2012 sisters

Scorchy, I'm also probably not as driven as you, and not dealing with anything like bone mets. But I found it difficult to hand off "my" work temporarily to my co-workers, even though I know they will do a good job. The hardest part was training them. I kept thinking, will they continue to do it "my" way? And if they get along just fine without me, what does that say about my value as an employee? But there's no choice, you just have to let go a little.

Scorchy - I hear you. I went from being an almost full time student and two jobs to sitting at home, staring at the walls. I am an art teacher for a private company and love my job more than anything I've ever done. And I haven't been able to teach since September. It was like cutting my heart out. My teaching partners have been great about sending pictures of what my kids are working on but it still kills me. But I'm trying to focus on getting through treatment and get back to my life. The support group I've been going to has been a huge help. To be with other people going through the same thing and feeling the same things has helped immensely. I highly recommend it.

Scorchy and others-

I have been spending hours every day cogitating whether to return to my job which is all consuming 12 hour days. At first I wanted to wait until I had some hair so every encounter I had with staff ( who don't know my diagnosis) and every patient isn't focusing on me and how I am doing- I don't have the mental energy for that, nor could I get much done. Then I wondered do I want to rev up to this most demanding job that I have fairly successfully handed over to others to just work one more year. My DH took early retirement 2 years ago and wants me to retire and I sort of said I would in 2014.



I met with a social worker who helps people make crossroads decisions at times in their lives when they are in palliative care. ( I'm not but, I am very high risk due to 3C stage) who was suggested to me by a nurse. He listened to me for an hour. ( I think we take pride in our super woman capabilities, but is that kind of job good for us?)

Anyway he said to me " i think you should spend some time thinking about what you WANT to do with the rest of your life" ( instead of the narrow question to go back to work or retire). I know it sounds simple, but, I hadn't done that, I was so stressed about whether to jump off the cliff of working into retirement or not.

I still haven't decided and they really want me back at work, but, maybe I should do what I want to do with my days instead - as soon as I figure that out.

NKB, Scorchy,et al

DH and I have a small mom and pop shop in the city. Since my dx I have tried to explain to DH that I can't/won't do all that I used to. That instead of the business being the main focus of life that maybe we should do things that do not revolve around the business.  DH doesn't touch the puter so all internet commerce and communications are my responsibility at this point he does all the packing and heavy lifting.  I would like to use some of those retirement funds (we are both over 59 1/2) lower our living expenses like sell the big old house in Bergen cty with the absurd property taxes, the kids are grown and we don't need a good school system.Get DH up to speed on the internet and so do  most of our selling there and at one or two shows a year. rather than keep the shop in the city with all the expenses related to it. I look forward to a slower pace, I am through with most of the invasive treatments just on tamoxifen now and appointments with the onc are now 4 months apart. Looking forward to my next/last surgeryt when I have my new boobs installed. Haven't told DH yet but late January I will go on a trip either with him or on my own.

Charlotte

Scorchy I feel for you, it's hard to see such a big chunk of your identity threatened or diminished.   However you are a terrific writer and long on humor and wisdom and experience, and maybe some of that can get channeled into some sort of producer role that isn't so dependent on long hours and cranking out work to a set schedule within a defined structure.

I am currently out on disability leave.  I don't know if that's an option for you or not.  I found it was a relief to be out compared to trying to hang on working part time while feeling sub-par in my abilities and focus, and having unpredictable hours due to doctor appointments and varying levels of symptoms.  The first few weeks of being out were hard emotionally but I am adapting.  I have always been a hobbyist and a reader, so ultimately my time gets filled with some new interest or obession.  My level of self-care (sleep, nutrition, exercise, following up with doctors on symptoms) has increased a lot as well since I don't have the job taking up that lion's share of my time and energy.  I still feel rather worthless like a housecat some days, but I try to remember that human life is more than being a producer.  I was a producer for a long time.

I hope you find some adaptation or acceptance in this situation.  Hugs to you!

I went on state disability also, even if I had the energy to do my job, I wouldn't have been able to during chemo due to lowered resistance and the logistical nightmare of planning appointments and treatment around my job would have been impossible. When the treatment date was changed due to too low white count, I was free to change to whatever worked. I felt like this treatment was my job. I paid into state disability for 30+ years, it was my turn to use it.



I just turned 60, a bit young to retire, but, I do enjoy the yoga classes, read at least 50 books during this time off etc. I have to stop needing to be a super woman and feel good doing things I enjoy ( without guilt or a sense of non accomplishment) still haven't decided whether to retire- but, I will have to show my hand soon. Someone said flip a coin, while its in the air, you'll know what result you are hoping for.

Bosom Buddies,

Thanks for your input and wisdom.  I'm a big reader of the Stoics--Marcus Aurelius in paticular.  I've read The Meditations just about every day--or at the least each week for the past twenty-plus years.  I adopt a very matter of fact view of life and suck up the challenges.  They are what they are.  Stoic philosophy gives me strength and centers me.

I think Lieife used the key word in all of this: loss.  Something so valuable that you lose your grasp on it and you become distraught.  This might be the first time in the last twenty or so years that I can't center myself or suck it up. 

I think I may have to consider disability for a short period.  Though, sheesh, you get 6 months per calendar year.  And who knows what lies beyond that six months.  Decisions.  Decisions.

You have all given me something to think about and mull over while I am on vacation next week visiting family.  (I'll be so annoyed with the family I won't have time to think about cancer!)  Knitting will have to console me.  Life.  It is what it is.

Wishing you all a happy, happy Thanksgiving.  Although I know our Canadian friends have already celebrated!

Scorchy

YAY TAZZY!  Congrats.

I had righty removed this past Monday.  The worst part of the recovery is that I have 1 drain that is painful and discharges on the gauze.  The good news is in total the drains are not putting out a lot of crap so maybe/hopefully both out next week. I hope so bc I am really struggling with it.  I don't see the dr until wednesday WEDNESDAY.  Overall, I think I am doing good.  My back hurts from sitting all the time and sleeping sitting up.  My favorite thing to do everyday is to take a shower, even if it's interuptted about a dozen times from the kids.  They are doing ok with it.  Mary is having a little bit of a hard time - she thinks moms here mom can play but then she tells Andrew "leave her alone she's got a hurt arm".

Day by day taking an adventure...rode in the car to pick them up from school, today is swimming lessons for them tomorrow is sunday school. 

So many good posts I read, so happy to hear of all the milestones, recovery and support.  Have a good weekend.

Jenjen- I too had one really painful drain and finally realized I wasnt taking enough of my pain meds. If that is your case also, don't short yourself- I remember how that one drain can wreck your day. When it is removed (not at all a bad process) the relief is instantaneous. Sounds like you are doing great otherwise. Hang in there:)

I am anxious to see the final pathology report and know if other nodes were impacted aside from the mammary node.  My genetics test came back positive...as I thought it would.

jenjen:  glad you are recovering well.    Is your drain site incision red at all... the leakage could be due to an infection which antibiotics can clear up easily.   Just be careful that is all.   Take care and treat yourself kindly.

I had my drains taken out at 2 wks. One healed right away but the one that was still draining the most weeped for a good week afterward and then finally dried up. I was also able to shower with my drains in, the doctor told the nurses to give me Tegaderm Film to put over them and it worked great.  I would have been miserable if I couldn't get a shower in once in a while.  I don't post much but love to stalk this and a couple other forums. Enjoy the weekend everyone!

Jenjen- I agree it is likely pissed off. Maybe check with tour PS about adding peroxide and betadine to your cleaning routine. I did that for that last two weeks of drains being in. That seemed to work for me. Hope you feel better and hopefully the weeping gets better.

halfcan- I'm so sorry about the nurse from hell. i think we have all had one during this journey. While I love my Onc and the phlebotomist the nurse I had who is sweet as pie (honestly). When I had to go in for 3 rounds of IV iron infusions, I told her that I only had one vein that can be accessed because everything else is deep and rolls. She found the vein in the center of my under arm, makes the comment that she "can get that", I laughed and said "yeah, you and everyone else thinks that too, but this is the best one (as i point to it). She decides she's going to use "her" vein. She gets in there and she misses because it rolled. I said "why don't we get shannon (the phlebotomist) so she gets her and shannon comes in and says "oh you used the wrong one". hmmm so she starts it and for the remaining two visits shannon started them for me so i wasn't getting stuck more than once. lol

I hope you don't mind me joining you....last week I had a bilateral masectomy for DCIS in the left breast ended up finding idc in both breasts....I don't know how we are going to move forward...meet Oncology on Tuesday...tumors are 1.9 and 1.7 cm so almost 2...they didn't expect any of this, my surgeon didnt check my sentinal nodes and in my left arm pit I have a large benign tumor from a genetic disorder i have that really shouldn't be messed with...(could cause a lot of bleeding or cause it to grow) so not sure how they will check nodes in that arm pit...or if we will just treat...don't deal well with the unknown!  Need to know others get it!