Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?
Comments
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JulieLynn: I just found this thread and am catching up on posts, but I'm glad to hear you're going to get a reprieve from your nasty SIL. It's interesting how families - the ones we expect to be able to count on the most - often let us down the hardest.
My sister lives in Alaska and I hadn't seen her in four years; it had been 10 years before that (it's a long and expensive trip that none of us can easily afford). She "surprised" me with a visit 10 days ago - walked through my front door with my daughter (who had driven to Chicago to pick her up, cheaper to fly there I guess) and we had a lovely evening. The next day we drove to Ann Arbor to surprise my parents, and had a wonderful afternoon!! My sister wanted to visit another friend so she said she'd call me later in the evening and we'd make plans for a day or so later, and I was walking on cloud nine! No call, so I tried to call her; no response. She called me five days later - having too much fun with her local friends (she's 45) and forgot. Planned to see each other this last Sunday, but I ended up on the verge of hospitalization with a stomach bug so I had to cancel plans. Called her repeatedly; she finally texted me this morning to tell me she was on her way back home. Oh, and sorry she didn't say goodbye, she didn't have time. But since my cancer is gone (it is?!) and I only have one treatment left (I must have missed that memo; I have 7 left) she wasn't worried that I'd die anytime soon, so we'd see each other again soon, she was certain.
She has dealt with mental health and substance abuse issues for years...but for some reason, I thought this time would be different. She left and didn't even say goodbye to our parents, who (both in ill health) were on the edge of their seats every minute of her visit, so glad she was here. And every minute she used me and my cancer as her excuse for her visit - as long as it was convenient for her.
Somewhere, back on the first or second page of this thread, someone mentioned "cancer groupies" and I've picked up at least a couple of those along the way, too. Two of them are acquaintences, not really friends - and they both decided to shave their heads in "solidarity", then proceed to give me constant advice on how to take care of my bald head. When I mentioned in my blog recently that my falling-out hair felt like shards of glass stuck in my scalp, one of them talked extensively about how it's because the hair is growing back and the stubble will hurt for a while (cuz that's what happens with her) but it'll get better, just keep shaving and it won't hurt anymore. OM*G
Then there's the friend who had an HPV scare last year, and "understands exactly what I'm going through".
And then there are the wonderful, supportive, loving and kind friends who have stepped up to the plate, are there when I need them (and soooo understanding when I need to be alone). I thank god for them every day, because they make life so very, very good.
Okay, enough of my rant. And like JulieLynn pointed out we're expecting nasty weather here, so I'm secretly hoping my sister's flight is delayed and she's forced to sit in the airport with nothing to do. I know that sounds awful, but some days I just don't care.
Stupid cancer.
(thanks for listening!)
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Glad you found this thread, NancyHB. I am also glad this thread is here.
One hard, hard fact about BFFs and family, etc. who are mentally ill or have problems like substance abuse is that that they won't show up. That's when their illness or behavior can really reveal itself.
A lot of us here on this thread, seem to have come here hurting from broken relationships with childhood-connected loved ones that are also dysfunctional when it comes to giving/supporting others. Whereas from a healthy strong place, we could look around those dysfunctions to love and care for them, they cannot return the love/support. It bites. It's a hard place to have to realize some of the people we love wholey are not whole enough to love us that way. The loss in that is hard to take. It opens our eyes. But when we look around, we are really lucky for the whole people who love and support us that can and do and want to. It sounds like your parents are very hurt in this too. But hopefully, you have them and they have you and that is good.
(The cancer groupies sound scary! Glad I haven't experienced that. Yikes!)
The people who have helped hold me up through this have opened my heart - I don't know what I would have ever done without the love and support and kindesses of those who could and did and wanted to be here with me.
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truebff- This is off subject but there's a new member who is looking for a recommendation for a BS in Michigan and I noticed you're from Ann Arbor. I thought maybe you could let her know if you liked yours. Her screen name is KCD and the name of her thread is "Michigan- Surgeon Recommendation".
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/91/topic/783383?page=1#idx_2
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I loved my BS. In fact every single woman in the hospital has a crush on him. He is a very nice man and he did a remarkable clean job with my lumpectomy. I am happy as a clam to recommend him.
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Nancy - I'm so sorry you went through that with your sister...and are still going through it. It's so hurtful when it's family. Friends are always hard too but you can more easily make the decision on whether you want them in your life or not. Family is so much more complicated. I have three family members that have not been supportive in any way, shape, or form. I keep trying to remind myself about all the wonderful support I have had. I got a card yesterday from a lady who I have never met. She works with the wife of a cousin, heard about me, is a 2 year survivor, and wanted to tell me that now she's feeling better than she ever has. It was so nice!! These are the kind of people we need to focus on. Yep, I know, easier said than done....I had a very nice long vent here just a few days ago. This group of ladies is so wonderful - You've always got someone to listen here and provide support and for the ones who aren't willing to be here for us, we just need to figure out a way to push them out of our minds. They don't deserve our energy.
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I haven't posted here in a while, but I'm glad to see the thread is still going. Although it's awful that any of us have had our loved ones turn their backs on us, it is comforting to have each other.
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I have read all of your posts . . . and in the very short time since I've diagnosed (February 17th), I've already experienced so much of what you have all shared. A sister who sent me an email saying "it's great you live in Canada - free health care", to a BFF who spoke to me once, then disappeared, to a friend (?) who emailed me about her bunion surgery as if it's equivalent . . . and on it goes. Here is my struggle, and I'm hoping for guidance. Given that it is early days for me, and there is much to come (BMX), do I: a) let the chips fall where they may - let people do what they're gonna go and just let their true colours and feelings show; or b) call those who have done nothing and tell them that I need their support now more than ever, and that I'd like them to check in, and tell them that their failure to check in is hurtful etc . . . so . . . that is my dilemna. . . I would like some advice please!!!!!
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This is a great thread! I was actually looking for something dealing with anger when I found this. I'm just in an anger stage. Anyway, this was perfect; because a lot of my anger has to do with the way people are treating me. I am pleased to say that most of my friends have been very supportive. My boss is being weird. Human Resources are being jerks. And I seem to want more attention than I have ever wanted in my life. There is no way anyone can meet that need, especially with me working overtime this week. I was diagnosed a couple weeks ago. My mastectomy surgery is scheduled for March 7th. From this thread, I have learned that I may need to take the initiative in keeping in touch with my friends. It won't do to sit around and stew because they aren't calling me.
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Great topic and something hardly anyone talks about. I noticed after my bc dx that some of my friends weren't comfortable around me. It's like they didn't know what to say, or maybe they thought cancer was contagious, who knows? I have met a lot of new people who seem to be ok with who I am now, so maybe it was hard for old friends to see the changes I went through, physically and mentally. Breast cancer is so common these days that everyone knows someone who has it. I think...maybe women are scared of it and want to stay as far away from you (and it) as possible. It's hurtful. A lot of my friends could not and still cannot understand that I don't have tons of energy. Yes, it's been over 3 yrs since my dx, but I'm not a young person, and I did have some major health issues before the bc. So I get tired. Easily. I have thought about the friend thing a lot and have two questions:
Is it better to NOT tell new friends that you've had/have bc? OR
Should you tell them right off the bat and see what happens?
I guess the 'friends' who don't stick around were never friends to begin with. BC really exposes a lot of S%T!! I guess I should be thankful for that.
tucker
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For me - for my peace of mind - when my friends say inappropriate things I'm working on letting it roll off my back and accept that this is coming from their place, not mine. For instance, one of my best friends and former supervisor was going through the early stages of "lump discovery" at the exact same time I was. She got the fork in the road that turned out to be a cyst; mine turned out to be BC. The first comment out of her mouth was, "Well, if you have to have a mastectomy at least no one will notice." I realized in that moment that the comment was not about me and my smallish breasts, but about her own fear of cancer, of losing one or both of her breasts, of being a larger-breasted woman, of simply being a woman. I hugged her and, at that moment, agreed with her. :-)
Some people say thoughtless things because they are ignorant. One gentleman behind me in line at the coffeehouse made a comment to his friend about the "dyke" haircut I had (pre-bald but super-shaved). I turned to them quietly and with a smile said, "Cancer took my hair, but it hasn't taken my hearing." And I didn't look back. Upon reflection I just wish I had said something witty like, "Do you like it? My girlfriend does" and just let it go because I was more offended by the comment than their ignorance.
I pray for peace - but sometimes, I can't find it with both hands and a flashlight. I can forgive ignorance; I cannot forgive malice and inconsideration. Those are the "friends" who really aren't, never were, and cannot be again. I don't ask for much, simply patience, kindness, and respect. Maybe that's just too much to ask for some times.
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Hi NancyHB . . . you sound soooo strong. I may have "punched" your friend/former supervisor . . . and as for the comment in the coffee shop, I think you did the right thing!! That said, I think I still may be somewhere within the "anger" stage of dx. I need to find a place where you seem to be . . . a place of understanding others . . . and their insensitivities . . . I know that fixating on their acts, or failure to act will only hurt me more. I have so many great people helping me that I need to find a way to let go of those who arn't . . . Nancy . . . I'm gonna think of you as I move forward . . . and I really liked your closing paragraph!
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Beautifully said, Nancy.
For myself, I am still trying to make distinctions between ignorance and malice/inconsideration.
tucker
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Tuckertwo: Thank you for your kind words. When I meant ignorance, it's in response to people who don't know I have cancer, or don't know my circumstances. They simply don't know and so they say things not realizing who they're saying them to. That I can more easily forgive. I struggle to be understanding of someone saying something malicious (like the coffeehouse comment) or knowing my situation and still saying inconsiderate things (like my friend/boss). At least, with the latter, I am able to say to myself, "This comment is about them, not about me" and can acknowledge their likely fear.
Or, at least this is what I try to do. I get angry and frustrated as times with inconsideration - like with my friend: really, my breast cancer, chemo, and long-term not-so-great prognosis is the same as your cervical cancer scare last year that required "chemo" (one pill) so you understand what I'm going through? *deep breath* "meditate and go to the happy place* *understand she's trying to connect*. I still have bad days, seriously - but I keep trying.
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Nancy,
Oh yeah
the happy place! Sometimes I have to work hard on that image. I was looking at your tag line and the prognosis doesn't look bad! Am I missing something? You're done with tx? HER- have something like 96% in 5 yrs compared to her2+ which is something like 68%. You also have a lower grade tumor which is better than a grade 3!!
How are you feeling after the chemo? I did a yr of Herceptin as well....sucky stuff.
tucker
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Hi out there, I have not seen this tread before, but I find it to be really good. We all need to vent! But, sometimes it doesn't help and we feel like-worse. You know that we are basically just angry that we have this stuff. And, if one more person says, 'well, you know --we all have to die' that person will probably get a remark like--' and so will you--have you been naughty or nice?' My anger is going away because, in the end, it just is a waste of my time to get angry. And, I do have little precious time left.
Patience and prayers, Hope
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Great responses, Nancy. You are so strong and centered in those responses. There is A LOT to be learned and enjoyed from a sister like you.
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Tucker: My diagnosis doesn't look bad, that's true - Stage 1, grade 2, no lymph node involvement, ER+, PR and Her2-. But my Onctotype came back at 42 - a 28% metastatic recurrence rate; chemo reduces that to 18% (whoo-hoo!). So instead of doing the originally-scheduled 4xTC, I just finished my fourth dd AC yesterday, and am gearing up for 6 dd Taxol starting in two weeks. Then 30 rounds of rads, and five years of Tamoxifen. My fear is not about today, but tomorrow. I prayed for an Onco of 0, or 6, or 10, but because of the rapid rate of growth my doctor is "cautiously optimistic" that it won't return. My anger stems from the fact that I am not so optimistic. Breast cancer - the gift that keeps on giving.
Nancy
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Hope: How true! We all know we will die some day, but when it's staring you in the face and sticking its tongue out at you, it's kinda hard to ignore. I spend much of my time coming to terms with my mortality. But I don't want to hear it from others. Yes, I know, I can get hit by a bus stepping off the curb - life is not guaranteed. We're all dying from the moment we're born. Blah, blah...But really - if I hear that from one more person I fear my patience will curl up into a fist that seeks out their face. Okay, maybe only in my head. I'm not always strong or centered - but I really try to be, for MY OWN sake, not the sake of others. My energy is better spent on healing my body and soul and heart; hopefully some of that energy willl sneak over to them and help them heal their fear.
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Oh wow, you hit the nail on the head. In my case though, it was my family that let me down. I was diagnosed, they said to let 'em know if I needed anything and kind of went away but my friends, gee, two in particular rearranged many aspects of their life to make sure I had rides to treatment, set up a lot of little surprises during milestones (after first chemo, midway, last chemo, New Years Eve, etc). They called at least 3 times a week.
I was so disappointed in my family that I spoke to them and again, you hit the nail on the head. My sister actually said that I've always lived alone, took care of myself, was actually too independent and never needed anything. She told my family, they all felt bad but we all decided my part in all this is that I need to ask if I need help. That's really hard when you are not used to it.
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i hate the part in all of this you need to ask for helpThat is really hard when you are not used to it.Well if you want them ya gotta do what ya gotta do.Me i would choak on my words asking anyone for help.My mother who was a widow at 32 told me if you cannot do it yourself do without it.its hard and now more then ever i would never ask......
damn you should know we need help.you dont have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Plenty people let me down..I do forgive but ill never ever forget.
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NancyHB said....
" I pray for peace - but sometimes, I can't find it with both hands and a flashlight. I can forgive ignorance; I cannot forgive malice and inconsideration. Those are the "friends" who really aren't, never were, and cannot be again. I don't ask for much, simply patience, kindness, and respect. Maybe that's just too much to ask for some times."
Nancy... I cannot express how much your words have hit home with me! Thank you for expressing it far more eloquently than I could have! -
Nancy and you all too! ' my energy is better spent on healing my body,soul and heart; hopefully some of that energy will sneak over to them and help heal their fear'. Words of wisdom!
It is so hard when family lets one down. We expect to have their support and love. And, unless a family member has had cancer or near one who has/had it, they cannot understand all that one goes through. My cousins were very supportive and still are. But, they were around members of our family who have had cancer and other illnesses.
People are afraid of, well, everything. Just add cancer to the list and it can send them into a spiral. Our friend has his PSA checked every 2 weeks. He is going in for a biopsy (ouch) the end of the month. He is not in immediate danger (low marker), and hopefully does not have pre-cancer or cancer cells present. His wife talks to me about it. She feels better and so do I.
Sharing with others is all we can do and that includes family. Does it really matter if you have to ask? It seems if you ask, you are the one who is strong! At least you are facing life.
Prayers for you all, Hope
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I sure did not want to stop this thread! If you feel like venting, then do it! It is better to do it here than at someone! We all do care!!
Peace, Hope
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I am so tempted to send emails to some of my dear friends who have put me on the back burner since dx.One has not called me once but sent 2 eamils and a message that i will be invited to her daughters wedding...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!
still am tryin to figure this all out
guess ill take a big broom and do big sweep.Havnt done it since dx.
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Granny, I cannot imagine someone so stupid as to throw YOU away -YOU are so incredile!!!!!! A friend I would always cherish!!! Amen.
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Well...I guess some good things have come to me because of bc. Is that a weird thing to say or what?!
It forced me to get out more and meet new people. I've made some interesting friends. The question now is, do I tell them about my bc and watch them maybe disappear, or do I keep it to myself.
Peeps are strange, are they not? I like to think I wouldn't dump any friend because of bc, or any illness.
tucker
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Reading to much on this site-----where families don't get lowered immunity and selfishness in that regard. If your immunity is lowered and no one stands up for you. YOU MUST STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. ALSO, don't pull weeds. Made that mistake this week and am paying for it.
The OTHERS , being those that have never gone through cancer--------haven't got a clue. You must go into self protection mode. Don't allow sick people or even people near you in a low immune state. Isolation. Until your immune status is rebuilt.
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I thought I'd share a good news story as I've had too many of the opposite lately re: family/friend stuff. I have a very very close girlfriend. We've been friends for about 25 years. Been through "the works" together. You all know the kind. When I was first diagnosed, she was my 3rd for 4th call. She was devestated. Then, she literally "disappeared". Long story short . . . I was sooooooooo hurt. I thought about it constantly. Then I finally decided to send her an email. When I did, she immediately called every number she had for me, sent me tons of emails. And she really laid her heart on her sleeve about not being able to handle this, about crying daily, about truly not knowing what to do. So . . . after an 18-day absense (and we all know that feels like a lifetime after first being dx-ed) . . . she is closer to me than ever. The lesson for me is that sometimes we do need to reach out and tell the people who matter (the ones whom we really do love and do care about and who are worth our energy) how we feel . . . and then let them show their true colours . . .
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Ok . . . now a "ranting" story if that's OK . . . I posted some of this on another thread . . . need to get it out . . .
I have an a-hole for a brother. He's a self-righeous SOB, who is a minister. It's basically either his way or the highway. If you don't believe what he does. You don't rate. Long story short . . . when I got married 10 years ago, he RSVP'ed that he and his brood (wife + 5 kids) would be there. Then the night before my wedding, he sent me an email (which I did not receive - no smart phones back then and I was a bit distracted the night before I got married) saying they wouldn't be there b/c I'm not a christian and they could not attend a non-christian wedding . . . and basically that the wedding didn't "count" b/c god woudn't be there. So, wedding day . . . my whole family has no idea where they are . . . everyone thinks something terrible happened to them . . . everyone distracted trying to get a hold of them (to no avail) . . . are they in an accident? etc. etc. . . needless to say, we haven't talked since.
Fast forward to today . . . he leaves me a v/m at home saying "this is your dear brother" . . . I've heard about your "challenge" . . . What????????? No word for 10 years. No apology for your "no show" at our wedding and now you think that somehow everything is like we just talked a few weeks ago???? Un-fing-believable. And, btw dear brother . . . you have the wrong c-word . . . it's not "challenge" . . . it's "cancer" . . .
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Wow.
((vegangal))
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