What the heck???

I'm back from work and it's 11:30pm where I live. It's kind of good that I have to work hard as it can distract me from focusing on negative things.

Thanks again for all the warm and kind words. I really appreciate that I came across all of you. I'm starting to get tired of being depressed and negative. It's about time to turn the new page where I can go back to my usual "happy-go-lucky" self. It may take a little more time but I will try anyways or else I'll be bitch slapped. I sent my best friend in Australia an email saying how miserable I have been feeling etc and when I was back home from grocery shopping yesterday, there was a message from her on my answering machine yelling at me to come on MSN. She seemed to be angry but sad at the same time, was crying until she got off the phone. I turned on my MSN, she was there and invted me to watch her webcam. It was so great and helped me feel a lot better as I was able to feel her so close like she was actually here with me. She's been suffering from lupus for ages and is pretty fat since she's been on steroids for a long time. She exactly knows how I feel but always try to find funny or positive side in any situation. She wouldn't let me be sad or alone. Words can't say how much I love and need her.



Just had to share this with everyone again as it always makes me feel better. It's taken about 2 months before I started this journey.


Sherry, thanks for the hug and prayers. BTW I know this is absolutely off topic but can I ask you how did you choose your online name? I have been curious.

Marcela, thank you for taking your time to cheer me up when you are having a rough time as well. I too feel guilty sometimes for not having had a real tough time with chemo so I know where you're coming from. But you can come back to this thread where you don't need to feel guilty or to be strong. We don't have too many ladies come over here, you would only see the old familiar faces. None of us would let you feel guilty and you'll soon feel home. I know I should live for myself, not for other people but sometimes it gets hard to believe that I'm worth anything. Maybe I'll have to try harder.

Donna, so are you feeling any better? I feel terrible that I didn't know you are hurting that much. No, you can't overstep as there're no boundaries in the first place. I'll always know who you are and where you're coming from. As for anti-depressants, the only reason I have never taken them or asked for them is that we're too behind you when it comes to emotional care. I don't even know who I should be seeing to get a good care. I'll ask my oncologist about the mood swing and what he can do for me.

Denise, maybe you have to get a huge box or else Carrie will have to fold you in pieces. Please just make sure she pays the postage as I don't think I can afford that much.

Carrie, even though we have this "what the heck" now, don't you miss our old home "somewhere I don't have to be strong"? I think you started it, right? We can start a new thread anytime we want, maybe next time it should be "somewhere we don't have to behave"?

Cowgirl, that's so great that your friend is cancer free now. For me, the only problem is radiation treatment. I've already done with #11 Taxol and only one more to go so I think I can tolerate it. But I want to put the radiations on hold, at least until the weather gets easier (our summer is as hot and sticky as hell) as my skin is already suffering a lot. I have those nasty rashes all over my body so I don't really want anymore burdens on my skin at the moment.

Calico, nope you can't be ugly. You were beautiful even when you didn't have hair. Yeah Decadron is such a mess but luckily since I only have one more Taxol to go, I'll be graduating from it soon as well.

Doreen, I didn't know you had to go through your treatments alone. Looks like we have a lot in common. My work doesn't have any kind of disability programs but our government does have one. Although I don't think it really works as it will only guarantee 60% of my income. We're not entitled to a lot of vacation time to start with (only 2 weeks a year including sick leave) but my boss has been so understanding about my situation. I'm sure I've already used up my time off but I still get paid like I haven't take any time off and it will be the same when I go in for rads everyday.

Kari, you don't know how much I want to be kidnapped! You'll just have to be careful when you kidnap me. Don't ever use your affected arm or else you'll get LE. I'm too heavy to be easy for your arm. *lol*

Nosurrender, oh dear, what can I say? I really, really appreciate that you took your time to write such a long post for me. As far as I know, we haven't even talked in person, right? (Although I have been following most of your posts.) I just can't put into words how much this means to me. "This will end" you said, it's been stuck in my head since I saw your post this afternoon, which is part of why I'm starting to feel better. You sure is one of the gems on this entire board and I now know what makes you shine this bright.

Sierra, thanks for the PM. I'll write back to you later.


Thank you again my dearest sisters, you rock!!!