2012 sisters

Nkb

Digital- thanks fornyour thiughts. have a good day, hope you have an uplifting exchange with someone at work.

Anonymous

Thanks all for the hugs - I feel them.

juneaubugg - sending you giant hugs right back, along with some positive vibes. Hope you can get your gastro issues under control so you can start chemo and get your show moving.

jpmom and other chemo/rads survivors with little kids - wondering if you have any info about if/how your interaction with your kids was affected while you were undergoing treatment. I meet with the oncologist on 8/17 and assume i'll be starting chemo shortly after, and will ask all my questions at the meeting. But wondering about your experiences. I'm thinking about how I had to stay away from my kids for 24 hours after my PET scan, and am wondering if chemo and/or rads require similar distances from young developing kids. I've even heard things like not letting them use whatever bathroom you are using for a period of time? And what about when they get sick - did you have to stay away from them, or wear masks? Sigh... Thanks!

Tazzy

Just want to check in and say hi to everyone.   Went camping with friends for the weekend - great distraction from BC and upcoming surgery this Thursday - now home and distractions aren't working.

Want to apologise in advance for not being able to respond at this time to you all... my concentration is shot to shit, I have a headache and want to crawl under my bed and hide from this nasty monster we call BC.  But instead will pull up my big girl panties and get on with life.

I will go and read all your posts later on today when I am in a better headspace - I need to do that cos it makes me feel close to you all. 

Hi to the newbies... you will find so much wonderful wisdom from these ladies.   Its our safe haven.

For now, I am going to tend to my garden as some animal must've knocked off one of my planter boxes from the fence - what a mess.  Then I am going to get ready and go out for a long walk to try and find my happy place.

Sending you all hugs, and positive sunshine thoughts.

Ellendou

Tazzy - sending Hugs and hope you can find your Happy Place....thinking about you.

Dakota212

Tazzy~

Good luck finding ur happy place and on thursday. BTW... Love this...

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Hugs

2FriedEggs

TAZZY Glad you were able to go camping and get away from all this and that you are safely back . Just think though, surgery is Thursday and takes you one big step closer to getting this BC bullcrap overwith. That sucks that the animals knocked off one of your planters. I'm glad I don't live closer or you might blame me for it since I'm so jealous of your beautiful garden and your green thumb! Ofcourse I could always blame it on these dang Ostrich eggs of mine; they are so hard and immobile that they could knock over anything that gets in their way and I would never even feel it happening. Hope you feel better.

Dang some of you are going through so much, especially those with little ones. It's all really heartbreaking and I'm so sorry you have to go through so much. There will be light at the end of the lousy bc tunnel but it seems like forever to get there. Ramols the fact you had to stay away from the kids for 24 hours after the pet scan really got me. Is that because of radiation?

  Sorry you newcomers have to be here but the great group here will keep you going.

Anonymous

2friedeggs - yep; I was literally radioactive when I left there. My levels were safe for a grown adult, but not for developing young bodies, or pregant women busy growing developing young bodies. So they say after 24 hours it has decreased enough that you are safe. My Dad - who is in this radiation business - said they were being super duper extra safe by giving me those instructions. And the folks there did tell me that they were not required by law to provide me with those guidelines - it's just what they do. But who am i to buck their advice and risk the brains/bodies of my little guys... But like you said - this road will eventually come to an end.

tazzy - rest up and relax as much as you can before surgery. Remember - if you got through chemo, you can get through some cutting and sewing!

Nkb

Tazzy- good luck, wishing you a safe and comfortable recovery

teeballmom

Ramols:  This is what my husband and I explained to our 6 and 4 year old about when Mommy has her treatments just as a precaution for them.  (I just had my 2nd AC last week).  The boys are not allowed to use Mommy and Daddy's toilet for any reason until we say it is o.k.  This was hard for them because for some reason they like our bathroom - no idea why.  Mommy can have quick hugs but only air kisses for many days.  This is the most difficult but they are adjusting and I get air kisses thrown at me all day long.  We try to make it a game for them.  For the first couple of days after a treatment, Mommy sleeps by herself and Daddy and the boys camp out in the loft on a futon.  I wanted it this way because if for some reason I have to throw up, I do not want them near me at all.  No drinking from Mommy's cups, no eating from Mommy's dishes, and things like that.  The only one that the nurses advised me about was the boys using our toilet, but I'm scared to death about them coming into any contact with the AC that I am probably going overboard, but my husband and I feel better about it.

I'm feeling down emotionally today (and I know this will pass, but I think I'm just over tired from going overboard these last few weeks getting everything ready for the new school year).  Like so many I think about last year and how great I felt (even though the cancer was growing inside me) and I'm smiling in all of these photos (and I had hair).  I watch the tourists in our area and each time I see a family enjoying themselves at the McDonald's or In-N-Out Burger down the street, I just envy them and wish my family could go back to a time when we did things like that without a care in the world.   The boys start school in a few weeks and it'll be so hard to see the young moms bringing their children to school and knowing that I used to be that "normal" mom who didn't have to go off to the ONC office for a treatment while her little ones were in class.  I used to be this happy go lucky Mom and I hate that this BC is always on my mind and that I'm letting it "take over" my life.  I used to dream of growing old with my husband and watching our boys grow up.  Now I find I don't dream about those things much because I'm so scared it won't happen.  

Sorry for the pity party today.  I feel like a wimp.

Soyaandpepper

juneaubugg-Great to hear that you have a game plan and treating your cancer with chemo and also your Crohns, hope that you will get through chemo with as little SEs as possible. I haven't been on for a few days cause I was using it to calm myself and finally make a decision on my treatment. I've finally make my decision, I'm going to do tamoxifen and herceptin without chemo. I've thought long and hard about my treatment options and both my doctors (MO and BS) are supporting me in this decision. I've come to peace with it and know that in my heart its the right one for me. I've been struggling with it for a while and reading many women's experiences on here about their doc recommend chemo as a standard of care for certain stage cancer and so on, I've doubted my wanting to do herceptin without chemo and took a long time with that. I thought to myself, "Am I doing everything? Am I cheating myself out of the best possible treatment? And everytime I think about doing chemo, I cannot accept it to be the treatment for me. Its like my body is telling me that chemo isn't for me, I feel it in my guts! So I went with my guts! The road to doing treatment is such a personal one and I don't want people reading this to think that I oppose chemo as a whole, don't get me wrong, if I had node involvements and and my tumor was a different size and I would jump on the chemo train in a heartbeat. Its the in between GRAY area that makes it hard for me. 

To all the newbies - Sorry that you're here but you will find support here with all these wonderful ladies.

Tazzy-Good luck on your surgery on Thurs, will be thinking about you and saying a pray for you. Hoping that we will see you soon on the other side. Let us know how things go. 

Nkb

Tee all- I'm so sorry this is happening to you so young and with such young kids! It sucks. It sounds like you are being super careful, but, that is what Mom's do. Air kisses sound so cute and full of in the moment love. It is true that you will have bad days and they go away and you will have good days and they go away also. I hope that the good outweigh the bad.



I think cancer makes me feels invalidated and like the rest of the world deserves to be happy and carefree-'but, apparently not me, I have to go through this crummy s***. But, when I tell my DH this, he says that is silly, cancer is mostly random, I don't deserve it anymore than anyone else.

I will say that no matter how bad or tired I felt during A/C going outside and taking a walk really helped me. Take water and a bar tho-

Here's to a happier day soon!

chrissera

I am sending HUGS and prayers to those who have to deal with this BC crap with small children.  I am having a hard enough time dealing with my two teenage girls, and cannot imagine the challenges you have to endure.

Good luck to those starting chemo and those having surgery this week. You are all in my prayers each day.

I am trying to get rid of the dark depressing thoughts that kept me awake all night.  I took my daughter shopping and did a little retail therapy for her.  Made her feel good as I have not been able to spend much quality time one on one with the girls, like we used to.  

At the mall I overheard a woman with a young boy - the boy asked her why I had on a hat inside.  She replied don't stare, she is sick.  I just walked away.  I felt like telling her I AM NOT SICK, I am being attacked by this thing inside me, and the medicine makes me sick!   Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I never found out about the Cancer.  Would I be wasting my summer feeling sick and tired all the time or would I be spendng my days on the beach and taking a vacation?  I really wish it would just hurry up and be finished so I can get back to my life.  I feel like someone else is living my life and I want it back.  I tell my husband my feelings and he tries to make it better, but everything he says is not the right thing.  He has no idea what it feels like.  His way to deal is to make jokes and lately I am just not in the mood for them.  After my yelling fit last week about how he doesn't help around the house, nothing has changed.  He is still doing nothing and doesn't understand why I am angry at him.  I yelled at him again last night for not doing something I asked him to do three days ago, and have not spoken to him since.  And I don't want to speak to him unless I have to.    I want my life back when we were happy and everything was normal.........  

Sorry for the rant.  I guess the retail therapy didn't work as well as I thought...  but telling you ladies is the best way I have to get it out.  no one else understands!

HUGS to all! 

Moonflwr912

I hope everyone is feeling better this morning! No fun to be feeling bad, worse when its the kids. Fingers crossed no one else gets sick.

Moonflwr912

Tball, you are being extra careful, and no one can blame you. I was told to flush twice the first couple days after tx. No other warnings, but I don't have little ones at home.

jpmomof3

Teeball, dont feel bad about throwing a pity party for yourself, I am there with you. you are no wimp.  I hate how this has affected my thoughts and my life.  I still go right to BC when I wake up at night.  It isnt quite as bad as it used to be but it isnt fading much.  I hope that will change once I am done with treatments.  But having this happen to us can bring about some good changes in our thoughts.  I dont know how long i will live, though honestly we never did.  Once I am done with treatments I am going to enjoy myslef in the moment a lot more than I used to.  I would always be putting stuff off for need of work and family etc.  I am going to enjoy my time with my family as much as I can for as long as I can.  Hopefully I will live to 80 but if I dont I am going to be sure that I lived the most I could for the time I had.  I am not sweating the small stuff too as much.  

I too resent the happy unaffected sometimes.  The young moms with their children who dont look like they have ever had a bad day.  I see these young girls with perfect boobs and long hair and beautiful skin and want to trip them as the pass me on the greenway path while I am poking along holding my sore boob.  But I also take heart in knowing that I will heal and am even more motivated to  to start running and before long blow by them on the path someday.  We are strong.

Ramols, they never gave me those instructions after the pet scan.  i did drink a lot of fluids and double flushed for a while.  same for the day or two after chemo, and even that is probably over cautious.  You dont have to avoid your kids after chemo.  I did avoid them like the plague for the first few days of their illnesses.  And for a couple of weeks I was extra cautious and wouldnt let my face get in a position where they could sneeze or cough on me.  They got sick a lot while I was on chemo since the older 2 were in school.  Somehow I managed not to even get sick once while on chemo.  I work in a medical clinic too so that was even more of a miracle.  I too did not eat after them or share my cups utensils etc.  I kissed their heads instead of their cheeks.  The thing that is bothering me the most now is I can't pick up my 3 year old.  He doesnt understand.  I hope your little guy is feeling better.  Its always mommy that they go to when they are sick.  My middle child got sick with a stomach bug while I was on chemo.  I had to tie a towel around my face to deal with the mess she made and i showered a long time afterward in hopes that it didnt get me too.  And thanks for the inspiration.  My grandmother had a radical mastectomy when she was 47 and just dies last year at the age of 92.  Breast cancer never bothered her again.  I hope to be like her.

 TAzzy have fun gardening.  Its so good to get outside and stay occupied.  I hope it helped your mood!  Surgery is not going to be as bad as you think, its just hard to know that until you are on the other side.  At least it will be here soon.  Stay busy and try not to worry!  

 I want to kick my co-workers in the ass when they talk about their vacations.  One wanted to show me photos.  I havent had a vacation since this started.  One person at work even commented on this time i have taken off for surgery and called it vacation.  it is not vacation.  I am not at work but recovering from surgery is not vacation.  One guy even got grumpy when his vacation request got turned down because it was during the time that I am out for my surgery.  Too f'ing bad, wah wah.  We are going to go all out next spring for a vacation.  I am dreaming about it.  A real vacation.  NOt a painful swollen sleepless constipated irritated psot surgical away from work-ation.  

Juneau, good luck with your plans for chemo and crohns control.  And More power to you ladies with MS and this to deal with.  Healing thoughts to all of you.

DigitalCowgirl, hope work wasnt too bad.  at least its a distraction and is good to be out doing something normal.  Hope it gives you some energy and doesnt tire you out as much as expected.

I had my post op appointment with my BS.  I am going to have another mammogram next week and get the next surgery scheduled asap.  The thought of having a mammogram now is rather nauseating but since the breast is somewhat numb anyway it might not be as bad as i expect.  My case will be at tumor board on wednesday and i see my MO on friday.  Just keeping my fingers crossed that they wont recommend more chemo.  I think i dont want that, maybe I do? if it will help... i dunno.

I went for a 2.5 mile walk today.  I am slow but it feels good to be out.  Wish I could run but I will have to hold off on that for a while. 

jpmomof3

oh, and wlecome Britishlass, wish you werent in this boat with us but I hope you find some comfort here as I do.

Chrissera, sorry to hear about your frustrations with your DH.  They seem to go right back to their usual patterns sometimes dont they?  I guess in a way it is a compliment, they dont see that you are all that affected... More power to you and I hope that you guys start talking again soon.  I wanted to throw mine out when he actually said to me one time that he was just as tired as I was... bull fucking shit!  I wanted to yell back if YOU are as tired as I am then there is something seriously wrong with YOU.  GO GET CHECKED OUT!  There is no way a healthy 42 year old male taht has never been sick has any idea how tired I am while I am in the middle of chemo and has a deadly diagnosis hanging over my head. They really have no idea sometimes.  I know he loves me though and I know that it is hard on him too.  Thank goodness we have some sane people here to help the insanity of this whole situation. 

chrissera

Thanks jpmom.  I do love my husband, just celebrated 20 years of marriage just before my diagnosis.  I hate to vent to those here who have so much gonig on and so many things to worry about. But he often says he is tired or has a headache or so other complaint.  He is and always has been a big baby when he doesn't feel well.  I have told him that he doesn't know what feeling bad is...  I know he loves me and would take the chemo for me if it was possible, but I really wish he would just figure out all I need from him is to be taken care of !

 Well, that's it for today.  Going to go for  walk to clear my head and figure out what t make for dinner.

Thanks all for listening!

jpmomof3

Most men are big babies when they are sick, mine too! They all need their mommies/wives, what would they do without us?

Dakota212

Jpmomof3, tazzy~

U. Girls r an inspiration. I don't wish the diagnosis or treatment on anyone but this website and u girls have made it easier. I have no idea what I have yet to come but I know that this website will help. Positive thoughts and lots of prayers for all. Hang in there. It's has to get better. 😊😊😊

Tazzy

Ok - feeling in a bit of a better place after a nice long, slow walk - still scared and nervous... but like everything with bc the waiting is the worse eh?  Nothing like a pity party is there?

Hi to all the new ladies.. this site is truly wonderful. Really sorry you and all of us have to be here.

I have just spent the past hour reading all the posts (chatty lot aren't you?) and there is no way I could even begin to respond to you all (phew thank goodness I hear you say).

To all starting chemo, really it is doable, just listen to what your body says and obey. The wisdom and advice you have received from everyone here is the best you will get.

To all of you recovering - thank you again for sharing and being so open.

To those of you who got crap news from scans - so sorry but we are here for you if that makes it any easier.

Men and illnesses - oh! dear me. Next time one of our DH's whines about a headache or some such trivial ailment... point to your boobies and say "bigger owies"... that may shut them up.

I know I am going to sound sentimental and soppy - but that's how I'm feeling - so sod it. I want to say again to you all - I hate that we are here... but so very grateful for you all. I know none of you personally, but feel that I have a bond with you all like no other. You have pulled me from a really crappy place today with all your stories of happiness, good news, bad news, rants, tears and laughter. There aren't enough thank yous, but thank you.

I wish you all a restful evening with sleep and love and laughter.

We will all come out of this the other side and live to be cranky old women of 90.

Love and hugs
xxxxxx

teeballmom

Tazzy:  Love and hugs to you, too!

juneaubugg

Soya... Next fill tomorrow. My right tit is now a leagal weapon!!! Holy ROCK!!! So I FEELYOU on that one.



DigitalCowgirl... Glad you identify with me. Thats what this site is all about.



Tazzy... Glad you had a nice weekend; I missed your humor and these days life seems to be ALL ABOUT ME! Also if trade you. I'll get another surgery for you if you do my chemo???? I have moved it to August 10th so I can get my Crohns under control with complete MO agreement.



I'm SO SCARED! Scared of being sick, and so frightened of the outside world being able to SEE that I have cancer when I loose my hair. I wont be able to hide it anymore and at least be treated like any other person by strangers. It's bad enough everyone who knows me treats me differently, I know you all get how I mean.



Oh. So I went wig shopping with my Jewish mom Saturday. She has experienced chronic pain and has chronic leukemia which is so slow acting at 73 she will be dead before she's symptomatic with no medical care. So she just keeps saying "I know. I know.". Narcissistic woman....



I lost it and finally said what I've wanted to say to EVERY person who doesn't have or hasnt survived BC who repeatedly tries to assign some other experience as an identification of where I am at in either feelings or pain. (are you following this?)



IN A FULL CRYING, shaking RAGE I said... "STOP SAYING I KNOW!!!! Unless you have had parts of your body chopped off and all your hair has fallen out YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW!" I followed with I know you are just trying to identify with me but it is just making me even more angry so Stop SAYING I KNOW!". I stopped sobbing finally. Apologized for screaming at her and gotta love my Jreush mom. She says,"if you can't yell at me who can you yell at?". And we went wig/buff shopping where I cried more.



My hair s about five fingers below my bra strap so I am going Wednesday to have it all cut off by my friend/hairdresser. I'll try to update my avatar after. She is cutting similar to the wig.



Ok. I'm exhausted.... I'll check back tomorrow after me last TE fill. I might have to stop at the local PD and register it is a lethal weapon, but I'll log in after I get a permit to carry.



Lots of love to all.

Anonymous

Teeballmom...I feel your pain because I'm young too. (no kids or husband though) I should be out at the bars with my friends. Or drinking piña coladas on the beach. Instead I'm running around doing scans, tests, etc trying to get ready for the worst part of my life. Sometimes I'm scared...I haven't been able to find Mr. Right healthy and beautiful. How will I find him bald and boobless and sick. I know it sounds like I'm having a pity party but I think I'm in denial about how bad my situation is and I'm focusing on the superficial. I actually read the oncologists report today and just cried. Words like aggressive just scream at me. I feel so stupid...how could I have not caught this sooner. Everyone tells me it's going to be ok, or tell me about their great aunt Sally who survived, but IM STILL SCARED!!!!

Tazzy

Juneau... would happily swap ya.   I would know what to expect with chemo and you know what to expect with surgery.   And therein lies the problem eh?  the waiting, the not knowing. 

I'm scared with you all the way.  Really, I can have quite colourful language at the best of times... but lately all my mind seems to say is "fuck"... its like I dont know what else to say to express how I feel ?!

You made me laugh out loud with your story of your Mum - priceless.   I have known a lot of Jewish 'Mums' and can just picture the whole scene... and only a Mum would say what she said after that eh?

So I guess you and 2Fried (or twin peaks) will be competing for the biggest ostrich egg size boobs eh?  

Love and hugs to you all xxxxxxx

Moonflwr912

For those shopping.g for wigs, one thing I bought was a set of bangs, they have velcro to attach to a scarf or hat. I got so many complements when I showed the, people would say we never noticed they were fake.(I showed some.of my friends and family) it was way more comfy than my wig, way less expensive, about $20 . Available through the TLC catalog. My friend cut them to fit, they hung long down by my ears and looked like way more hair. I got a highlighted bang.

Moonflwr912

For those shopping.g for wigs, one thing I bought was a set of bangs, they have velcro to attach to a scarf or hat. I got so many complements when I showed the, people would say we never noticed they were fake.(I showed some.of my friends and family) it was way more comfy than my wig, way less expensive, about $20 . Available through the TLC catalog. My friend cut them to fit, they hung long down by my ears and looked like way more hair. I got a highlighted bang.

Aruba

Ladies,  The only thing positive I have found about this whole ordeal is you!  It's like belonging to a sorority with our own symbols, phrases, and alphabet that only we here truly get.  Maybe we can make up our own chapter..how about.. Kau Chi Alpha... KCA...Kicking Cancers A$$!!   You don't even have to go through rush to belong...   Between our kids, our hubbys, our mothers (Juneaubug...OY :} and the general public....I think we can all be thankful we have each other!  ~Aruba

Dakota212

Aruba~

That's great!!! Love it!!!

Anonymous

teeballmom and jpmom - thanks for your candid info about how you managed chemo with your little ones. I also reached out to an acquaintance who went through this with very little ones and got her thoughts. I now feel a bit more informed and prepared to ask all the right questions of the oncologist as well as our pediatrician. And I'll just keep reminding myself of all the others who have gotten through this and come out the other end of the tunnel. And to all you others sending hugs and support - thanks. My little guy seems to be on the mend now, and is less aggressive about begging for mommy to pick him up. This too shall pass...

I am truly amazed by all you women who have made it through chemo and now fear surgery. The surgery is the easy part - I swear. As long as you don't focus on the concept of disfigurement or whatever you want to call it. I have personally decided to look at it as g-d's crappy way of giving me the boob job I never would have had the courage to get on my own. Albeit a crappy way to beef up the boobs my kids sucked down to nothing - but there has to be a silver lining, here - right?

Tazzy - well said. I don't think i'd be in such good shape if it weren't for all of you here.

juneaubugg - the short haircut is liberating, or at least it was for me. Good luck. Looking forward to seeing your new pic.

tpolychron and all the other newly diagnosed who have joined us - the beginning period after diangosis is the hardest. It gets easier. Don't beat yourselves up for throwing a pity party. BC is hard news to digest. I will never ever forget the fear that sliced through me when my gyn said he felt a lump, and then the further terror when the radiologist who did my sono said I needed to come in for a biopsy as soon as possible. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel like a mess right now. But you're all on the right path and taking the next steps you need to take. For me personally - once I had a plan of attack, I started to feel better. Sending you all super hugs and lots of strength. You can do this.

As for me - I'm pooped after my first day back at work, so I'm off to bed. Sleep well lovely ladies.

DigitalCowgirl

Good evening gals!

My, we've been chatty today.  I enjoyed catching up on your posts and really value your support and friendship.  

Tazzy, your garden is lovely.  Thanks for sharing the pics.  I also know what you mean about being a potty mouth.  I told my DH on the way home from surgery that I reserved the right to use the F word anytime I felt like it for the time being.  He just nodded and smiled.

Aruba, I like KCA!  Let's all do it, take no prisoners.  

Moonflower, great idea on the bangs.  Paula Young also has caps that you can attach bangs and nape hair to.  Looked really cute in the catalog.

Tpolychron and all those who are scared, hugs to you.  I know it's frightening.  All of us are scared. But we will get thru this and things will improve.  I keep remembering what my dear sweet mother would tell me....life is what YOU make of it. God, how I miss her.

All the talk of the men in your lives made me smile.  My DH has really risen to the occasion even tho he's never been one to handle sickness well.  He now shops, cooks, cleans and comforts.  He brings me flowers, bought me several pieces of shiny jewelry and always asks how I feel.  He brought me meds after surgery, drained my bottles and went to all appointments with me.  I love him so much.

Juneaubugg , have you received your oncotype test results?   My MO was all ready to send me for 4 rounds of chemo, when I asked for my results.  Well, come to find out my score came back a 3 and I would not have benefited with my type of cancer anyway.   Had I not challenged him I would be hairless and REALLY PISSED by now. 

My TEs are bugging the CRAP out of me tonight.  No matter what I do I can't find a comfy position.  They feel  like they are cutting my armpits open from the inside. And my chest is so tight it feels like it will split open.  So, I'm off to get some merlot and ponder what my mom used to tell me.

Have a happy evening. Hugs and love to all.