Aging Parents Anonymous

Momine: Vent away! This is the best place to do this. No one visits this little thread so it is quite a healing place. My husband's family's Alzheimers doesn't seem to have the paranoia so often associated with that ugly disease. For this, I am eternally grateful. My husband's Alzheimer symptoms are still very slight, unless you have lived with the man for 30 years. He started out pretty darn smart, giving him a lot of leeway.

A home health aide would be really useful for us right now. Just someone to wash my mother! I was able to talk her into a sponge bath one day, but she found it so difficult she has refused a second one. It has been hot. She needs to clean!

Kathy: Three properties does seem like a lot to manage at their age. It sounds like your help is needed! Funny that your Mom remembers shopping. Perhaps she has a bit of selective memory?

I will be staying here through Wednesday. I have treatment on Thursday, so I can't extend anymore. I will then be coming up once a week for an overnight visit for the duration, whatever that is. It is about a 3 1/2 hr drive. The plus side is, I am sitting north of the White Mountains, looking over the Presidentials. It is crystal clear and I can see every nook and cranny of Tuckermans' Ravine. This is some of the most beautiful countryside, and the weather is perfect.

Best to all,

*susan* 

Wow Susan, you deserve a medal!  I find it sad that it's so expensive to get the care for your elderly relatives there, as we can put our parents in facilities in Australia for a percentage of their government age pension if they have no other income or assets.  Those who have assets can put down a large deposit which earns interest for the facility. The main barrier is the lack of places and they have to wait unless it's deemed urgent.

We went through a similar crisis with my mother after my treatments ended.  She was in denial about her Alzheimer's and was in a disordered house on her own which we were unable to touch without a tantrum from her. She had piles of rotting waste waiting to be disposed of "later". She lost her driver's licence so couldn't get to the shopping centre to buy groceries.  I think she was living on bread and meals out but swore she was cooking whole meals.  Also she wasn't taking her insulin though she swore she was, but there it was, untouched in the fridge.  Anyway, it's nearly two years ago now and she's settled reluctantly in the facility.  As much as she complains, when I ask her if I won money and moved into a mansion, would she move in with me... she's shocked and says no, they take care of all her needs there.  She can't bear the thought of any change to her routine and would never run away.  I know many do escape though like your dad.

Good morning girls! I am so glad we have this thread. Yeah, Mumito, my parents are the same. I don't think they could handle having to leave their home. As it is, I know it is very hard for my Dad, since he just sold the home he loves, and has never lived anywhere but HI. I will go there next wk and help them for 3 wks, trying to pack up their house, decide what to move to AL, etc. Luckily their home here is on one level and the sunroom looks rignt onto the lake (almost in it!), so if one of them ended up being bedridden, it would be a lovely place to have a bed right there. I just know it will be a LOT of work for me once they do move here, prolly the end of JUly or first of Aug. BUT am SO GLAD we finally talked my dad into moving here. My mom would have been so much happier if they could have moved here earlier. Now I can't do as much with her, as her memory is declining.

Mumito, SO glad your DD and her DH will be visiting your parents, and helping them out. Nice that they do that on their own!

Awww, Joy, glad your mom is settled in to the facility, and if had a choice now, would not want to move.

Susan, Glad your Dad is settling in, and hope he "stays put" and doesn't escape again. Thats really something that he would go into the cars and wait. Sounds like a sweetie, really. GOOD LUCK with your appt tomorrow, hope all goes really well.

The information that is shared here, is so invaluable. AND having a place to vent is priceless. I know I will be asking questions and have a lot to vent about once they are here to stay. However if something happens to my mom, I am sure my dad would want to move back to HI, if physically able to. Hawaii is my home to (we go back several generations), but since I chose to move to the mainland many years ago, I really like it here. I feel so thankful to still have my parents with me. I am hoping once the real "caretaking" takes place, that I can handle it with grace and not show them that I am under stress. You girls are so amazing and quite an inspiration. If you can do it, I am more likely to think I can do it!

Hugs,

Kathy

LOL at that, Susan! Although sad, nice to see the humor in it. I still think you Dad must be a sweetheart! Imagine that, he felt he needed a tape measure every time he packed, and then when they disappeared, he found where to hide them! Wonder what he thought he needed them for? Did he use them in his prior job? Never heard the term "gant-de-mains" before, you taught me something!

My parents keep amazing me. I am going there next week to help them pack and move, etc. But I just will be there for 3 wks, leaving right before closing on their house there. SO I figured we would be busy every minute. But, get this....my Dad is having a big party for the Fishing Club (more social club than fishing!) just 3 days before I leave to come home.  What??? And he is providing all the steaks and crab legs.....will prolly be 100-200 people!!! AND he wants to take me and my mom to the Big Island, to Hilo. He was born and raised there, and still has some good friends there, so maybe that will be to say "goodbye". He sure doesn't act like he's 95! I just also hope we have enough time to get everything done! May have to sell the car, figure out what to do with all the furniture, etc. Hard when you move across the ocean!

Again, thanks for sharing that with us, Susan. Hope your appt went well; I think it was today(?).

Hugs!

Kathy

Glad your appt went well, Susan! And you know, I have a lot of tape measures too...and now I will look at them differently, with a little smile thinking of your Dad and his tape measures. Note: Since my Dad set up a workbench/garage shop here, I wonder how many tools he might bring over during the move. I know he has had some of them since before WWll. Cheers!

Awww Marybe, Glad you found this thread. I had been wondering how you were doing. What a mess! After my stepdad died (at 91), 9 yrs ago, my mom got caught in a scam in Walmart parking lot. The one where they say they found some money and will share it, but you have to put money with them, etc. She had known about that scam but was totally lost after he died,and had forgotten about it. SO she goes to the bank to withdraw $$16,000, with the 2 girls right there with her (diff race than my mom), so teller knows my mom and asked "Are you sure you want to withdraw this much cash?". My mom said she did. It wasn't till after she drove the girls back to Walmart and they "disappeared" into the store with all her money that it hit her that it was a scam. OMG, she didn't even tell me till after she had talked with the police and made a report (and I lived minutes away). Luckily, my mom was ok financially, so didn't have to do without. BUT I think of how she always watches her pennies, and then just to give these scam artists that much money! SO when my dad wanted to get remarried, she readily agreed...I think she was worried about living alone after that happened. They have been remarried over 8 yrs now.

Ok, back to your father, Marybe. That really is SCARY about his accidents. I am surprised also, that they didn't make him do a test drive to get his license. In HI where my parents got their most recent DL's, they do make you drive, esp at their ages. I don't ride with my mom (91), but my dad (95) still drives in HI, which has horrid traffic. In fact he will prolly pick me up at the airport next week, and it is about 30-40 min from his house. Thats really hard, to try to take his license away. Not sure the best way to do it. I have read that if you can get someone else to talk to him about it (like his doctor), then he won't be upset with you. AND THAT CAR....sheesh, it makes me so mad when salespeople take advantage of elderly and the young. That is sad, as there is no good way out of it. Sorry you are saddled with all of that, and trying to do the best you can, for your dad. Weird they would finance it, at his age. Ya know, since he doesn't have to worry about getting credit, although I don't believe in doing this, in his case, would it be a good idea to just let the finance co take it back? BUT then they might come after him for the balance, like with a credit collector. I don't know...its sad he would have such a loss on it. Does he have enough money to live on? If so, maybe you can explain to him what happened and that it may be time to cut his losses on that car. Even losing that much money, if he would be ok financially, might be a small price to pay to get him to stop driving. So that he won't hurt himself or someone else. Hope I made sense. I am rambling. And my desktop computer got fried, so I using this teeny netbook!

Take care, Marybe. Now that you found this thread, hope you stay here with us! And let us know what you end up doing, re your dads car and his DL. Good luck!!!

Hugs, Kathy

  I am not going to worry about it until after I get back from Florida and sit down and talk with him that weekend after the 4th.  He is so logical when it comes to other things.....he can carry on a conversation about current events (which amazed my cousins who were here for his big 90th...their Dad does have Alzheimers and although he is two yrs younger than my father has lots of problems), reads the paper, balances his checkbook to the penny, is quite active physically, but is just totally unreasonable when it comes to this driving issue.   We fight about it and also the fact he insists on having his martini every night.  He actually fixes a balanced meal for himself every evening....has his martini and then dinner, watches a little tv and goes to bed before 9, sometimes even earlier since he says he gets tired.   He is just very very stubborn about some things and I am afraid I am not a very patient person and feel guilty about that.  My sister is out in Portland OR so really doesn't have to deal with any of this....financially she would not be able to help at all....guess I could, but it would really put me in a bind.   However, money is not so much the issue as the  fact he should not have gotten this car to begin with and should not be on the road.  Oh well, as Scarlett said I will think about it tomorrow.....after I get back from vacation actually. I think maybe I will call up his ins agent when I get back and see if maybe they are going to cancel him....that would take care of a lot of things.  He has always been a law abiding citizen and I can't see him saying he will just drive without ins. 

That scam your mother was taken by was just awful, Kathy. 

Oh Lord I think  we are going to totally wear out this thread.We all need a place to vent our stress.Marybe my father actually gave up his liscence after a close call in a walmart parking lot.I was so happy and so relieved.Maybe if you keep bringing the topic up he will take the hint.Good luck ((hugs))

My mother had a mild stoke two days after I flew home.She is recovering nicely though sounds like almost everything is back.They will keep her in the hospital until her mobility is better.I think I will probably fly back to check upon her. 

Try and enjoy your weekend ladies. 

Whew.  (I should have taken notes.) 

Susan, the tape measure story is funny and sad. People with dementia do such odd, unpredictable things, like putting objects in the freezer that ought not to go there, or wearing their clothing inside-out, or (like my dad) relieving themselves in inappropriate places. 

Midway through his travels with Alzheimers and while he was still living at home, Dad decided he was too tall and too shaky to p** into the commode. Truth was, he couldn't aim steadily enough to hit the hole anymore. So, ... he started going in the bathroom sink.  Mom caught him at it once, and had a fit. I don't want to imagine what she said to him, but the words she used when she described the incident to me (incidents, actually -- he did it several times) included terms like "filthy" and "sick" and "disgusting". My dad was a prankster when he was young, and I think Mom suspected he was doing it on purpose, or because he was too lazy to raise the toilet seat anymore.  I secretly thought it was pretty creative of him to take advantage of the difference in height; plus, for Pete's sake, the guy was deep into Alzheimer's, and at least he wasn't p*ssing in the wastebasket or the clothes hamper like people I'd read about.  But, Mom just couldn't grasp the fact that Dad was regressing in his behavior and was more like a small child sometimes.  I gave her a copy of "The 36-Hour Day," but she wouldn't read it because she thought it was too depressing.

I think driving might be one of the biggest difficulties when a family member has dementia. I used to hang out on an Alzheimer's newsgroup (remember newsgroups?), where one of the most popular subjects was advice on how to take the keys away from a parent who shouldn't be driving. When my Dad was diagnosed, he simply quit driving. It was stunning. He was a proud, stubborn guy; and I figured convincing him not to drive would be all-out war. It would take an accident to get him to stop. But, no... he just started letting Mom drive all the time, almost as if he enjoyed having a chauffeur.

Except once, years after Dad had stopped driving and Mom had stopped hiding the keys:  Mom got home from an errand and found their 2nd car -- the one she'd left outside in the driveway -- centered nicely and securely in the garage. "What's the car doing in the garage???", she asked Dad. He replied, "Oh, I put it there. It looked like it might rain, and I figured it should be inside, so I drove it in." Uh-huh.... 

Marybe, I second the call for help on the car issue. It does sound like your Dad still has some executive functioning skills -- maintaining a checkbook, for instance. I watched my dad try unsuccessfully to figure out how much cash to give someone for a book that cost $17.95. He finally handed the guy his wallet and told him to take the correct amount. That's when I knew there was something very wrong. But, the driving problems affect other people (obviously).  So, when you get home and have an opportunity, talk to someone about it. Maybe an Alzheimer's support group in your city?  Maybe an elder-care social worker?  (Even if he doesn't have Alzheimer's, they might be able to offer some advice.)

I have a sad update on my M.I.L.  She is in I.C.U. at a local hospital, and I really don't expect her to recover.  She fell 6 weeks ago and bumped her head, and was hospitalized for observation because she was on Coumadin. She seemed okay, though; and all the scans were fine.  A month later, she had a very mild stroke that affected her left hand and gave her a very slight facial droop. The docs called it a "TIA" -- they couldn't see anything on scans, and the symptoms were so very mild. Overnight in the hospital, and she was home again to her apartment.  The admitting doctor told us not to bother calling the ambulance or taking her to the ER again if she had another stroke.<sigh>

Later that same day, she developed diarrhea and vomiting and her blood pressure shot through the roof. She was taken to the ER at a different hospital, and admitted to ICU until they got the BP under control. The diarrhea subsided but the vomiting continued, she became weaker, and her white count (WBC) was way up.  The docs hemmed and hawed, did some tests and a bunch of scans, and decided she had a partial obstruction of her small intestine. Because of her age (90) and frail condition, they didn't want to do surgery unless absolutely necessary; plus, it looked like the blockage would resolve on its own.

It didn't. After 3 days of watching and waiting, they took her to surgery to remove the obstruction. Instead, they removed almost all of her small intestine -- all except about 3-1/2 feet of it. All the rest (approx. 20 feet) was necrotic, which explained all the symptoms we had been seeing.  What was left of her intestine was too fragile to reconnect, so they gave her a "stoma" (an ileostomy).

It has been 3 days since the surgery, and she still hasn't awakened completely from the anesthetic and/or the effects of having 20 feet of necrotic intestine in her belly for a few days.  Her remaining functional kidney is unhappy, as is her poor, aged heart. Because she can't cough ("protect her airway") or breathe deeply enough to take in sufficient oxygen, she's still on a ventilator part time.  And, because she has lost almost all of her small intestine and cannot absorb enough nutrients through the remaining 3-1/2 feet, she is on i.v. feeding.

I know what you are all thinking:  "What about a Living Will/Advance Directive?".

She signed one more than 15 years ago.  Her wishes are very clear:  once she is determined to be "permanently unconscious" or to have a "terminal illness" that will result in death in less than 6 months, she does not want "artificial nutrition and hydration" that would otherwise prolong her life.  But, she isn't unconscious -- she can open her eyes, respond to commands ("Squeeze my fingers!"... "Wiggle your toes!"...), and hold her head up for a few minutes when being transferred from bed to chair.  She can breathe on her own (with CPAP support) for several hours at a time before tiring and needing to go back on the ventilator.  Oh, and, the loss of most of the small intestine to a surgeon's blade does not constitute a terminal illness, even if it results in the need for i.v. feeding because not enough nutrients can be absorbed by what remains.

So, we wait.  The care she is receiving is extraordinary; but at some point her body needs to step up and take over, and it does not seem capable of doing that.  Not yet, anyway. The docs were pretty upbeat when she managed to survive that first night after the surgery (they had been pessimistic). They've grown more stoic and uncertain each day as her condition has failed to improve significantly.  She makes tiny improvements, but other things go wrong and cancel out the good news.  The docs and nurses know about the Living Will/Advance Directive.

I keep wondering what my M.I.L. would say if she could talk to us. (She can't.)  Even under the very best of circumstances, she is looking at needing skilled nursing care, a diet that will require constant attention, and nutritional supplementation by i.v., for the rest of her life.

otter

Wahine,

Clearly my mother should have learned the "roll." She has always been the most clutsy person I have ever known. I just wrote a whole post about the further saga of my father, but lost it. Things have gotten much worse but I don't have the emotional reserve to type that all again. My heart is breaking.

*susan* 

Oh my, what would we do without this thread. I am thankful that Althea started it when she did, as we have quite a need for it.

Oh Susan, (((((Susan))))), wish I could give you hugs in person. What an ordeal you are having with your father. YOU are doing all the right things, and doing all you could possibly do. I hope the home he is in can come up with some good solutions. Sounds like things have gotten much worse, though. I understand how you might not want to write it all in a post, as it is overwhelming. Just realize we are all thinking of you, AND of your father, and hope and pray that things will improve. It breaks my heart too.

Hope you can enjoy your vacay, Marybe, as I know when you see your father next week, you will have a lot on your plate, especially emotionally. Hoping for some good solutions there, too. I guess when you have been independant as long as he has, it is hard to think of depending on someone else to take you places. Some of the senior centers have volunteers that take people shopping, to drs, etc. But that would be hard for him to deal with. Or, if he can afford to, he could take a taxi everywhere. LOTS to give up, though, and I know you are very sympathetic with that, so will deal with the situation with a lot of love, and understanding.

Reading all that you are going through, gives me a lot of insight as to what I may be facing soon, with my parents. Already my mom's memory has declined so much, and that breaks my heart. But then there are times when she acts so normal, so I treasure those moments. Its hard to see her try to paint like she used to, as she was a very accomplished artist. But then again, I am glad she still wants to try. I just wish my dad had agreed to move here sooner, as she is so much happier here, and I think of all the years she has had to just "visit" her home here and then be so miserable in the Hawaii home have taken its toll. But really I am very thankful my dad finally agreed to sell his home there. At 95, that is a hard thing to do, to leave where you have always lived, and move to....Alabama????? I know that he never would have thought he would be doing this!!

You are ALL amazing, and it just hurts me so much to know what you are coping with, regarding your parents. Please realize you are doing SO MUCH, and that is very helpful for them. IF you weren't so caring and loving, then they would be in much worse shape. I hope and pray for things  to work out for everyone. Please keep on venting here, as it helps to get it out, and also, you never know when someone else might have some ideas you haven't thought of, based on what they have been through.

Hugs to all,

Kathy

So, now that I have calmed down a bit, let me tell you the story. The staff determined that they could not control my father. He was refusing to dress, shower, or mingle with the other residents. He was roaming around. He was, simply, acting out his anger at being abandoned. [He has dementia, not stupidity.] And of course, he knew how to escape. They indicated that in order to keep him he would need to be drugged. DRUGGED! The one thing that everyone had agreed we would not allow. My Mother approved this with about 30 seconds of thought.

And they still moved him to the nursing home area at $235/day.

I am so furious at my Mother that I am spitting bullets. She must know that this would be my reaction since I have not actually heard any of this from her, but from Sister No 2 who may be even madder than I am. I return to her house today to care for her for the next three days. I find myself retreating emotionally. I will take care of her, but some of my compassion might just stay at my house.

The good news is, Sister No 2 went to visit my father yesterday and found him to be just fine. They chatted, read the paper together, and when it was time for her to leave, he didn't ask to join her or make a fuss of any kind. Based on the emails from this home, we were both expecting something different.

If I had a solution, I would implement it. But I don't. My mother is his "guardian" and she gets to make all the decisions, even the wrong ones.

_sigh_

*susan* 

Susan, OMG, how sad. You mentioned when your sister2 went to visit your dad, that he seemed to be fine and chatted, etc. Did she think he was "vacant" and just going thru the motions, or actually interacting with her? I am just asking, as I wonder how strong the drugs are that they are using for him? If it is just something to "take the edge off", and is working, that would be great. But I would hate it too, if it takes away his personality. Even though your mom is his guardian, if there is something you are adamant about, could you convince her of your feelings and thoughts on this? GLAD you will be there today and for 3 days, so you can see for yourself how your dad is doing, and what might be the best solution for his care. IF he now is happy there, it might help you feel better about his situation. HOPING all is well when you get there.Let us know, ok?

Oh, Mumito and Marybe, I hope you live a HEALTHY, LONG LIFE! IF you could see my parents, my dad is doing amazing for 95, and still does his finances, goes on trips, drives, makes decisions, does all the cooking, etc. My mom was fine till a few months ago. Last year she could travel here on her own, and stay on her own. Not now though. BUT they are happy, and healthy, and I think they are glad to still be around. OF COURSE, with cancer, and all the tx, and diff stages, that does make things different. I always have people tell me I will live long because of my heritage (my gma was 101,etc), but I think because of all the chemicals, toxins, we have been exposed to, plus my yoyo dieting (that they never did), I would not live as long as them. I think things were healthier when they were growing up. Plus I left HI for good at 24, and I think it is much healthier living there. WELL, we will do our best, right? My DH had to go to the ER yesterday and they admitted him last night, he had chest pains, and does have cardiac issues. Prev heart attack, plus some blockages now, plus bad valve,and heart murmur. The cardiologist sees him this morn, so then maybe I'll know more. He looked ok last night though, and no more pains, so might be able to come home today. He had just driven 5 hrs from a trip, and had just gotten home...apparently he had the pains before he left and wanted to get home quickly. Scary!

Hoping for a good day for you all. Hugs,

Kathy

Hi Susan, I thought Ativan was an anti-anxiety drug, so looked it up to be sure. GLAD they are giving him a low dose, and maybe that will be all he will need. God, I sure hope so!!! Oh shoot, I forgot you needed to be with your mother 24/7. Hope someone can watch her for a bit so you can see your dad. Or could she go with you?  Not sure how she is getting around yet, or if she would not be able to get in the car, etc. Will be thinking of you all, and hope things will be much brighter while you are there! Thanks for the concern for my DH. The dr still has not been to see him....aaarrrggghhhh. Really should have taken him to the larger hospital with cardiology unit.....next time.

Hugs,

Kathy

Aha! I told you my father has dementia, not stupidity! Yes Ativan has been ordered- 5 mg at 4pm- but he refuses to take it! He even told them they were trying to poison him.

He packed up his things this evening, ready to head towards Boston, but was convinced to stay for dinner. That is the last we have heard.

I am rather proud of my father. Even in his current state, he knows that he doesn't want any drugs.

*susan*