands or soon to be ex lie and cheat to us, then they quite possibly  they do the same thing to the women they have affairs with.

I do wonder if bringing up the cancer situation in the court would help get a more equitable financial settlement.  Mine is just dragging on and   on. We avoided a mini trial since we finally  compromised on date of seperation.  He  originally wanted date of seperation to be  long before we filed for divorce  (1998)  and  then he proposed 2 years before he moved out, so he could claim reimbursements against me.  Now he is claiming  reimbursements against me on everything,  wanting me to pay extravagant rent  ($10000/month)  for our house that he moved out of while I was in chemo .  Our mortgage was  $2300/month so I hope that this will be considered a ridiculous claim.  Also he wants me to be  totally   responsible for all the medical bills,  treatments, meds surgeries etcl   Vows- what a joke in sickess and in health. 38 years of marriage and he acts like it is nothing.  Basically his idea is to collect huge reimbursements from me so he will get all the profit from the sale of our house recently and I will end up with nothing.  If any of you are faced with this situation, please advise

I may have to go to trial to prevent him from collecting all these reimbursemens from me.  Anyway making a grateful list helps and having peace of mind that he is not here

Hugs to everyone

Serenity -

I see that you and I had surgery/treatment the same year (2011).  I will be sending you a private message in a few minutes.

I am editing to add:  These types of guys have no moral conscience.  Somehow they're able to twist everything in their heads so that they can justify what they do.

And, in some cases, the "other women" might not know the wives have cancer.  But, in other cases, the women DO know.  When asked, my soon-to-be-ex told me matter-of-factly that his "other woman" knew I had cancer.  When I first found out that he was offering to "hook up" with multiple people, I'd just finished treatments.  I asked him if those people knew his wife was fighting cancer.  He laughed and said, "They wouldn't care."