Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

Anonymous

vegangal - ((((hugs)))) to you!! I can relate to your story.  That's too  bad they think they are christians. They give them a bad name eh?

This is my story about my so called family: because I was moving out of the area, I gave my only sibling, my brother, my mom's savings/bank book, which I was very careful not to spend anything unless it was ok'd by her or needed by the nursing home. He said to me (sensing my obvious reluctance to hand it over to him) 'hey, if you can't trust family, who can you trust"?

Not him....several months later I get the bank statement and 1/2 of the money in her account is missing.  I phone him up and read him his beads. He says 'I needed a motorcycle, I asked mom and she said it was ok'. Hello????? Mom had dementia!!! She would not have known what she was saying yes or no to! I ended up writing them a scathing letter (his wife as well) and they wouldn't speak to me afterwards......they still can't understand why I wrote that letter. I phoned them in 2008 to say I had breast cancer.  Stupid thing to do.

His reply?  "well, you've always been mean".  Excuse me?  I just thought that was the meanest thing to say, I was speechless!! Because I was trying to protect my mom, I'm mean? Neither he nor his wife have ever called to ask how I am. They have cut off communications with not only me but my daughter, his only niece. It used to hurt a lot and I used to think about it and feel bad, but as Dylan says, I used to care, but things have changed.  If he called me today I would flat out hang up on him. My daughter and husband said my brother is a jerk, has always said mean things to me (under the guise of a joke).

Some folks are just toxic pieces of sh$# and it's too bad when they are related. 

The only family I have left is my daughter and husband and his family. My daughter is a hardworking nursing student. I confess I dream about my brother going in for an emergency room visit and getting my daughter ) they live in the same area.

tucker

barbiecorn

I read each and every one of these postings and I think it is so sad that some people can actually be cruel...I have had a lot of support from friends and family and co-workers and my boss was really terrific but I worked at this job for 40 years....but.....I am truly concerned about returning to work...I don't want the pity looks, I really wish none of my co-workers even knew what happened to me...we have 35 people working at my job...I just want to feel like I did before BC and I don't want people looking at me in a sad sorry way...I know that will bother me more...I just wish I hadn't confided in a lot of people about this but there was no way to avoid it...I am grateful for the family and friends that I have that have been very supportive...but I just wish I wouldn't have to talk about this too much...it drags me down and I am trying to have everyone treat me the same way but I guess that is never going to happen because I don't feel the same way...((((hugs to all)))) 

VeganGal

Tuckertwo - OMG!!!! I find it unbelievable that he would buy himself a motorcycle. Wow. Beyond amazing. Then the "meanness" comment. I barely know what to type right now. It is often astounding when we look to see with whom we share DNA. Well, hey, DNA kinda sucks in some ways anyhow . . . like cancer DNA! Please like him give cancer a whole different meaning . . .

The reality is that the word family has so many meanings, and can be so broad. I have 7 companion animals that I consider family. I have blood relatives that are amazing family. I have friends that are amazing family. Then I know people that I am related to who certainly are NOT family in any way, shape or form.

Barbiecorn . . . I hear you . . . "seeing" people can be more odd for us than them . . . everyone is somehow uncomfortable. Things have "chagned" but we don't like change. We like things to stay the same. Especially for you after so many years with these folks. So many years of "same". While it may sound cliche (sorry!) . . . it will feel better to get the initial chats over and done with . . . rip off the bandaid!

Hugs Ladies . . . .

rosasmommy

My sister was great (for the most part) during my first bout with bc in 2008.  Immediately following, she inexplicably cut off all communication from our family.  She slowly started to reemerge in the beginning of 2011.  And then I got diagnosed with Stage IV recurrence in April 2011.  She immediately cut off all communication again, with no explanation.  Took her almost 5 months to contact me and offer any words regarding my recurrence.  We slowly started talking again.  And then I had progression; new treatment plan included an ooph.  She learned of my progression almost 4 weeks ago.  No word from her.  Knew that my surgery took place on Feb. 28.  Now word from her.  She hasn't even contacted anyone to ask if I made it out of surgery!!!  I have no words to express how hurt I am.

Adey

So many wows.  Screw 'em!  Big huge cyber hugs to all.

goforhope2011

Humans are by nature come out of the womb good, however--circumstances and learning and experience--their free will can allow them to choose to be mean, selfish, greedy, nasty, or good , understanding, caring.  It is really hard to deal with those who choose to be real jerks in life.  Judging someone, or consoling someone are personal choices.   Life is not 'nice''!  It has never been 'nice', nor will it ever be.  We can have good days--and be thankful for them.  We can have good friends or good family members and be thankful for them.   It is not in them, but in you to find the truth.  I'm not on a 'soap box', just my way to get through all things I have to get though in my life--what I have to deal with everyday.   Can understand regrets advertising your cancer.  But, my true friends, who are colleagues too --who I know I can talk to-- have been a great support.  God bless them and you all too.  Please do not feel you are suffering alone.  And, remember, your meds can cause big mood swings that make you feel like it is you against the world. Keep venting here so you can control yourself when confronted outside. Courage, GBY Hope

Adey

hope- you are very eloquent.

goforhope2011

Adey, I wish I were, but thanks.  I keep trying to stay on the straight and narrow road of understanding the 'why people do or don't do' things.  That includes me too!

Courage, Hope

fredntan

I need to vent about my family. argghh they are driving me crazy. called my sister who quit her job when I was dx and who lives few houses down from me. called her for some help. btw. I've done it all myself during chemo and sx. no one except my teenage daughters have helped me.

I asked her if she would mind just coming over and helping clean up some? My older dd had sx same week I finished chemo and she's hobbling around on crutches. She volunteered to buy a extra kitty litter box and one of my cats is having issues and is spraying. I said I would pay her back what she spent. She did come and wipe up some of the pee and set up 2new litter boxes. but she spent 360!!! she's more broke than I am. and she said oh you don't have to pay me back , her DH said he'd cover it. and she comes over sat acting like she's going to help me clean up house. I just send her back home as I can tell this has just sent her over edge.

yes I do have 5 cats and yes one of them and I thinik I know which one has taken to sprraying marking territory a lot. I didn't realize how bad it was. but I'm working on it. I'll finish cleaning up the urine today.

just had her go back home. it was almost 1. she hadn't even brushed her hair or gotten dressed. turned and said this whole thing had ruined her weekend. whatever I've had a whole year ruined.

DH doesn't even do anything arouned house. he only provides emotional support. just so sick of all my whole family situation. I really thought my sister would be there more for me. but I guess this cancer thing has really been hard on her. I'm rolling my eyes.

am working on making new friends.

voraciousreader

It comes with great relief for me to say that I only told a handful of people about my diagnosis and since I am so private of a person in public, NO ONE asks me how I am. Not even my family!  And, I am more than fine with that!  I come here to BCO all the time and get the support I need.  In fact, since I only told a handful of people, I redouble my efforts NOT to bring it up in public so that NO ONE ELSE has to find out.

When I was diagnosed and told my brother and sister, I had them promise me that we wouldn't tell our 87 year old mother.  Sometimes I feel "guilty" about not sharing my diagnosis with my mother. But two years out from diagnosis, I feel more comfortable with the decision.  Last year, my beloved mother was also diagnosed with cancer and she screamed to the world that she was in treatment and she now attends a support group.  Sometimes I want to tell her, "Hey, I was also diagnosed with cancer and know what you're going through," but, instead, I don't say anything.  She's dealing with her diagnosis in her own way and I guess I'm dealing with mine in my own way.....Thankfully, both of us are doing well.....

VeganGal

Fredntan . . . I am soooo sorry. I have 4 cats (and 3 dogs) . . . and I totally get the "cat love" . . . I want more . . . I love those little monkeys!!! Wow . . . sounds like quite a challenge with your sister. I don't know if this sounds crazy (sorry if you're rolling your eyes) . . . have you actually sat down (or even handed her a note or a letter) sharing with her exactly what you need her to do. Be really specific that you need her to clean the house . . . again . . . sorry if that sounds dumb . . . and as for DH . . . ask him to bring a cleaning lady as a "treat" . . . hummm . . . maybe he'll either do it . . . or clean himself to save the $:-) . . . so frustrating for you . . . . your new friends are here!!

Voraciousreader . . . you sound so strong . . . keep talking to us!!!!!

fredntan

I went to her house to return some of the stuff she bought. she was freaken laying in bed watching tv. not dressed, hair a mess-this was after 2pm-for crying out loud. spent the day cleaning up the cat pee. discovered which one it was, darn cat was marking entire house-I know that sounds gross- he even marked my windshield. He's now a outdoor cat 

its no use talking to my sister. I'm actually feeling stronger. she told my dd she stopped taking her depression meds-omg why? BC really affects the whole family. even the cats are freaked out. 

VeganGal

Glad you're feeling a bit better . . . cats will be cats . . . but we still love them!!!!! And . . . they love you:-) Unconditionally!!!

icefishinglady

This sure resonates. I have left three messages for my younger sister this week, and she has not returned my call. Whether it's fear, or she's just busy, or ??? - I don't know. We have always been very close, so it's hurting a lot. I wanted to talk to her and tell her what's going on - the MRI of my lower spine on Thursday that led to a bone scan on Friday, when the surgery is (next Friday - YIKES, it's coming up fast). all of those things that normally she would be all over me asking about... but she's gone completely silent, and I don't get it.

As I said, it hurts... 

VeganGal

Icefishinglady . . . I'm sooooo sorry. People get totally wonky with this . . . I totally do not get it at all . . . my heart is aching for you my friend . . . a hug from me!!!

icefishinglady

Thank you, VeganGal. I'm really having a hard time this morning. Too early to even try to call a friend... just sitting here crying my face off and feeling overwhelmed by everything.

JulieLynn

Icefishinglady - hang in there! You have lots of people who care about you and support you here!!! You are NOT alone!! Big ((((hugs))))

VeganGal

Icefisihinglady . . . I am soooo sorry about your morning . . . I see that you have a little dog in the picture . . . is that your little one? What is his/her name?

Vicks1960

Icefishinglady,

Sorry about your morning!!!!  Many of us have sympathy for you, we have been there and done that.  There have been some days (I call them pity party days) where I would be sitting at the computer and suddenly the tears would just start, and I couldn't stop them.  My DH would come into the room and I got so I would tell him, 'don't ask, because I don't know why'.  I think it is just one of the side effects of  this awful BC and or meds/treatments they put us through. 

Hang in there, it does get a bit easier.  The gals here are full of support and suggestions as to how to deal with our 'challenges'...

Vickie

truebff

icefishinglady,

bc is overwhelming. and if you are here on this thread, then someone you love let you down at a time when you need holding.

it's okay to cry. it's better to let all your feeling flow and, with bc they flow and flow. i think in a way this is a cleansing

i cried like a baby for weeks when i first got hit with this and some days are still better than others

we will hold you here - this forum is a very good place to let yourself feel what you are feeling and everyone understands-

some days are better than others

big hugs

sas-schatzi

Vegan , icefishing anyone hurting. I was going through the same at a point. Oddly, I was reading a book on dog behavior by Patricia B. McConnell PhD. "For the love of a Dog". My Dh and I had cancer at the same time. I was reading the chapter on happiness. At what sentence , I don't remember , but I sat straight up in bed and said OMG we are both severely depressed. I happened to have the name of an excellent counselor in my roldex. It had been given to me by a trusted friend for a neighbor. What luck. Recognition of our problem and no need to search for a trusted person.

We went for joint counseling till my Dh passed away. I have continued with counseling.

Here with friends, with a few friends in the outside world, and with my counselor-----the different needs are met. That's an important concept. "different needs". Please, think of counseling as an addition to your trying to schluck your way through this mess.

Can't keep the cat stories straight----so whomever found out which one was spraying SO HAPPY for you. Sheila

fredntan

that was me. lol. that cat is currently a happy outdoor cat.

miniwheat

At first I was disappointed in a few friends and some family for their reactions and lack of presence during this difficult time.  From one of my good friends saying through an e-mail:  "call me when it's over and we'll have a party" to my brother cracking jokes about the whole situation.

What I've learned is that some people just don't know what to do when faced with Cancer.  People say stupid and sometimes hurtful things but their intentions are almost never bad.  I take comfort in the fact that most of my friends and family are emotionally mature enough to throw the awkwardness and insecurities aside.

The difference between these people is that the awkward insecure ones say:"give me a call when you feel up to it and maybe we can get together..."  while the mature ones say:"I'll be right over and kick me out when you've had enough..."  The friends that I cherish the most are the ones that don't know what to do, but at least they do something.

Hugs!

sas-schatzi

miniwheat:

The difference between these people is that the awkward insecure ones say:"give me a call when you feel up to it and maybe we can get together..."  while the mature ones say:"I'll be right over and kick me out when you've had enough..."  The friends that I cherish the most are the ones that don't know what to do, but at least they do something.

Miniwheat -you have so nailed it This should be shared with everyone b/c when hit with the awkward ones and you expected them to act/say/do and they don't it can hurt---allot.

Bless you and hope you have more positive than negative experiences sheila

goforhope2011

TO YOU MY "SISTERS" WITH "C"

>
> "Passing the Purple Hat to
You
> IN honour of women's history month and in
memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer. >
> IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER -
by Erma Bombeck
>
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
>
> I would have gone to
bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding
pattern if I weren't there for the day.
>
> I would have burned
the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
>

> I would have talked less and listened more.
>
> I would
have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa
faded.
>
> I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living
room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in
the fireplace.
>
> I would have taken the time to listen to my
grandfather ramble about his youth.
>
> I would have shared more
of the responsibility carried by my husband.
>
> I would never
have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had
just been teased and sprayed.
>
> I would have sat on the lawn
with my grass stains.
>
> I would have cried and
laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
>

> I would never have bought anything just because it was practical,
wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
>
>
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every
moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in
life to assist God in a miracle..
>
> When my kids kissed me
impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later... Now go get washed up for
dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's, more 'I'm sorry's.'

>
> But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize
every minute; look at it and really see it; live it and never give it back..
STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!
>
> Don't worry about who
doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what
> Instead, let's
cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us...
> 
> If you don't mind, send this on
to all the women you are grateful to have as friends.
> Maybe we should all grab that
purple hat earlier.
> Please send this to
phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women's Month.
> If you do, something good will
happen--you will boost another woman's self
esteem.
> 2 KEEP IT LIT!
> IN MEMORY .. . .. .
....
>
> All you are asked to
do is keep this circulating, even if it's to one more person, in memory of
anyone you know who has been struck by cancer.
> A Candle Loses Nothing by
Lighting Another Candle.
> Please Keep The Candle
Going!"

Big hugs, Hope

Pegs

I had just the opposite happen , i had friends come out of the wood work , but i felt like it was for pity and to see how the girl with cancer looks, that bothered me too.  once they saw me and i guess i looked like i wasn't going to die any time soon, i haven't heard from them since.  and thats fine with me.

goforhope2011

Hi Pegs, well I put Erma's view down to brighten your day.  You might feel they pity you, but in reality, do you pity yourself.   If they are real friends, then they do not leave your side!  And, it is better you know who you are dealing with.  Make new friends, in a new activity.  If you look for sadness, you will find it.  If you look for joy--it will fill your life! 

Not everyday is easy, but globally--things can be ok.  Think about it.

Hugs, Hope

Patriotic

Ha! Pegs, I had that, too. The side tilt of the head coming at me was the cue. I rearranged my friends list AND priorities. I learned to say "no" more and stop running myself ragged.



The people I least expected offered themselves selflessly.



The people whom I expected to help (my own close family) let me down immensely. My husband's family was great.



It's an interesting study in interpersonal dynamics.

VeganGal

I'd like to jump in . . . . I have a sister whom I haven't spoken to in a decade! Well . . . low and behold I get a card from her . . . it says "I hear you have cancer. It is a terrible disease. I wish you well." . . . . People are so weird!!! What the hell??????

goforhope2011

Vegan--Yeah, we're all just a happy bunch of people!!

Don't let the 'ticks and fleas' get you down.............I have a great friend (mutiple cancer in family members) who told me that, and you know --she's so right. 

Just shake it off and  keep going.  Maybe she is trying to make contact--positve side.  Wait and see.  Sometimes the 'C' word freaks the best of people out.

Hug, Hope