What the heck???

F

Fumi - You ARE beautiful. Weight, swelling, hair loss are just "scars" that any mini'zilla would be wearing after the battle you've been through.

Your heart, kindness, spirit, humor remain intact and shine more than ever before.

I know it's sad to feel "ugly" - I have felt that way at different times, either because of extra weight, a pimple on my face, bad (or no) hair days...but this journey has helped me to gain perspective..it's what's on the inside that counts.

Sending warm thoughts and a great big silly {{{{{{cyber-hug}}}}}} across the ocean my friend,

hang in there...remember, this TOO shall PASS.

Donna

Wow I miss everything!

Fumi girlfriend you are loved and cared for! Snap outta it!!!!! You are too special to be so sad!

Been busy miss yall so much! Mom's appartment is officially empty. I am doing another garage sale here at my house, the kids feel robbed of a summer yet again but what are you going to do? I had cancer mom had to be moved! They need to cowboy up too!

Okay my vent is over! Glad to see familar faces here to cheer up the crowd, stick around gals!

Fumi,
I feel so sad when you are sad.
You made me think of something. When Denise was going through the active part of treatment no hair, swollen from decadron , throwing up, too tired to even go to the front room. I kept thinking why does she still look so pretty?
I would look like a toad, I was amazed. she did'nt think so , and most certainly did'nt feel very pretty, she felt like a toad, a squished one!

Today Fumi she can see out of eye's that are not feeling all the effects of treament, today Fumi she will tell you she looks good,and that day will happen for you too sweet friend.

Love ,
Carrie

PS
I saw you picture too, and I and my husband think you are soo pretty.

Fumi,
I am worried about you will you please checkin with us
even if it is just to tell us you are taking a break?

We care very much about you~~~~

Carrie

I am new to this board as I was diagnosed a month ago and am 2 1/2 weeks post masectomy with immed recon (expander) - I read and read and only sometimes respond - I even feel quilty responding or venting my own emotional bs sometimes because I caught this bc early - stage 1 - was able to start immed recon - had clear margins - e/p + and will not have to endure chemo - just tamoxifen - I have a cervical issue which is a whole other drama that was dx a week prior to surgery that I am dealing with - BUT ... I still feel sometimes like I have no right to complain or feel sorry for myself - there are those of you who have had this far worse and harder -
I am divorced with 2 kids - a 12 yr old son who lives with me full time and 19 yr old daughter who is moving back in with me this month with her own set of dramas - I have a live in boyfriend of 1 1/2 years (who brings with him a 6 and 8 year old son) and who I wonder if we will make it through as a couple - Our relationship has had to endure one difficult trial after another and this one takes the cake - and even though sometimes I have a houseful of either kids who needs me or relatives visiting so they can "help", my family who do not like/approve of my boyrfriend and remind me whenever they can or my boyfriend who relieves his stress by snoring on the sofa - I feel so alone - I HATE having to depend on others for help - I HATE the tightness and the nerve pain felt with the expander - I HATE the weekly doctor appointments and the upcoming cervical surgery this week - I HATE the crying spells I find myself in or the physical limitations I have at the moment - I HATE the waiting games for test results - and then I feel SOOOO ungrateful - When I was first dx I thought Oh My Gosh - I am going to die - I have cancer - Now ---- I am getting news that all points in the direction that this will not kill me - It will just be one heck of a ride - and I still can't rejoice and feel grateful and appreciative of all that I thought I would lose -
Fumi - I don't know you - (don't even know where you live) and I haven't been a part of your very long journey - but your emotions and feelings of lonliness and emotional exhaustion are something we share in common - even if our situations are not identical - It comes from within - and you CAN get on with life - even when you think you can't - because you don't need others to care for or live for - you live for YOU and you are worth the effort!
As for your faith "issues" - I am Christian (although I have lost many friends because I am living in sin with my boyfriend!) - My mother is buddhist and my father was an athiest - So my eclectic philosophy is that God is love and HE loves you ALWAYS - that Nothing is permanent and that pain and suffering are an inevitable part of life - and that it's the little things in life added up that bring us joy - Cancer did not take your life - DON'T let it deplete you anymore than it has to -
Now I will log off and see if I can't take my own advice!
Marcela

Fumi, I have to agree with Donna. You sound like I was feeling when I decided I needed some help. I was afraid that I would get to a point that I couldn't return from and I just didn't have the strength to fight the cancer and fight my emotions. Best decision I ever made, never plan to stop taking them! Peace of mind is just so important in this whole process.

Don't make me come over there! It won't be pretty! (Also, Carrie would have to box me up and pay postage!!!)

Love you sis,

Denise

Fumi,
My colon cancer friend went through a lot of the feelings you are feeling. He hit rock bottom, and honestly was fed up. His quality of life was not okay, and he felt like the treatment was worse than the cancer.

I say this because what he decided was to take a treatment break, space out his chemo. It was the best decision, his oncologist agreed. So he is cancer free now, and you know he is much happier. He said it was the best decision, he felt like he was riding a freight train and couldn't stop it.

We all need a break from this board, and I truly understand. Everyone needs space and support, and at different times it is different for each of us.

I love you and support you. I wish I could be there with you to give you hugs.

I understand your faith situation, so don't worry about offending me, heck I have been deleted and am expert at killing threads.

Just want you to know I love you Fumi!

I hope Marcela comes back to read this thread ~ after she's gone to take her own advice ~ because I want to send her a great big hug as well
(((((((((((((((((Marcela)))))))))))))))))))))))
you are going through the journey yourself, you have had and continue to have ups and downs and strong emotions, you identified so strongly with Fumi's feelings and you took the time to come and help her and show her that life is good and life is worth carrying on.

What a very generous and giving spirit you have. Bless you on your journey.

Fumi: I sooooo want to get on a plane and give you a hug and show you how much you are loved ... I live by myself too... I have 4 sisters - but none of us live in the same town ... I went through my cancer treatments alone ... though I skipped chemo... had a lumpectomy, radiation, hysterectomy, and am on arimidex - I fought and continue to fight for myself ... and the ability to help support others who are going through this battle...
even when we go through the same or similar treatments - each of us has different and differing levels of side effects and reactions from the treatements ... I personally do not think that that means we cannot reply in support of someone else ...
I think that each of us can help each other .. no matter what our treatements entail .. as we can understand each other - maybe not the specifics of each individual treatment plan - but with the fear - the anxiety, the overwhelming feelings, the feelings of being alone and nobody understanding how we really feel ... the overwhelming feelings and unknowns of our lifes that are forever changed by the unwelcome experience - and journey that is forced upon us...

Can you take a break from work for awhile ? Does your work have a short term disability program - or perhaps your co-workers would be willing to pool some vacation so you can take some time off during treatment - or perphaps there is some govt program that can help you for a short period of time ??? Is there a social worker at your treatment center that can offer you ideas for some type of assistance and support ?

Fumi: I care about you very deeply ... and want to help if there's any way that I can ... please ... please... let me know if there's anything I can do....
With love and hugs,
Doreen

Fumi,
My sweet friend.
Let me tell you about me. I am one of the ones who is Ra RA! You can do it! You are Strong! Bullets bounce off you!

but THAT WAS NOT ME.

I was completely alone for all of my treatments and surgeries.

I remember during one of the surgeries they said I HAD to have a family member take me home. I had none! I hired a car service and had to pay the driver extra to pretend to be my cousin. In the recovery room they asked me what my "cousin" looked like. I only saw the back of his head - I had no idea how tall he was or what he looked like! I said "average" and that passed. But then he dropped me home and I had no cousin and I had to do everything for myself.

I would go grocery shopping before each infusion and try to think of everything I could possibly need because I knew I wouldn't be able to leave the house for a few days. I drove to chemo and drove home, picking up my meds on the way. I had a really bad reaction to chemo. And I was allergic to all the anti nausea meds, so I literally spent the first couple of days and nights, sleeping on the bathroom floor. BUT when I needed another pill or needed some ginger ale or some crackers I had to drag myself up and get it myself.

I wanted to quit. In fact I did. I told my onc - no more. I am killing myself to save my life and I don't have a life worth saving. I would hear about a young mother who lost her battle and think that should have been me in her place, I have nothing, I am nothing, she deserves to live not me.

I don't know if I ever posted this here, but before my dx I had a spinal surgery that went really bad. I left the hospital unable to walk without a walker. I graduated to a cane and six mnths later got BC. I went through tx with my cane. The problem was I have an unstable spine, and every time I got sick it would make my back worse. That would mean losing all feeling in my legs.

I told my onc I quit but I showed up for the next one and the next one until I was done. I was an automaton. My life was comprised of going to the doctor, getting sick and being in pain from my back. What made the back worse was I am allergic to all narcotics to the best I could do was tylenol.

I made it to the last chemo. On that last day I couldn't stop crying because I could not believe I made it. That I actually managed to drag myself there and take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.

I still had rads ahead and I had a bad time with those too. During chemo I needed more surgery for another lump they found and after rads they had to remove the bottom part of my breast to take off the burned, dead tissue.

By the time I was DONE I wasn't popping any champagne. I was exhausted, beat up, beaten down, and felt like FOR WHAT? WHAT kind of life am I going to have NOW?

This whole thing, while we reassure eachother that it is so doable, is DOABLE... but it takes its toll on our spirit. You see, they can heal us, treat the cancer, but what about the rest of us? What about our spirit? It has been shocked with the dx, terrified by surgeries, assaulted by chemicals and a never ending fear of which is worse- the disease or the treatment??

You feel so badly because you are going through HELL. You are at the worst part right now. The part that makes you forget WHY you are taking the tx, and most importantly that there IS an end to this.

No matter how bad you feel, it ends. If you told me that when I was sleeping in the bathroom I would have thrown something at you.

But here I am, Fumi. It ended. I went to hell... the same hell you are in. But you have to remember this, they let you out.

Now the day you are done you won't feel well. You will feel lost, like NOW WHAT??! And you will still think of yourself as a permanent patient- Fumi no more.

I did!

Slowly, your spirit starts to heal. And it starts to relax. Your whole being has been on RED ALERT for months and months now. That fight or flight response that is raging through you is wreaking havoc on your spirit. But when you are done, you kick it down a few nothches... and then a few more... and somehow your spirit sees it is safe to relax a bit and then you will too.

Now here is where the Ra RA part comes in. When you have fought the last battle and kicked this beast to the curb for good, when the dust has settled you suddenly realize- "holy crap! I did all that??? And I did it by myself?!"

That is the most empowering realization in the world.

But you have to get there... RIGHT NOW? It is OK to feel like sh!t. If you didn't there would be something seriously wrong with you. You have hit rock bottom and have had enough. THAT iS OK and it is normal. Fumi needs a break...

...it is coming. You just have to ride this wave out. If you quit now that would mean maybe having to start from square one all over again. DON'T do it!

You are in it, you are doing all the things necessary, and it is almost over. Remember this above all else: IT ENDS... and when it ends Fumi begins.

I WAS you Fumi. And here I am, almost five years later, here because I didn't quit when I wanted to. There is an end to this mess and you will be YOU again.

And the you I know from these boards is pretty awesome. Give yourself a chance to beat this beast and be able to look back and shake your head and say I DID IT.

NO- You do not feel like it now.
No- you want it overwith now.
And I understand that. But do yourself a favor...please Fumi, finish it so it really is OVERWITH FOREVER.

Please PM me if you ever want to talk. If I can get from the place you are in right now and become a RA RA cheerleader- anyone can.

Let yourself feel bad- it is ok! but also let yourself get better and get rid of this cancer NOW.

"Think of all the beauty that's still left in and around you and be happy." Ann Frank

With love and total understanding,
your friend, g

PS...now do you see how I came up with the name nosurrender???
Don't let the Beast win. WE WANT FUMI.