Unsupportive Husband

Hi RP, And welcome, sorry you had to join us but glad you found this site, as you know since you have been reading other posts that there are a lot of great wonderful people here, where you will find support, advice or even venting is allowed so its perfectly ok! Im so sorry you are going through such a rough time at home and with everything else as well. I wish i had the right words to say to you about your DH (Dear husband) Although you can make that DH anything you want at this point LOL! Seriously though, have you tried talking to him about how you are feeling? Let him know you need help and just how hard this has been on you, i dont know you so dont know what goes on in your home but if you dont have communacation between each other he wont know. But, in my opinion he shouldnt have to be told, he should see you need help. some DH's don't have to be told, but clearly yours does. Right now you need to focus on yourself and your DS (Dear son) and if your DH doesn't want to step up and be a good father and husband i say get rid of him or maybe get some councling for the both of you and see if it is worth working out. Please come back and join our group of wonderful ladies and men. And keep us posted,

I really hope the best for you, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Gentle hugs-Debbie

Renonevada:  Sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if your DH has had so many years that he has not had to be accountable to anyone but himself, that he has no clue that his behavior isn't appropriate.  Breaking that chain of self absorption will really test your marriage, so unless you are ready to seek counseling, it would be better to wait until you are stronger to fight this battle.  He is who he is, and it sounds like he has never been confronted with any demands that he act any other way, so he gets away with it.

I have the same problem with my SO.  His entire family tends to be so self absorbed in their own wants and needs, that they always put themselves first over anyone else.  It is a constant battle for me to call him out on this behavior, and when he recognizes it, he tries to change, but it is difficult because he's behaved this way for so many years.  He isn't mean...just inconsiderate and self serving.  Now that I'm going through bc and my emotions aren't as stable as before, I have really let him have it a few times.  I don't really expect him to change, but I want him to know that his behavior is not appropriate IMO.

You could start with something as simple as not preparing dinner one evening, and letting him take the responsibility for it.  Don't need to apologize...just "I didn't feel like cooking today".  He can do dinner in or take you out...his choice.  I began leaving the clothes in the dryer or the dishes in the dishwasher until he complained and then I said "I could use some help with that chore".

All the best to you.  Sending prayers and healing energy! 

It's a hard thing when we begin to realize that some of whom we thought we could count on in a crisis are simply unable to deliver.  It's worse when it's someone as close to us as a SO.  Sending hugs.

I went through the similar situation with my husband while battling BC in 2008-2009.  It changed us forever.  I wish someone would have recommended us to go to counseling while we were struggling with my cancer as things might be different today.  Cancer is not an easy thing to handle and is really a test to your marriage.  Hope things get better for you.  Know that there are others who have experienced it as well. 

RP, just another voice of support and encouragement here.  It sucks when your husband doesn't get it; the feeling of loneliness is really awful.  I hope your husband gets the message soon; there is good advice here for ways to open his eyes.

You said you didn't want "people to think we are venting" because you can do that with your friends.  Well, you can vent here, too.  That's what we're here for.  Trying to be positive 100% of the time and in all situations is just too unrealistic, imho.  

I read your post and couldn't help but think we must be married to the same man. I don't know what to do about it, if indeed there is anything to be done with a man like this. I have no answers, but wanted you to know that you are, and was glad to discover that I am, not alone in that. I've been in this marriage, it seems, by myself for a very long time and for now I do have the support of my children and friends. Seems so difficult sometimes to feel unable to stand and have no one to lean on. Just venting, having a bad day, hair began falling out in earnest this morning, and the self-centered child I am married to couldn't care less.

Diagnosis 9/21/11, 2cm invasive & pervasive DCIS RB, lumpectomy, radical mastectomy, micrometastasis in sentinel, 26 negative lymph nodes, ER/PR+, Her2Neu-, BRACA-, 1st chemo 2/17/11 x6 every 3wks, radiation, reconstruction, age 41

Reno, my heart goes out to you. I was in a relationship with a man I knew was extremely self-centered. On February 22, when I was diagnosed, his first words were something to the effect that I'd better not expect him to use his vacation days to take me to appointments or surgery, and that he wasn't going to do things for me that I could do for myself. This past weekend, my two sons helped me move all of my things out of his house. I won't be going back - I'd rather be alone than deal with that sort of thing anymore. If you can get your husband into counseling of some sort, that would likely be a good thing - but some people are very lacking in the empathy department; they just don't "get" it. When things are going along normally, I think we adjust to that - but in times of crisis when we really do NEED a partner to be there for us, it's still a shock to hear and see their callous actions/attitudes. Hugs to you from - I almost said Wisconsin, but I'm in Minnesota now... so from Minnesota!

Hi all, R, I really hope that your husband is improving.

I feel like I'm sort of off topic here but I do need advice.  I am married 27 years, great guy, supportive and helpful.  I do have this one sticky issue that I sure could use some input on tho.

Due to arimidex, I can at times have trouble walking, stiffness getting out of car, in general a bit slow to get around.  I also trip alot more.  My husband will walk far ahead of me, not taking any notice that I am still struggling to get out of the car or may need a little help.  He loses me in crowds, crossing streets, etc.

I've told him many times, flat out, that I am just slower these days and that I'd really appreciate it if he could slow down and wait for me as it makes me feel awful and well, slow.  Just kind of highlights what I've lost to this damn disease.  He says he gets it, he really does, he will try, etc. then he just does it again the next time.Not a mean bone in his body, but thoughtless yes.

I'm really tired of being a broken record esp. as it does not good.  So I'm not saying anything anymore.  Of course I will be resentful, then angry, but can anyone think of a better way to approach this?  I've even tried just before we reach somewhere reminding him that I might need a little help, or to please go slower for me.  I've tried having that same convo beforehand too.  And afterwards, letting him understand how bad it makes me feel.  I don't think he is doing this to be mean, he just sort of jumps ahead (he is much much taller than I) and forgets.  This has the effect of making me resentful, hurt and angry, all of which I have told him but it makes no difference.

Anyone?  This is a toughie.  Do I just accept the bad with the good here, as nothing seems to make any difference at all.  In other ways, he is wonderful and always helpful.  It's just this, like some sort of mindblock.  I have considered not even going places sometimes, as my poor daughter feels bad when he does it and stays behind with me.  He never even notices that we are not there behind him.  He  has done it ever since we've been together, and now that I need him to really slow down, he cannot seem to do it or to remember to do it.  I do want to stress that he was raised in a kind of weird household where it was a bit Kennedyesque in that the women were competitive and wanted to be treated just like the men..the sisters want to be tough and strong and they do not expect doors opened, any quarter given, common courtesy where I come from.  When I wasn't slowed down by arimidex it didn't bother me this much, I just found it sort of astonishing and rude and we always had words about it.  Now, given that I need him to do it, he doesn't seem able to understand or to c hange.  So do I just bite the bullet and deal?  As if he can't c hange after being asked, and seeing me go thru cancer 2 times, knowing the meds are the reason I can't keep up (don't feel I should have to keep up, actually) he isn't going to now.

Otherwise he is a really great guy. Faithful, loving, supportive, kind, good dad, good husband so t his behavior on his part on this issue is the exception, not the rule. It's just an exception that is very difficult to deal with.

Thanks, ladies!!!

I am four months from diagnosis (ILC) and have started neoadjuvant chemo treatment.

At the very beginning, my SO said he loved me, not my breast and would be there for me no matter what. He was completely positive, supportive and caring AND completely uninterested in learning anything about my cancer, my treatment or my feelings.

He went with me to my 2nd chemo treatment. 20 minutes in he asked, "Am I just supposed to sit here?" After a heated response from me he said, "I can't believe I wasted a personal day for this."

The next day I asked him to move out. He said, "You'll be alone." I laughed. 

Cancer gives you the "gift" of permission to remove everything in your life that isn't important, helpful or loving. I wish you and your son the very best.

Anniealso- I have to say...that would drive me nuts and make me angry! Unless your husband has some sort of memory issue, I'd be convinced that he was acting out- passive aggressive. Seriously...how does he not remember that you're with him and that you've asked him repeatedly to wait for you? I think if it were me, and he walked ahead, I'd deliberately walk away/ past him and ignore him when you got to your destination. Alternative: hold his hand?

Geesh....I'm sorry you have to go through that. Just reading about it leaves me frustrated and sad for you!

I find myself getting frustrated with my boyfriend for similar things. He was upset and somewhat supportive after I was diagnosed in April, but he hasn't changed a bit from his usual lazy self. He works maybe 3 days a week and I have been forced to remain working full time in order to keep our household running, even when I feel too weak or ill to do so. He never comes to any of my appointments, doesn't help keep the house clean (in fact, I keep having to throw out hidden take out boxes he stows in the bedroom...ugh), doesn't clean the cat boxes (which I'm not supposed to do right now), and goes out drinking and partying all hours of the night, leaving me at home when I'm sick and lonely. He goes on trips with his boys right after I have chemo and doesn't answer his phone when I try to get in touch with him. It p#sses me off. He's 30 and I'm 26. We've been together for almost 3 years now, but I just find myself getting more and more fed up with it. Especially now. I don't feel like he respects me or takes any of this seriously at all. He won't even talk about my cancer, even though I am totally bald and there's no getting around it. 

Sometimes, I feel like I should just drop him -- he hasn't paid a single bill since he moved in with me 2 years ago -- but I am scared to be totally alone during this (even though it feels like I kind of am anyway).

Sorry for venting. I've been holding on to this for a while and I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

I want to hug everyone in this forum right now =( 

It is not impossible to do this without the support of SO.  Its just me, with son and daughter nearby, and I am finding the strenght through this website to calm my fears and anxiety, every night before I go to bed.  We are all in this together, and can give each other support and information.

prettyinpink -  First, it breaks my heart that you are dealing with this disease at such a young age.  I read your post earlier but didn't respond and your words kept swirling in my brain so I came back to post.  I am fortunate to have a wonderful spouse who has stood by me in every way since my diagnosis.  I am extremely independent (military spouse) and I don't need or ask for much, but he will do anything I need.  You can see by my signature line that this has been a complicated road - he has never wavered despite having a very demanding job/schedule, a long commute, out of town travel, etc., he has taken me to every surgery/chemo/consult, helped me shower, cleared my drains, cooked for me - anything I needed.  I am not saying this to make you feel bad but because I want you to see the contrast between that kind of relationship and the one you have.  Your boyfriend does not pay the bills, goes out with his friends, doesn't answer your calls, takes vacations, doesn't clean up after himself, etc.  You are fighting for your life and for him it is business as usual.  He is not supporting you financially or emotionally.  I don't mean all of this to sound harsh, but sometimes it takes a crisis to see people's true colors - you are worth more than this!  Life doesn't generally get easier (I know that sounds hard to believe when you have been diagnosed with cancer at your age!) and you need someone who can roll with the punches, and be your partner!  You say you are scared to be alone, but you already are.  Sending you a hug - sounds like you need one!

@Prettyinpinkterminator.

 Girl, please, please, please drop that beyond words loser out of your life. It is way better to be alone and you WILL find someone better than to put up with that. He's a mooch, a jerk, and a very selfish human being. I saw my mom go through something similar with zero support when it came to dealing with my dad and he wasn't even half as bad as the jerk you describe. She gave up living and died from her cancer. Do not give up and kick him out. You are way too young to be dealing with that kind of stress in life.

Reno, I'll give your DH the benefit of the doubt and assume he is just stupid and spoiled, and not a complete narcissist. Tell him very specifically what you need him to do, and give him an opportunity to do it, if you have not already. I don't know if this applies to you, but I have known too many women who suffered in silence because they felt guilty communicating their needs to their DH. Another tactic would be, depending on your family dynamics, to your mother in law, a sister in law, or a friend who has a good relationship with DH, and see if they can talk with him, get him a little motivated to do what he needs to do.

Ginger, I hope the abuse is in the past; if it is going on now then you need to LEAVE. I hope your daughter moving in will be a source of support to you.