Is this the new me or a boobless monster?

jennyboog

I am REALLY trying to move on pass BC but I'm still having issues.  I'm not the same as I use to be and even when I try to be it's fake.  I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone unless they had/have BC or unless I'm talking about my dx.  I use to be so out-going, joked around and a social butterfly and now unless it's my family, I feel withdrawn, ackward and forced to make myself talk and still it's not enough to be the old me.   I use to sincerly care what others were saying and now I'm a million miles away and thinking "what a baby, is it really that serious".  You would think BC would make me more compassionate but it seems to be the opposite & I hate it.  I know it's still early (just 1 yr) so hopefully it gets better.  I've not even started back to work yet so I can't imagine how that will go.  I can't live like a hermit the rest of my life and I can't let BC keep defining who I am.  Anyone else have the same problem or am I some kind of post-bc monster? 

jdootoo

Hi Jennifer, I am having the same issues with being social. I hardly ever answer my phone and don't call my family back home like I used to. I mentioned this to my psychologist and she thought it would be good for me to plan to call one friend/family member each week to get back on track.

We are going home for 2 weeks this month and I am making it my goal to see the same friends that I saw last year. For some reason, this year seems harder for me. I think there are other women who experience this... I read a book called, "Cancer Made Me a More Shallow Person", very funny!

Lots of love, Jackie

bak94

Yeah, I get it. I am still in treatment but feel very withdrawn from family and friends. I feel like my co workers and clients look at me differently. I do want to talk about things other than cancer at work but clients keep bringing it up. I feel awkward leaving the house with my wig, I do not feel natural, although many say they can't tell it is a wig. I am much happier just staying home, and that is just not the normal me. I haven't had bmx yet but I feel like I will be deformed and even more self conscious, even though hubby is very supportive. I can't have reconstruction until a year after treatment, at least that is what my doc recommends. I find myself being a baby about stupid things that would normally not have bothered me, which confuses me because you would think I would be like "don't sweat the small stuff" but the small stuff has been more irritating than usual. I think my co workers think I have gone mad or something! I cry way too easily and I am already on an anti depressant, I was worse before I started taking it! It makes me so jealous to see healthy people out enjoying their lives, and that is just so wrong! I don't want to feel that way. I only work a couple days a week and have anxiety the night before and can't sleep, even if I take an ativan. This bc crap sure can mess with ones mind.

Estepp

Oh how I understand sweet woman! I think we all do. It is what it is. I can say.... at three years for me.... my three year " cancerversary"... was my turning point. I do not even know how to put it all into words... I can just tell you... it happened... I became me again... and most of my friends here on BCO will tell you the same... Like SherriG above stated.

I have just now given myself " permission" I suppose.... to go BACK to the real me... I suppose I finally feel " safe enough " to do so.

God Bless you!

Laura

lkc

Hi jen, Yep it's all part of the BC journey.It does get better with time, and you will get to  feeling comfortable with the new " you"

small baby steps and soon it will be a memory.

kmpod

I know just what you are talking about, Jennifer. I feel like I've entered a parallel universe. My pre-cancer life seems so distant and it's only been two months now since the bad mammogram and two weeks since the mastectomy.

My friends have been terrifically supportive but I just don't have the energy or desire to talk much about it, or anything else, to people who don't understand this unholy realm. And that's virtually everyone I know. This site has been such a haven. 

Getting back to work, and who knows when that will be, is going to test me severely. I've never really been absent from my career of 38 years for any significant period of time. I work with the public, caring for people, in a health care setting. I know that many of my long time patients will want to express their sincere concern and others will just be looking for more information than they've managed to discover. Mainly I just don't want to talk about it there but I'm not sure how i can deflect the questions graciously and maintain my composure. I don't want to be reminded 20 times a day that I have cancer is the truth of the matter.

kmpod

I'm sorry to intrude on the stage 3 site, folks. I won't know my stage until next week.

When  I saw the OP's thread it struck such a chord with me. There are some things about a diagnosis of cancer that haven't surprised me but this sense of dissociation has caught me completely off guard.

pupfoster1

Jenny,

If it makes you feel any better I feel the same way many days.  Especially at work since I only work part time anyhow.  There's this one older man that keeps coming up to me (God love him) and asking "is everything OK?, how are you?", etc.  It's tough at times because I want to say everything's just fine, but I never know what's going on, and I don't want to sound like a downer but sometimes I just want to be treated like everyone else, you know what I mean????

Anywhoo, you are not alone.  We are here with you!

Sharon

kmpod, please, don't worry about visiting with us---hopefully you won't have to "see" us again----ever!  No offense intended!

KerryMac

Jenny, I felt exactly the same way as you did for about the first year after treatment ended. I found social situiations difficult, and got annoyed by people a lot! I think your world becomes very small when you are going through everything, it takes a while for you to adjust again.

But, it does get easier, and things get more normal. You won't feel like a hermit forever!

cydsong

It's so interesting to read what all of you have to say.  Yep, I tell all my friends "I'm living in a different world now ... like Alice who fell down the rabbit hole!"  It's difficult, because you know that at first all of your friends want to hear all about it.  They're very supportive.  But after awhile, I sort of get sick of hearing myself going on and on about this Strange New World I"m living in.  I'm a joker, so I make a lot of bad/funny (?) puns as far as the mastectomy.  I've been asked, hey Cyd, do you miss your breasts?  To which I reply: If I do, it's only out of habit, not out of genuine affection!  They were always way too big for my frame anyway, and all I did was talk about breast reduction surgery; however, a double-mastectomy is a bit extreme!  I had my surgery June 29th; will start chemo Sept. 1st.  My doctor left a bunch of my skin "in the event you want reconstruction down the road; this will make it easier"  (I don't think I do, but ...), so I now have what I call boobalinies ... I even have an itty-bitty titty cleavage thing going!  It looks gross; but also funny!  Down the road I'll probably have it all leveled so I look like most women who have mastectomies w/out reconstruction.  Was more dismayed to hear about chemo & radiation than I was about the mastectomies.  I can still talk w/family & friends, but all of the conversations that do not pertain to what I'm going thorugh right now seem so mundane, and there is always a thread of thought running through my head ... something like this:  "Oh, how nice, she got her hair done today.  Uh, does she know that in several weeks, my hair will be gone?"  I feel so uncommonly self-focused, which I know we must be under these circumstances.  It is good to hear that for the most part we are all experiencing this "Other Wordly" feeling.  I'm guessing that it's natural.  I'm also guessing (hoping) that what Kerry says is right on:  It will get easier and it won't feel this alien forever.  It's wonderful to have sites like this where we can support one another.  Like I said to my hubby the other day when talking about my galpals, "Ah may not have my teats, but Ah got me mah Peeps!"  (then I did that rapper hand thing; which, coming from a 62 year old like me, made my husband roll his eyes, and laugh!)  All you ladies on this site are now my new Peeps!  We get on another, right!

kimber3006

I still have problems with listening to "problems" that just seem so ridiculously petty, too, but I keep my mouth shut unless I can be encouraging.  I do try to get people to not sweat the small stuff, since I surely don't anymore, but sometimes it takes going thru something like we have to get there, I guess.  I used to worry over the smallest things.  It's a crazy way to free ourselves from those little worries, huh?  Like the others said, I think it's all part of the journey - getting our old selves back but with a new perspective on life.

jennyboog

Thank you so much ladies, as usual I know now I'm not alone or a monster.  I think at the beginning you're all worried about the physical toll this will take on us...no hair, sick from chemo, no boobs, etc.  No one really talks about how it will effect us mentally and for me, that has been the hardest part.  I'm glad to hear it does get better, thanks veterans!

@cydsong...That is too funny, I'll be your "peep" anyday.

@jdootoo...I'll check out that book, thanks.

Pure

It's been 2 years for me and I still feel a little different..Just the other day I found myself saying : I kind of feel like my old self" It was a very surreal moment..Like I may actually be getting my self back. Sucks I am about ot have surgery but atleast I have seen glimpses of what is possible. Your going to feel that way..It's ok to feel that way..Just know that you will get your life back..This is part of healing..We feel different...Then we realize we feel different...And we work on ways to slide back into life one step at a time.

Hang in there:) We get it!

jdootoo

Jennifer: If you want to pm me with your address, I can mail my copy to you... I have already read it a couple of times. Otherwise, it is officially called "Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person" by Miriam Engelberg. Thanks for starting this post!

One love, Jackie

CoolBreeze

Wow, I can't believe you all are complaining like this.  Don't you know how easy you have it?

 The worst thing that happened to somebody is the worst thing that happened to them, even if it isn't the worst thing that happened to you.  I never get upset when people complain around me (or really even think about it) because just because they don't have Stage IV cancer doesn't mean they don't have problems.

When we are first dx'd, cancer takes over all our thoughts and for a long time, because of lengthy treatment, that is our lives. But, I think if you are still experiencing it a few years down the road, past treatment, on a regular basis, you are not recovering properly and maybe should seek out help.  I see too many people "living cancer" way past the time the should have moved on and put it mostly behind them.  (Except for the occasional anxiety-producing scan now and then).

 Forums like this are fantastic for helping us through cancer and treatment - but I'm not sure sure they are helpful when it's time to move on and try to put it behind us, stop thinking about cancer all the time and start relearning how to live like a well person..  People on forums tend to reinforce the tendancy to "stay in cancer" rather than try to move on.

Food for thought. 

mebmarj

I'm gonna throw in my two cents. This is my second go round with BC. The first time was a shock and I was bound and determined to do all I had to for treatment, set some new goals and live my life. As time went on, there were days, weeks where I didn't think about having gone through it until it was pertinent to the situation or it was time for a check up.

Now I'm almost six months into this battle after the original dx in 2003, 2011 didn't start off so hot! Boobless, down a set of ovaries and uterus, bald, but... It could always be worse. I try not to talk about it a lot and change the subject when I can with people. Am I scared, tired, sick of treatment- yes. But I've set some new goals and can't wait to achieve them.

It doesn't hurt to get medication to get over the hump of the emotional toll or get therapy. Everyone has a way of dealing. Personally, I went out and bought myself some new big girl panties for my birthday and boy does retail therapy help me! Blessings to all, best wishes on your journey.

marjie

I worry about it a lot....am I going to get back to "normal" but I am starting to notice that I have days where suddenly I realize that I haven't even thought of cancer that day.  Feels good!

faithfulheart

Ohhhh Jenny,

I could have wrote your post, time and time again . I always think of it this way. A soldier comes home from war, he/she gets off the plane to be greeted by there family who have been praying for there safe return. Their  family expects this soldier to be so happy there alive, and no doubt they, are!!!

They soon get back home and find that there family and friends want the same person back that went off to war, but the reality is,  it is just not that simple. This loved one has been through a long ugly war, fighting for there life, watching people suffer and sometimes die. The wounded soldier needs time to heal, not just physically, but more importantly mentally. The first year after

treatment has been very challenging for me, I pray for peace everyday of my life. Somedays are so great, and others are so hard it hurts!!!  I will say that I think surrendering to our lack of total control does seem to help me alot. I will admit  I feel like an alien 70% of the time. I pray that will change, but it may not, so I guess rather then looking for the old us, we have the new us, and we will re learn to find joy where we may not have found it before, we need to move forward yes, you are right about that coolobreeze,  but it's ok to morn the carefree feeling that you have before a cancer dx. We have all heard the most feared word s in the english languge, you have cancer!!!! You don't just move beyond that over night, but over time, and you will jenny, give yourself time. I am coming up on 2 years in sept, it's getting better everyday!!!!!!!!!!!

You are cancer free, the war is over, you have won your battle, now allow yourself to heal!!!

You are in my prayers, as all of my sister;s are here!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to all,

steph

jennyboog

Thanks Steph, so true.