Aging Parents Anonymous

Awwwwww, that touches my heart, Susan! I have been impressed with ALL the things he has been doing, to be honest. I mean, it totally floors me that he figured out the code on the bracelet thingie and was able to get out of the bldg and would sit in an employees car. He is VERY SMART! Which probably makes things so much harder. It will be awfully hard to outwit him, thats for sure! Cute that they convinced him to stay for dinner, and I sure do hope that soon he will be okay being there. (((((Susan)))))

Oh shoot, wish you were able to visit your dad too, but I DO understand family dynamics and you were smart to not push the issue. Hope your mom is healing well, but I think you said you won't know for a few weeks?

My DH got the report on the echo-cardiogram and its the same as 18 mo ago, so am glad for no bad changes there. Got a lot to do, since I leave in a day and a half, for 3 wks!

Take care,

Kathy

So how is everyone doing?....or I should ask, how are Mom and Dad doing?    My father is coming to visit this weekend.....getting a ride here with a friend of mine's cousin who lives in Cincinnati and am sure that is going to completely confuse him...warned her that she will have to stop at a few rest stops on the way.   I talked to him last week and I had told him I would help him out with the cost of the property taxes....so then I talked to him that night and he was saying how he got my message about helping him and how he really appreciated it.   Message?!...I talked to the man.   This worries me.   I hate to point all this stuff out to him, but maybe it wouldn't matter.....it might go right in one ear and out the other like when we discuss the car.   My husband will take him back home on Monday.  I was thinking about how just last year my Dad was out front mowing my grass....well, that isn't going to happen this time.   I already mowed it on Tuesday, but it has also been extremely hot here and no way would I have him out in that sun....also he has someone come do his lawn now so he knows it isn't something he can handle.  

How is your Dad doing, Susan?   Hope you are enjoying Hawaii, Kathy?    Marybe

I am back from a few restful days of "running away from home." Travelling between MA and NH weekly has just been exhausting. Sister No 3 is not happy about providing high protein-low carb meals for my Mother at all. "Three meals a day? Who prepares three meals a day?" Well, most of the world! She slips into serving plates of pasta far too often. So, I now bring food to prepare while I am in residence, plus enough protein leftovers for another three days. I leave the leftovers in the fridge. Imagine my surprise that she didn't use them the first time. "Oh, I don't know what to do with this stuff and make it into a meal." Really? You don't know how to prepare a cucumber or piece of poached chicken? So, I now write out instructions on how to use EVERYTHING that I have prepared. Last time, when I returned home, I stopped at the market and got a bag of lemons since I only had two left in the fridge. When I got home, I opened the citrus drawer and it was filled with lemons. I was filling the wrong house's fridge with lemons! I am clearly a bit overstretched!

My father is on an emotional rollercoaster. Some days he is calm and fine. Some days he is paranoid and sure that the other residents are stealing his things. And other days, he is sure he needs to pack. Sister No 2 and I were able to help create a care plan for him, so his days now have real structure. This has helped his sleep patterns. Sister No 2 continues to do most of the visiting. A number of family friends are also making a point of going to spend some time with him on the terrace.

If my Mother's leg is healing, we are almost half way through this caretaking. We won't know how it is healing until week 8 when she will get a new x-ray.

Marybe, I hope your father's visit goes well. Will look for your reports.

Kathy, first class???? Oh I want to fly first class ONCE in my lifetime. But you surely deserve it. What a project you are undertaking.

*susan* 

Had a good weekend with my Dad.   My husband is taking him back home now.  We went out to eat both Friday and Sat. night and Sat he ran errands with me.  Yesterday he and I went to a  German festival at a park not far from here and had our fill of German food....husband passed on going with.  Usually when my father comes to visit, it is just he and I doing things since he has more stamina than my husband.   As he was leaving this morning and out on the front porch, I looked down because he was dragging something and I said "There's a Depend stuck to your shoe, Daddy".   No embarrassment on his part or anything, just said" OMG, it fell out.  I couldn't get that sticky stuff off of it.  Just throw it away." 

Oh, Joy!   

Hi Robin, Sorry you also have a reason to be here, but glad you joined us, as this is a very caring group of gals. We do learn from each other, and also can vent here, which helps a lot!

Well girls, I got home today. Of course I never sleep, even on the 9 hr flt with seats that almost went flat...I think everyone else slept! So I am feeling zombie like right now, even though I did sleep a bit this afternoon. Had a BAD experience with my mom at the big party for my dad on Saturday night. We had an easy day, as the fishing club guys set up the tents, tables, chairs, cooked the crab legs, and ribeyes, etc. My dad just had to pay for the food and keg of beer and the wine. BUT at the beginning, around 6pm, my mom suddenly changed. It might have been when she started her 2nd drink. People were coming up to me that I didn't know, asking my name. Seems like my mom told them I was my sister (who has been mean to them and never helped them with anything). I thought she must just be tired, so I went up to her while she was with some people and just asked her who I was . She said "You're (blank)". I said, "I'm Kathy". And she looked at me like her eyes were blank but said in a mean way "Why are you saying you're Kathy,when your'e (blank)". And she shook her head at me saying "noooooo". Brought my dad over, but she didn't believe him and said I told him what to say. Well, from then on girls, I was a mess of tears. I kept my distance from her, but would see her looking at me and talking to my dad. He said she would ask him who he was talking to (when it was me). After a couple of hrs she finally realized she didn't recognize me and told him "I must be losing my mind; I don't recognize our own daughter". Well, after that (when the party was almost over), she knew who I was, and I felt so much better. BUT everytime someone arrived I knew, I had to tell them, and I was crying, and got big hugs. My cousin (we had not met before) came to the party as he was in HI from CA as he had a book signing for a history book he wrote on the ukulele (our great-great-granpa invented it), so when he arrived, I had big tears as I greeted him. I thought she would never know me again, so I was totally devastated. We have always been so close, and we talked about this very thing last year, and I told her that it would be the worst thing in the world if someday she didn't know who I was. I took her to her dr for blood work Monday, then went back the day I left (yesterday) and told him what happened to her (in front of her), and he said to not have drinks anymore (she has always had 2/nite, like my 95 yo dad). Said maybe they are messing with her meds, or just messing with her mind. SO she was ok with that...I hope she remembers not to drink, though, as they always have happy hour. Her results were fine, and EKG was fine, but her dr said we should have gone to ER or a clinic when that happened, as her b/p may have been very high or very low. DID NOT even think of that, as I was so upset thinking it was a normal, unfortunate occurance, and it would be that way from now on. Anyway, the move has been hard on them, esp my mom. We would spend hours going thru her clothes, deciding what to keep for her last wk in HI, what she needs for the cruise in a month, and what to put in her dresser for the movers to take, that she might not need for 2 mon. THEN the next morn, she would take it all out, and it would be all over her bed and in suitcases, so we had to do the whole process again. She also would go thru the piles of stuff we were giving away, and start putting those in the "keep" piles, etc. I worked almost every day for those 3 wks! Only got to swim ( a blk away) 2 times. The last time, the honu (hawaiian sea turtles) were swimming with me, by the shore. That was awesome, but I had to watch them so I could move away as you are not supposed to get close to them (endangered protected species). ANYWAY, thanks for letting me vent, I knew the time would come when I would be facing all of this. ALSO, they arrive here on Tues, so I have lots to do to get their house ready, etc. OH, and my dad kept thanking me, which is rare for him to do, as he knew they could not have done this without my help. I know that too, as it was a daunting task, and kept me busy almost every minute. Don't know where the 4600 lbs of stuff the movers packed will go, as they have an almost furnished home here (with their things). OH YEAH, we also had a scare earlier as the first movers got the  dates wrong, and it would have happened after I left HI, which would not work at all. Then the next movers did not confirm the nite before like they said they would, so I was worried THEY would not show up on Tues! I would not have been able to leave if that happened, as my parents would have ended up shipping the wrong things.

Susan, When are the 8 wks up for your moms healing, so you can see if all is well? Glad your dad has some good days now, but I know the bad days are heartbreaking. At least 1 sister is a big help, too bad the other one does not want to give your mom good meals. You are doing so much, it is not a surprise about the lemons! Well, when live hands you lemons...lol....just kidding. Glad you find humor in things, as it is so difficult having to help our parents, and dealing with what they are going through.

Oh Marybe, you gave me a chuckle! Glad it didn't embarass your dad! Several yrs ago when I was activity director at a nursing home, we took the assisted living pts downstairs to an event. One gal noticed one of the men had his underwear hanging out of the bottom of his pants, and she just laughed and wouldn't go and take care of it. So we did it as unobviously as we could. Poor guy, he couldn't help it. I am glad your dad had a good weekend with you!

BIG HUGS to you all,

Kathy (NOT the mean sister!!! LOL)

Thanks, Susan! Yes, the bad sister not only was not there to help, BUT left HI a few days after they listed their house (it sold the first day), and not only did NOTHING, but left them things to do for HER. She left her car there, in their yard, for them to sell. CRAZY! She only wants things done for her, so it did really hurt to be mistaken for her. I am still having jet lag and very worn out, although I did sleep a bit yesterday. Yes, its especially hard for my dad to be moving, as my mom has lived on the mainland, on and off, over the years. He has not lived anywhere else, for 95 years! And to have to now say he lives in Alabama, well.....that will prolly be hard for him. They still have a beach condo, so I know he will want to go back when he can, plus a friend offered up their beach cottage on their beachfront property (behind their house), near where my dad's house was (that just sold). I guess we prolly will go to HI when they go, as we wouldn't be able to leave them here, to travel.

Susan, yeah, I do hope your mom can regain mobility after the 8 wks. WOW your daughter sure made an amazing meal....can she come here to cook for me? Just kidding....how sweet of her do to that, and to have your mom keep talking about it. Nice break for you too!

Hugs to all of you,

Kathy

Oh Cindy,

I am so sorry for what you and your mom are going through. And no, I don't think you were a fool at all, to not worry about her finances. You had your hands full, with your dx and tx, and your mom's care. You have done a LOT. You mentioned selling your homes and moving in together....did you buy a home together, or are you renting, or is the home just in your name? I just want to make sure your home, and your finances are safe. Is there a senior center there that you might be able to call, and find resources, such as an atty who is reasonable, or some elder care advice? I think it might be smart, if you have time, to see what can be done about her debt and if it can somehow be erased, since she has exhausted her savings. ALSO, I surely hope that she will now qualify for home care through those state programs you mentioned, since all of this has happened.

You have a good signature... "Stay calm, have courage and watch for signs." I know that is so hard to do, but there is much wisdom in that. You are very smart to come here and vent, as several of us are going through trying times with our parents, and surely understand. There may be someone that will chime in with some helpful advice, too! Remember we are here for you, whether for advice, or just as a place to vent and let off steam.

Big Hugs for you, Cyndy.... (((((CYNDY))))), and please keep posting here, and let us know how you are doing.

Hugsssss,

Kathy

Cindy - I am so sorry to hear about your mom. These days, 74 sounds so young to me!!!

I agree about finding a good attorney to sort out this financial situation. You might start by finding an Elder Law Attorney, who specializes in these cases.

If your mom truly has gone through all her savings, she may well qualify for assistance.

I know the heartbreak of watching a loved one with a progressive disease. My mom passed in 2009 of end-stage Parkinsons.

The day she was diagnosed, I started to do my research. I knew the end would not be pretty. I had her house put in my name, and got her Power of Attorney for both medical and financial decisions. I started the paperwork for MedicAid. She didn't qualify at first, but later on, when we'd gone through all her savings to pay for her care, it did.

I know how frustrating this must be for you. You definitely need an advocate. Is there an Area Agency on Aging in your area? They often have good referrals.

Sending you hugs and good wishes in finding solutions....

Hi Blessings,

I was posting at the same time as you were, and so did not see your post. I am so sorry you lost your mom, but how smart you were to get things prepared ahead of time. And you had some good advice for Cindy! It is so great how all the girls here help each other out. I am thankful for all of you.

Hugssss,

Kathy

Hi All,

I have been remiss. This thread popped up and I realized that I had left you all hanging. For me, this summer didn't end well. My Mother was angry that I couldn't bend to her every need and wish. She and my sister no 3 joined forces, as they have in the past, and decided to block sister no 2 and me out. Sister no 3 has moved home. My mother is walking and driving once again. My father is for the time being, staying in his nursing home. He is not on a memory floor and the staff find it almost impossible to control him. He can't remember where his room is. He wanders around taking things from other people's rooms and leaving his stuff in its place. Sister no 2 is still visiting him regularly; once or twice a week. I have not been back up. You know, perhaps all families are a bit dysfunctional, but we each do it differently!

Today is my PET scan to see if treatments are working. My business is quite busy right now. I am working hard to regularly see friends [so easy to hole up in the house.] Once again, we are reorganizing the kitchen and work spaces now that the kid has moved out.

So that is my life in a nutshell.

*susan*

p.s. Wahine, what is up with your father? Must be so frustrating to have the Jeckel/Hyde thing, especially on a vacation. 

I haven't posted here (or anywhere really here at bco in a long time...too hard to explain why)...Cindy....I forget what the income requirementss are for medicaid, but now that your mother has acrued so much debt, she might just qualify.  Contact the council on aging in your area.  An attorney can do the paperwork for medicaid, but they will charge several thousand dollars....my parents were quoted $15K (I think)....I know it was quite hefty...fortunately, my parents were able to get it done for a minimal to no cost where my dad goes to adult day care.  You are allowed to own a home and a vehicle....my dad's retirement is quite low...my mom gets here retirement....they are waiting to find out if dad was approved for medicaid...they really need it so mom can get the help for dad in the house when he is not at adult day care...also help with cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping etc....mom is hoping to get 15 hours/week help...direct help for dad and help in the home.....Mom was doing great till recently, but she now has trouble walking and with her balance....they are young, 78 and 82 but mom has been a caretaker for dad for going on 6 years and it has taken its toll!!!  I try to go see my parents every couple months...due to go back next month....Dad has limited mobility, mild to moderate dimentia and is incontinent....I've told mom when they can no longer live in their apt, they are moving near me!!!   It is very hard seeing my parents age....and I'm still raising kids...I had my kids later in life!!! 

Oh Karen, HOPE your mom will agree to move near you, as that does sound like the best scenario. I know she does not want to place your dad in a home, but it sounds like it would be the best option. Glad you will be there next month!!!

How is everyone else doing? My DH and I are going to FL tomorrow for a week on the beach, and it will be a much needed rest. Finally got my mom's dr in HI to call in  a script refill, since they STILL have not sent her med records to the new dr we hope to get an appt with. Weird that the new dr will not even let us make an appt for a visit till they get all the records from HI. THEN we can call in for an appt, and who knows when that might be for? IT took several calls to HI and to the pharmacist here, till we finally got her meds refilled. Yay for that!

Hugs to you ALL,

Kathy

Althea,

I am really sorry to hear about your brother. Sometimes life slaps you from an unexpected direction. Though I know your first impulse will be to take care of your mother during this hard time, make some time for you as well.

Be well,

*susan* 

Oh Althea, My heart goes out to you too, as well as your mom and the rest of your family. That is SO sad, just heartbreaking. What a shock. I lost my late DH of a heart attack too, and he was just 41. My only thought that is anything positive, is that it was probably quick for him. It is all of you that are grieving, and are in such pain. Your brother should have had many,many, more years of living, that is just too young. You poor dear, I really feel so sad for you. I am glad you were able to let us know. Many prayers and thoughts going out for you and your family. Again, I am so sorry. Wish I could do something to help. Please come back here and let us know how you and your mom are doing. (((((Althea)))))

Sadness and Hugs,

Kathy