2012 sisters

I wanted to post this quick little blurb for those of us with small children because it made me feel a little better yesterday.  We had an appt with our youngest son's social worker yesterday (he is adopted and annual reports must be sent to his native country) and unknown to us for years, our social worker had been a counselor for cancer patients/survivors as part of her intern work.  She emphasized to me yesterday that what I'm going through right now is just a blip in our childrens' lives and when it's all done, they're not going to remember it.  They remember it as maybe the time when Mommy slept alot or we didn't go anywhere on vacation or in some form like that.  She never mentioned to me that they're resilient, but that at their age (6 and 4) they are not continually focused on Mommy being sick so any emotional toll that I think I'm having on them continuously throughout the day is not really in their reality right now. 

It felt so good to have someone sitting down with my DH and I who has experience and training in two areas of concern for our family right now.  She asked such really good questions of each of us to get us talking about how we were handling my diagnosis and put in perspective what is important.  First that it really is about me right now and I shouldn't feel guilty about it.  Second when I voiced concern about how I felt that I was failing as a wife and Mom and the sacrifices everyone was making because of financial costs and emotional tolls of my diagnosis, she told me that most importantly right now is that my husband needs his wife and the boys need their Mom and if we ended up living in a small home, apt, tent, whatever or the kids had to go to the worst ranking school, it wouldn't matter because what really mattered was that I was around.  She also asked would I have the same guilt about finances if it had been one of our children diagnosed with cancer.  Of course I said no, so she asked why I was feeling guilty because it was me.  I'm worth everything that is having to be spent right now, I'm worth everything that we are having to go through right now and I am worth everything that may come at me in the future.  My DH was just looking at me with these loving eyes the entire time.  Almost lost it in front of her, and she said if I have to cry, go ahead and also, not to be afraid to tell people who are trying to turn my diagnosis into their own therapy session right now that this diagnosis is about me, my DH and our boys and if they need consoling, they need to find their own network of friends or family to help them through it.  Wow, yeah I can see myself telling my mother-in-law that.  Not!  LOL.  

Anyway, I know I babbled a little, but I really wish that everyone could have a similar sit down with someone trained to listen and ask questions and get things out that are bottled up inside.   This should be a standard with any health insurance policy in my opinion.

Juneau  - sorry you are having a crappy day - not good.  Its hard to get used to short hair when its been long.   Happy you have a wonderful DH to comfort you. ((((hugs))))

Oh JUNEAU so sorry you are having such a bad day; the whole thing sucks but like Tazzy said thank goodness you have a great DH  to help you through this and hold you. But in regards to your DH-just a word of caution-you know how easy it is to burst over ripe fruit so tell him to be extra careful how/where he holds you! You don't need a burst cantalope adding to your bad day. (sorry I couldn't resist) In regards to the bp and blood draws my drs and hospital lab won't use anyones arm if they have had any nodes removed from it. In fact I had my nodes removed before my dmx so they had a big sign up in my hospital room, in addition to making me wear a wrist bracelet to alert the staff-it made me feel like I had the plague or something. When my son came in to see me "he was like what's that about mom!?!" Think it scared him.   I asked what they do if someone had nodes removed under both arms and they said they have a couple patients that have had nodes removed under both and they actually use their ankles instead. So I guess on a positive note, we still have one arm to use.  It would really suck having to hoist a leg up to draw blood or do bp.

Juneau, the baditude helps too, rant away! Sorry you dont like the short hair...is it really that bad??  Hope you can adjust before long, sorry your day turned on you.

Ughhhhh.... The results from the MRI showed an additional spot on the left side and a new spot on the right side so they had me go in today for another set of ultrasound guided biopsies on both sides only to find out that I have to go back tomorrow for MRI guided biopsies. I am hoping it's good that they couldn't find the area by ultrasound????

thanks all for the support today. I did finally hear back from the onocologists office. They agreed I was right to be concerned (ah - validation!) and are going to hatch a plan and get back to me tomorrow. But looks like vaccine needs to be done and chemo needs to start on time. Which will likely put me living with my mother-in-law for a bit. Makes me want to cry. Not because I don't love my mother-in-law - I do, she is truly wonderful - but I hate the idea of leaving my boys for that long and leaving all the work to my hubby. Not sure why I can't just let this be about me and focus on me, and give up on being supermom for a bit. Guess I'm gonna have to learn.

Teeballmom - your wise words were inspiring (and I sent you a longer response in the july 2012 chemo thread).

juneaubugg - major hugs coming your way. this whole thing sucks. but we can do it - we really can!

tazzy - go get 'em tomorrow! Will be thinking of you

To everyone else who I'm sure I have responses I'd like to note - sending you hugs and well wishes, as I'm too tired and cranky to formulate any additional thoughts. Treating myself to a xanax tonight so I can shut off my mind and try to rest.

TAZZY our thoughts and prayers are with you for an easy surgery and recovery. Touch base when you're home! Lots of hugs to you!

ramols- I hope you get some answers soon about your vaccine.

juneau- Feeling relieved is a good feeling in the midst of all of this.  Even if it only lasts for a day or just a few hours its nice to have positive thoughts.  Today I was overcome with a feeling that this is all going to work out and I am going to come out of this with my head above the water.  I hang on to those positive feelings, even when I'm feeling discouraged.  Thanks for sending hugs my way.

lostinmo--I'm thinking that dealing with teens is difficult.  I try to keep their schedules as normal as possible and focus on them but its difficult.  I am relieved that they aren't as needy in their day to day activities.  They can do things for themselves when I'm not feeling up to doing them.  Both of my boys' grades slipped in school after my diagnosis.  I tried my hardest to keep their schedules consistent but as hard as I tried I couldn't seem to protect them from letting my problems affect them.  It really sucks and its so unfair that they have to deal with this!!!

tazzy- we are planning a camping trip next weekend. It is the first time we've been camping since last fall!!! I am so afraid that the issues I've been having with my wound healing are going to get in the way of this trip. I am really looking forward to it. Hope you had a great time.

I'm so glad I found you girls. I apologize if I missed you today; still learning names and trying to keep track of everyone's different situations! Good night! Planning to do a little bit of school shopping with my boys tomorrow.

Tazzy, I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Hugs! Heal well.

Hmm, my MO said chemo should start within...I can't remember but I was 8 weeks and it was within his guidelines ( some delay due to waiting for Onctotype results.) might have been 10 weeks. Well, as my survivor sister says, a lot of it is voodoo!

As for lymphadema, I am paranoid totally. I had the bracelet that said no blood on the right side but since i had complications and 2 emergency surgeries within 2 weeks of the mastectomy, they ran out of veins and my surgeon put in an order allowing them to use the bad side. Some nurses would not do it even with the order. Some did. I had phlebotomists come in and doctors. One doc looked at my legs and neck. I was crying my eyes out about the neck but he couldn't find anything anyway hence, having an IV in the affected arm. Now, 2 months after surgery, my scar has opened up and I have to wash it, put bacetracin in then gauze then have DH bandage me, twice a day. My chest is swollen and I freak because I don't know what it is, the surgeries or lymphadema?? Ugggghh, this is the illness that just keeps on giving I guess.

Thoughts and prayers and healing vibes go out to you Tazzy.... Juneau, we all have our shitty days and I agree with you totally when you say FUCK CANCER.... Hugs and positive energy to all of you with minor kids... I can only imagine how difficult explanations are (mine are 39 and 40 and even at that age, there's a lot of anxiety)....

And insurance companies...... they TRULY suck. MO said I don't need chemo (thankfully), no rads, but yes to Femara.... OK, so she electronically sent the script 2 weeks ago because I'm forced to go mail order but of course, I got the big run around and still don't have the meds though she said yesterday they are "in the mail" (along with that check that's in the mail lol)....

Tazzy - thinking of you tomorrow



Juneau and Tpolychron - I have my port inserted tomorrow, I'll let you know how things go, mine is also because of the 27 lymph nodes they removed from my right arm and length of time receiving treatments IV - about one year (Herceptin)



Ramols - hope you are sleeping well tonight after the Xanax



Lisa2012 - I think the parameters around when they like to get started with chemo post surgery are probably different depending on factors like positive lymph nodes, stage etc.



Liefie - sorry you are struggling with your emotions, so many other things out of our control and now one more



Tina Jason - sending positive healing vibes, hope the camping trip is a great one



Dakota2012 - sorry to hear about the MRI and all those biopsies, I'll be thinking about you tomorrow



Going to try to sleep now, MUGA scan went fine but I have a note for when I go to US un case the radioactivity can still be picked up, something I would never have thought of! Not looking forward to port insertion tomorrow, need to make myself look at all the benefits of having it instead of concentrating on negative aspects.



Goodnight everyone

Tazzy~

Good luck..thoughts and prayers

Ramols~

Hope u got a great night sleep

Dakota212 Best wishes on the MRI biopsy. It was interesting to me that they could work on me under such confining circumstances. Just remember when they say don't move, don't move like I did. lol    Aw how old is the little guy?