facing a divorce on top of chemo

I'm sorry for all that you're going through. You certainly didn't need or deserve this? Have you contacted an attorney? I think you should move back into your house, if your name is on the mortgage and deed, and get a good attorney, at once!

Is your health insurance through your husband's employer? Also, talk to the attorney about being fired from your job after being diagnosed!

Are you going through chemo now? I'm not sure where you live, but where I live, I see our hospitals recruiting nurses every day in the newspaper offering $5000-$10000 sign on bonuses.... So, I'm hoping that is the case with you.

You didn't make him cheat.  You cannot make anyone do anything.  The only person you need to be concerned with is you.  It's over and that's a good thing.  If it took cancer to help you see what he really was, consider that a perk.  Home can be where ever you are.  Where he was...was not home...it's his whorehouse.  I believe in Karma and he will lay in the bed he made...but you don't control that either.

Ok...I said all of that.  Sure - all easy to say.  It frickin hurts like hell!  You're life was not suppose to turn out this way!!  Cancer AND divorce!!  Shit...damn it damn it damn it!  He's the lowest form of life and I can't BELIEVE he met a woman who would stay in that house when HIS WIFE HAS BREAST CANCER!!!  Yeah...she'll burn too...

Get mad...get sad...and get movin' on.  You can...and you will get through this.  You have us to help you through.  Try to stay off of meds to help you, but recognize if you need meds to help you!  There are specialized psychiatrists for cancer patients (I have one...or two).  You have been given 100% of time to devote to you...take advantage of that. 

I don't know what state you live in but get with the social worker at the hospital.  They will hook you up with finacial help.  Talk to the billing department and ask to be set up on payment plans and get information on grants that the hospial has. 

Start reviewing other threads and building your knowledge from the experience of us all.  There's a little something about everything I swear.

Honey, hang in there.  I'd like to throw some really nasty words out there but I won't.  There are a few things that offend me....liars, cheaters and theives are in the Top bracket...

I went through a similar situation in 2001 when I had BC the first time. Shortly after my second chemo treatment, I went to the bank too get money for groceries. When I got there the direct deposit was not there like it should have been. I went home called his work. I asked him where the money was. His answer was the ugliest thing anyone has ever said to me,"I canceled direct deposit because you don't need any money, you're going to die anyway".

I got off the phone with him, called a lawyer that specialized in womens rights, got a cost and appt, called my dad and asked him for the money and to go with me the following day. I had the papers signed and delivered him at work by Friday, three days later. I wanted him served at work so they knew that he could no longer use me as an excuse to get out of work, only to stay in bed all day while everyone including our children took care of me.

He has since been diagnosed manic depressive, became addicted to crack cocaine, and disowned by his family. And although I am going through this again ten years later, I am still happier that I got out of that life when I did. It was hard. I had to go back to school, raise three children on my own, and move out of state to get a job. I plan to live a long time so he can see that I didn't die, but more so that I didn't need him or his money to survive.



His affair was not my fault and neither was the abuse I suffered in the many years with him. It took many years of counseling to realize that. you are not at fault for the way your husband its behaving. It is in him to behave that way. Good luck to you!

Good Lord, I read all of your posts previous to this and I am so very, very sorry that you are suffering soo very much. You have only been married for a little over two years and your husband has proven in this very short time to be a man of very, very poor character.  I know that you love him and your heart is aching and you want nothing more than to be a mom. But maybe the cosmos or God is trying to tell you something...not with this man. Your husband is very, very inconsistent and is, in fact, not a man. He is just not mature enough to keep or even know what it meant when he promised to take care of you in sickness and health. I know you feel very hurt by his appalling behavior. But consider yourself very, very lucky to be free of what would have been a life time of misery. I am very sorry that you suffered the miscarriage.  But although you would have been a mom, you would now be a single mom with a baby, going through cancer alone with all of these same problems. And judging from the way he is treating you now, I don't think he would have been able to make any commitment towards being a good parent either.  I don't know what the future holds for children for you.  Are you able to freeze ovaries?  Is there hope for children in the future with a new man for you?  Right now, you need to take care of yourself. You did nothing to cause this, even if you were not always perfect, even if you were mostly not perfect most of the time. This is not a man who will succeed in marriage, he is a child. Look to the sky and count your blessings that he will be out of your life and feel nothing but pity for the body belonging to that maxi pad! I am also soo very sorry that you have lost your job....yet you are plugging away..still looking for a new job, with a wig....you are STRONG!!! You are going to be OK!!! You are vulnerable right now...keep going..keep moving foreword..time is on your side...I am just soo sorry that you are having such sadness.....it is not fair, it is not your fault and you will be ok....

I have been through divorce (he just filed one day after 9 years of marriage right after my M/C of first baby too).  We were in the process of considering a move so he had convinced me to sell the house right after the M/C and it sold right away - he knew he was leaving me and I had no idea.  I was not working at the time either so I lost my house, baby and husband and had no job like you. I was not going through BC though.  I know how devasted I was.  It was a very dark time of my life.  I am so sorry you have to go through this.  It is incredibly cruel and selfish of him.  He is a pitiful excuse of a man.  A real wimp.  You deserve so much better.  I wish I had the right words to help but I don't. Just know you will get through this and in time life will be better.  Have you considered counseling or a support group to help you through all of this?  It may be helpful to connect with people feeling the same things.  I am so very sorry.  Hugs hugs hugs!

To all the women who posted here:

THANK YOU for all your comments.   I keep re reading them.  It gives me hope and takes away some of the pain I feel.  I too experienced what  TBear originally posted.  I thought I was the only one who had a husband like this.   I am still  in chemo therapy and husband of more than 25 years  tells me he is moving out.  I kind of suspected he might be having an affair and when I asked him point blank if he was going to live with another woman , he said yes. I know I look bad after a mastectomy and chemo  but what happened to marriage vows  "in sickness and in health."  The wierd part is that I almost felt relieved cause I  then realized I had been married to a man with a  severe lack of character, abusive in many ways  and who is totally narcisstic. I hope the other woman enjoys him   The hard part is thinking about a divorce, the financial issues having to move etc etc. The most difficult part is how he has handled it with our children- telling them to come over and meet his new girlfriend and he just wants them to become a new happy family.   He got angry because they wouldn't meet his new girlfriend and has stopped talking to them.  Our family has been ripped apart by his behavior.

  I have enough energy I think to cope with cancer and the treatments and a bunch of other serious family  issues on my plate  but the divorce too is almost too much. . .  Having cancer  and no job,  financial insecurity  has made me feel quite vulnerable.     The good news is I got a wonderful new dog who is a hundred times better as a companion than he was.

Please keep comments coming as they help.  I think there may be other women out there who have experienced this as well.  Forgive me for rambling but it helps to get this out, my oncologist told me that divorce is the second most stressful event in one's life next to the death of a child. 

OMG this is like reading my life.  How can men be so unbelievably horrible when we are at what we feel is the worst thing we could have happen to us.  I feel like saying lets cut off your "unmentionable" and see how manly you feel after that.  My husband not only cheated but lied and then struck up the affair again 6 months later.  I found out by chance and he denied it until I played the "tape of their sexual interlude".  I have separated from him since then and we see each other because of our children.  If it were not for them, I would not even speak to him.  I'm sorry...I am really bitter just being diagnosed recently and dealing with it all.  But wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  And I am sorry you have to suffer this horrible painful situation on top of everything else.  Please feel free to PM me if you need to vent. 

My ex was living a double life and I found out the day after his daughter was born. During the whole time of his double life, he gave no indication, made plans for our future and the only signs towards the end were indications of mild depression, lol turned out he had good reason to be depressed as his two lives were about to collide. He lied (dont they all) said it was a one night stand and he was just taking responsibility, I fell for it and thought we were trying to sort things out, but that turned out to be just so he could have a place to sleep till he could work out how to get his mistress into the country legally. I was dx with bc 6 months after he left for good.

 My divorce papers came mid way through chemo and he tried to force me to sign settlement papers during that whole period too, saying of course he wasnt trying to rip me off. I got angry from the pressure, ended up telling him to talk to my solicitor, I hired one and did all the paperwork once chemo brain receded a bit and he sure as heck was trying to rip me off) Im now 3.5 years out from chemo and while I miss having "someone" in my life, no way I would want that lying mongrel back. How someone can turn from being your soulmate, the one person in the world who will "get" you everytime, to a monster that you dont even recognise anymore is what puzzles me.

 Its not easy and we all know we would have been there for them, if it was them that had been dx'd with something serious. I think men just think differently from us, they have midlife crisis and dont seem to have a conscious. My ex, honest to god seems to have just blocked out what he did, how he lied to ALL family and friends for years and then when it was convenient for him, he just moved on with his new life, new job, existing mistress and baby.

Im doing okay, not miserable but not ecstatically happy either and I do dwell on it all occasionally if I dont keep myself distracted with other things. Certainly not about to trust another man though, which is a shame, I was a good wife lol. Clearly wasnt clingy or he never would have gotten away with so much for so long. lmao, he walked out the last time saying he loved only me, but had to set up house with the mistress as she wouldnt let him see his kid otherwise, likely story huh  A fine examle of how men try to make themselves look good and fail miserably.

 Persevere ladies and dont let those pittiful excuses for men do more damage to our lives than they already have. I would never set out to hurt my ex or his family in any way but I do hope that Karma turns up someday and kicks him in the butt. 

Oddly due to the marriage breakup, bc didnt really hit me that hard. I just did what I was told and tried not to think at all, just concentrated on getting well.

I hope anyone out there going through this at present realises none of this is our fault, we didnt do anything but love and trust our husbands, they are the ones who have to live with and answer for their actions now and in the future. We just have to live and get through our tx's and try as best we can to move on with having happy healthy lives.

Life is throwing , not one, but at least two challenges at you, at the same time. It all comes down to your ability to find , within yourself, and hold on to it, love and acceptance of who you are, and the inner peace that comes with it. It is a universal path you are walking on. So, remember, you are never alone.

We'll think of you on September 28th.  

tbear17 - I am just now reading this thread, and I'm so happy to hear how everything has turned out for you!

I am going through a divorce right now.  He was living a double life and cheating while I was fighting cancer, though he kept denying it.  Now he's living with another woman.  We have kids, so right now we are fighting over custody and visitation.

My oncologists told me that, sadly, this scenario is very common for breast cancer patients.  They claim that many men leave when their wives are diagnosed with cancer, whereas women tend to stick by their husbands when they are diagnosed with cancer. 

After the lying cheat left, I, too, became close to a nice man, but then I had to tell him that I cannot get together with him, anymore, due to a number of reasons.  Now I'm sad again.  But it felt good that someone cared for me... if only for awhile.  There are decent men out there, ladies, even if they seem hard to find sometimes.

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.  I had a similar experience where I was with a man whom I considered to be the love of my life.  We were not married but had been together for 3 plus years.  I seriously would have been okay if I didn't make it through my cancer as long as he was holding me.  I would have taken a bullet for this man.  Well guess what, the evening of my second chemo treatment I asked him where we are going from here and he said "I have my own health to worry about I can't worry about you too".  I asked him to leave and he did.  The year before my diagnosis he had a heart attack and I stood by him and did whatever I could to make his life easier.  I was not only mourning the loss of my breast but more importantly the man I thought was my soul mate.  He is a picture of health today as am I but we did not get back together.  Time heals all wounds and life goes on and you have to as well and you will.  Keep your head up, be strong and keep your feet moving forward.

Wow, why did I ever think I was alone!!!?? Yes, maybe there should be a thread for this. I got diagnosed with lymes disease about 8 years ago. By the time they found it, it had already done a lot of dammage. I was in bed for a year not being able to walk, begging the doc to cut my legs off to stop the pain, went thru 6 hr infusions monthly, was in a wheelchair, finally a scooter then thankfully a cane. Hubby was there with me all the time, then one day started being distant more and more. I had my first episode of tachycardia, called doc he said get to ER, asked DH to take me, he ws playing a game, said he didnt really want to go, so terrified I drove myself. Was in a room, doc holding my hand giving me an iv saying they were going to get heart back in rhythm, but was going to feel a pause. Was so scared. Looked up, here DH finally coming down hall. For days just felt a bell going off. Started watching, caught a phone call, caught a bunch of calls on a cell bill not mine. Confronted him, yes he was seeing someone. He said that my being ill had just sucked his soul dry, he just wasnt sure he loved me anymore. Sucked his soul dry.???!!! Man, what a waste of time that at the same time I was thanking god, that it was me who got sick and not him. But you know, what goes around , comes around!!

HI,

I haven't been on this thread since 2/18/2012  but was feeling rather lonely, and sad  and wondered how people were doing during and post divorce.  

TBEAR- your story was uplifting and gave me some hope.  I have no expectation that I will meet another man  (I am over 60 and most men don't look at women my  age who have had breast cancer, I would imagine) but just knowing things might get better after the divorce is hopeful.  And being rid of my ex and living more peacefully has definitely improved my happiness and serenity. Also hopefully I can get employed again .  I also am a RN.

I finished chemo in about March 2012 and then had breast  reconstruction and a couple minor procedures after that.  Luckily no health issues, although my liver tests have been a little off but they say no problem. 

I finally served  papers on my hopefully soon to be ex April 2012.  It has been 39 years married to this abusive jerk/narcissist  He moved out late in 2011 and started living with his new girlfriend while I was still in chemo .

Our family has been torn apart.  My daughter won't speak to her father anymore since he insisted that she meet his new girlfriend and that they  would have a new happy family.  My  other child who has a developmental disability is confused and asks if his father can be married to me and the other woman.  

Financially things have been tough.  My soon to be ex (while I was in chemo  and before I discovered he was in a long term relationship with another woman),  told me to apply for early retirement social security since we needed the money.  I did that and he now uses that income to reduce the  temporary spousal support .  During chemo, he kept insisting I should be working although I was having some serious heart issues/side effects.  Luckily my oncologist said she would write a letter stating I should not work.  His attorney dropped the demand that I should have a vocational assssment.

Now we have a trial set regarding date of seperation.  He originally said date of marriage being over was 1997 but the judge rolled his eyes and told him to come up with another date.  He was served papers in 2012.   He now says the date of seperation should be 2010 and that the only reason he did not proceed with the divorce was due to my medical problems.  However he was living with me until late in 2011.  I figure he is proposing  2010 so he can claim that I owe him money for all the medical bills which were not covered by insurance.  

So bottom line, I hope my attorney is good and  that I won't be using all of the proceeds from selling our house on attorneys fees.  House we lived in for 18 years was just sold yesterday and I am now living in condo, but at least I have a roof over my head and peace and quiet.   Having cancer and this type of stress is not good for us.  But I am trying to make the best of it.  One day at a time and I try and do a much better job of taking care of myself.  I take time to make myself good healthy food, go to the beach with my dog, and see my friends.

Hugs

Dear Ingrid and others facing this,

It has been almost a year and half since I finished my last herceptin infusion  and then had reconstructive surgery.  I am doing ok now and try to make a grateful list which lifts my spirits.  Sometimes I get lonely but then tell myself why would I want to be with a man who would leave his wife for another woman while she is in the middle of chemotherapy.  So much for marriage vows of sickness and in health.  It says a whole lot more about their character or  lack of to do such a thing.    I think the judges have seen this type of thing and hopefully get it and not allow this type of outrageous behavior to be rewarded.  My soon to be ex currently pays very little support stating he is not earning any income as the president of his company.  This type of stress I don't need but I am just going to do it one day at a time, as you said.  I too have a much better companion who loves me unconditionally and doesn;t care if I have cancer-  my rescue dog whom I got after he moved out.  The dog and I rescued each other.  I am just trying to concentrate on healing and move on.

Hugs to everyone