facing a divorce on top of chemo

milkyway2

I had mastactomy on nov 2012. My husband s going for sepration agreement my recon is planned in 2 month i am planing to postpone that i cant handle so many things wot do u suggest ladies is it worth doing recon i know its very big surgery

glorianna

Hi.

We split up, after 15 yrs, I am too ill.

(((HUGS)))))

Beesie

milkyway, reconstruction is a big committment.  Given what's going on in your life, I think there are two ways you might look at it: 

The first is that you can view it as something that you are doing for yourself, something that will help you feel better about yourself and move on with your life. It won't be easy but it might help you look ahead and focus on something other than your separation.

The second is that reconstruction is just too big a committment - physically and emotionally - given everything else you are going through.

Because you've already had your MX, you're not in any rush to go ahead with reconstruction.  You can take the second position and push reconstruction aside for now, and then at some point when you feel up to it, you can shift your perspective and reconstruction might be something you decide that you want to do for yourself.  Or you might decide that you are happy to never have reconstruction.  The main thing is to not do it until you are ready, and that might be sooner, later, or never.  

(((Hugs))) 

milkyway2

Thank you beesie i think you are right.first i have to focus on sepration.and i have to take care of my kids i dont know howvthey will react. Give them emotional support. Rec i can do later

aaoaao

I've been through this sort of thing myself.  I wasn't married to my ex but we lived together for over 20 years and had a son together.  He's older than me and when he had a heart attack I was there for him.  My insurance at work paid for his pacemaker/defibulator, at a cost of $80K because he was on my plan as my domestic partner.  I paid the premium for the insurance.  When he had another heart attack and ended up in ICU for over 30 days, I stayed at the hospital the entire time.  He panicked whenever I left, even though we lived only a mile from the hospital.  So I rented one of their hotel type rooms for the entire 40 days he was in the hospital.  I ate, bathed, slept...everything at that hospital.  I also took care of him when he had Graves disease and needed to have radiation on his skull.  I drove to 80 miles to work, worked half a day (to keep insurance), drove 80 miles back, picked him up and drove over 90 miles to take him to radiation and over 90 miles back.  I did this every day for over 3 weeks.  I told myself we loved each other and he would do the same for me.

Well, I get dx with breast cancer.  My sister tells me she'll take me to the chemo treatments since they start out as just once every few weeks.  Again the hospital where I was getting chemo was a MILE from my "domestic partner's" house.  My sister wanted to take care of me so I stayed with her.  After I could see that I could handle the side effects okay and the chemo treatments were then moved to weekly, I felt my sister needed to get back to her normal life and I should move back HOME.  Or at least what I thought was my home.  I called the "love of my life" and told him I was moving back home.  His reply was a slap in my face..."I think it is better to stay where you are since I'd be unable to take care of you."  I told him I was fine and could take care of myself.  He then told me he was having relatives from NY moving in for a while and there just wasn't room for me.  Of course, no one ever came and he continues to live in his 4 bedroom house. My son was furious with him and said he wanted nothing to do with his father but I didn't want to be the one to come between them...since his father is elderly and I don't want him to have regrets if he were to die.  I told my son I was fine with the situation and it is better for me to be on my own cause I wouldn't have to take care of anyone else.  It hurt to be treated like that but I learned who to give my love/time to and who not to.  Plus it is better that I can focus on me instead of HIM.  When I finished treatments (before the cancer came back), he had the NERVE to try to get me to move back in with him.  When I'm healthy he wants me, when I'm sick get the hell out.  It will be a cold day in hell before I fall for that trap again.  Yes, I ended up homeless for a time (luckily my sister and her family let me stay with them until I found another place to live) but I won because he is still a needy, heartless jerk and I found a great place to live where I do what I want, when I want. 

Yep there really are self centered A-holes in this world.

mutley12

DO NOT STOOP TO PICK UP NOTHING -what your weak and cheating husband is doing will come back and bite him on the bum later on in his sad life. You concentrate on getting better and meeting someone in time who deserves you. Take Care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

serenitywisdom

Hi everyone,

Well so much for the "in sickness and in health" marriage vows.   My soon to be ex was a total baby when he had a broken rib and I waited on him all the time when he was healing.  But when I needed assistance  I got zero help, in fact negative comments   like " You are always asking for help".   In a   way , it s comforting to know that I am not the only one with a narcisstic  a-hole  soon to be ex husband.   Good for you aaoaao for getting rid of a needy narcissist!.  Sorry you have to go thru all of this at the same time.   

I was married for 38 years and  he  tells me "I am leaving now"  when I was in middle of still getting infusions and had not yet gotten re construction.  Still had tissue expander in.  When I asked him where he was going, he said he was moving out.  I then asked him if he was moving in with another woman and he said yes.  That is how I learned  he was finally leaving.  Good riddance.  He did not take most of his clothing etc when he left so part of me was hoping he would return and the other part said, good that he has gone.  I am not blaming the cancer for our divorce but seeing his weakness in character in my hour of need helped me to understand that he was truly a selfish self centered jerk.  I filed for divorce after a few months when he did not return and proceeded with getting a breast reduction on one breast and an silicon implant and port removed on the other that had the mastectomy. . It has now been one  and half years since the filing and we have yet to agree on even a date of seperation.  A trial is pending.  The judge told him to find a new date when he originally claimed that 1997 should be the date of seperation. Just sold the family home we had lived in for 16 years.

I am hoping my attorney is good   I am finding free counseling since financial situation still precarious.  He tried to get me to have "a vocational assessment" while I was in chemo but they gave up on that.  My spousal support is very small and not enough to live on but he claims he is not earning anything even though he is the CEO of his company. Very clever strategy on his part, Court  apparently only looks at cash earnings and not stock options etc. I am trying to just do one day at a time and do something nice for myself every day to keep stress level down. 

I am hopeful that I can now build friendships now that he is gone.  My wonderful dog has been a amazing companion.  My soon to be ex did not want me to get a dog but after he left I got a great rescue dog.

There are definitely perks to not having a jerk in your life anymore.  Cancer was a wake up call that I need to live my life differently. 

Take good care of yourselves everyone.

aaoaao

So sorry Serenity for what you are going through.  I would rather be alone than with someone who makes me unhappy.  Cancer does show you who loves you and wants to be there for you and which ones you should run away from.  I hope all goes well for you in your divorce...sometimes I think the laws lean toward the men regarding financial issues.  They say that is why the standard of living for women after a divorce is often much lower than the standard of living for men.  At least it's good that he's someone elses problem now. Just take care of yourself.

Moderators

(((hugs))) to all you strong women!! 

milkyway2

Serinitywis i m going through same situation my physician so called husband s making so much money n.his awesone accountant did a very good job paid tax for less amount. Spousal n child support is less on that amount. Consult good lawyer who can fight 4 ur right.first consultation s free see as many lawyer as u can. Then select the best threre r so many right u can arrgue in sepration agreement plz plz dont leave him so he can party hard u r a fighter

serenitywisdom

Iam sorry  we are all going thru this but I guess better to find out now rather than later how bad these men are ie lack of character.  I sometimes  wonder if talking about cancer in the court  will help with financial issues in court.  It was very upsetting  when he wanted me to get a vocational assessment while I was still in chemo.   I had lost my job  after a hip replacement when I returned from disability.  Then got cancer a year later.  My oncologist just said firmly that I should not return to work at that time since I just had 3 major surgeries and then in chemo.  His attorney did not pursue it after the oncologist said I should not work . 

But I do wonder why the men are so able to work the system so as to not pay child support and minimal spousal support even when their wife is ill with cancer.  I interviewed a number of attorneys, paying them  $350-$450/hour for the privledge of seeing if they would be appropriate.  The divorce is costing a fortune and I figure he is trying to wear me down and have me use up money.  That way he can continue to support his new girlfriend, etc. 

I keep thinking of the movie  The First Wives Club, where they all bonded together and got even against their husbands.  Somehow I wish we could do the same, share  knowledge we are gaining during this awful situation to become stronger and come out better financially.  Ideas anyone?  

aaoaao

I don't have any advice since I wasn't married to my jerk.  I got nothing when we separated...since then I always warn women don't live with or have children with a man who won't marry you.  If he's not committed enough to marry you than he's not committed enough to have a child with you.  Yes, men often try to wear their soon to be ex wife down.  Especially in a case where the wife isn't working such as with illness or she stayed home to raise the children (often at the man's request/demand).  They know she has no or very little income and can't afford a long drawn out divorce.  Often they have to settle with very little because they end up desparate.  The system needs to change to put a limit on the time between filing for divorce and the finalization of the divorce.  Even criminals have the right to a speedy trial.

I hope you find the right attorney and nail his ass to the wall.  I hope the courts make him responsible for your legal fees and he'll pay through the nose for his behavior. 

serenitywisdom

Thanks for your thoughts on marrying vs not. Not sure what might be worse, legal issues and hassles if you are financially bound together thru marriage or living with someone who is afraid of commitment. I agree the system needs to change. Take good care ofyourself

milkyway2

is it easy to start new relationship after MX and reconstruction what do you think ladies

Myleftboob

Hi Ladies

So much of this unfortunately rings true in my case as well. My ex was a rock through out DX and them my MX. It then turned to total disdain once I started chemo. You see the money well was running dry and financially things were very tight. While I didn't end up needing Rads, he told me that that would just delay me in getting back to work and tried to dissuade me if you can believe it! I had had enough and told him we were done but unfortunatley had to live with him while we prepared the house for sale for a few months then a few more until closing.

Just before we sold in April of this year, his younger brother died suddenly of a heart attack at age 41. So like I did for 16 years I supported him and his family through that too. So 2 months later I get a cryptic facebook message from his brothers widow saying that she hopes we can still be friends. This is in July. I don't think anything of it and said I don't see why not, lets meet up. So I go to see her, help her with financial stuff (she's not that bright) and she stays in contact. I'm at a party a couple of weeks ago and a friend if his tells me he has been hooking up with her for months. So me being me I wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth and sure as shit, yes they are an item. Geez, the poor brother was barely cold you know?

serenitywisdom

OMG  I am so sorry to hear your story.  Another man who appears to have no conscience or morality.  Mine too wanted me to have a vocational assessment while I was in the middle of chemotherapy.  They (his attorney and him) dropped it when I told them my oncologist did not want me to return to work.  It seems they freak out over money and cannot deal with what is really important  ie your health.  I wonder what would happen to them if they had to go thru this treatment.  It just shows me that it is good that we are going to be rid of them

I saw a picture of his new girlfriend, much younger than me,  I wonder what type of woman she is but I am guessing that he has not told her much about me or the fact we had been married for 38 years and I was undergoing chemo when he moved in with her.  But maybe she has no morals either,  good they deserve each other.  Unbelieveable awful stuff, we could write a book.  Stay safe, and look for a better future. 

Myleftboob

Serenity

Wow, sorry to hear this happend to you too!

Yes is does speak to their morality big time (all concerned). You know what they say though, karma's a bitch. This one is 20 years younger than me too. The funny part is she's from the Caribbean, of Indian descent and he's a total racist, LOL LOL! But she did just come into a nice life insurance policy among other things (I know, I helped her with all the paperwork) What I didn't know is that they were already seeing each other at this point. Pretty nervy IMHO. Once it was confirmed by him last week I wrote to her basically calling her out on it. She responds back asking "do you want him back?" I said so not the point of my message but to answer, no I don't. Good luck and godspeed. I feel so bad for his Mom though. We're still in touch and she's terribly upset but all of it. How her AH son treated me, the death of her son that was so in love with the wife she thought was so sweet and innocent and now the two of them together. She's still greiving for her son. Yet its obvious the wife isn't.

serenitywisdom

We should all get together and write a book about men who act very badly .  It is appalling  If I was her I would not have the nerve to  contact you back.   especially considering you helped her.  maybe she feels guilty or maybe she is having second thoughts about him herself.  In any case, we need to take better care of ourselves especially during this stressful time.  My attorney just told me I probably don't have to go to court tomorrow which I am hapy for.  But the idea that he is trying  desperately for me not to get my share of our community assets is quite upsetting.  He always told me that if we ever seperated I would get nothing.  He firmly believed  I never carried my weight even though I worked most of the time and cared almost exclusively for our children, one who has a severe disability.  Even during chemo and surgeries he was complaining that I I wasn't bringing in enough money.  Meanwhile he put up his girlfriend in the condo we both own, and she pays nothing.   The cost of cancer treatment and then a divorce and its associated financial costs is a bit much.  I am a little worried about losing my  health insurance  once the divorce is final.  But at least with affordable health care I can now buy heath insurance even though I have a pre existing condition.    That is a relief.  Just have to hang on with his insurance until  Jan 2014. 

Today I had a nice day with my son, went to the pumpkin festival in Half Moon Bay and enjoyed a  move   Just want to look to the future and stay healthy

Take good care of yourself

 

milkyway2

dont worry serinity

i heard these mean line s from my husband too.that i have to go to shelter.whils i was on chemo  he was looking for  lawyers.i found a pic when i was on chemo n i started crying  i was  so broken with no hairs n so many  health iissues n  how i tolearate his selfish behaviour .i lost 8kg develop 3rd stags cancer but husband didnt feel anychange in me that shows his shalow character

Myleftboob

Milkyway2

Big hugs to you honey. Its hard to believe that our "DH's" and I use that term very lightly could be so callous and shallow.

Serenity

While I don't have kids, I can totally empathize with the "Your not bringing in enough money thing" I was always the breadwinner but he never stepped up to try to do better, just wanted me too. On top of running the house, taking care of all the bills, cooking. I'm sure you get the picture. I'm self employed with no disability benefits and earned a part time income while in TX so I didn't qualify for government benefits. Who could live off that anyway LOL! By the end of the year only working 3 months full time at a new job I still made more than him. Since moving on I continue to make double what he does LOL!

He had the nerve to text me yesterday saying they wanted to come up and see me. I responded that I hoped they weren't stupid enough to think I want to maintain a friendship with either of them. Have enough friends thanks. Do not come to my door. I guess they were hoping to keep me in their back pocket for future reference when it comes to all things money related. Not that I have alot LOL but I do know what to do and who to see in all situations having been in finance for 30 years. He operates a machine, she drives a lift truck.

grayeyes

Sisters,

I haven't visited this forum for a little while, and I just now caught up on reading this thread. So sorry that so many of us have had to face betrayal from husbands or boyfriends while fighting cancer.

I had suspicions about my husband through the whole marriage, but he really put on an academy award performance. For years, he would secretly drive us into debt and lie and lie to me about money, not to mention the porn stored on his computer. But, I never found proof that he was cheating. And, at other times, he seemed like a good husband, and we had children together, so I never filed for divorce.

Then, through diagnosis, surgery, chemo, rads, and many complications, he acted like a supportive, caring husband. When my hair was just starting to grow back, I discovered that, the whole time I was fighting cancer, he'd been placing personal ads online and talking to women about hooking up. Interestingly, he denied and denied that he actually followed through, and he refused to leave the house; he wanted to stay married to me. But, I wanted nothing more to do with him, so we separated in the house. But, soon he began spending nights away from home - still denying that he was cheating. Finally, I found her clothing in my laundry. (lol) It still took a few weeks before he admitted it and moved out. Now we're going through a divorce.

But, don't worry, since then, the story has gotten even worse: A man I knew also was going through a divorce after being married to a woman who filed for divorce so that she could date other men. I felt so sorry for him. We began talking, and he seemed so sympathetic and sweet. He always came across as the nicest guy - a real gentleman. I found myself falling for him. To make a long story short: I have since found out that he was just looking for some s-e-x. (For the record, he got nowhere with me.) ;-)

LOL at my screenname... Life doesn't seem so wonderful these days. (lol) But, I gotta laugh about it all. The fact that we can feel hurt means that we're still alive.

Hang in there, sisters. {{{{ BIG HUG FOR ALL OF YOU OUT THERE }}}}

saskie

Stories all seem so familiar - I was married to my husband for 21 yrs. About 6 yrs ago started thinking there might be something between him and this other woman going on. He denied it and said they were just friends. Started seeing the online dating stuff too - diagnosed in 2009 with right mastectomy and he was not there to help. In Feb 2012 I found messages on his cell phone saying he wished he was in this woman's arms - and she replied - I know sweetie. Confronted him again and he said that it was just talk and nothing was going on. Two weeks later I lost the use of my legs and found out I was stage 4 with tumors on spine and 2 vertebraes eaten. I had an 8 hour surgery, 1 rib removed, and 2 rods put in my back. In hospital for a month of which he visited 3 or 4 times for 5 or 10 minutes. When I got released from hospital still had to wear back and neck brace for 3 months. He took me home, dropped me off and went to the lake. I could not even get in the freezer to get food out. Due to emotional things going on with my youngest I never kicked him out until this spring, after I caught him locked in an apartment alone with her. Still saying he wasn't f****ing her. Problem now is that I do the books for our company and would like to quit - but don't want to lose track of where all the assets and money is going. Is a lot less stressful him being out of the house but still stressful when I have to see him or talk to him. Hugs to all you strong ladies - We just have to keep on keeping on.

grayeyes

Saskie - I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like a strong lady. IMO, something is seriously wrong with the men who cheat while their wives are in a battle for their lives. And something is wrong with the women who cheat with them. The word sociopath was the first word that came to mind when I found out what my soon-to-be-ex was doing. But another fitting term might be narcissist. These guys (and their mistresses) think only of themselves and no one else. In their minds, the world revolves around them.

saskie

Yep, they are just like little kids and if things aren't going their way then they make life miserable for everybody else.

Myleftboob

Saski and Life

You both hit the nail right on the head.

pipers_dream

I read this thread with interest, even though my situation is different. My "DH" of 23 years came out gay 5 years ago and that was quite a shock as he didn't seem gay. Turns out most don't. I only received my BC dx two days ago so the two had nothing to do with each other except that I feel that those 5 years of major stress (many other things happened as well during that time) probably contributed to what's going on now.

But, the main reason I'm posting this is b/c from my perspective of 5 years later, all I can say is I'm really glad to be rid of him now, and though divorce (and cancer) seem so overwhelming, we know things will get better--we just have to take things one step at a time, and a practice of gratitude helped me thru the divorce and no doubt will help me get thru this as well. Sometimes you may feel that you have nothing more to be grateful for than the fact that you just lost a jerk out of your life, but hold on to that, ladies.

serenitywisdom

Dear pipers drea, and all the other strong ladies on this list.

Your post gave me, some peace of mind and a another reason to feel grateful.  I am going  to be rid of this jerk, narcissist, sociopath.  I think you were really right when you said there is something.  seriously wrong with these guys and the women who haveaffairs with them while their wives are in cancer treatment.  It is bad enough they cheat, but under these circumstances what is wrong with the women they are involved with  Or maybe the women do not know,.  If  our  ex husbands or soon to be ex lie and cheat to us, then they quite possibly  they do the same thing to the women they have affairs with.

I do wonder if bringing up the cancer situation in the court would help get a more equitable financial settlement.  Mine is just dragging on and   on. We avoided a mini trial since we finally  compromised on date of seperation.  He  originally wanted date of seperation to be  long before we filed for divorce  (1998)  and  then he proposed 2 years before he moved out, so he could claim reimbursements against me.  Now he is claiming  reimbursements against me on everything,  wanting me to pay extravagant rent  ($10000/month)  for our house that he moved out of while I was in chemo .  Our mortgage was  $2300/month so I hope that this will be considered a ridiculous claim.  Also he wants me to be  totally   responsible for all the medical bills,  treatments, meds surgeries etcl   Vows- what a joke in sickess and in health. 38 years of marriage and he acts like it is nothing.  Basically his idea is to collect huge reimbursements from me so he will get all the profit from the sale of our house recently and I will end up with nothing.  If any of you are faced with this situation, please advise

I may have to go to trial to prevent him from collecting all these reimbursemens from me.  Anyway making a grateful list helps and having peace of mind that he is not here

Hugs to everyone

pipers_dream

serenitywisdom, I wish I had the answer but I would certainly say that if he is behaving that way, and yes this does sound like sociopathic behavior, then I most certainly would bring up the cancer in court. Talk to your lawyer about how to proceed of course, but I'm thinking that bringing this out right after he makes his insane demands will go against him in a very big way and he may end up with less than what you would have wanted for him. ; ) Yes, count your blessings that he is out of your life and you can move on and concentrate on grandchildren or even find a new love if that's what you want. I do want a new love but I'm pretty content in my singlehood and I was one of those who thought I was happily married.

grayeyes

Serenity -

I see that you and I had surgery/treatment the same year (2011).  I will be sending you a private message in a few minutes.

I am editing to add:  These types of guys have no moral conscience.  Somehow they're able to twist everything in their heads so that they can justify what they do.

And, in some cases, the "other women" might not know the wives have cancer.  But, in other cases, the women DO know.  When asked, my soon-to-be-ex told me matter-of-factly that his "other woman" knew I had cancer.  When I first found out that he was offering to "hook up" with multiple people, I'd just finished treatments.  I asked him if those people knew his wife was fighting cancer.  He laughed and said, "They wouldn't care." 

Shellies

UGH! I STILL can't wrap my head around *men* (I use that word lightly) who cheat on their spouses ESPECIALLY at this time! ...but mine did too (See post above)!

What I'm wondering is when / if I'll ever be ready to date again?!

A former BF of mine (he was the stellar athlete in our high school) has SHOWERED me with gifts, praise, love, attention, etc. He has a VERY good career, responsible, mature, caring, etc... he's PERFECT... but I'm not feelin' it...??? WHY?!?! Is it ME? Is it HIM?!? WTHeck?!

(I'm still not officially done with my record-breaking divorce, but I DO wanna get married again! Heck! I'm 43!!! Why don't I feel the *fireworks*?! Boooooooo!!!)