Is this the new me or a boobless monster?

Hi Jennifer, I am having the same issues with being social. I hardly ever answer my phone and don't call my family back home like I used to. I mentioned this to my psychologist and she thought it would be good for me to plan to call one friend/family member each week to get back on track.

We are going home for 2 weeks this month and I am making it my goal to see the same friends that I saw last year. For some reason, this year seems harder for me. I think there are other women who experience this... I read a book called, "Cancer Made Me a More Shallow Person", very funny!

Lots of love, Jackie

Oh how I understand sweet woman! I think we all do. It is what it is. I can say.... at three years for me.... my three year " cancerversary"... was my turning point. I do not even know how to put it all into words... I can just tell you... it happened... I became me again... and most of my friends here on BCO will tell you the same... Like SherriG above stated.

I have just now given myself " permission" I suppose.... to go BACK to the real me... I suppose I finally feel " safe enough " to do so.

God Bless you!

Laura

I know just what you are talking about, Jennifer. I feel like I've entered a parallel universe. My pre-cancer life seems so distant and it's only been two months now since the bad mammogram and two weeks since the mastectomy.

My friends have been terrifically supportive but I just don't have the energy or desire to talk much about it, or anything else, to people who don't understand this unholy realm. And that's virtually everyone I know. This site has been such a haven. 

Getting back to work, and who knows when that will be, is going to test me severely. I've never really been absent from my career of 38 years for any significant period of time. I work with the public, caring for people, in a health care setting. I know that many of my long time patients will want to express their sincere concern and others will just be looking for more information than they've managed to discover. Mainly I just don't want to talk about it there but I'm not sure how i can deflect the questions graciously and maintain my composure. I don't want to be reminded 20 times a day that I have cancer is the truth of the matter.

Jenny,

If it makes you feel any better I feel the same way many days.  Especially at work since I only work part time anyhow.  There's this one older man that keeps coming up to me (God love him) and asking "is everything OK?, how are you?", etc.  It's tough at times because I want to say everything's just fine, but I never know what's going on, and I don't want to sound like a downer but sometimes I just want to be treated like everyone else, you know what I mean????

Anywhoo, you are not alone.  We are here with you!

Sharon

kmpod, please, don't worry about visiting with us---hopefully you won't have to "see" us again----ever!  No offense intended!

It's so interesting to read what all of you have to say.  Yep, I tell all my friends "I'm living in a different world now ... like Alice who fell down the rabbit hole!"  It's difficult, because you know that at first all of your friends want to hear all about it.  They're very supportive.  But after awhile, I sort of get sick of hearing myself going on and on about this Strange New World I"m living in.  I'm a joker, so I make a lot of bad/funny (?) puns as far as the mastectomy.  I've been asked, hey Cyd, do you miss your breasts?  To which I reply: If I do, it's only out of habit, not out of genuine affection!  They were always way too big for my frame anyway, and all I did was talk about breast reduction surgery; however, a double-mastectomy is a bit extreme!  I had my surgery June 29th; will start chemo Sept. 1st.  My doctor left a bunch of my skin "in the event you want reconstruction down the road; this will make it easier"  (I don't think I do, but ...), so I now have what I call boobalinies ... I even have an itty-bitty titty cleavage thing going!  It looks gross; but also funny!  Down the road I'll probably have it all leveled so I look like most women who have mastectomies w/out reconstruction.  Was more dismayed to hear about chemo & radiation than I was about the mastectomies.  I can still talk w/family & friends, but all of the conversations that do not pertain to what I'm going thorugh right now seem so mundane, and there is always a thread of thought running through my head ... something like this:  "Oh, how nice, she got her hair done today.  Uh, does she know that in several weeks, my hair will be gone?"  I feel so uncommonly self-focused, which I know we must be under these circumstances.  It is good to hear that for the most part we are all experiencing this "Other Wordly" feeling.  I'm guessing that it's natural.  I'm also guessing (hoping) that what Kerry says is right on:  It will get easier and it won't feel this alien forever.  It's wonderful to have sites like this where we can support one another.  Like I said to my hubby the other day when talking about my galpals, "Ah may not have my teats, but Ah got me mah Peeps!"  (then I did that rapper hand thing; which, coming from a 62 year old like me, made my husband roll his eyes, and laugh!)  All you ladies on this site are now my new Peeps!  We get on another, right!

Jennifer: If you want to pm me with your address, I can mail my copy to you... I have already read it a couple of times. Otherwise, it is officially called "Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person" by Miriam Engelberg. Thanks for starting this post!

One love, Jackie

I'm gonna throw in my two cents. This is my second go round with BC. The first time was a shock and I was bound and determined to do all I had to for treatment, set some new goals and live my life. As time went on, there were days, weeks where I didn't think about having gone through it until it was pertinent to the situation or it was time for a check up.

Now I'm almost six months into this battle after the original dx in 2003, 2011 didn't start off so hot! Boobless, down a set of ovaries and uterus, bald, but... It could always be worse. I try not to talk about it a lot and change the subject when I can with people. Am I scared, tired, sick of treatment- yes. But I've set some new goals and can't wait to achieve them.

It doesn't hurt to get medication to get over the hump of the emotional toll or get therapy. Everyone has a way of dealing. Personally, I went out and bought myself some new big girl panties for my birthday and boy does retail therapy help me! Blessings to all, best wishes on your journey.

Ohhhh Jenny,

I could have wrote your post, time and time again . I always think of it this way. A soldier comes home from war, he/she gets off the plane to be greeted by there family who have been praying for there safe return. Their  family expects this soldier to be so happy there alive, and no doubt they, are!!!

They soon get back home and find that there family and friends want the same person back that went off to war, but the reality is,  it is just not that simple. This loved one has been through a long ugly war, fighting for there life, watching people suffer and sometimes die. The wounded soldier needs time to heal, not just physically, but more importantly mentally. The first year after

treatment has been very challenging for me, I pray for peace everyday of my life. Somedays are so great, and others are so hard it hurts!!!  I will say that I think surrendering to our lack of total control does seem to help me alot. I will admit  I feel like an alien 70% of the time. I pray that will change, but it may not, so I guess rather then looking for the old us, we have the new us, and we will re learn to find joy where we may not have found it before, we need to move forward yes, you are right about that coolobreeze,  but it's ok to morn the carefree feeling that you have before a cancer dx. We have all heard the most feared word s in the english languge, you have cancer!!!! You don't just move beyond that over night, but over time, and you will jenny, give yourself time. I am coming up on 2 years in sept, it's getting better everyday!!!!!!!!!!!

You are cancer free, the war is over, you have won your battle, now allow yourself to heal!!!

You are in my prayers, as all of my sister;s are here!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to all,

steph